101 Failed Attempts At Escaping From Cross Marian
by Orange-Moon-Goddess
Summary: Allen just wanted to get away from Cross and his drunken antics. He prayed, and in return he got a samurai with a Segway, a conspiracy theorist of a bookman, a melon murderer, a satanic golem that always threatens him, a truck load of crack, and a very mean writer who makes him want to cry. Yeah, thanks a lot god. It's even worse because he just can't seem to escape this nonsense.
1. Chapter 1

101 Failed Attempts At Hiding From Cross Marian

The first ten chapters(ish) will be amusement-park themed. The stories aren't exactly set in any time, so use your imagination :3

Chapter One: Because No One Ever Goes Here!

Edit: Some chapters are being rewritten because YOLO. Just kidding, I just see a lot of room for improvement :3

-…-

Allen Walker stared out at the world before him from the second level of a carousel, perched on an overly decorated plastic horse. He sat with his back to the center and his legs over one side, relaxed at last from his harsh training. For the past few days, he and his (constantly drunk) master had been trying to work on his synchronization, but it always ended with either Allen being shot at, or eaten by Timcanpy, the golden golem that followed them around. Tired of training, he had excused himself for a "bathroom break" and had ditched his master in the forest where they'd been training away from civilization. He was rather proud of himself for that stunt, even though he knew he would probably be slaughtered upon returning.

Then again- Cross was _constantly __drunk_, so Allen doubted the bastard even knew he was gone.

After hours of running away, he had stumbled across an amusement park in a nearby but small city and had slipped in. America sure was fun! Their security sucked, but Allen was just fine with that. He simply needed a place to hide until he was discovered. So why not Zoidberg?- I MEAN YOLO.

_The __author berated herself for the early fourth-wall breaking, which was reserved for the later chapters and the poor souls who managed to stick around past chapter seven._

That was when he had found the carousel. Nobody was on it- who actually went on those things other than little kids?- so Allen, being a little kid, had gone on the moving attraction unsupervised and had camped out on the second level of the carousel for the past two days- taking food and bathroom breaks of course. Child logic for the win. When it came time to sleep- and by that he meant the amusement park shutting down for the night- he would simply sleep on the floor and hope he wouldn't be found.

Like he said, the security sucked. He bet that he could live in this place if he tried, which would be kind of awesome. He wouldn't get much sleep or privacy while living in an amusement park, but it'd still be pretty cool.

It would definitely be better than traveling with his master. Allen simply did not want to spend one more second near that red-headed demon. Cross Marian was insane. Literally. They had been training in the mountains, and Cross had been shooting at him with his equipment-type Innocence relentlessly, shouting something about how he needed to protect himself against the "Great Evil" which was code for some intoxicated nonsense. As he escaped, Allen had struggled around steep edges and had nearly died trying to get away, when he had raised the white flag and ran for dear life.

Allen sat on the very inner ring of plastic horses and he doubted anyone from below- even if looking from a distance- could possibly see him. As much as he hated to admit it, he was rather small for his age and therefore easy to miss. But in this situation, his tiny stature worked to his advantage. He was practically invincible in games of hide-and-seek!

At least, that was what he thought.

"Oi! Idiot apprentice, are you done yet?" a frustrated voice grumbled from behind. Allen jumped in shock and fell off of his horse, and looked behind him to see the man of his nightmares camped out on a horse RIGHT BEHIND HIM with bottles of wine all around him.

"How?- _What?-_ But…" he sputtered, "How long have you been there?" Allen shrieked and backed away, getting back up on his feet to make another run for it. Because any other (sane) person would run away if he or she saw the person (s)he had been running from sitting right behind them and glaring holes into their back. While on a children's attraction.

"A while since you got here," Cross answered while bringing his beloved wine glass up to his lips to sip. "I got bored though. You done?"

"…"

Irritated by the lack of response, Cross stumbled off the horse and nearly crashed right into the bench beside it. Allen screamed when he saw the amount of alcohol that had been consumed (which he would definitely be forced to pay for) as his master grabbed him by the scruff of his neck like a cat, and carried him away.

-…-

Allen: (Insert Rage Face)

Me: U Mad Bro?


	2. Chapter 2

101 Attempts Chapter Two

Thanks to everyone who reviewed :D I'm sorry if I can't get back to your reviews yet- I'm always so busy so it's hard to get back to everyone, and then there are those who switch off private messaging ^^ But I promise that if I haven't responded yet that I soon will :]

Title: I Believe I Can Fly

A/N (Edited)

-…-

As a child, Allen didn't understand the concept of pain. He didn't know what could hurt him or that he wasn't invincible. Eventually he learned the hard way that one could not simply jump from a high distance and expect no harm- physical, emotional or mental pain- to come out of such an act.

He smiled foolishly as he strapped himself onto one of the many seats of the ride known as the "Whirligig." On this ride, riders had their own individual seats. The column in the middle would move upwards and they would be lifted into the air, the riders circling around the column rapidly on their swings. Keyword: rapidly. That was the entire point of him bothering with this strange contraption. His plan was to jump off of the ride mid-air to send himself flying up into a tree or on top of a building where he wouldn't be found. He just didn't know how poorly that would end- he thought he would be just fine.

Allen had escaped from his master, Cross Marian, just a little over an hour ago. He had stumbled across this city's amusement park (again) by chance (not really) and had snuck in because their security still sucked. He'd been amazed by his surroundings, being a child who had never had the chance for much fun. Then he had spotted Timcanpy flying after him and realized capture was inevitable as long as that golem was around, but at the very least he could hide somewhere where Cross wouldn't be able to put him through that insane training of his. Just for a while. A break was the only thing Allen was asking for, other than for his master to stop drinking so much.

And to stop piling up so much debt.

And to stop womanizing.

And to just go away.

There were a lot of things Allen wished his master would do, but he never got his way because the author of this story was mean to him for no inexplicable reason.

The ride began and Allen waited for the seats to ride, a slow rotation turning fast and the other children looking down at the park below with delighted faces. Satisfied with the speed, Allen unclicked the belt and raised the bar that kept him in, standing on his seat and then _jumped_.

His body went soaring through the air and he went flying over other guests and other attractions. For a few moments he really believed that he could get away, but gravity brought him hurtling back down towards Earth. He screamed as he realized that there was nothing he would be able to grab onto and that he would probably fall face-first into the pavement below. Had he been older and more educated, he would have understood that what comes up must come down, or that the fall would hurt.

Lucky for him, there were many objects that could cushion his fall.

Unfortunately, however…

Allen let out a yelp as his body crashed into something soft, the wind knocked out of his lungs from the impact. He gasped and cursed himself for thinking up such a stupid plan, then became aware of his surroundings. Specifically, the person holding him in their strong arms who carried a rather imposing figure. A golden blur rammed into his stomach and Allen's breath hitched. He looked up at his "savior," only to see red hair, a white mask that covered half of the face, one dark eye behind glasses, and the trademark black hat. All of the traits of the person Allen feared and hated so much all together at once.

He really was unfortunate to have fallen on the one person he had been running from. What were the odds? Why, out of all people, did he have to fall on the one person he had tried to escape? Why? Did God _hate _him?

"Why are you here?" Allen shouted at his master, who didn't seem phased at all by the fact that his apprentice had fallen on top of him from nowhere. In fact, he kept walking as if Allen had never fallen on him. "Go away!"

Cross looked down at him as if just noticing him for the first time.

"Oh, it's you," he drawled before he dropped Allen.

_Who did you think I was?_ Allen thought sarcastically as he hit the floor, scrambling to get back up to run away. A hand caught him by the scruff of his neck and picked him up, but held him harshly as if he were a cat that had just scratched its owner's face.

"I heard your stupid, pathetic screaming and wondered if any akuma had shown up," Cross explained while he scratched the back of his head with his free hand, letting out a sigh as he held his apprentice at arm's length with the other hand. "You ran away while I was shooting at you during training,-" _isn't that what anyone would do?_ –"so I thought you were going to take care of the akuma but after you didn't come back I decided to help you out. So where is it?"

"Eh?" Allen responded ever so eloquently.

"The akuma. Where is it?"

Allen didn't say anything. He wanted to bang his head against the wall and die of a crack in his head. He wanted to retry that jump so he could throw himself at a ride in motion and _die_. He wanted to _burn himself alive_. Anything but this.

For the meanwhile, Allen lied, "… I killed it. It's gone."

"Oh, I see. We better get back to training then."

_God… if you're out there, please kill me. Kill me right here, right _now_. I don't care _how_, just get me away from this crazy man._

_-…-_

_*Naturally, God didn't answer Allen's prayer :) *_

This turned out better than I originally pictured this chapter :] Feedback is always appreciated, and once again I'd like to say thank you to everyone who has reviewed/alerted/favorited this story :D It makes me really happy to see that people are actually reading this… this thing I've made. Whatever this is.


	3. Chapter 3

101 Failed Attempts 3- Wave Pool

Title #1: It's Not You, It's Not Me, It's Timcanpy

Title #2: Cross vs Timcanpy

Title #3: How drunk am I? You** dare** question me? I will sleep you in your kill…

Title #4: I think I might have to bump up the rating because of this chapter.

Title #5: ... *sigh* 98 more chapters to go...

Also, I might have to warn some of my readers for excessive swearing. Sorry about that :x

-…-

There was something strange about the golem that belonged to Cross Marian. At first glance the golem, Timcanpy, was just a golden floating ball that could turn fat and then shrink. It could be found sitting on Cross's shoulders or camping out on top of his trademark black hat. Sometimes Timcanpy ate food or could be seen fighting a cat. To most people Timcanpy was just an ordinary golem.

Allen, however, had one day discovered the terrifying truth about the golem. It had been his first time akuma hunting on his own. Allen was only thirteen and not very experienced at fighting, but he had gotten out of the fight as the victor with few injuries. Then, Allen had heard a strange noise and turned around to see Timcanpy baring his teeth at him threateningly. That was when Tim opened his mouth and hit Allen with his tail, and snarled in his ear: "Bitch, I will slit your fucking throat and use your blood as syrup on my waffles you little piece of shit."

Allen remembered being so scared that he had actually cried. And he may or may not have wet his pants a little.

Timcanpy had proceeded to bite a terrified Allen and hide under the boy's clothing as he reluctantly returned home. Every time Allen tried to ask his master about the golem's odd behavior, the golem would bite him before he so much as opened his mouth, as if it knew exactly what he was thinking. Allen spent his days fearing the golden golem instead of his master, but eventually Cross noticed because he tried harder to instill fear into the boy. Allen's life became (more) miserable as both Tim and Cross competed for the spot of "Most Feared," without the latter competitor even knowing who he was up against.

Not today, though, Allen thought as he floated in the wave pool at the hotel they were currently staying at. Today was his only day off of the year and he planned on enjoying it, damn it. He wasn't going to spend a moment within the presence of Cross Marian or his little golden golem bastard from hell. He sat on a rented tube, letting the wave simulator push him back and forth while his temporary friend, Ken, had his tube flipped upside down by the waves. Allen smiled as his friend rose to the surface, splashing water on him. Allen kicked his friend's tube and flipped it over again just as his friend got back in.

That was when the harassment began. He saw a golden blur and something landed on the top of his head. He froze up and fell through the hole in his tube, the yellow tail hitting his face as he nearly sank because of shock. Allen swam back up to the surface, but was nearly swallowed by a wave while water went up his nose. He grabbed onto his tube as he was pushed backwards, his friend laughing at him while water was splashed into his eyes that burned. He wanted to scream and cry, his vacation day turning into a nightmare as Tim held onto him by biting his ear.

Soon enough his friend realized something was wrong and swam over to Allen, never noticing the golem torturing his friend's face.

"Allen, what's wrong? You look sick," Ken voiced his concern while Allen's ear began to bleed.

"… Ken, I'm going to go to the deep end and I'm going to drown myself," Allen informed his friend and removed his tube. He handed it to his friend who just stared at it, then let it go and float off.

"Okay," his friend nodded.

Allen swam through the crowd while Tim whispered death threats to him. He tuned out the golem as he reached the very end at the source of the generator, and that was when Timcanpy snapped and expanded, dropping into the pool and taking Allen with him. The splash created such a powerful wave that Allen was sent soaring through the air. He was aware of his body crashing into the shallow end, his body washing up to the "shore." A lifeguard passed by but didn't help him. Allen started to cry.

He dragged himself up and shuffled his feet back over towards his seat while a shrunken Timcanpy clung onto his bleeding ear. However, he saw his master sitting on his chair (while tanning) and cried harder. He really didn't want to ask his master for help, but he had no choice if he wanted to relax.

"M-master?" he began weakly as Tim continued to bite. "Can you please keep Tim away from me?"

His master looked at him once. Specifically at his bleeding ear.

Tim stopped chewing and stared right back.

"Get off my bitch, bitch," Cross ordered the golem, reaching for the gun in his ever-present holster.

Tim snarled.

"You wanna fight, furfag?"

"Come at me, bitch. Winner gets rights over the white-haired bitch's ass."

Allen could only stand there, horrified as Tim released him to tackle his own master. He did the only thing he did know how to do- run. He ran even as the lifeguard shouted at him not to, saying that he would slip and do you know what? He did slip. He slipped across the floor and skidded right into a concession stand. Then he blacked out.

When he woke up, someone was writing on his back with a marker. Allen opened his eyes and turned around to see Cross crouching over him while Tim floated around his head in circles.

"What happened to the fight?" Allen asked.

"I won," Cross answered casually. "When I'm done writing my name, carry my stuff back to the hotel room, manservant."

Tim fluttered down to Allen's still-bleeding ear to speak.

"I will rape you in your sleep. Walk to the drugstore right now while you still can on those legs of yours, because it will hurt so bad when you wake up you will need a whole bottle of painkillers," the golden golem threatened.

Allen cried and tried to crawl to freedom, but both his master and the golem grabbed him and pulled him away to bring him to his own personal hell. He cried harder.

-…-

For some reason, I always imagined Tim swearing and terrorizing Allen. I hope you didn't mind all the swearing ._.

Next chapter: Food Court Mayhem.


	4. Chapter 4

101 Attempts 4- Food Courts

First, I'd like to say thanks to the following reviewers: Prunella7, Alice Nyte, Evermore Moon- A Selfish Writer, Raychaell Dionzeros, asdasdsdsdf, Farewell To My Fate, and A.R. 0w0v

I promise I'll get back to your reviews sometime! XD

Title: I Think Timcanpy Has Tourettes…

-…-

Food courts were large and perfect hiding spots for Allen Walker. A variety of small restaurants stood connected in a half circle with a sea of chairs and tables to fill the gap between. Families, friends, and couples ate together under the shade in comfort while Allen sat with a mountain of food in front of him. The golden golem of terror, otherwise known as Timcanpy, sat on his head and stealing food from time to time. Between bites the golem would whisper threats of death to him. By now Allen didn't mind too much. It was only when Tim actually tried to act out his threats that he would be scared. Today he wasn't hiding from Tim, rather Allen was hiding from his master. Cross and Tim were a living nightmare when collaborating to cause Allen torment, and it was easier with only one of them around. Thus, he had taken Tim with him to the food court as he was currently the lesser of two evils. That, and Tim would find them anyways had Allen gone with Cross.

Today's lesson was sky diving. Normally Allen would be excited, but this was Cross Marian he was talking about here. Knowing that man, they would probably go sky diving with no parachute. Deciding he would definitely not enjoy that, Allen had run away for the day in hopes of delaying the dreaded lesson. Whenever he missed a day of training, Allen noticed that Cross always moved on to the next lesson the following day and never went back to the canceled lessons.

Allen was about to take a bite out of his hotdog when Tim's tail swept across his face and stole his food, consuming it in three seconds flat. He pouted but reached for the other hotdog, only to have that one swiped that one as well. "Tim," Allen whined, while the golem looked down at him with it's golden face.

"Bitch I will rape your sorry ass," Tim snarled through bare teeth.

That was enough to subdue Allen into silence. His stomach grumbled but every time he reached out for his food it would be stolen right from his hands. Tim grew quiet and continued to eat the slowly diminishing pile of food on the table, smacking away Allen's hand with each attempt to feed himself. His stomach grumbled louder, and Allen looked up with pleading eyes at the golem sitting on his head.

"What are you looking at you piece of shit? I will fucking **END** you," Tim threatened and menacingly flew into Allen's face, opening his mouth to reveal sharp teeth and biting the poor boy's nose. "Don't fucking _**stare**_ at me!"

"Y-yes sir," Allen sobbed.

To reward Allen's good behavior, Tim grabbed a peanut and flung it at Allen's face.

Allen didn't eat it.

Tim glared.

Allen ate it.

Ten meals later a man with red hair and a long black coat with gold linings strode into the food court. Allen reflexively grabbed the person next to him- a man by the name of Link- and used him as a shield, wondering just how this day could possibly get worse. Unfortunately he jinxed himself as his master spotted him right away, striding towards his table angrily. Tim left his territory- Allen's head- to challenge the newcomer. By the time Cross Marian stood just feet away, the golden golem got in his face to bare his teeth threateningly. Cross glared straight back and swatted Tim away as if he were a pesky fly.

Cross looked to the piles of plates before Allen, and then to the apprentice who hid behind a man with two dots on his forehead.

"Good, you ate. You're going to need your energy for today's lesson," was all he said before grabbing his apprentice by the ear and dragging him to certain doom.

Allen wanted to tell him that he hadn't eaten a single bite, but the evil stare he received from Timcanpy told him to shut up and so he did. As long as Tim and Cross were a team, any resistance from Allen was futile.

-...-

Since I have up to chapter seven, I'll be posting again later so make sure you check back :) Please review- input is always appreciated. I don't mind if it's even just one word or half a word, I like to get reviews the most ^_^ I guess that makes me a little greedy, but oh well ._. Also, I'm starting to sing songs a capella (though my recorder isn't very good) so if you ever want to hear me sing, just ask for a link :D I'm kind of proud of myself, actually ^^ Maybe I'll even do a dramatic reading if I get enough feedback? Hinthint.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five- Mascots

Title: You Know, There's A Word For People Who Eat Too Much…

Here's the next installment ^^

-…-

Mascot costumes were unpleasant to wear. They were large, dark, sort of smelly and difficult to move in (much less breathe). However, they were convenient for anyone trying to hide. The large costume could hide one's form, the smell would disguise their scent, and on top of that Allen Walker thought they were so terrifying that a sane man would not _dare_ approach the advertising horror. He smirked underneath his costume and walked throughout his designated area in disguise. Just half an hour ago, Allen had bribed the owner of the suit into letting him use it. He had explained his plight and luckily the worker had understood him, because he let Allen take the mascot costume without even accepting the money Allen had offered. That was just fine with him. He needed all the money he could get his hands on at the rate his master was drinking.

Now, why was Allen wearing this ridiculous cow costume, you ask? Well, that was obvious. Cross hated cows, mascots, Allen, anything dirty, and various other things, but if Allen combined all of those into one _thing_ then Cross would avoid him like a vampire to garlic. If his plan worked, which it should, Cross would simply walk away from him and never come back! Since Cross always found Allen no matter where on the planet Earth he was, then Allen would have to disgust the man to the point where he disowned him. Thus, the apprentice carried on with his stroll throughout the park, pointing hungry-looking customers to the restaurant he represented. Every once and a while he would take pictures with little kids that persisted on tugging on his cow tail. He really did hope he was creepy enough, because the suit was certainly scaring him (and he was the one inside of it).

This better be worth it, he thought as a man with long red hair and a black Exorcist coat lined with gold came into view. The man stuck out like a sore thumb, because Allen was able to spot him the moment he left... the very same restaurant Allen had been advertising? He nearly screamed as Tim looked his way and left the man's side to torment the poor boy. Allen pretended he had never seen the golem, continuing to hold his sign that pointed to the food stop. However, Tim flew into his face and landed on the area between the fake eyes. Cross noticed this and stopped in his tracks to stare at the golem terrorizing the cow mascot. Cross changed his direction to head over while Allen panicked inside of the suit. Why wasn't Cross going away?

A terrified Allen stood there, shaking inside of the large suit while Timcanpy gnawed at the barrier between them. Meanwhile, Cross stood intimidatingly over the little cow while it cried. He grabbed it by the collar and laughed cruelly as the cowbell rang.

"Say, Tim, what do you think about roasting him?" Cross grinned menacingly while Allen continued to cry. "We should have a feast. It's too bad _Allen _wont get any meat, seeing as how he we can't find him."

Meat?

Allen threw the mascot head to the side to speak properly, succumbing to the temptation of food and forgetting the entire point of putting the disguise on in the first place.

"No, I'm right here!" Allen protested, struggling to be seen as his small body slipped into the large costume. "Will there really be meat? Pork and beef and chicken and-"

_"I told you he would come out for the food, Tim."_

"And... I just fell for that, didn't I?" Allen sweat-dropped with a small sigh. He was dropped to the floor in response and then kicked into the nearby tree, rolling across the pavement as his master mocked him.

"Yeah, you did," Cross answered. "Now take off that disgusting _thing_ so we can go home."

Reluctantly, Allen crawled out of the costume as he broke down in tears, bidding Mr. Cow a final goodbye. He left the costume on the grass against the tree he'd been kicked into, and cried harder. A hand offered itself and Allen blinked through his blurry eyes. His master refused to look at him, but his hand was available for his crying apprentice to take. Allen sniffed and smiled, taking the hand as they left the park to return home for the day. Tim trailed behind silently, swinging his tail back and forth as he followed the pair.

"Master, will we really be eating a huge cow for dinner?" Allen asked, carelessly wrapping his mind around the thoughts of their next meal.

It was Cross's turn to sigh.

"You really are a glutton, you know that, right?"

"I know. But Tim eats more than me and you know that!"

"Sure, sure, whatever you say you stupid little cow."

-…-

Aww :]


	6. Chapter 6

101 Attempts 6- Ferris Wheels

Title: I Think They Might Be Related

Thanks to the following (wonderful, beautiful, handsome) reviewers: Felicity Taylor, Alice Nyte, 0Book0Worm0, Raychaell Dionzeros, PurplePunkKitty, Farewell To My Fate, Evermore Moon- A Selfish Writer, A.R. 0w0v

A/N: You know what? No one is even taking anything I write seriously anymore. I had someone - no names here- review every single one of my stories and message me with "lol you're so funny" even though some of my fics had serious stuff in it ._. And now I can't write anything but humor, so this story is my main focus until I get it all out.

-…-

"And whatever you do, don't unlock my ride," an eleven-year-old Allen told the operator to the ride known as the Ferris Wheel. He stood before the man with silver pleading eyes that carried heavy shadows underneath from lack of sleep. He pouted up to the operator in hopes of sympathy. "Please- my master is working me to the bone and I just want to get some rest so pleeaaasse let me stay on?"

The operator nodded.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," he answered passively. "You'll have to share your cart if we get packed though."

"Thank you," Allen gushed as he stepped into the metal contraption, closing the door behind him while the operator locked it. With him being the last one in, the ferris wheel began its slow rotation. He leaned back against the leather seat, and closed his eyes to sleep.

-…-

"Eh, do you think we should wake her up, Old Panda?"

Smack.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me that!"

Allen's eyes fluttered open with a small yawn, pushing himself up to sit and blinking at the strangers sitting across from him. As a delayed reaction, he jumped slightly when he realized they were staring at him. He looked down at his watch and saw that it was already noon. He was surprised that he had been asleep for so long without Tim or Cross finding him.

"Er, hi?" Allen greeted awkwardly, feeling like squirming under the intense gazes of the two other riders. One had red hair and an eye patch over his right eye (and for a second he mistook the young man for Cross) but the eye that was visible was a vibrant green. The other was an old man with black makeup (or bruising) around both eyes with clump of hair sticking up on his head. They both donned the Exorcist uniform with the silver trimmings and Allen almost believed they were Cross's underlings come to take him back.

"Ah, the beansprout is finally awake!" the redhead exclaimed, shaking his elder's shoulder excitedly. "Isn't she cute, old man?"

"My name is Allen," the boy pointed out with a small pout.

The redhead ignored him. "Who would have thought General Cross would take such a cute little girl under his wing? Maybe that guy is a softie after all!"

Allen's jaw dropped and his skin blanched considerably.

"Please, sirs, please don't take me back to that man," he begged as he fell to his knees for mercy. "I can't stand him! Please don't take me back," he cried.

"Oi, idiot apprentice," a voice called and Allen nearly melted into a puddle. His eyes followed the source of the sound and he saw that in the seat ahead of him sat the very same man he hated. The man sat alone, lounging on his seat and surrounded by several wine bottles. Allen screamed in horror when he saw how many had been emptied. His master sipped from his glass and Timcanpy peeked out from his master's hat to stare at him with the intent to kill. Cross didn't notice. "That's a nice crying face you have there! It suits your pathetic self!"

Cross's seat came to a stop and the moment the door was unlocked he stepped out, pointing up at Allen's seat as the operator nodded. Allen got up and pushed the redhead exorcist aside to hide behind him.

"Eh? You want to kiss?" the young man joked. "My name is Lavi if you're even interested."

"No! That's not it!" Allen protested with a small blush as his elder embarrassed him.

Their cart reached the ground, and Allen screamed as his master flung the door open. Allen was grabbed harshly from his hiding spot behind Lavi, nails digging into the seat while his master pulled. Lavi snickered as he pried Allen's fingers from the leather. The boy was brought to sit beside his master in the seat just minutes ago he had slept on. An arm wrapped tight around his shoulders, and Allen was forced to sit so close to his master that he was practically sitting on the man's lap. Allen trembled in fear while Lavi laughed at his misery. Tim slid down from under Cross's hat and hit Allen's face with his tail, opting to sit on the boy's shoulder to whisper death threats.

The door closed again before Allen could try anything to escape, and the ride was set into motion once again. Lavi and Tim both tormented Allen with their words while Cross merely sat there, starting up a conversation with the old man across from them. Tears continued to stream down his face pathetically and eventually he fainted, knowing he was the laughingstock of their Ferris Wheel's cart.

-…-

I'll have to warn some of my readers that since the D Gray Man fandom is littered with with slash, that there will be many gay jokes and sexual innuendos. There will also be many ****ed up situations, and one in particular that I have in mind right now is just the funniest thing I've ever heard of, inspired by DGM Crack Theories. In fact, I'll be stopping the "amusement park" theme for a while to start the arc I have in mind.

We should make a chapter count down. Just saying.


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks to the following reviewers :D - Prunella7, Raychaell Dionzeros, Felicity Taylor, Evermore Moon- A Selfish Writer, xXDormantInsanityXx, and Guest

Innocence Arc- ¼

A/N: This is extremely ****ed up. There's something wrong with me. I think this is what you might call a "troll" chapter?

Pairings: Judgement x fem!Crown Clown, one-sided Apocryphos x fem!Crown Clown

Warnings for messed up shit. And No, this isn't really slash.

Attempt #1 incase you miss it: Running away during a visit.

A/N: Edited

._.

"Royal Flush," Cross declared and showed his cards to his idiot apprentice, who dropped his own in response as he screamed out of frustration. Allen tore at his hair and flipped the table over, but luckily Cross grabbed his glass of wine before it could be destroyed in Allen's rage. His pathetic face cried while Timcanpy flew into his face and whacked him with his tail. Cross watched Allen "rage quit" (as the youngsters called it) and storm out of the room, turning at the last moment in the doorway to shout at him. His face was burning red- probably from the alcohol Cross had shoved down his throat after the last game- and he wasn't even looking at Cross, rather he was glaring at poor Link, who had stood by the kid's side the whole stay. The two-dot didn't comment, but he seemed surprised by the outburst.

"You're a monster! I hate you, master!" Allen shouted at "Cross", although Cross knew his idiot didn't mean anything he had just said. It was just that whenever they played together, Cross cheated because it was funny to see the much feared "Card Devil" lose his composure like this. It was also funny when Allen got drunk. Losing meant that the winner got to chose a punishment, another reason why Cross refused to lose and resorted to cheating. He knew Allen would put him through hell should he win. Sometimes he considered letting the boy win, but he was very aware of the innocent front his apprentice put on. Allen would show no mercy towards him. The moment he won, his "dark side" would take over and "nice Allen" would go bye-bye out the window.

Allen fell over in the doorway and a finder passed by. The finder glanced at him but did nothing, moving on with his life. The bodyguards outside did nothing either. Cross sighed, and moved to help the kid seeing as how he had no other choice. He knelt down to pick his apprentice up, but the cards he had used to cheat fell from his sleeve. Every last one of them scattered across the floor and Cross dropped his apprentice when he saw horns spring from his white hair. The boy got to his feet, fuming with a fire in his eyes while he gave his master a poisonous glare. This would scared the average man, but Cross thought Allen looked more like an irritated kitten when he pulled that face.

"You cheated?" Allen shrieked, catching the attention of the guards posted outside of the room they were permitted to use twice a week to see each other. Link rushed over to prevent Allen from slaughtering his master with Crown Clown, holding the teen back as he activated his Innocence. Cross still couldn't believe that Allen's Innocence had evolved so fast. It had gone from a claw to a sword in just months. Cross decided to back up as Allen drew his sword.

"No," he denied quickly, "this is just my extra pack of cards!"

Allen stared at him skeptically and his rage began to fade while he thought about that. Cross was suddenly glad that he had gotten his apprentice drunk. He was so distracted by this that he didn't notice his hand lose control of itself and draw Judgment from its holster. As if magnetized, his gun was pulled to Allen's sword by some strange force, bringing Cross's arm along with it. His gun practically glowed as it rubbed itself lovingly against Crown Clown and little hearts could be seen flying out of it. Convinced he was the one drunk, he rubbed at his eyes with his free hand but Judgment was definitely hitting on Crown Clown.

The white haired boy looked down at Cross's gun and he gaped, deactivating his Innocence in response to his master's gun's odd behavior. He let out protests as the gun made its way into his hand and nuzzled the small cross on the back, while Cross couldn't do anything but stare at his weapon in horror.

"Go away!" Allen screamed at his master and broke free of Link's hold, bolting down the hallway after freeing himself of Judgment. Cross stared at his apprentice's retreating back and then to his Innocence, which itched to go after the other. He pulled a face and glared down at his hand.

He had heard of Innocence forming consciousness of their own, but this was just ridiculous.

._.

Allen gasped for air as his legs gave out and he collapsed in front of his room, the alcohol from earlier not helping his present condition. He entered his room and stumbled inside, somehow managing to close the door behind him. His left hand throbbed painfully, as if aching to return to the Innocence that had molested it mere moments ago. Extremely flustered, Allen pressed his back against his door and slid to the ground, glaring at said left arm for betraying him. He willed his blush down but to no avail, as his hand continued to twitch.

The hand reached for the doorknob but Allen swatted it away. That was when the strangest thing possible happened. Crown Clown spoke.

"_I want to see Nii-san,_" it whined in a feminine voice.

Allen's skin blanched and he nearly screamed. He didn't know where that voice had come from- he certainly didn't see any mouths on his hand- so he assumed his Innocence had spoken in his head. His hand twitched again and Allen couldn't believe it had just called Judgment "Nii-san." On top of that, Allen was surprised that his Innocence was a woman (but he wasnt surprised that it had fallen for Cross's Innocence- that man was always popular with the ladies so Allen supposed his weapon would be the same). Was that why everyone mistook him for one? Allen thought that the Innocence would be the same gender as the accommodator, but not in his case he supposed.

"No! You can't do that- that's wrong," Allen blurted out.

"_But I love nii-san,"_ female Crown Clown protested. "_Nii-san is so strong and cool. I think… I think I really love him_."

Oh dear God, why was this happening to him? Allen banged his head against the door behind him and prayed that he would end up in a horrible accident and die. As if God were trying to answer his call, his window was broken and a white figure came crashing in. Crown Clown activated to protect him, the protective cloak wrapping around him while his left arm transformed into a sword for him to use. Standing before him was a deformed humanoid being. It was entirely white and its skin was slightly cracked. On its chest was a small cross similar to the one Allen always saw on his hand. He frowned and tried to step back, but the closed door prevented immediate escape.

"Who are you," Allen demanded as he raised his sword. "What are you-"

Allen didn't have a chance to finish his sentence as the humanoid being jumped on top of Crown Clown, embracing it lovingly while Allen nearly fainted.

The entire audience proceeded to flip the fuck out, and one reader raced to reach the garbage can in time before throwing up.

"C.C, I missed you!" the white horror exclaimed. Allen was shocked by the usage of such a strange nickname for his Innocence, and he struggled to get the thing off of him. He broke down his door and backed away, bumping into the rail and failing at his attempts to push his attacker away. Allen looked around for help as he held the monster back, but no one was in sight. Allen slipped on the ground and fell with a thump, his sword flying through the air and nearly impaling him as he scrambled to get back up.

The monster caught the sword before it could hit the ground and Allen could hear the Crown Clown calling out for him to save it. The attacker kissed the sword's metal and Allen screamed so loud he could have sworn he shook the building. The reading audience squirmed uncomfortably in their seats as they continued to scroll down the page. Staff appeared to his aid and the finders that arrived weren't sure what to do, but grabbed Allen regardless. The monster was focused entirely on Allen's left arm, ignoring the attention it was gathering in favor of showing the world its affections for Crown Clown. Allen was so disgusted and horrified that he threw up a little in his mouth. That was how Link found him when he finally caught up to him, standing on the other side of the white monster and Allen's left arm. The man's eyes widened comically as he inched his way around to go to Allen's side.

"Walker-san, what happened?" he asked as he crouched down beside the frightened teenager. He shook Allen's shoulders and managed to tear Allen's eyes away from the horror. Allen looked like he was ready to cry or scream- maybe both, so Link pulled him up to stand and protectively kept the Exorcist behind him. He was ready to defend the boy, but the being before them held no interest in attacking anyone. Link wasn't quite sure what to do in this situation. He grabbed a Finder to tell them to pass on a message for him.

"Get security down here and tell Komui about this- fast," he ordered.

The Finder ran to say the least.

._.

Allen was completely and utterly confused. He didn't know what was happening anymore. Burning into his mind were images that would never go away. Within minutes of the Finder leaving, absolute hell had been unleashed. Allen had struggled with the being known as "Apocryphos" to get his poor, molested arm back while Link was useless. The alarms had proceeded to blare through the building and Exorcists practically rained from the ceiling to jump into the fight. The ones who showed up proved to be useless and the ones who were currently recovering actually thought of a plan to save Allen. Someone- no names, though they may or may not have short red hair and an eye patch- thought it would be a _brilliant_ idea to dog pile Apocryphos while Allen was still fighting, so everyone in the area tackled them to form a pile of human bodies (plus Innocence manifestation). Allen had at least been able to reclaim his arm, but then Apocryphos set off some sort of explosion that sent bodies flying everywhere.

Komui valiantly appeared at the scene afterwards with a Komurin robot, having mistaken the intruder for a "crazy rapist" when the original message had been something along the lines of "Allen Walker's Innocence was stolen by a monster." He didn't see how that could possibly be mistranslated. Maybe the Finder phrased it wrong? Anyways, Komui started screaming like an idiot something about how he would never let a dirty bastard touch his precious Lenalee while the Science Division head tried to tell him the truth. The Komurin had then been deemed a safety hazard by Link, who destroyed the accursed contraption.

Allen, unsure of how to deal with the situation, resorted to alcohol in an attempt to block at the crazy bullshit happening around him. It didn't really work, but he started to laugh at anything he saw and that made him feel a bit better.

Meanwhile Apocryphos got back up on his feet to attack.

After that pointless scene, Road and Tyki somehow managed to slip past security to attack Apocryphos. Road, believing Allen was upset, embraced him while Tyki said something about 7000 years and another pointless battle ensued, only this time the opponent could actually fight back. Allen thought it was strange that no one was doing anything about the Noahs that had infiltrated the Black Order, but he wasn't going to complain as long as they kept that creep away from his arm. The moment Road got off of him, he had sworn he was going to find a bathroom so he could scrub his arm. Unfortunately, Road was attacked by a jealous Apocryphos (who had seen the Noah clinging onto Allen's left arm) so she said something about Neah and turned to pretty lights.

Allen hoped she was okay. Tyki went off to war again, and told Allen he would play cards with him some other time. He also said that next time he would find a nice restaurant to take him to that served fine wine (and a nice hotel). Allen didn't know what he was talking about- why would they cards when their lives were (most likely) at stake. Though he _was_ interested in the food, so Allen gave Tyki his number and told him he could call him anytime. He wasn't so interested in the hotel part. Without any guidance Allen wandered the forest outside of the Order before Lenalee found him and started crying. Allen smiled at her- she was probably just glad he was doing okay. Lenalee could be so emotional sometimes, he thought as she dragged him back to where everyone else was. Upon returning he saw Tyki getting his ass kicked so he laughed at him. _What a loser, _he thought. The Portuguese glared at him just as he dodged one of Apocryphos's lethal hits.

The alcohol began to wear off at some point as Allen wandered through the destroyed halls of the Order. There were some people lying face-down on the ground, surrounded by some red stuff. Allen pouted. _Damn,_ he thought, _they must have had one hell of a drunk party to cause this much damage_. Though upon closer inspection, he realized their clothes were torn and some of them suffered serious injuries. The red stuff was not alcohol. Around him the staff were scrambling to take the injured to safety and Apocryphos was still outside battling the Innocence Monster. Allen moved along the rubble and destruction when Crown Clown spoke up again.

"_Nii-san is nearby!_" female Crown Clown exclaimed and activated itself again, turning into a razor-sharp claw with… painted nails? Allen was pulled along by his left arm in some random direction, sent flying into a tall figure wearing a black coat with golden lining. He took a step back and a hand took his left, holding it tightly with a gun in between. Allen looked up to see his master frozen in place as his gun took over his body.

"_C.C_," Judgment called out to Allen's Innocence in a very masculine voice, ignoring the awkward atmosphere surrounding the accommodators. The two Exorcists tried to tug away from the other, but their possessed hands remained intertwined with Judgment still in between. Allen started to cry, cursing God for putting him through this torment. Allen tried to twist out of the grip, as that always worked, but ended up having his body controlled by white ribbons that forced him into his master's arms while the two Innocence had their moment. Allen cried harder as his master merely stood there, having given up. "_Did that dirty bastard try to merge with you again?_"

"_Nii-san, I was so scared," _female Crown Clown cried into Judgment. Judgment comforted the crying Innocence while their accommodators desperately wanted for nothing more than to tear them apart. Crown Clown sobbed along with her user, only for different reasons. A suspiciously feminine scream escaped his lips when he saw the white monster slowly frowned at him and Allen blamed it on the Innocence possessing him. Apocryphos must have defeated Tyki, because the Noah was nowhere in sight. Judgment made a clicking noise and Cross's hand rose, bringing up the crying Crown Clown as it aimed at the assailant. _"He tried to kiss me," she _accused.

"_It's alright, C.C, I'll always be here to protect you," _Judgment promised. As if controlled by invisible strings, Cross's other arm wrapped around his apprentice to bring him close and pat his shoulder. Crown Clown forced Allen to hug his master around the waist while it continued to cry, Allen feeling like fainting the whole time. Cross's finger involuntarily squeezed the trigger and fired several rounds into Apocryphos in a split second.

"Master, what's going on," Allen scowled up at the equally enraged General. "What did you do to my Innocence?"

"… You have no idea how wrong that sounds," the redhead sighed as his face twitched.

"Huh?" Allen responded ever so eloquently. "What do you mean?"

"_Nii-san," _Crown Clown called out timidly to Judgment as Apocryphos was blown backwards by the impact. "_Nii-san, can I call you by your first name? I… have something I want to tell you_," she admitted. Allen still didn't know where that voice was coming from, but he wasn't the only one hearing it because one- Cross's was talking too, and two- Cross made a face as Crown Clown spoke. "_We might not survive this, so I want to tell you something I've been holding back for all this time I've known you."_

Apocryphos got back up to his feet and Judgment prepared to fire another barrage of bullets.

"_Call me Judgment," _the gun requested.

Crown Clown took a deep breath and Allen wanted to drop dead as his body was forced up on the tips of his toes, lips pressing gently against his master's cheek while Allen's face burned so horribly he was sure he was about to faint. If not he'd be knocked out the moment his master regained control over his own body.

Cross was silent for several moments.

"Allen," he spoke up. "If _Apocryphos_ doesn't kill you..."

"_I love you," _Crown Clown whispered.

"... then **I** will."

Again, Allen screamed, this time mortified and scarred for life.

Rejected, Apocryphos stopped in his attack and fell silent. His shoulders slumped as he retreated. Judgment forced Cross to wrap both of his arms around the smaller Exorcist while the man fumed, Allen fearing for his life as he unwillingly returned the hold. Judgment and Crown Clown both started to glow and do something weird, while Cross freed his left hand to avert Allen's curious gaze. This was how the Black Order found them in the aftermath of the attack, staff awkwardly inching around them to get by to transport the injured. Everyone else formed a tight circle around them and began to whisper amongst themselves. Allen sent his friends a pleading look as they gave them confused glances.

Komui stepped forward to see what the commotion was about, and his jaw dropped when he saw what the two Innocence were doing. The man released a womanly scream and shielded his little sister's curious eyes.

"What are you two doing?" Komui shrieked. "FIND A ROOM, YOU DIRTY BASTARDS, YOU'RE DESTROYING MY PRECIOUS LENALEE'S INNOCENT MIND!"

Allen's ears ached at the screaming and he moved his head to look at Crown Clown and Judgment, but he couldn't see over the glowing that shielded both his arm and Cross's gun. Cross let out an exasperated sigh (again) and seemed to give up (again), closing his eyes (again) as if praying for this all to be over (again).

Allen continued to cry (again).

This was going to be a long day.

._.

Escape Attempt: Running away

Escape attempt foiled by: Crown Clown

If you think this was messed up, just wait until the next chapters. I'll probably post sometime from Friday to Sunday, because tomorrow I have my volunteer and I won't be able to type anything.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to start building my fort of protection. I know some of my readers are going to try and send me to hell for this. But in all honesty, I DID warn you.

*Prepares for the bricks*


	8. Chapter 8

101 Innocence Arc Part Two

A/N; YES! –looks at reviews- YES, THAT WAS THE RESPONSE I WANTED! COMPLETE AND UTTER SHOCK 8D

Thank you to the following reviewers (if I haven't gotten back to you yet I soon will) -_ Chester-Grey, TNT-Rock-n-Roll, Farewell To My Fate, Felicity Taylor, Raychaell Dionzeros_ (who is having a laughing seizure since the first chapter and needs an AMBULANCE) _Guest, and Evermore Moon- A Selfish Writer._

A/N: Edited

._.

Neah hated his host's Innocence, Crown Clown. The woman was always hogging Allen's attention and getting their host into trouble by charging headfirst into battle. If Allen couldn't fight on his own? Possess his body and continue fighting when it'd be so much easier to retreat! Sure. _Because that made perfect sense_. Not only was Crown Clown troublesome, but she wasn't very smart either. She constantly put them all in danger and Neah was sick of it. He wanted Crown Clown to leave so that he could live without fear of dying, and also to take over Allen's body. When Apocryphos had appeared to merge with Crown Clown, Neah had been thrilled- no, _elated._ '_It's about time she left_,' he'd thought as he made preparations to take over. That was when Judgment killed his hopes and dreams by saving Crown Clown. Neah hadn't been that disappointed since he had failed in assassinating the Millennium Earl. Now he hated Judgment too. Sheesh. To think Cross Marian had been his ally! There really was no one he could trust, and it was all that woman's fault.

Before he could possess Allen Walker's body, he would definitely have to dispose of the Innocence. That would be quite the problem, because Allen's Innocence just happened to be parasitic so that meant he would have to chop off his own arm or something of the like. He wasn't looking forward to the pain, but it would be necessary if he wanted to return to the world. Oh well- he could always craft replacement arm. Perhaps he would install a "rocket arm" feature as an extra. Neah had considered letting Crown Clown stay (having an Innocence could be useful when fighting his idiot siblings) but the Innocence were the Noah's natural enemy. And he was a Noah. If he let her stay, she would add to his list of troubles as he tried to conquer the world. Therefore, as the youngsters phased it "bitch gotta go." Now if he could only think of how to rid Allen's body of Crown Clown without there being too much pain. Neah was certain he could use Apocryphos to his advantage, so he possessed Allen's body while the kid was asleep to write a letter to the white monster that peered through their window when it was dark.

Neah didn't know how that two-dot could possibly miss that _thing_ staring at them through the window. It was so obvious. Though, Neah wasn't sure how he could even see it in the first place- Allen's eyes were closed when he slept, even right now. So how was he able to see Apocryphos, _much less see what he was writing?_ Astral projection and muscle memory, he convinced himself as he continued to write. He kept the pen to the paper as he wrote on. The guy outside the window staring with those demonic eyes of its was a little unnerving, though. He ignored it.

He was going to ask Apocryphos to merge with Crown Clown. While he knew that both Allen and Crown Clown wouldn't appreciate being set up on blind dates with the Innocence manifestation, he couldn't care any less. He hated Crown Clown and he didn't care about what she thought about him. He was the father in this "house," and damn it, he was kicking her out. He was marrying her off to Apocryphos because he didn't want her with Judgment. Like it or not, he wasn't going to allow them to be together to make little Innocence monsters. Neah smiled in satisfaction as he signed the letter with his name. He stood up from the chair and dragged Allen's unconscious body over to the window, creaking it open to hand the letter to the stalker. He felt the letter leave his hand and he reclosed the window, tip-toeing around an awakening Howard Link as he snuck back into bed. It was only a matter of time before he got some peace of mind around here. Next he would have to get rid of Judgment, because that guy wanted Crown Clown to stay in Allen for some reason or another.

Unfortunately for Allen, the kid woke up to find a bouquet of roses in his face. Neah laughed at the kid who jumped and scrambled away from the white monster. He nearly tripped over an unconscious Link and fell to the ground, his left hand being captured as he was dragged away. Neah stopped laughing and silenced himself as he thought of the repercussions that could come out of this. There was a chance he could be killed while Crown Clown was being extracted. Then he started laughing again when he saw Allen's pathetic crying face as he screamed for someone to save him and for some reason he knew things would turn out just fine. Neah let out a yawn and closed his eyes for now. He could only take over Allen's mind for so long, and when he did it was simply exhausting. He didn't know writing a simple letter could be so tiring.

._.

Crown Clown was currently _very_ upset with the other being inside of her host. Not only had Neah set her up on a date with Apocryphos, but that bastard had given the _other _bastard permission to marry her. No. Just _no_. She didn't care what Neah said; she was NOT merging with Apocryphos. She refused to even transform for him. She growled and hissed from the small cross engraved into Allen's left hand, which was currently held captive by said monster. Oh yes, she was _very_ upset with Neah. The worst was that her boyfriend, Judgment, wasn't around to save her this time. Until someone decided to rescue her, she wasn't going to respond at all.

The writer then realized how stupid all of this sounded, but continued to write regardless.

"_I hate you, Neah!_" she screamed at the sleeping Noah in Allen's mind.

She could feel Neah smirk at her.

Allen, meanwhile, was so shocked by the recent turn of events that he had entered a sort of catatonic state. This morning he had woken up to see Apocryphos standing over him and had nearly wet himself. Poor kid. She understood why he had "flipped out" (as the humans called it) because in all honesty she would have had the same reaction. The window's glass had then been shattered as Allen called out to Link (useless as usual), who had been knocked unconscious prior to his rude awakening. Now here they were on some whacked-up date, sitting across from each other at a café where they had a nice seat outside. Apocryphos was doing all the talking, Allen was doing all the crying, and Crown Clown was doing all the hating. And oh, how she hated.

She read over the menu Allen hid behind as her hand was held and squeezed by the Innocence inches away. Normally she would be enjoying this kind of date. She supposed it was a nice day out- the sky was mostly clear and the weather wasn't too bad either. The air was warm accompanied by a gentle breeze, while the citizens of this place seemed to be at ease. Sure, it was a nice day. Didn't mean she was enjoying herself right now though. Maybe at the very least she could order everything on the menu in hopes of turning Apocryphos off. Apparently stuffing one's face with food could ruin a date. She sighed and wished again that Judgment were here with her instead of _this _guy.

._.

"_I'm telling you; she's nearby_!" Judgment yelled at a currently agitated Cross. The general had ditched his bodyguards for the day, using the old "pillow as a body in bed" trick. He had left the Order to go out for a stroll in the city so he could have some peace of mind without people constantly in his face. He hated how those dirty bastards couldn't even serve a proper glass of wine and refused him the company of lovely ladies. Jesus Christ, he just wanted to have some fun. The Order was just too strict for his tastes.

"And _I'm_ telling _you _that I don't care," Cross snapped back.

Ever since Crown Clown and Judgment had eloped after the Apocryphos attack, all Judgment had been able to focus on was his new lover. Cross couldn't even go to sleep at night with Judgment making comments about "how lovely C.C's hair is" or "how fine her ass is." Fucking. Annoying. He supposed this was what he sounded like to anyone he talked to though, so like master like weapon. Only Judgment was more persistent in the pursuit of women, because he had woken Cross up in the middle of the night to ask him to pass a love letter to Crown Clown. Cross had proceeded to return to sleep, but ended up being shot at so he (tried) to deliver the message. Link had shut the door on him when he explained Judgment wanted to send Crown Clown a message, but Link translated that as one of his drunken attempts to make contact with Allen. So he slipped the paper under the door to Allen's room without caring if the wrong person read it. Honestly- those two were nothing but trouble.

He couldn't even go anywhere now without people whispering about him. Everywhere he went in the building, the Black Order staff would begin to gossip about the incident a week ago. One time, he heard that red haired guy with the eye patch call out "GAAAAAAY!" as he passed by, referencing that incident from earlier. Cross got drunk later that evening and quickly forgot about that, but for others Cross would turn and glare at them pointedly the second he heard them and that would shut them up. What bugged him was that he hadn't been able to speak with his apprentice ever since then. He had been forbidden from contacting Allen until the higher-ups decided what to do with them. It wasn't every day that two Innocence got together like theirs did. There was no precedent to this. In fact, the Great Generals were currently in a state of confusion because of them. Hell, the Vatican was confused. The POPE was confused. No one knew what to do, because right out of the blue two Innocence fell in love. Who knew Innocence were even capable of emotion? Cross knew that at some point they would be inspected (and possibly experimented on) so he wanted to warn Allen before that time.

Speaking of Allen…

"_She needs help_," Judgment shouted at him. "That Apocryphos creep is back and he has her!" Judgment forced Cross to move his legs and run in the direction the gun was pointing at. Whatever. He was only bothered by how it looked like he was being dragged along by some invisible person, or like he was drunk (which he was at the moment). Cross was also annoyed by his gun's constant attempts to get together with Crown Clown, and it didn't help that the owner of said Innocence was his very own apprentice (who, to top it off of the fuckery, was a boy). It made things more awkward between them more than it already was. Whenever Judgment saw Crown Clown in the hall the two would jump on each other and they would have to be pulled apart. This made Allen hate him further than he already did.

Despite burdening Allen with all of his debts and putting the kid through hell during every encounter, Cross really did care for him. He didn't want Allen to hate him, so in hopes of improving the growing gap between them, Cross allowed Judgment to bring him to where Allen was so he could save the kid. He regained control over his body and ran where his Innocence told him to go. Eventually he was led to a nice café, where he found his idiot apprentice seated at a table across from the white monster.

Allen looked up and sent him a pleading look while he hid his face behind the menu, left hand held captive. Cross felt Judgment seethe with rage at the scene.

He knew exactly what was to come out of this.

"_Hands off my woman you dirty bastard!"_ Judgment roared and fired several rounds into Apocryphos out of jealous rage. Allen's hand was released and the civilians began to scream and run in terror. Oh, so they scream when a gun goes off, but they don't scream at the sight of a naked white monster? Sure. Cross clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and let his gun do all the work for him. He was screwed if the Order found him like this. Though perhaps he could just say Judgment forced him to? The Order was very well aware of how Innocence used accommodators like marionettes (especially when they had witnessed Judgment and Crown Clown force their users together in a hug so they- the Innocence- could get closer to each other and do their thing). Cross reached into his pocket with his free hand to fish out his box of cigarettes and his lighter while he watched Allen run over to him from the side.

Cross stuck the cancer stick in his mouth and handed his lighter over to Allen. He put both hands on his gun for better aim as he bent down so his apprentice could light his cigarette for him. Allen did so and held onto Cross's beloved lighter for him while he fought.

"So what are you doing out here?" Cross asked while he reloaded. Apocryphos took this chance to take cover behind a knocked over table. He scoffed- as if that would stop his bullets. He began the next round as Allen responded.

"I got kidnapped. Neah set Crown Clown up on a date with that guy and now she's angry," Allen answered. "I thought you were supposed to stay at the Order."

Cross shrugged and reloaded again. "I got bored so I left."

Allen smirked at him. "You know, maybe you wouldn't be so bored if you bothered to make friends every once in a while. It kills time, trust me." He smirk broadened as he continued. "Have you tried, or are you just an old loner?"

"… You better start running, kid."

Apocryphos took this chance to tackle Cross to the ground, wrenching Judgment out of his hands. Cross swore as the Innocence manifestation began to desynchronize him from his weapon. Allen did nothing to help, running away as Cross had threatened him. Damn it. The one time Allen listens to him, it ends up being no good. Using his upper body strength, Cross shoved the monster off of him. Apocryphos stumbled backwards and frowned as he tried to separate the Innocence from its user. Cross got back to his feet and waited.

Apocryphos scratched his head as he waited for the de-synchronization to be complete. Suddenly a blue holograph appeared before him.

"_404 error_?" Apocryphos exclaimed.

Cross laughed and kicked his opponent in the face. Just as he had suspected, then! His badass level was to high for him to be challenged. De-synchronization therefore would not work on him. Hah! He was so fucking awesome. He reclaimed his weapon to shoot his enemy, but the white monster had already retreated. Cross let out a petulant huff in annoyance. No killing today, then. Cross was left to stand alone in the middle of the street as sirens approached. Deciding sticking around wouldn't be his best idea yet, Cross ran after his apprentice while Judgment mocked Apocryphos for being weak. When Judgment finished his victory speech, he remembered his lover because he began to call out for her.

"_C.C_," Judgment called out as they rushed down several run-down alleys. "_C.C, where did you go?_"

It took the female Innocence a while to respond, but when she did the two weren't far away. "_I'm over here!_" she replied.

The cigarette in Cross's mouth fell to the pavement as his weapon took control over his body again. This whole possession thing was getting old. He found Allen crouching behind a garbage can minutes later and he picked him up by the scruff of the neck. Allen was still the same even after all these years. He thought back to every failed attempt at running away in the past as Judgment and Crown Clown had their "touching reunion."

He supposed they should return to the Order now, but Cross _really_ didn't feel like explaining any of this to the higher ups. Maybe they could go wait at a nice restaurant or find some pretty ladies to pass the time. Or maybe they could just run away and pretend that Cross hadn't ditched his guards at all and that he'd been taken along with Allen? Yeah, that sounded like a good idea. He didn't want to go back to the Order. In fact, why not just run away and never go back? Having Allen with him while on the run would be just like the old days. This way he could go into retirement- or "extended/permanent vacation."

Preferably the latter.

Both Crown Clown and Judgment were in agreement with his proposal and Allen was to the only one to object. Well, too bad- majority rules. Cross continued to drag his apprentice away while the two Innocence "did their thing" without caring that they were in public. Allen did his own crying thing and Cross told him to shut up. He wondered how long it would take for the Order to realize that they were missing or if they had even noticed they were gone. After all, their security sucked.

"Hey idiot, what do you say about using that Ark of yours to take a trip to the Bahamas?" he suggested.

"_A nice island," _Crown Clown requested happily through the glowing their hands (and weapon) were doing. "_A private one."_

"_Private," _Judgment emphasized. "_Very private_."

"Don't I get a say in any of this?" Allen exclaimed with a nervous expression. The idiot was probably worried about getting in trouble for this. Cross didn't care- he did stuff like this and no one ever stood up against him.

"No, you don't," Cross snapped. "Island. Now. And if you can, think of one with many pretty ladies and tons of alcohol."

"_Oh yes, we're going to need some help for when the baby arrives,_" Crown Clown hummed. The glowing stopped and Cross could have sworn Allen just had a heart attack based on the shock expression on his face. "_Women are much better when it comes to child delivery_."

"WHAT?" Allen screamed. "You're pregnant? HOW? WHEN? But… You're a** HAND!** HOW IS THERE ANY ROOM FOR YOU TO BE _PREGNANT_?"

A golden blur rammed into Allen's face and the boy yelped, struggling to get his master's golem away from him. Cross didn't know when Timcanpy had found them, but he was glad he did because the last time the Order wanted to find him they had used Tim. Well not this time. He planned on dropping off of the radar completely. Ignoring Allen's shock and denial, Cross pulled his idiot up to his feet and slammed him against the wall.

"Just make the damn portal already," he ordered.

"But we'll get in trouble," Allen protested as he tried to twist out of his master's grip. Cross kept him pinned against the wall as he heard the sirens getting closer.

"JUST DO IT DAMN IT," he roared in Allen's ear.

Stunned by the sudden loud noise, Allen complied to Cross's request as his ears rang painfully. Cross dragged his idiot apprentice through the white portal and stepped into paradise while Allen closed the portal behind them. He started to complain about how Cross was being selfish, but if it made the brat feel any better he could always claim that Cross had threatened his life. It wasn't like he hadn't done that before.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Hiding/Escaping Attempt: Hiding behind the garbage can

Foiled by: Crown Clown calling out for her honey.

Oh dear. Crown Clown is pregnant. Don't ask how because I don't know either, even though I'm the one writing this madness.


	9. Chapter 9

Innocence Arc Part Three

Thanks to anyone who reviewed last chapter :) I'l get back to you eventually! Sometime... So… this chapter is somewhat normal. I mean, as normal as it gets I suppose. Not as messed up as chapter seven, but still messed up.

Warning: This chapter contains retardation, cross dressing, bullshit and Innocence love. Viewer discretion is advised.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

._.

"Master, it's been six months. I don't think they're going to look for us anymore," Allen told his master who was packing up their belongings out of paranoia. Cross threw his clothes at Allen and told him to pack them for him while he watched out for any incoming boats. Allen sighed and did as he was told. In the beginning of his forced vacation he had been the same as Cross was now, but now their roles had been completely reversed. His master was probably confused by the lack of running away and having no one to run from. They had been relaxing on this island for the past few months and Allen had learned to enjoy it. Sure, Timcanpy still tormented him, but it was fine since he never actually did anything. The only other little problem was his Innocence.

Crown Clown and Judgment had been going at it during their entire stay so far and it annoyed Allen to no end. Whether they were over a campfire cooking or while they were swimming, the Innocence just wouldn't stop. They were like rabbits in the spring for the love of God. Allen could tell that it was getting to his master, too. There had been many nights they had woken up right next to each other with their hands doing that freaky glowing thing. Even after building two separate shelters, for some reason Allen would find an arm draped across his chest. His first reaction would be to scream bloody murder, then he would shove his master off of him. When he realized his master was too heavy, he would give up on pushing him off and would scream in hopes of waking him. That never worked no matter how many times he tried, so he would try to go back to sleep only to deal with Cross's snoring and the Innocence "doing their thing" as his master phrased it.

Allen spent his days sleeping and his nights suffering. In the mornings when Cross woke up, he would make some sort of perverted joke and Allen would glare. At first it had been terribly awkward, but Allen had been in worse situations with his master in the past so he didn't care too much about sharing a sleeping space with him. Eventually they both resigned and abandoned the other shelter, which had later been used for firewood. The Innocence were very insistent about them sleeping close to each other, and there was no use in resisting "two birds in love," another one of Cross's descriptions regarding the two. Anyways, after Cross stopped his snoring, Allen would take his turn in sleeping, occasionally disturbed for food or the Innocence's demand for "quality time."

The Innocence were very demanding, Crown Clown in particular. Before leaving for vacation, Crown Clown had declared herself pregnant. Judgment had been ecstatic at the news, Allen had been worried that he would be the one to carry the child (seriously, where was Crown Clown planning on keeping the kid? She was a HAND. Hands can't give birth, last time he checked), and Cross hadn't said anything regarding the matter so Allen didn't know how he felt. Though, Cross had mentioned shopping for baby clothing when Allen asked how this was possible in the first place _when there was already a limit to the number of Innocence in existence_. Either way he hadn't gotten an answer out of the man. On the other hand, Crown Clown seemed very happy (at first) but then she started to whine about gaining weight and how no one understood her because she was surrounded by men. Then she would switch back to her happy mode and ask for something sweet, so Allen went hunting for food for her (and was nearly killed several times in the process).

There wasn't much else to worry about after that. The weather was beautiful and the temperature bearable for a tropical island. Rain only came once in a blue moon, but when it did Allen would go outside anyways even as his master shouted at him that he would get sick. Allen thought he was more likely to get sick from the heat, so he ignored Cross in those days in favor of the cool rain. Other days Allen was able to enjoy his time away from the Order. He hadn't realized how stressful life had been over there, what with constantly fighting akuma, dealing with Kanda's crap, avoiding Lavi's harassment, dealing with Lenalee's crying, Krory's "Elaide" moments, Miranda's uselessness, and Komui's sister complex. Maybe Allen's hair was really white because of the stress those people put him through. He wondered if Cross left the Order for extended amounts of times so he could protect his hair color, because red hair was (apparently) prone to turning white.

Now that he thought about it, his hair had been red too at one point.

Allen sighed and finished their packing, looking out the makeshift window to see his master squinting out at the sea. He sighed for the umpteenth time. They had gone into a nearby town from time to time to collect necessities for survival. For Allen, first aid kits for every time he hurt himself. For Cross, alcohol for when he couldn't stand his life without it. Oh, and they had picked up some clothes and such, but the first aid kits were the most important to Allen. They hadn't bothered using the Ark, because the island wasn't too far from civilization and Allen didn't know how well opening a portal in the middle of a town would work. He didn't know where they would be going this time around; he just knew that Cross wanted him to use the ark.

"_Judgment!_" Crown Clown called out for her boyfriend. Cross began to move backwards as he tried to keep his eyes on the water, but was forced to turn around to go back into their shelter. Cross allowed his gun to be drawn from its holster to talk to Allen's hand.

"_This is about_ that_, isn't it," _Judgment sighed.

Crown Clown huffed out of exasperation.

"_Well, before I give birth to our child, I think we should get married first," _she stated her opinion while the two of the Innocence accommodators fell eerily silent at the idea of the two marrying.

"NO!" Allen shouted. The thought of walking down the isle to his master in some grand church frightened him. Though maybe, knowing Judgment, going through a driveway in Las Vegas. "No, you can't do that!"

"_It's just going to be me and Judgment," _Crown Clown reassured Allen. "_You won't be the one in the wedding dress. Though if you don't agree we might just force you into one."_

"_All you have to do is walk her down the aisle," _Judgment told the white-haired boy. "_We promise we won't make you do anything else."_

Allen frowned but nodded reluctantly. "I guess," he agreed slowly. He looked up to his master whose face was already set into a scowl.

"No way in hell," he told his Innocence. "I would rather have my skin peeled off than go back to the Order. NO! NO, no no no," he protested rather petulantly while he stomped his foot to further prove his annoyance. "There's no way you're going to get me to go in a church, either! I won't dress up and I won't comb my hair so FUCK YOU INNOCENCE I HATE YOU BURN IN A FIRE, I'LL KILL YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO DAMN IT-!"

Allen opened the Ark and pushed his master through the gate.

._.

So Allen may or not have been wrong about having to wear a white wedding dress.

…

Yeah…

…

SHUT UP.

So, now Allen was trying to hide while everyone in the Order searched for him. Upon returning, both he and Cross had been bombarded by staff and restrained to prevent escape. Komui had appeared on the scene quickly and had freed them after they explained themselves. The story he and Cross had agreed on earlier was that their Innocence had kidnapped them after they had been forced to leave the Order. Judgment and Crown Clown wanted a child so they had run to safety so the child could grow. Now that the child was a small bump on Allen's hand and close to the day of delivery, Crown Clown wanted to marry Judgment so they had returned. They hadn't run away as the Order accused, and they hadn't contacted because they had been stranded on an island.

Luckily the Order had bought their lies without hesitation. All Allen had had to do was sign a couple papers. He was sent to the Medical Ward for inspection and then after a quick trip to Hevlaska confirmed that there was indeed a child inside of his hand. While all of that occurred, the marriage between the two Innocence was quickly approved. The Great Generals seemed to be looking forward to the joining, actually. The ceremony would be private and only a few would witness it, the few known being Bookman, Chief Komui, a few of the Science Division, definitely the Generals, and maybe even the Pope himself. Allen hadn't been looking forward to it. That was when, after a week of preparation, he had run away.

During the time between returning and the date of matrimony, Allen had spent that time being harassed and attacked from all sides by his friends. Lavi had been one of the first to question him, Lenalee tackled him and forced Allen to promise her not to leave again, Kanda had che'd, Link gave him more papers, and everyone else talked constantly about the upcoming marriage. It was Jerry and Johnny who had begun the contest to see who could craft the better wedding dress and get Allen to wear it. Among the competitors in teams of two were Johnny and Jerry, Lenalee and her brother, Miranda and Noise Marie, surprisingly Froi Tiedoll by himself (Kanda had warned him about that), and various others who remained wished to remain anonymous. Thinking they weren't actually serious, Allen had allowed the contestants to measure him and ask for his preferences. If only it had been a joke. If it was, Lavi was busy laughing at it while Allen dodged dresses with frills and laces.

Even in his own room, people sneaking inside to try and get him to try on their creations while Link did nothing about the security breach bothered Allen to no end. Crown Clown didn't refuse as people played Barbie doll with her accommodator, rather she seemed to enjoy the attention. She was at least happy others were excited for her marriage, but Allen wanted nothing more than to run away. He took back about agreeing to the wedding. He had to escape from this place before the wedding took place. He didn't care how his Innocence felt; she was just mean and inconsiderate to him! He didn't want to wear a dress- she had promised him that all he would have to do was walk her down the aisle. Perhaps she didn't mean it; he doubted Innocence knew about the dressing code or any of those customs.

Still, the dreaded day finally arrived and he had run away. Why? Allen had snapped at breakfast when he was approached with white poofy horrors with intricate designs and the such. Just before that he had eating a nice meal while he caught up with his normal friends. Well, as normal as they went around here. Kanda hadn't been contributing much to the conversations, what with his 'che's. Lavi did all the talking while Allen was busy scarfing down his food. Then, the people he had once respected ambushed him at his table and tried to force him into the nearest dressing room. He had begged his tablemates and fellow Exorcists for help, but Kanda turned his back to Allen's plight and Lavi went traitor and_ helped_ the contestants. Some friends they are, he had thought as he was dragged into some room.

He didn't quite remember what happened after that for a while. He must have been knocked out, because he had woken up with a throbbing pain in his head. Crown Clown was chatting with Dark Boots and Big Hammer Little Hammer while the accommodators were finishing dressing Allen. The boy had rushed to a mirror to see what they had done to him and screamed so loud that glass shattered. He had been dressed in a cream-colored strapless wedding dress horror with a zip up on the back accompanied by lace. Allen had looked down to see ruffles from his waist down to the cathedral train and almost fainted when he saw that his friends had been dressing up his hand. Before he could be pinned down for further torture, Allen had hightailed it out of there.

Allen had darted down hallways as he heard the voices of the contestants behind him. Knowing he wouldn't be able to run much longer, Allen had jumped into a storage room and locked himself inside before anyone could see him. He watched his pursuers pass by the room and had sighed in relief. Planning on camping out in the closet, Allen had opened up a barrel (conveniently) empty and had proceeded to stuff himself inside. It wasn't so comfortable be cramped in a wooden container, so Allen had poked a couple holes so he could breathe more comfortably. The dress cushioned him from the harsh wood and for that he was somewhat grateful, but he still despised it.

He hoped that when it came time for the wedding between Crown Clown and Judgment that he wouldn't be forced to wear this monstrosity in front of a bunch of strangers (plus his master- that would be torture). After all- it wasn't him that was getting married. Why should he have to wear a woman's clothing? Allen wanted to tear the dress apart into ribbons, but his friends had worked hard on this. Allen didn't want to see them disappointed, so he decided to keep the dress on until he found normal clothes. Finding normal clothes meant leaving this room and risking being found though, so Allen wasn't sure what to do next. He was considering using the Ark to get to his room… but he had a feeling his friends expected him to go there.

Thus, Allen spent the majority of the day hiding in a barrel.

._.

Cross Marian was pissed.

Not that he wasn't always pissed; he was just feeling more pissed off than he usually did. Why? To start off his mental rant, his vacation had ended early because his weapon wanted to get married to his apprentice's hand. Cross hadn't wanted to return to the Order, but Crown Clown just had to get married in such a proper fashion. He and Judgment would have easily settled for a "Las Vegas Drive Thru Wedding," but _noooo_. Crown Clown wanted to have things go her way. Upon returning he had been screamed at and forced to sign stacks of papers. Then one of idiot Allen's idiot friends had come up with the brilliant idea to get them dressed for the upcoming marriage between their Innocence. Eventually the dreaded day arrived and Cross had been forced into a tuxedo after waiting a whole entire week cooped up in his room.

And now Allen was nowhere to be seen. According to those who had last seen him, Allen had snapped while resisting being dressed up like a woman. Cross was able to understand that part- he would hate to be put in a lady's clothing. So he laughed at the thought of his idiot apprentice in a big white dress, but then stopped when he remembered Allen's figure was actually rather feminine. Had his friends mistaken him for a girl? Cross certainly had when he first met the kid. He also had to remember that Crown Clown was a girl herself, and that sometimes the Innocence reflected the accommodator (or vice-versa in Allen's case). Allen really was one unlucky kid. He was going to be even more unfortunate if he didn't resurface from wherever he was hiding, though, because Cross was angry and he wanted to get this over with.

Judgment led him to a door hidden in a long hallway with dim lighting. The lights above flickered and Cross glanced through the small window that allowed others to peek inside. The room was dark and seemed to be used for storage. The room was also small and cramped with boxes and barrels, shelves on the walls overflowing with dust and books.

"Are you sure he's hiding in here?" Cross gave his weapon a skeptical look as he twisted the doorknob. The door creaked open and dust came flying out, so he covered his mouth with the sleeve of his uniform to prevent breathing it in. He inspected the room closer, opening boxes open as if he would find the idiot hiding in them. There was nothing but books and forgotten projects from the Science Division. Cross was really starting to doubt Judgment now. They had visited several other rooms (all on the same floor) but no matter where they searched they wouldn't find Allen. They were running out of time, too, because they needed to be at the chapel by five.

"_I swear she is _definitely_ here this time," _Judgment promised. _"Just keep making noise or something. I think her accommodator is asleep."_

"That sounds like Allen," Cross agreed as he flipped open yet another box. More books- fantastic. He dumped them on the floor and kicked them around to see if Allen would respond to that. Nothing. Cross ripped the tape off of a sealed box and found unstable-looking potions. He grabbed a bottle and threw it at the wall in hopes of the shattering waking his apprentice. Again, nothing. Boy, his apprentice sure was a heavy sleeper if he could sleep through that. _Or_ he was just not easily startled and determined to not be found.

Many boxes and barrels later, Cross was about ready to move on to the next room. He only had fifteen minutes left before they were due and he wasn't going to be late. Cross took his frustration out on a barrel that had been knocked over in his earlier rage. His foot broke in the wood and white fabric slowly spilled out. Curious, Cross cracked the barrel open and peeked inside.

"Allen," he growled.

No wonder he hadn't answered; Allen really was asleep. The kid was curled up in the barrel and true to his friends' words, dressed in a white feminine horror. Cross's lips twitched and before he knew it small chuckles turned to full blown out roaring laughter. He couldn't help it- Allen's pride was ruined _forever._ He was going to have to take a picture of this for blackmail. Unfortunately his laughing woke up his apprentice, who blinked at him tiredly as he slowly became aware of his surroundings. Cross stifled his laughs and shut the lid over the barrel to stop Allen from getting away, not wanting another goose-chase to start. He ran with the barrel in his arms while he tried to remember where the chapel was.

Several times he nearly dropped the barrel containing Allen as he tried to hold back the laughter building up inside of him. Allen was shouting at him and Black Order staff started to stare, but Cross ignored his protests as their time slowly ran out. He only had a few minutes left.

When he found the doors to chapel he kicked them open and walked down the aisle to the altar. He ignored the shocked looks from the chapel's occupants and emptied the barrel so that Allen came tumbling out. The priest assigned to them stared at the scene before him but clearly was curious about the broken down barrel tossed to the side.

"Crown Clown's accommodator resisted," he explained himself. He awkwardly straightened the tie to his suit while a disoriented Allen slowly stood up. Before Allen could run away, several of the Generals got up to hold him down while the wedding began. Komui could be heard suggesting one of his Komurin while Judgment proclaimed he would kill it if it went anywhere near by Crown Clown. Cross stood there while the priest continued on with his talking. Allen was restrained by both Klaud Nine and Froi Tiedoll while Winters Socalo came up with a chair and rope to keep him still. Meanwhile Lavi laughed (Allen had forgotten he would be attending) and Bookman told him to be quiet.

The rest of the wedding went fairly smoothly. Timcanpy arrived to exchange the rings and remained on the altar with everyone else. The golem sat on Allen's head and hit the suffering teen with his tail as if mocking him. A couple times Allen's friends tried to peek their heads in but Judgment would shoot at them. Yup. Normal wedding. Until the very end. The priest was finishing up the ceremony and Allen was crying to himself silently (definitely not tears of joy) when Judgment and Crown Clown were announced husband and wife. Their hands did that weird glowing thing and Klaud was heard questioning how any of this was even happening. Cross rolled his eyes. The chapel became too quiet and they realized Allen's crying had stopped. They were all alerted by that, since crying was like Allen's favorite pastime. It was strange for him to _not _be crying.

Water began to spill from the small cross on his hand instead of his eyes and Allen's skin paled considerably. Cross leaned over to see what was happening, and that was when Allen spoke.

"Crown Clown is going into labor."

._.

Incase You Missed It

Hiding Attempt: Hiding in a barrel

Foiled By: Cross's foot

So yeah, sorry about the cross dressing if that annoys anyone. I don't know if anyone caught the barrel reference, but it's there. There won't be any updates on Monday because I have something to do, but I'll probably have the last installment of this arc done by then. As soon as this arc is over I want to throw in one last "amusement theme" and then I'll move onto another theme. If you can guess what the next theme is, you can have any attempt you want written up and dedicated to you :)


	10. Chapter 10

Innocence Arc FINAL

Alright, so here we are. After this chapter we'll be getting right back on track :) Thanks for going along with whatever madness this is for so long.

._.

"_Come on C.C, push_," Judgment coaxed his wife as she screamed. The child Innocence inside of Allen's hand was about to pop out and Allen was feeling the pain too. Right after the two Innocence had been pronounced husband and wife, Crown Clown's water had broken. Allen had been untied from his chair then rushed to the emergency room with both his master and the Bookmen present during the birth of Innocence. Allen felt like his hand was about to break as the Innocence child struggled to leave his hand. It hurt and burned and he didn't like it one bit. He hoped this would be worth it once this was over.

Cross allowed his gun to stay close to Allen's hand despite the nurses telling him not to bring such a weapon into the room. Lavi and Bookman observed from the side while Crown Clown continued to scream and glow from the mark on Allen's hand. Allen had to be held down as he squirmed at the disgusting feeling of something crawling out of his body. After much screaming and crying, eventually a little being popped out of him and Crown Clown. Allen gasped for air and nearly laughed in relief now that the ordeal was over, but now felt like he was about to pass out. He kept his eyes open and saw the nurses holding a small cloth for both him and Crown Clown to see.

It was a pair of earrings. Allen blinked through blurry eyes and took in the sleek dark blue drop earrings capped with silver at the top. He recognized the stone as lapis lazuli when he saw the golden flecks sparkle under the infirmary lights and could feel Crown Clown smiling at her child. Allen didn't know how to feel about this, but all he could think of was how ridiculous this all was. How did a gun and a hand result in a set of earrings? Allen sat up but was quickly pushed back down by staff. Crown Clown reached out for he child and Judgment was telling her how much the child looked like them.

"I-Is this really Innocence?" Allen sweat dropped. He could hear Lavi snickering at him from across the room.

"… We'll take it to Hevlaska and find out," Komui informed Allen. He turned to Bookman and motioned for him to follow as the 'child' was taken away. Allen could sense Judgment hesitating to stay, but he could tell the gun wanted make sure things were alright with his wife first. While the Chief left the room with Bookman, Lavi went to Allen's side and whistled.

"So how does it feel to give birth?" he joked.

Allen glared.

"Never. Again," he answered.

"_Oh I don't know_," Crown Clown said happily as she snuggled with her husband. "_I might want a couple hundred more. What do you think, honey?_" Allen's jaw nearly fell when he heard the new nickname but didn't say anything. Cross sat down on the edge of Allen's hospital bed as he pulled out his box of cigarettes. He let Judgment lay against Allen's hand while Lavi playfully hit Allen on the head. Timcanpy flew over to him and joined Lavi in tormenting a worn out beansprout. Judgment thought for a while before responding.

"_I want there to be as many boys as there are girls," _Judgment answered.

"_Hey, hey, your daughter is very cute_," Big Hammer Little Hammer jumped into the conversation with the same energy and personality as its accommodator. Lavi didn't seem to care too much that his weapon was suddenly talking. He didn't dismiss it as nothing, but he acted as if this was normal for him. "_Think I can date her_?"

Judgment growled and Crown Clown giggled.

"_Popular with the guys already," _Crown Clown smiled with a small glow from the mark engraved in Allen's hand. "_We might have to beat away the boys with a stick_."

"_Or we could just shoot them_," Judgment suggested threateningly. Big Hammer Little Hammer seemed to cower in fear at this.

"_Hey, hey, there's no need to do that now…"_

"_You're overreacting, honey."_

"_She's too small for him!"_

"_Hey, I can shrink."_

"_THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" Judgment roared._

Soon enough Komui reentered the room to share the results with the two Innocence parents. He seemed to be back into his cheerful self, because he practically skipped over with glee with the pair of earrings in his hands. He set the child close to the gun and hand while Allen looked up from the exchanges between the Innocence.

"Yup, that's Innocence alright," he informed the group. "100% Innocence and nothing else!" The goofy grin subsided and the Chief settled down to continue with the results in an appropriate manner. "As for what it can do, we don't know that yet. We have to wait for the accommodator to appear and we're not sure how long it will take for us to-"

"_They're right there_," Crown Clown interrupted with a chirp. She was awfully energetic for a woman who had just given birth. "_The two of them, Allen-kun and Cross-san. That's why it's one Innocence split in two. Don't you silly people know how these things work? Just ask Hevlaska._"

Allen sat up despite Komui telling him not to and struggled with the wedding dress still on. He got out of bed and nearly fell to the floor had Lavi not supported him. Cross continued to smoke as if he had forgotten where he was and that there were still others in the room. Tim hit Allen's face with his tail as he berated Allen for moving so quickly, but Allen didn't care. He was going to run away because he did not want to share an Innocence with his master. No way. What were they going to do, each wear one earring? No. That was weird and Allen refused.

Allen wobbled over to the door and fell over when Cross chucked his weapon at him. He hit the floor with a thump and Lavi chased after to help him back up onto his feet. The Bookman junior dragged Allen back over to the bed and threw him back on for further information. Allen scowled but didn't try to run for now. The moment he was able to move properly, he was running away.

"_Go on, Allen-kun," _Crown Clown insisted. "_You too, Cross-san."_

Reluctantly, Cross put on his. Allen had to be held down while the occupants of the room stabbed his ear. After much bleeding and screaming, the earring was finally in and Allen had just wasted energy he could have used to escape. The Innocence child was giggling and cooing into his ear, causing Allen to blush and look away from everyone. The child whispered its thoughts into his mind about how happy it was to have been born. The Innocence was so… well, innocent that it astounded him.

Thinking about having a new weapon and sharing it with Cross (of all people) sort of unnerved him though. Then when he thought of the upcoming training, Allen was horrified and escaped the room before anyone could realize he was moving. He bolted down hallways in his white dress, dodging scientists and Finders and Exorcists. He was aware that he was being chased after, but he continued to run regardless.

Crown Clown didn't mind being separated from her husband and neither did the child, rather they were amused by Allen's desperation to escape. Allen slid into a darkened hallway as he heard Lavi calling after him. He opened a door to see if it was available for him, but closed it when he saw the room was packed with barrels. One could not simply trust barrels. Allen slammed the door shut and continued down the narrow hall. He dove behind a stack of boxes just as his friend passed by and waited in case he came back. He didn't Allen relaxed and closed his eyes momentarily.

When his eyes opened he found two figures crouched in front of him. He stifled a scream as he scooted backwards into the boxes. The stack trembled and the top boxes began to fall when Allen was pulled away just before the crates made contact with his face. He was about to thank his saviors when he saw that his "saviors" were the Exorcists known as Lenalee Lee and Kanda Yuu. He was confused as to what they were doing here with him when he started to hear voices.

"_I'm telling you, Dark Boots, I've already called dibs on her_. So back off," Mugen told Lenalee's Innocence. Kanda scowled at his sword (and Allen) while said sword fought with the Chinese woman's boots. Thankfully neither of them commented on his current attire. Lenalee didn't seem to mind since she had had a hand in dressing Allen, whereas Kanda held a questioning look in his eyes.

"_And I'm telling _you_ that _I_ found her first! I'll be the one to marry her,"_ the deep masculine voice of Dark Boots snapped back. Lenalee smiled sheepishly and waved to the British boy. He hadn't been informed that Dark Boots was male or that something of Kanda's was capable of being interested in anything to do with Allen.

Crown Clown on the other hand was pleased by the attention her child was receiving.

"_Oh dear, I haven't even named her yet," _she glowed from Allen's hand.

Kanda che'd.

Lenalee continued to smile.

The child gurgled.

A hand grabbed Allen by the scruff of his neck and dragged him up to stand. Allen turned to see his master holding him at arm's length while smoking. Timcanpy flew around them in circles while grinning menacingly at the white-haired boy in the dress. Crown Clown glowed and Judgment responded by twitching in Cross's holster.

"_Let's run away and have another child_," Crown Clown told her husband.

"_Have we decided on a name?" _Judgment asked.

"_Mmhm. I want to name her…"_ she whispered.

Judgment twitched again.

"_I see. That's a good name_."

Allen sighed and opened a portal. He bid his friends goodbye as his master threw him inside and entered after him. It was going to be another long six months for him.

._.

Incase You Missed It

FINALLY! I'M DONE! Back to the normal chapters :D There _will _be more arcs in the future, but not too many.

Hiding/Escaping Attempt: Running and hiding behind boxes

Foiled by: Dark Boots and Mugen


	11. Chapter 11

101 Attempts: Allen Goes For A Walk

Update: I changed my name to Orange Moon Goddess, so now whenever I abbreviate my name it will be "OMG" :)

Alright, so I lied. There are two more amusement themed chapters, but I want to post this non-related one first because I'm sick of writing that crap T_T Just two more chapters, then we move on.

._.

Allen loved to travel. When he wasn't being harassed by his master to pay his debts, or when he wasn't training, Allen used his free time to go on trips. He would go alone and sometimes bring back souvenirs for Timcanpy, his master's golem. Today was different however, because Allen was taking a trip to get away from his master, the man known as Cross Marian. Lately that man had been drinking more than usual and racking up more debt. Quite frankly, Allen was sick of it. In response, Allen packed his belongings and embarked on a long journey in the pursuit of peace.

_He traveled to Egypt and saw the pyramids._

_He watched a sunset in Brazil._

_He woke up one morning in Japan._

_He sat down at a nice cafe in France and ate his fill._

_He tanned on a nude beach and didn't give a damn._

_He flirted with cute girls in Italy..._

_... But one of them turned out to be a man,_

_Who wore a dress that was rather frilly._

_So Allen left Italy,_

_And went to Sweden..._

_Only to be chased by men,_

_who thought he was of the opposite sex._

_Allen fled to Germany,_

_But he did not know the language._

_Then along came Timcanpy._

_Allen tried to buy a train ticket to Carthage..._

_... But was caught by his master,_

_And dragged back to hell._

_Allen wasn't going down without a fight though._

_He broke free and ran,_

_Then he ran faster._

_His master was a worthy foe,_

_Because he discovered Allen's weakness,_

_And slapped the tan_

_From the nude beach_

_Which was actually a sun burn._

_Allen let out a screech,_

_Then Timcanpy took his turn._

_The golem hit him on head,_

_And Allen's lights went dim._

_When he came to, his face bled._

_For Timcanpy had bitten him._

_Debts were stacked on the bedside,_

_And Allen wished to hide_

_when he saw his master's angry face._

_He asked for some space,_

_But Cross,_

_as always,_

_did not listen to him._

_Allen was yelled at for leaving,_

_But he covered his ears_

_And ignored his master._

Thus, his stroll around the world had ended. It was a shame he didn't have a camera, because Cross's expression when shouting at him had been priceless. He could have made a lot of money off of that photo, and in fact he probably would have never had to worry about debts ever again. Allen sighed as he went over the bills his master (who was still screaming at him in the background like a woman) had built up in his absence. Then he face-palmed. He really should have brought a camera.

._.

A/N: That sure was one weird poem.

Attempt: Traveling.

Ruined by: They found him.

Anyways, that's my update that was meant for tomorrow. I'm posting early because I have something to do :O The other two chapters are ready so I don't have to worry about that. Please review- I promise I'll get back to you soon :)

Meanwhile… I can't tell if I'm hungry or full right now. My stomach is making this weird grumbling noise. I think I'm hungry?...


	12. Chapter 12

101 Attempts 8

Title #1: I Like Trains

Title #2: Cross likes dead people *is shot*

Title #3: Even If You're Kidnapped By The Noahs, He Will Still Find You To Make Your Life A Living Hell

Okay, so in this chapter we introduce the Noahs and Allen gets harassed big time. Many lines are ignored and Allen is naïve, but he's still cute. I know Allen cries a lot, but that changes in the chapter when he's older and knows better. Thanks to everyone reviewed- I know I said I probably wouldn't update today, but I'm stuck at home because I got sick ;_; There's really nothing else to do right now, and that's saying something for me.

Warning: Mama Cross up ahead.

-…-

Ever since Allen had run into the two Exorcists at the amusement park, after a conversation between Cross and the old man they had tagged along in their journey. Currently Allen was stuck on a tour train with the chatterbox of the redheaded young man names Lavi. Cross and Bookman- as he had later introduced himself- were off somewhere else while Allen was being forcibly babysat by his elder. The moment they stepped off of the Ferris Wheel, Lavi had dragged him to the fastest and most vomit-inducing ride and proceeded to strap Allen in despite the boy's protests. Allen had never thrown up so much in his life until then, and that _guy_ had had the gall to laugh at him! Allen wanted nothing more than to show the Bookman Junior a piece of his mind, but every attempt was thwarted with Lavi laughing at him and calling him a "beansprout." Allen didn't like that nickname. Or Lavi. Or his master, or Tim. He was okay with Bookman, because he would hit Lavi on the head and stop him from harassing Allen too much.

The only problem Allen had with the Bookman was that he called him "The Destroyer of Time." Seriously, what was up with people giving him nicknames? Maybe this was part of why Allen had spent what little he remembered of his childhood avoiding any and all human contact.

As the train completed another cycle around the park and Lavi pulled him back down for another round. Allen was convinced he had spent his time in isolation because people were weird.

"Why are we doing this?" Allen sulked beside the redhead who sat too close for comfort. He felt like a teddy bear as Lavi put his arm around his shoulders and _squeezed_. He wondered once again if this guy was related to his master. They had the same hair, neither of them had a right eye, both were accommodators (also perverts, he discovered as Lavi stared at pretty ladies with lovey-dovey eyes), and hell-bent on making the white-haired boy's life a living nightmare. The only differences were that Lavi acted friendlier and his eye was green. Otherwise, he was an exact replica of Cross Marian. Allen dreaded the coming days as the Bookmen would be traveling with them for reasons unknown to Allen.

The redhead crossed his legs and leaned back, ignoring Allen's exasperation in favor of humming an annoying tune. Silver eyes twitched and he clenched his fists, the urge to punch the idiot beside him increasing. In fact, he could try and activate his Innocence to see how Lavi liked being hit in the face with a metal claw-like arm.

"Let go of me," Allen ordered as he twisted out of the elder's grip, creating a distance between them as he scooted to the edge of the bench.

Lavi mock-pouted.

"Aww, but I like having my arm around a cute girl," he told Allen with a teasing grin.

In response, Allen stood and stepped over the bench to sit on the one in front of them. He was furious. He couldn't _believe_ this idiot thought he was a girl! There was no part of him that made him look like a girl, other than his soft features, long lashes, full lips, hair, soft hands, normally sized feet and his heart-shaped face. Then Allen's anger subsided when he guessed that _did _make him look like a girl. His anger returned anyways when Lavi moved to sit beside him once again, even though they were meant to stay seated during the tour ride.

"I'm a BOY, you weirdo!" Allen snapped. He didn't want the Vatican coming after him for this or something.

"Ah, is that so? Then call me 'big-brother Lavi.' Can you say onii-sama? * Or how about nii-nii**?" Lavi grinned carelessly and nudged Allen with his elbow.

That was where he drew the line.

The eighth line, to be exact.

The other lines had been ignored.

Allen jumped off of the train and rolled to safety, getting up on his feet to make a mad dash for it. It took a full ten seconds for Lavi to realize his victim had just escaped. He held his hand out after Allen as the train slowly inched along, and scrambled after him. Despite having just been completely rejected, Lavi pursued him as he was still Allen's babysitter.

Allen raced past several trees to return to the main park, merging with the thick crowd. It was an advantage, being short, he thought as he looked back to see Lavi in full panic. Allen snickered and moved further away. Comfortable with the distance apart, Allen slowed his pace to a walk. He remained in the crowd, waiting for the clueless redhead to give up. He bet the guy would stop searching the moment he saw a pretty lady.

About twelve pretty ladies later, Allen realized Lavi was serious about finding him. Allen turned and bumped into a tall stranger, apologizing quickly as he thought of places to hide until leaving time. The stranger grabbed him by the shoulder and stopped Allen in his tracks.

"Hey kid, where are your parents?" the stranger with dark sunglasses and questionable clothing choice asked. He had dark curly hair and a light tan. He was handsome and seemed friendly enough to trust.

"I'm running away," Allen answered honestly.

"Would you like some candy?"

Candy? Allen smiled and nodded. So there were nice people out there after all! He followed his new adult friend and followed him away from the park, grabbing his hand and chattering away about some nonsense. They got to the gate and passed through, security oblivious to the kidnapper and somewhat abducted child as they made their way to a large, white, and broken-down looking van in the parking lot. Allen got into the back of the van as the stranger requested and patiently waited for the candy.

The van started up and began to drive away. Allen sat on the floor, the bumping and shaking irritating him. He knew this would be worth it, though. He loved candy- especially when it was free. So he sat patiently and quietly as the driver in front turned on some music as he made a call to the "candy store" (as he had informed Allen with extra emphasis) to "prepare the candy." Allen watched the man run several red lights but didn't say anything since he didn't understand the laws of the road, which Cross had frequently broken during their stay in America. Allen only knew that the consequences for breaking those laws resulted in a fine, which were nothing compared to his master's debts. He hoped his new friend wouldn't make him pay for any tickets he got if he was caught.

Eventually the van came to a stop. The backdoor opened and a girl with spiked blue hair grabbed little Allen who put up zero protest, still believing they were going to treat him to candy.

"Is this really Cross Marian's apprentice, Tyki?" the girl grumbled as she pulled Allen into an old shack isolated from the world. Allen frowned. He was beginning to suspect there wasn't any candy at all.

"He fits the description," Tyki answered as his skin faded to a grayish tone, a line of crosses appearing across his forehead. He removed his sunglasses and his eyes flickered to amber. Allen hid behind the girl, thinking his friend was a vampire. "I didn't see any other girly little kids with white hair and scars down their left side of the face."

"Fine," the girl sighed. She brought Allen to sit down on a chair in the middle of the room, grabbing rope that randomly laid on the floor and tied Allen to the chair. Allen still didn't get it that he was being held hostage.

"Where's the candy?" he asked innocently while he swung his legs back and forth.

The two strangers gave him a dude-you're-so-retarded look. The man sighed and crouched down in front of Allen, who was becoming impatient.

"If you tell us what you can about your master, we can get you candy. Right, Road?" Tyki glanced back at the girl who awkwardly messed with the frills of her dress.

Road nodded.

"Okay. Well you see, my master is very mean," Allen began with a small pout. "He drinks too much alcohol and he's very annoying. He calls me 'idiot apprentice' and 'glutton' and sometimes he mistakes me for a little girl, so I hate him," Allen declared. "He gambles and his debts are enormous, so I don't know what to do with him because he makes me pay off all of his debts. My master likes women and he does something with them called an 'intense embrace' so kicks me out of the room. They must hug for a long time, because the lady doesn't leave until morning."

He paused to let the information soak in. Tyki appeared to be dumbfounded by Allen's honesty, because his eyes widened comically while both he and girl behind him coughed. Their cheeks flushed and Allen wondered if they were all right.

"Erhm, go on," Tyki assured Allen nervously.

Allen tilted his head but didn't comment on the strangers' behavior.

"My master puts me through training that usually makes me cry. He has a weapon called Innocence and it's a gun that he uses to shoot at me. He has another one- a giant grave, but the lady inside is very quiet. I think she's quiet because Cross cares for her so he probably gives her hugs but she must not like hugs. Her name is Maria I think. Then there's Timcanpy, my master's golem."

"Timcanpy? Wasn't that Neah's golem?" Road muttered, ignoring the bit about the second Innocence which was much more interesting than that golem from hell.

Allen continued. "Tim is as mean as my master. I try to run from him but he always finds me. Tim bites me and he tells me that he'll rape me in my sleep, and I don't like that. He also steals my food from me and I hate that the most about him!" Allen huffed in annoyance. "I always try to run away from my master and his crazy golem but everything I've tried so far hasn't worked. I think they put a tracking device in me when they first found me."

The two were silent and moved away to talk quietly to each other. Allen waited until Tyki returned.

"What's your name, boy?" the 'vampire' questioned.

"Allen."

"Alright, Allen. You see, the thing is... We don't actually have any candy."

"..."

Road knelt down beside a frozen Allen and waved her hand in front of the child. She winced and looked to her fellow Noah, not certain of what to do now that they had broken the news to their captive.

But Allen didn't care.

_There was no candy_.

So he screamed.

-…-

"This is your fault," the Bookman accused his apprentice who clutched onto his bleeding head.

The three of them- plus Timcanpy- staked out behind a bush across the street from the shack where Allen was being interrogated. There wasn't enough room so Cross kicked the other kid away. He scowled at the building, cursing the Noahs that had dared to mess with his property. They must have ambushed Allen and drugged him to get him to go with them- as the pupil of THE great Cross Marian, Allen wouldn't easily fall for any tricks and he definitely wouldn't go down without a fight. Those Noahs were probably torturing him for information right now, Cross thought as he reached for the gun strapped to his holster. Thinking of what could possibly be happening to his pathetic property set him on edge.

"I'm going to beat those dirty bastards to a pulp," Cross seethed while Timcanpy nodded in agreement, flinging his tail around as if practicing for the oncoming battle. "No one touches my stuff."

"Is it really alright to treat the beansprout like an object?" Lavi chuckled nervously.

"You'll understand it when you're older," Bookman informed the brat. "Masters generally are naturally very protective of their victim- I mean propert- I mean _**pupils.**_ Like a wolf and her cubs."

"Like a woman then?" Lavi suggested as they watched flames emanate from the general. The crouching man in the bush started to laugh evilly while his golem floated around him in circles, making a similar noise but more sinister.

"Hell hath no wrath like a woman scorned," Bookman said with a nod.

That was when a scream pierced their ears. Cross immediately stood and cocked his gun.

"I'm going in," he shouted back at them. "Make sure to back me up."

Like an idiot, Cross charged in to start a brawl, kicking down the door as his mouth hurled insults at the "dirty bastards," ordering them to give his bitch back. He saw Allen crying in the middle of the room and he was furious_. He _was the only one who could make that bitch cry. He pointed his gun at the transformed Noah for answers.

"What have you done to him?" he demanded, not bothering to hear the Noah's side of the story.

"We-" was all he got to say before Cross emptied his magazine into the bastard. The Noah doubled over in pain while Cross reloaded. The other Noah rushed over to her comrade and Cross used that distraction to shoot at her as well.

"Jesus Christ, let us explain, _will you?"_ the man wheezed as he coughed up blood.

"Nope."

And he shot at them again. Deciding it wouldn't be wise to stick around, the Noahs retreated and Cross spit at where they had once stood. He turned his attention to his apprentice who looked up at him with those disgustingly cute eyes of his. Cross pulled a face. Tim chewed away the rope restraining Allen to the chair. Annoyed with the kid's crying, Cross picked up his brat and rocked him back and forth. He wasn't sure if this was how parents got children to shut up, but he had seen this before in a movie and it had worked.

Soon enough, Allen fell silent but he was shaking. He curled into fetal position as he paled, biting down on his lip to prevent screaming. Cross scowled but didn't comment. Didn't the kid know he was safe? Jeez. Allen was so high maintenance. Cross didn't even consider that _he_ was the reason why Allen was afraid, thinking that the kid should be grateful to him for saving his sorry ass.

He exited the old shack with a traumatized Allen cradled in his arms. If he ever saw those Noahs again, he wouldn't hesitate to kill them. No one touches Cross Marian's property. NO ONE. Not even pretty ladies. So he glared at his look-alike the moment he stepped outside. He would have to get back at that guy for getting too close to his apprentice on the train, even if it had been a joke. Besides, it was all that guy's fault his glutton had been hurt in the first place!

"This is your fault," Cross glared.

Bookman hit Lavi on the head again.

-…-

* The reason Lavi wants Allen to say the respected form of "elder brother" is because this honorific is rarely used. It's usually the hookers that say "onii-sama." See? I do my research (though I don't know if anyone caught the reference… ) :] I r so smart :B

** Another word for brother, used by Satoko Houjo in Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni. Only this one is more of a nickname.

Allen… XD Oh my god. He has the Noahs thinking Mama Cross is a necrophiliac. I wonder what they'll tell the Earl. On the other hand, I feel sorry about being so mean to Allen. I'm not sure if you can count this chapter as "hiding" but he did try to run away (then got kidnapped) from Cross and Lavi so I guess it works.


	13. Chapter 13

101 Attempts 7- Lazy River

Title: Is It Just Me Or Are These Chapters Getting Shorter? Hell. The Title Is Longer Than The Actual Writing.

I'll update later on today if I get 90 + reviews :)

I'll triple post if I get up to 100.

100th reviewer gets to chose a chapter and have it dedicated to them :D

-…-

As a child, Allen Walker was pale. Whether this was natural or due to the fact he had lived in a rainy environment during his innocent childhood, he would never know. When he had become Cross Marian's apprentice, that had changed when they left London to travel. His unhealthily pale skin slowly gained color, though he was still extremely pale. Even when they went to Egypt and India and hot, sunny environments, not much changed. It was like a curse.

Until Allen discovered tanning. While staying at a hotel in America, he had been called out to bring his master "sunblock." He had found his master outside at the pool, lying down on a fold-up chair and soaking in the sun's rays. His master's skin had turned a shade darker and Allen had thought it to be magic, but then when he asked Cross had explained and Allen had left, thinking the matter over.

The next day a twelve-year-old Allen had borrowed a tube and headed out to the Lazy River, quickly making friends on the continuous water-looping pool. He had applied the "sunblock" to prevent burn. He started up a conversation with his new friends, laughing and splashing water back and forth. Unfortunately, he had forgotten Cross was still treating him like a man-servant.

Two hours later into the afternoon Allen was beginning to develop a base tan. It was hot out and he kept needing to reapply sunblock as he constantly sweated it off in the heat, but he didn't care. He was looking healthier now- his pale skin always revealed the dark shadows underneath his eyes and made him look sick all of the time, but now he looked like a normal person! Well, as normal as a boy with white hair and a red scar and deformed left arm could get. Allen was so excited that he didn't notice the red that formed over the small tan. He was so excited that he didn't notice his master walking up to the edge of the pool, waiting for him with folded arms and his angry face.

A hand grabbed his hair and pulled him up as he squirmed, ready to scream kidnapper. He was dropped onto the burning ground and he yelped, skin suddenly fire. He looked up to the culprit and glared, but retreated when he saw his master's scowl.

"So this is where you've been for the past hours," Cross growled and Allen backed further away while his master closed in on him. "Did you forget? Your master's needs come first before your own! Now go to the store and get me my alcohol, idiot apprentice."

Allen stood and tried to run, but was caught once again. The moment his master's hand touched his shoulder, it stung and Allen flinched in pain.

"Hoh, does somebody have sunburn?" Cross mocked and Allen could imagine the demonic grin on his face as he conjured up an evil plan. "Forget the alcohol, then. I have a better idea. Don't worry, I think you might benefit from it..."

Allen gulped.

And that was how he ended up lying facedown on a fold-up chair directly under the sun with no sunblock as his master "massaged" (and by that he meant practically slapping the worsening sunburns rather sadistically) his back. Allen could only wince and squeeze his eyes shut in pain. But he didn't care, because now he wasn't a living ghost. He didn't care that his master was torturing him for running away, because he had a tan. It was worth it.

Or maybe not, he thought as the hand came back down.

-…-

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Camping out on the Lazy River (I've done this before)

Ruined by: Cross and sunburns.

Review if someone has ever f*cked with your sunburn or if you've gotten one in general. Because I got sunburned for the _FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I DID NOT LIKE IT ONE BIT._ It hurt like **** ;_;


	14. Chapter 14

101 Attempts- Pokémon Battle

I don't know where this came from. This is just a random chapter and it has nothing to do with the current theme.

Warnings: Cross does a lot of trolling in this chapter. This is what happens when you give him Allen's Nintendo.

._.

Cross Marian punched the buttons on his idiot apprentice's Nintendo DS. He was bored, Allen was asleep, Timcanpy didn't want to do anything, and it was extremely hot outside. Inside their current lodging it was air conditioned, making it an oasis in a very VERY hot desert. Very. Hot. Cross had nothing to do as he carried no form of entertainment with him, but Allen was smart and invested in a gaming console. Since Allen wasn't using it right now, Cross had turned it on out of curiosity. He didn't know how to use this damned contraption, but the screen had glowed and started to make strange noises.

Eventually the title screen appeared and gave him instructions to start a new game. There wasn't enough space for a third game, so Cross deleted one of Allen's other plays. Minutes later Cross was fully immersed in the game and following the directions. He didn't know what this game was called, but it wasn't half bad. The pixel animation was annoying but Cross ignored it since it was better than melting in the heat. There were other things he could complain about, though he had no one to complain to. There was always Tim who sat on the top of the couch behind him silently to stare at the screen, but Tim wasn't capable of speaking. Allen was still asleep and didn't even sleep-talk. Cross settled for shouting at the game every time something went wrong.

That was when the screen glowed brighter. Cross squinted his eyes and had to look away momentarily, but when he opened his eyes again, the world around him was made up of the very same pixels that he hated. Cross checked himself to see if he was the same, and found that he hadn't changed. There were a couple red and white balls in the backpack next to him, and Cross finally realized that he had been sucked into the game. Timcanpy flew by and fluttered in front of his face. Irritated, Cross swatted the golem away. If Timcanpy was here, then Allen probably had been taken too. He didn't see Allen anywhere, though.

A set of instructions flashed before him and Cross read the text in the box.

_Welcome, visitor! You are in the world of Pokémon. Before you depart on your adventure, you must answer some questions. Please be truthful when answering them. Are you ready to answer?_

He blinked with a what-the-fuck expression on his face. He had just gotten over this part a while ago. Did that mean the game restarted? Because he had made a lot of progress in the game… without saving. Oh, that must be it. A keyboard appeared before him so he could respond. He pressed "Enter" and the text continued.

_What is your name, brave adventurer?_

Admittedly, Cross had skipped over the introduction mostly because it had seemed pretty pointless to him. When actually being forced to read however, he laughed when the game called the player "brave." Of course Allen would play a game that would boost his pathetic ego. Haha. _Allen._ Brave. Yeah right, the kid was afraid to harm even a little fly. The only time "Allen" and "brave" could be used in a sentence together when the word "not" was in between. Cross quickly thought up a false name and typed in "Cherry Popper." He snickered and was amazed when the game actually accepted the name. Oh, Allen was going to be so pissed at him for this. The textbox was replaced with the next message.

_There's a huge discount discount at the market! What do you do? Do you: A) Buy it right away! B) Think about it and then decide whether or not I need the item, or C) Ignore it. I don't need it._

Cross chose "A." He would just make Allen buy it for him.

_You find a wallet on the ground. Do you: A) Return it to its owner, B) Keep it, or C) Leave the wallet alone._

Well that was obvious. Finder's keepers, losers weepers. Cross chose "B" with the thought he would use the cash for booze.

_Are you male or female?_

Last time he checked, he was male. Cross looked down his pants to confirm this. Yup, still a guy. He wasn't too sure about Allen, though. He made a mental note to ask Allen next time he saw him.

_Do you like waffles?_

Umm… Wait. What did this have to do with the game? Was this relevant? Cross frowned but said yes.

_Do you like pancakes?_

He only ate pancakes when Allen made them. Allen had come up with a wicked recipe while working at that bar in Germany.

_Do you like french toast?_

**FUCK NO, **he typed. He was sick of this shit. Cross drew his gun from its holster and shot at the screen, moving along the path. At the end of the path was a gigantic ribbon with a sign that read "touch me." Cross's face twitched but he touched it anyways. It flashed every color in the rainbow before ending with red. Another text box appeared.

_Thank you for answering all of the questions! _Cross impatiently pressed the keyboard to move forward. _You seem to be… an asshole! You don't know the meaning of compassion! You steal candy from little babies and you're probably a drunk, too. Way be a dick, you fucker. I bet you'd abandon all of your friends just for a bottle of beer. I hope you burn in hell._

Again, Cross shot the screen. Even though everything the game was saying was true. He skipped the tutorial and was transported to a field with neon green trees and grass. Little creatures pranced in the field and the pixel flowers seemed to be talking to each other. The sun had a smiley face and the clouds looked like marshmallows. Fucking fantastic. He just wanted to get the most badass "Pokémon" in the game, find his idiot apprentice, and return to the real world. He wondered what would happen if Allen's Nintendo ran out of power, but then again Allen's gaming contraption could last for hours. Hopefully when it did run out of power, they would be spit out of the game.

The peaceful music changed and made Cross want to get into a fight. As if responding to his fighting mood, a white figure flashed before him. Cross waited for the figure to take form.

_A wild Beansprout appeared! Creature is unable to flee!_

Allen stumbled upon being materialized and fell face-first into the ground. Cross approached his apprentice, unable to believe the game had labeled him as one of the monsters. He glanced at the pokéball bag at his feet and back to the sleeping idiot in front of him.

So… if he caught Allen, he would be able to use Allen in battle without him ever dying. Allen would still be able to feel pain, but never worry about death? Cross took a moment to process this. He crouched down in front of the boy and took out one of the pokéballs. He threw it at Allen's head and the boy woke up with a shout.

_Pokémon is resisting capture! You must weaken it first._

Another screen appeared before him with his options. Among them was A) Bitch slap, B) Kick, C) Heal, and D) Punch. Cross chose "A" and his hand whacked Allen across the face. The health bar floating above the idiot's head decreased.

Allen yawned and stood. He finally woke up and jumped when he saw his master across from him.

_Beansprout chose "Sob Like A Bitch." It is not very effective._

"What are you doing?" Cross demanded. "This is a battle. So face your opponent, you coward."

Allen shook his head.

"What are _you_ doing?" Allen countered while he slowly backed away in tears. "How are you able to come in here? I set it so that_ I_ was the only player."

"Wait- you can come here by your own will," Cross verified.

"Er- well, yeah," Allen answered nervously while Cross's anger grew. "There are times when I just can't stand to be in the same room as you." Cross drew his gun. It _was _his turn… "So I discovered a glitch in the game that let me transport my consciousness inside. I was pretty happy here all by myself, but then you came along and ruined it."

Cross shot at his idiot apprentice. Allen's health bar depleted completely and he fell over, even though he wasn't hit by any of the bullets. Cross chucked the pokéball at him and Allen was captured. He picked up the pokéball and tossed it in the air carelessly. Timcanpy opened his mouth and tried to eat it, but Cross caught the red and white ball before that could happen. Oh no, Allen wasn't going to die just yet. Cross broke down into mad laughter as he saw the level's boss approaching.

"Time for payback, bitch."

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Hacking a game.

Ruined by: Cross entering the game.

I reached 90 reviews! I wonder if I can get to 100 off of this one? Hint hint.

FF Net has been acting up and I've had several people contact me about broken links and not being able to review. The anonymous reviewing seems to be working just fine, even if I have to log in to moderate them. Hopefully this will be fixed soon; I don't know what's going on right now. Review if the site allows you to :/

Also, that was the most messed up Pokemon game in the history of forever.

_Forever._

Review? Y/N ?


	15. Bonus Chapter: Thanks for the support!

NOTE: This is not a chapter, rather this is a tribute to all of my fans out there following this story. As of July 20th, 2012, I have reached 100 reviews. I have honestly never had this happen to me before.

Thus, this song was born, after I received such a positive response to the Pokémon chapter.

(I don't know if I made this clear or not, but last chapter Allen was hiding in his game. Cross discovered the glitch and accidently went inside, discovering Allen and capturing him as his first Pokemon.)

Enjoy :D

Allen: His words are in parentheses and quotation marks. ("I'm a Beansprout and crying is my favorite pastime.")

Cross: His words are **bold**.

._.

Cross wants to be the very best.

That no one ever was.

To catch Beansprouts is his real quest.

To abuse them is his cause.

He will travel across the land,

searching far and wide.

Each Beansprout to understand

why he always _CRIIIIIEEEESSS_

BEANSPROUT!

It's him and Allen

Cross knows it's his destiny

BEANSPROUT!

"**Ooohhhhh you're my manservant**"

"**Now lets go get some booze**"

BEANSPROUT!

A kid so dumb

Why doesn't he just run away?

"**I'll beat you, now pay my debts**"

BEANSPROUT!

Gotta catch em all! Gotta catch 'em all, YEAH

Yeahhh…

Every attempt, he tries to hide

Cross will always find him

He will turn to "Mama Cross"

When people touch his stuff!

"**Come with me, and pay my debts.**"

That's what he said when they first met.

"**You and me, forget Timcanpy**-

"**-NOW STOP CRYING YOU LITTLE BITCH."**

Beansprouts!

("You can go to hell")

It's Cross and Allen.

We know it's their destiny.

Beansprouts!

"**Ohhh, you're my manservant**,

**Now go fight that akuma!"**

Beansprout!

His tears are so true

Your "courage" won't pull you through.

"**You can run and you can hide**,

**But I'll. Find. Yoooouuuu**."

("You can go to hell, you can go to hell.")

Beansprouts!

Gotta catch 'em all! (x6 ?)

("No") *

Beansprouts!

Gotta catch 'em all!

It's Cross and Allen.

We know it's their destiny.

Beansprout!

("Oh, you're my worst nightmare")

("I wish I could go home…")

Beansprout!

Gotta make them all cry (cry tears so true)

"**Timcanpy will torture you."**

"**You can run and you can hide,"**

BEANSPROUTS!

"**I will beat you, I'll beat you**"

BEANSPROUTS!

._.

* The "No" is sang as "Yeah"

Thanks for reviewing everyone! Your feedback is always important to me ^^ Oh, and someone asked if they could make a fanart of this 101 Series, and yeah, anyone can :) I don't remember who asked, but the question came up in my email the other day ._. Fanart will be praised and virgins will be sacrificed.

I guess that means I'm going to be thrown down the volcano, then.

Anyone who lives… we know what you did.


	16. Chapter 15

101 Attempts- Bathroom Break

Title: You Know You've Done It Too

Title 2: It's Magical Girl Allen! I mean… Alice!

By the way? I give up on the themes. I'll just post whatever I want from now on, because I keep coming up with all of these ideas and I keep posting them -.- I give up. If I feel like it, I'll go back to themes, but otherwise it's done for.

._.

Allen was a fan of the new hit manga series, D. Red Girl. It was a story about this girl named Alice Rider who had a cool right arm that could be used to defeat her enemies with a single slash. Her left arm was used for humanity, which reminded Allen of himself. The girl was short and everyone called her a glutton because she ate so much. Allen thought that she was cute, too. She had short white hair that spiked in a clump on both sides of her head with subtle bangs across her forehead. One of her silver eyes could turn red and she had the ability to see the souls of those around her. She hunted demons and was the most powerful person in the manga. Allen thought she was awesome; Alice was practically his idol.

She was also easy to relate to for Allen. Like him, Alice had a mean master who made her pay all of his debts. She loved to eat and ate a lot, so much that her friends constantly reminded her of it. Her friends would give her nicknames that she wouldn't like, and she had a horrible temper (and very little self control) around the people that she was actually close to. Allen enjoyed reading this story and liked most of the characters, but he hated how everyone always picked on the main character, even if it were for fun.

He didn't know why the story was named "D. Red Girl" though. Then again, the titles never made sense until later on in the plot whenever the author decided to give background info or "drop the bomb of pointless truth." Currently Alice seemed to be struggling with the other being inside of her head, who was showing her memories of its own life in hopes of her clinging onto them and disappearing. Allen didn't think that was very nice. He would hate it if that happened to him. *

He skimmed over the last panel and flipped the page. That was the end of the chapter for now. Allen sighed; the author of the series hadn't been feeling too well lately and he felt bad for her. The owner of the series had some form of arthritis, but that was what he had heard. Allen pouted as the magazine had no more to read from. He kicked his legs out from his sitting position on the lid of the toilet he sat on. Instead of returning to his training like he promised he would, Allen returned to the front of the issue and began to read some of the other stories (that he wasn't very interested in). Even if they weren't as good in comparison, Allen knew it was a million times better than sparring with his master.

Today they had been sparring and Allen called for a break around the time he knew the mail came. He'd picked up his monthly issue and had run to the nearest public building as he knew hiding in their own home wouldn't work. He'd ended up in the bathroom of some restaurant, camping out in a stall with his feet on top of the lid. The other doors were open and Allen knew he would stick out if he closed his. He chose the stall at the very end and left it mostly shut, but a crack open. He hoped no one else tried to come in while he was still in here.

Luck was not on his side, because the door to the bathroom opened. Allen paused in his reading as the footsteps neared. He frowned when he didn't hear anything after a while. Maybe they were just checking their hair or something. Because that was totally normal for men. Allen returned to reading the comic when the door slammed open and he screamed so loud that the lights above shattered. The glass fell from the ceiling in shards and a hand grabbed him by his shirt before they could hit him. Allen dropped his manga and his heart beat wildly as he slowly came back to his senses. Whenever he screamed like this, he tended to briefly lose control. Allen's head spun and his vision blurred momentarily.

"Jesus Christ, you're loud when you're scared," the man complained. Allen blinked and backed away when he saw just who had opened the door on him. Tall, long red hair that spiked, white mask on half of the face, and wearing that black coat with the gold trimmings was none other than Cross Marian. His master was busy recovering from the scream just now, so Allen took this chance to grab his magazine and run. The hand grabbed him again and Allen smiled nervously at his angry master.

"H-hi there, master," Allen greeted.

Cross glared.

"Err… how are you?" he asked hesitantly. Cross's eyes narrowed and he dropped his apprentice to the floor. Allen yelped and a foot stepped down on his back to keep him from getting back up. Timcanpy flew down to mock Allen, who watched as the golem consumed his poor manga. Allen pouted but knew he deserved it for abandoning training.

Above him, Cross lit his cigarette and grumbled about Allen disappearing for a "silly comic." Allen frowned as his master continued to step on him. By this point he doubted the man even knew that he was stomping on his apprentice like a petulant child. He let out a puff of annoyance at being treated like dirt, so he rolled away just as Cross's foot came back down. He got back up to his feet to explain himself, but Cross didn't want to hear anything, because he threw Allen over his shoulders so they could return to their training. Behind them, Timcanpy finished off the last of Allen's issue and let out a small burp.

Allen sighed. There was always next month's issue, at least.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Hiding in the bathroom stall

Foiled by: Not closing the door

* Which it totally is right now, as of D Gray Man 215. Just saying ;)

Now... because of recent issues in my country, I will have to hold off on some of the chapters until everything has "cooled down," to say. I'll have to say sorry in advance for this (for my readers in other countries), but I probably won't be posting until I write up the replacement chapters. I have only two that are appropriate at this time but I don't want to post them immediately because that does no good :/


	17. Chapter 17

101 Attempts Chapter… 16? I think.

Title: ALLEN IS A GIRL'S NAME? SINCE _WHEN?_

Also, I love how people keep stopping to review chapter three. Just saying. It makes me laugh so hard at everyone's reaction that I think that may have been what got me sick O_o I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but when I got emotional (happy, sad, angry- etc) I get either get really dizzy or I puke.

This chapter was inspired by my first time ever cooking a blueberry pie :) It's cooking right now and I hope it turns out okay! XD Making the pie crust wasn't a very pleasant experience for me; I started to shout at the dough when it would crack or split ;_; I wish I could have recorded myself cooking, because it was actually pretty funny.

._.

"Hey Allen, can I ask you a question?" came the voice of Tyki Mikk beside him. Said boy stirred from his sleep and sat up against the wall of the alley they occupied. He rubbed his tired face to see his older friend wide awake, but wrapped in the same blanket they shared on cold nights like these. Allen struggled to keep his eyes open and moved closer to his fellow runaway's warm body under the sheets. Tyki was probably just having a hard time sleeping again. Allen nodded while figuring that talking would help so he could return to dreaming, though he felt a little irritated upon waking up from a nice sleep.

The Portuguese teenager scratched his head and a recently turned ten-year-old Allen waited patiently. Lately his friend had been hiding something from him, but Allen hadn't minded. He was sure Tyki would open up to him when he was comfortable on the subject, but he hadn't expected for that time to be now. He watched Tyki hesitate, but Allen knew they had all the time in the world for this. They had spent an entire year by each other's side, Allen having met the teen at his first hiding place. With no one to talk to, they had approached each other and had become quick friends. Allen learned to trust his new friend, but it seemed as if his friend felt differently.

Regardless of his friend's lack of trust, Allen was willing to talk to him about just about anything. There were certain subjects he didn't understand and needed to have explained to him before they could converse, but still. Allen would talk about anything even if he didn't know what was being said to him.

Tyki didn't look at him as he spoke, but when he did turn, his gaze was curious.

"I just realized that you never told me why you ran away," he pointed out to the exhausted boy next to him. This woke Allen up and he held back a yawn while Tyki continued to explain his curiosity. "We've been together for an entire year, but I still don't know why you're out on the streets like this with me. I mean, why did you ditch your parents? You don't have to live like this if a life of safety is guaranteed for-"

Allen laughed.

As if he would have been safe around that guy. He was safer out here in the freezing cold than he was staying with the man known as Cross Marian. Allen excused himself for rudely bursting into laughter and cleared his throat so he could speak.

"Sorry about that," he smiled gently up at his surprised friend. Allen leaned against the wall since his story would take a while. "You see, the guy that took me in after my adopted father's death… well, he was very mean. He knew I had something called 'Innocence' in my left hand and tried to train me, but I didn't like any of it because he shot at me with his gun."

"Oh," Tyki muttered. "So he was abusive?"

"You bet your head he was!" Allen huffed, folding his arms across his chest and pouting. "But that wasn't why I ditched him. The truth is…"

...

"_What do you mean you_ lied_?" a nine-year-old Allen Walker demanded of his master. He was worn out from training and his clothes were torn and dirty. His hair was a mess, he was covered in bruises and scratches, and he was unbelievably angry. Allen had finished up a long day of training with his master under the impression that he would be rewarded should he not complain once. Every training session Allen complained about his master shooting at him and nearly killing him, but Cross insisted it was for his own good. To get Allen to cooperate, he had struck a deal but in the end he didn't keep his part of the bargain._

"_I lied. I don't have any candy," Cross shrugged._

_Allen hissed at his master and punched him in the gut with his left hand. Cross doubled over and Allen spun around to storm away. He refused to put up with this any longer. Cross could shoot at him, hospitalize him, insult him, and anything he wanted but he could NOT lie about having candy. That was where Allen drew the line._

_His master called after him but Allen started to run. No way in hell was he going back. He exited the training grounds and dashed through the city they had stopped in. Allen slowed his pace to a walk and his legs throbbed painfully. Before he collapsed, Allen stumbled into a dark alley where he could rest for just a while. He panted from the earlier sprint and his heavy eyelids closed momentarily._

_He couldn't believe Cross would lie about having candy. What a jerk._

…

"You ran away because he didn't give you candy," Tyki summarized Allen's flashback.

"Of course I did."

"You could have easily bought some at the store," he pointed out. Allen thought about that but shook his head. All the money he earned back then was spent settling his master's debts. Buying candy hadn't been an option. The one time he _did_ get candy was when that nice old lady handed it out, but Cross had ordered him to stay away after labeling the kind gesture as a trap.

That didn't stop the other kids from taking it, and nothing bad happened to any of _them_.

"I was mad because he _lied _about having candy," Allen emphasized his reason for becoming a hobo. "I'm not going back anyways. Cross is crazy and I still hate him."

Tyki didn't seem to mind his friend's petulance. "Whatever. Now stop hogging the blanket, you little glutton," he joked, nudging Allen's side. Allen grinned and gave some of the cover back to his elder. Allen was about to return to sleep, but his friend had more to say. "I'm glad I met you, though, even if we met because of a dumb reason like that."

Allen blushed in embarrassment and quickly averted his gaze to stare holes into the brick wall at the end of the alley.

"Y-yeah, I'm… glad we became friends, too."

Tyki could be heard laughing at him.

"What's up with you? I didn't know you were so shy," Tyki poked Allen's burning red cheek. Allen heard a sigh but he kept his eyes glued to the wall. "I hope your master doesn't come for you anytime soon. This past year has been fun."

Secretly, Allen hoped for that kind of future too.

._.

Allen's day jobs varied from delivering newspapers to cooking bread in a bakery. Sometimes he did simple jobs, but he was fine with that so long as it brought in money. He lived a life in poverty and sometimes it was difficult just to be fed. Winter was tough for him and Tyki, but by the time spring came along, the city flourished once again. Jobs opened for them, which made Allen happy as they were able to save up money. They bought an apartment in the slums, but it was better than nothing. In the mornings Allen left for the bakery to make fresh bread with the cook, and at night he returned to collapse on the couch.

As for Tyki, Allen wasn't sure what he did. Tyki had turned eighteen and Allen considered him to be an adult. His friend was able to take up more jobs than Allen could, but when Allen saw what kind of work he did, he wasn't looking forward to aging. Coal mining was a job he took up frequently and Allen warned him about his health, worried that his friend would get sick. The Portuguese insisted that he was practically invincible since he was an adult, but nevertheless Allen watched over him. There were times when they were separated because of Tyki's mysterious calls. When he left Allen was lonely in their run-down apartment, but he waited for Tyki to return.

In fact, Tyki had returned two weeks ago. He never told Allen what his work consisted of, which alarmed the boy. Allen didn't press for answers since that would be rude, but had his friend (and current guardian- he needed one if he was to take more jobs) promise him to be careful.

Allen sighed as he exited the back of the bakery. He held a basket of freshly baked bread and smiled at the regulars that frequented the store. He chatted animatedly to the pretty ladies as he suggested some of their goods. They gave in and purchased some of the sweets Allen had help Jerry (his boss) cook. Allen waved goodbye after they promised to return, though he heard them mistaking him for a girl as they left. That happened quite often; customers would come and go, tell him what a cute little girl he was and not give him a chance to correct them. It was annoying but Allen supposed that couldn't be helped.

It wasn't just the customer's of Jerry's bakery that had trouble discerning Allen's gender. When he went into clothing stores the shopkeepers always suggested dresses with frills, laces, and ruffles. Allen picked out simple dress shirts and pants much to their disappointment, but they dismissed him as a tomboy. He didn't complain when they offered him discounts because of his young age, though, rather he took advantage of his appearance.

Unfortunately, it was his appearance that attracted unwanted attention. As Allen had white hair, a red scar on the left side of his face, had a deformed left arm, and looked like a little girl, people talked about him wherever he went. Allen was used to the gossiping, but no one ever questioned why he looked the way he did. From time to time he was pitied and suggested several doctors in the area, but he ignored that. He made a mental note to buy a bandana to hide his hair and some gloves.

Not that hiding his face would help, he thought as the ladies returned with a tall man who had his arms around them. Allen recognized the newcomer as the man he had escaped from a year ago, and the first thing he did upon entering was look at the poor boy behind the counter. The hairs on his head stood on end as the women pointed at Allen without knowing they had just doomed him. Allen smiled nervously and slowly backed away with the excuse of assisting the cook. He rushed into the back while feeling the intense gaze of Cross Marian burning into his retreating back.

"Jerry," Allen whispered to the chef who was busy taking bread out of the oven. The effeminate man turned his attention to him before continuing in his cooking. "I need to go. I don't know if I'll return," he informed the cook sadly.

Jerry held a disappointed look but he smiled reassuringly at his assistant, placing his hands on both of Allen's shoulders.

"You're welcome back anytime, Allen-kun," the cook told Allen. The boy hugged his boss goodbye and quickly hightailed it out of the bakery. He escaped via the backdoor and rushed down the alley to merge with the crowd. If he was lucky, Tyki would still be at home and Allen could hide there with him. With this in mind, Allen picked up his pace as he felt tears spring from his eyes. Today was starting out to be a bad day. First Cross appears, then he has to leave Jerry. How could this get any worse?

Allen rushed down the stairs that led the alley where he and Tyki entered their apartment. He fumbled with his key he kept on him at all times, throwing the door open and locking it behind him. He ran down the hall to their door number and opened it, knowing it would be open at this time. He bumped into Tyki and fell backwards.

"Allen," Tyki exclaimed. "What are you doing back here so soon? Did you forget something?"

He shook his head and got back up to his feet to cry into Tyki's chest. He really didn't want to go back to Cross.

"He's back," Allen whimpered.

And then the doorbell rang.

"DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR!" Allen shrieked as he ran to hide behind his guardian.

"Who is it?" Tyki asked as he reached for the doorknob. "Come on, Allen, don't be rude. We have a visitor-"

"DON'T OPEN IT!"

"-and we should open the door and let them in."

Despite Allen's pleading, Tyki answered the door. Standing outside by himself was Cross Marian in the flesh. Cross glared, Tyki smiled obliviously with idiot flowers floating around his head, and Allen cowered. Worst reunion ever.

"Hello, how can I help you? My name is Tyki Mikk, and the cute little girl behind me is Allen. What's your name? Are you new in the neighborhood? Have you tried the patisserie around the corner? Boy, we sure are having nice weather today. We could go for a walk and get to know each other better at this nice café that I know. The waiters are beautiful and they serve delicious food. I'm sure we'll get along-"

"My name is Cross Marian and I'm a General at the Black Order."

Tyki stopped in his chattering and there was an awkward silence. Allen's eyes widened when he saw the idiot flowers suddenly wilt and the man's aura turn black. There was a loud slam as Tyki closed the door in their visitor's face, Tyki's smile twitching violently into a deep scowl. Allen stepped away as devil horns sprouted from his guardian's head. Tyki stormed over to the closet and pulled out his toolbox for when something broke down in their apartment. Allen only stared in shock when Tyki took the hammer. He considered hiding when Tyki took the first few practice swings.

Allen backed against the wall as his guardian passed by him with the intent to kill. Tyki creaked the door open and Allen didn't know whether to cheer him on, or stop him from committing murder. Tyki took the first swing to Cross's face but Cross's hand snapped up to stop it inches away from impact.

"Why are you here?" Tyki questioned "innocently" with a false smile. He drew the hand back to strike again, but Cross kept his hand on the hammer. The aura radiating from Cross was just as threatening as Tyki's and Allen wasn't sure who to be more afraid of.

"Why do you have my apprentice, you dirty bastard," Cross countered with a smile that mirrored Tyki's, only the irritation was blatant.

"We should go for a walk outside _to get to know each other better_," Tyki suggested while the devil horns grew larger. His opponent's horns shot right through his hat and created holes in the material. "I know this shooting range no one goes to. There's lots of room and plenty of ammo. What do you say we go there? _The weather_ outside _sure is nice_."

"Yes," Cross agreed completely. He drew his gun from its holster while Tyki tore his hammer out of his new rival's grip. "_Let's_."

._.

"Pack up, idiot, the other idiot just lost," Cross informed Allen as he emerged from battle. His black hat was ruined and his hair looked like Tyki had tried to burn it. Allen stood from his chair, having already accepted the inevitable with his suitcase beside him. While Tyki and Cross had duked it out, Allen had been packing all of his belongings. As awesome as Tyki was, he stood no chance against Cross. It wasn't like Tyki had any special powers; he was just a normal person.

At least, that's what he thought at the time.

"I'm already packed," Allen said while Tyki dragged himself over to where they were. Allen crouched down to say his goodbyes, while the Portuguese man tugged on Allen's sleeve. "Goodbye, Tyki. I really enjoyed the time I spent with you."

"A-Allen," Tyki groaned. His head crashed into the ground. "I have something to tell you," he rasped.

"Yeah?" Allen kept his ears open for Tyki's last words. Cross must have beaten him up pretty bad.

Tyki handed Allen a scratch piece of paper with a number on it. "Call me sometime so we can catch up," he requested. His hand dropped after Allen took the paper from him. "If I don't die, that is…"

"I will," Allen pinky promised.

Cross che'd.

Tyki fainted.

Allen picked up his suitcase and sighed at his dramatic friend. He would miss Tyki's idiocy.

"I'll come visit you when you're a bit older, young girl," Tyki swore from his spot on the ground. "As soon as you're legal I'll come and steal your heart, okay? Then we'll get married…"

"Alright, let's leave," Cross rolled his eyes and moved his apprentice along. Allen waved goodbye and didn't see Tyki again until later on in life, when it was much easier to tell that he was a boy.

._.

Tyki walked away from the scene of murder as he dusted off his outfit. He had just eliminated Allen Walker as per the Earl's orders. It was a shame; he really had wanted to play cards with him one last time. He looked back to the body sprawled across the ground and covered in blood. The cards Tyki has given Allen in his "white form" were ruined as well.

For some reason, he couldn't tear his eyes away from the familiar face. He could have sworn the boy looked familiar. Tyki was certain he would remember a boy with white hair, a deformed arm, a red scar on the left side of his face and of small stature. There was a girl from his past but there was no way they could be the same. Tyki wondered if Allen Walker was related to an Allen Walker. Then he stopped in his tracks and looked back at the boy he'd killed, comparing their faces. He rushed back over to the boy and frowned. The last time he had seen Allen The Girl had been about five years ago.

Allen The Girl hadn't hit puberty at that time, and most children at that stage were hard to tell whether they were male or female. Tyki's frown deepened and he stared intently as he crouched down to inspect the corpse. Was it possible?... Allen could be a girl's name, right? Tyki grimaced as he considered the possibility of the Allen from the old days being a boy. It wasn't impossible, in fact, Tyki had suspected it during their time together.

"Tyki," Allen rasped. The Noah was surprised the boy was still alive, but he knew the kid wouldn't last long. "Are you… Tyki Mikk?"

Oh shit.

Yup.

That was Allen.

"_NO,_" he quickly denied, shoving his hand through Allen's chest again, panicking as he glanced around to make sure no one was looking. He caught a bird staring and he sent one of his Teez after it. No witnesses were allowed to live. Out of paranoia, he cut down a couple trees and he may or may not have tried to burn down the forest in the process. The forest filled with smoke or a heavy fog. He couldn't tell. That was when he remembered the promise he had made with Allen The Girl five years ago.

"_As soon as you're legal I'll come and steal your heart, okay? Then we'll get married…_"

Shit shit shit shit-

Allen was fifteen.

Not legal.

And a guy.

Shit.

Fuck.

Damn it.

Son of a bitch, please kill me now.

_Fuuuuucckk._

The police was going to get him for this. Was he going to be charged with murder or statutory rape? Because he _had _technically stolen Allen's heart, and destroyed his Innocence. The Vatican was going to come after him, that was for sure. Tyki stood and kicked dirt over the body as if that would help his current situation. He let out a string of swears when he heard someone approaching. If he was caught here then not only would he have to try to kill another witness, but he would be sent to court as well.

He _really_ didn't want to have to hire a lawyer.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Running away and living in the slums

Foiled by: The ladies who gossiped about him and gave away his location.

Last chapter I said there was an incident in my country involving guns. If you want to know why I'm toning down the violence, look up "guns," "Colorado," and "movie theatre shooting." If you're in the United States, you know what I'm talking about. Also, I didn't say there would be a hiatus... just that it may take a while to write the replacements. Thankfully it only takes one day at most to write a chapter. I love vacation.

I also love my pet rock :)

Review if you actually read the Author Notes!


	18. Chapter 18

101 Attempts 17- Zombies

Title: Cross Likes Dead People

*Is shot*

Title #2: TIMCANPY HELPS ALLEN? WTF?

Set in an AU world during the Case of the Order's Destruction. I tried to tone down any and all violence in this chapter.

._.

"Now that we are all zombies, there is something I would like to share with all of you," Allen raised his voice above the sea of groaning zombies. He stood on top of a table in the mess hall where they had gathered for Allen's important announcement. The audience fell silent and Allen genuinely hoped they could hear him, as he knew something that he felt his comrades of the undead should be aware of. Allen looked out to his friends, then to the doors. Still no sign of _that man_.

After Krory had been infected with Komui's experiment, the building had gone under a lockdown to prevent spreading the virus to any outsiders. Every man for himself had been a rule unanimously agreed on as the infected advanced on the few survivors. The remaining people, Allen once included, had given up on creating a cure in favor for holding out for as long as possible. In hindsight, they should have stuck with the original plan and changed back those who were capable of fighting back. Too bad they hadn't thought of that until everyone in the building was infected. Oh well- it wasn't their problem anymore. They would leave it to the Asia Branch to clean up their mess, but there was a chance they would fail as well and turn into flesh-eating zombies.

Now, to their current issue. While everyone in the building that belonged to the European Branch was infected, there was one man in particular who was outside and had missed the destruction as result. Normally this would be a good thing, but considering who this mystery man was, they were better off self-quarantining themselves. Allen made a mental note to find some planks to cover the windows. As for the tools, they didn't have any of those as they had been obliterated when the Science Division used them to fight back against the horde. They would have to settle for Lavi's hammer, since Komui had finally repaired it.

Allen continued with his message as his fellow zombies waited for him. "As you are all aware, Cross Marian is currently away from the Order. That's good," he assured them, "but not because we don't want to spread the infection. My master is a bastard. He shoots at innocent people, he drinks till he drops, and his debt to the Order is enormous. Many consider him to be a pest."

The crowd murmured in agreement. Kanda Yuu, returned to his adult form raised his voice to catch Allen's attention.

"Get to the goddamn point already!" he demanded.

"I was just getting there," Allen scowled. He cleared his throat and ignored the outburst for now. "Cross Marian is many things, but I bet everyone in this room will be shocked by what they're about to hear." He paused to let his words sink in. "Cross Marian... is a necrophiliac."

The crowd was silent. Then there was horrified screaming, the infected panicking as they realized what this meant for them.

"Are you sure about that?" zombie Lenalee cried in distress. Beside her zombie Komui was growling at the thought of that general returning to the building to pursue his baby sister's reanimated corpse.

He wished Cross being a necrophiliac was a lie, but when his relationship with the dead body of Grave of Maria was taken into account... things didn't look too good for them.

"Remember back on the Ark?" Lavi exclaimed. He too had returned to his older form and he was glad he was taller than Allen again, but the current situation soured his mood. "General Cross resurrected a dead lady and seemed none too shy about displaying his affection for her," he pointed out to the Chinese zombie.

"I suppose you're right," Lenalee nodded in reluctant agreement. "But if General Cross really is a necrophiliac, shouldn't we only be worried about our women?"

Allen clapped his hands to catch the crowd's attention once again. Lenalee _did_ have a point about Cross being a womanizer, but he had forgotten to tell them something vital to their very survival.

"No man or woman is safe from Cross Marian!" he shouted out in a warning tone. "As long as it has rotting flesh, he'll go for ANYONE. No one here in this building is safe!"

Again, the silence.

It gets old after a while.

Finally, it was Link who decided to voice his opinion and plan of action.

"Then all we have to do is make sure he doesn't get in."

Simple as that.

If only that were the truth, though. Allen was about to tell him otherwise when the lights flickered and a door could be heard being broken down. When the lights were back on, a man with long red hair and black coat donning the golden lining stood alone in the doorway. The horde backed up in a stunned silence, and then chaos unleashed. The zombies ran as fast as they could to the other side of the room, breaking down doors in the process. Allen jumped down from the table and was run over by the mass. His left arm fell off, but Lenalee and Lavi picked up his decomposing body to save him.

Cross stood there for a long time and moved when all of his targets fled the area. Allen regained his footing and reattached his arm, pushing his friends along faster so they wouldn't be caught. Lenalee was first priority seeing as how Komui would kill everyone if she was touched, so Allen hid her in a nearby closet and helped her step into a barrel to hide. While that hadn't worked for him, he was certain it would for her. He and Lavi hid behind the door with their backs against the wood. There was no way they could go back outside now that the hall had emptied.

Allen tensed as the screaming faded. He looked under the door but saw no one on the other side. He looked to Lavi who shook his head. His eyes said: _Whatever you do, don't open that door._

He folded his arms and worried about the upcoming future.

._.

"It's too quiet out there," Lenalee whispered from her hiding spot. She lifted the lid of the barrel to see her friends half-asleep and propped against the wall. With a sigh she stood and abandoned the barrel. While as a zombie she didn't need to breathe, it was uncomfortable being cramped in such a small space. She crawled over to the two and sat between them while they stirred from their rest. They didn't need to sleep either, but boys will be boys, she thought as she watched them groan upon being awakened. She smiled fondly at her friends and held back a giggle when Allen rubbed at his eyes. They were the same, even when they were undead.

While Allen and Lavi woke from their naps, Lenalee stood to look out of the window above them. The hallway was empty and not a single sound could be heard from within the building. She frowned at this. After Allen had broken the news to them, she figured there would have been constant screaming as the Order ran in terror from their visitor. Then her frown deepened. What was Cross Marian doing here, anyways? She thought he had already left for the new base. If he was here, did that mean his bodyguards were here as well? Should that be the case, Lenalee knew it would be okay to get caught, because they would be turned back into humans. Unless they were collecting test subjects to find the cure, then Lenalee was willing to go out there and kill them all.

Allen peeked out the square window as well. Lavi continued to sleep, unconcerned for their current state of affairs. She sighed and looked down to her Dark Boots. Even when she was undead, she could still activate them to fight back if that weird general tried to do anything to her or her friends.

"I don't see anything," Allen told her. "Should we move out?"

Lenalee shook her head.

"That's not a very good idea. We don't know who might be outside," she advised against Allen's suggestion. Not only did they not know who was around, they didn't know whether or not Cross was by himself in his attack. When he had begun his raid, she hadn't seen anyone behind him.

Allen returned to his self-appointed "guard dog" duty. He had to stand up on the tips of his toes just to look out of the window, whereas Lenalee was wearing heels (putting her several inches taller than Allen). She thought it was cute how short he was, but then was reminded of her boots once again. Without them, she was about the same height as he was.

"Jeez. I can't believe he actually came for us," Allen complained as he tilted his head to look down the right side of the hallway. He waited before switching sides. "This must be like some sort of messed up bonanza for him. I mean, it's understandable if he goes crazy over some lady he knew. But for him to go after hundreds of undead _indiscriminately_? That's where I draw the line. There's only so far you can go with a twisted kink."

Just as Allen pulled away from the door, a hand shot through the glass to grab Allen by the neck. Lenalee screamed as Allen's body created a large hole through their barrier and woke up Lavi. She hit the zombie Bookman on the head and forced his head in Allen's direction. Unfortunately, this made Lavi's head pop off of his shoulders. Lenalee hurriedly put it back on while outside Allen was being attacked by none other than the Black Order's intruder.

"Allen!" she shouted.

The zombified version of her friend was held up in the air with his master's hand closed around his neck. Allen kicked in retaliation but his leg fell off of his body. Lavi used this distraction to take Lenalee's hand and run past the two.

"Wait- HELP!" Allen shouted after them.

"Sorry Allen-kun," Lenalee apologized as they ran to safety. "Your sacrifice won't be in vain!"

Lenalee gave Allen one last glance, regretting leaving Allen to his master. She hoped he would be okay, even though the chances of him leaving unscarred were close to zero.

._.

Allen hung there and watched his friends abandon him. He didn't understand why he had the worst of luck; of course _he_ would be the one to get caught out of the three of them. God must really hate him. Allen didn't know what he had done wrong in the past, but he prayed for forgiveness when he saw an open black coffin behind his master. It definitely wasn't Grave of Maria, judging from the lack of golden chains. Actually, he was pretty sure that box was meant for any or all victims his master captured (which was at zero, as the coffin was empty).

"H-hey master, long time no see?" he greeted nervously and unsure of whether or not he should be scared or crying. Cross stared at him and Allen tried to keep the conversation going, uncomfortable with the look in his captor's eyes. "I see you're carrying a coffin behind you. Eh… uh, who's it for?"

Cross didn't hesitate to tell the truth.

"You."

Allen's false smile fell. _That was quick_, he thought in alarm. His other leg fell off and hit the ground with a small 'thump.' Cross watched it fall with a blank expression. The leg twitched beside the other one, his detached limbs urging him to escape. Before Allen could be thrown into the coffin, the golden golem known as Timcanpy crashed into Cross's face. The man released Allen to deal with the unexpected savior. Tears of joy sprang up in Allen's eyes as Tim defended him and opened up a chance for him to escape. Allen threw himself at the floor and fumbled as he reattached his legs. He couldn't believe this was happening. Maybe he had a God on his side after all?

"Thank you Tim!" Allen cheered on the golem that had just betrayed its master. His legs grew back on (somehow) and Allen ran as fast as his legs would carry him while Timcanpy distracted the flailing General. He snickered at the sight; _now _who was the pathetic idiot? In the past Tim had hated Allen, but now for whatever reason the golem favored him instead of his owner. Allen made his way to they end of the hall where his friends had disappeared down. He had to find them to improve his chances of survival.

Allen would invoke his Innocence like his friends did, but seeing as how he was parasitic type AND a zombie… physical brawling wasn't the best option for him. Leave it to his master to pick on the weak. Allen glanced back at said master and saw Timcanpy being swatted away. Cross glared at the golem and could be heard demanding to know what its problem was. The glare was transferred to Allen, who rushed out the door and with no other option, threw himself down the winding stairs.

Too bad Cross was faster and more coordinated than he was. Allen groaned in pain at the very bottom of the stairs, arms and legs fallen off once again. He brought his face up from the ground to locate his limbs, but found his master already collecting his body parts. Allen groaned in exasperation and hit his head repeatedly against the floor. He hoped zombies could die of concussions.

Tim floated down beside his torso and landed on top of Allen's head, settling in his old man hair. The golem sympathetically pat his face with his tail and little feet tread through his locks to lean over and press his face against Allen's forehead. Tim's tail hit him while Cross picked up the torso and head to Allen's body. Allen was thrown into the wagon and watched his master take out a small list.

"What's that for?" he questioned. Above him, Tim sat on the edge of the coffin. He clearly disagreed with Cross's transportation method, as the golem scowled at his master when he began to pull the coffin along. Allen's undead body slowly regenerated, his limbs reattaching themselves to where they belonged. It didn't hurt but Allen didn't like to watch the process, so to keep his mind off of that he bugged his master as he was dragged along.

Cross grabbed the end of the coffin, but he may as well have gotten a wagon because he grabbed the end of the box to pull his apprentice around. The man pocketed the paper and glanced around for the door. If Allen didn't know any better, he would say his master was lost. It wasn't like he visited the Order often anyways.

"Hello?" Allen's reattached arm waved from below.

Cross still didn't answer.

Allen threw his other arm at him. The arm hit Cross on the back of the head and bounced back into Allen's coffin. Finally he caught the man's attention, because he turned around to speak.

"Shut up, idiot apprentice. I'm thinking."

The zombie waited, but then he got bored.

"Thinking about what?" Allen pressed.

"Stuff."

Stuff? That sounded suspicious. He shifted into a more comfortable position as the coffin was dragged down another set of stairs. He ignored the constant bumping and kept quiet while his master approached the exit. Allen wondered if his master had come to retrieve just him out of the almost non-existential shred of humanity inside of him. Then he laughed to himself. Yeah right, Cross just wanted to **** all the dead bodies.

Cross dragged the coffin outside of the Order through broken down doors. He dropped the box and took out the paper to reread the note. While reading he scratched his head and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. Cross looked ready to burn the paper to a crisp, but instead he crumbled it up and tossed it to the side. The crumpled paper landed on the grass where a sign clearly said "no littering."

"So… what kind of stuff were you thinking about?" Allen questioned when his master turned to glare at him for no reason.

Cross didn't say anything. Tim didn't do anything either, leaving Allen to awkwardly wait for an answer. The golem eventually flapped his wings and floated over to Cross to sit on his shoulder. The redheaded General exchanged words with his golem briefly and Allen didn't catch what they said, but Cross crouched down in front of the grave. He produced a syringe from his pocket and slowly closed in, a scene reminiscent of their parting in India.

"I heard from Timcanpy that you were talking about me earlier in the cafeteria," Cross spoke with a menacing gleam in his eyes. Allen felt himself shrinking into the coffin. This didn't look good for him. Cross's face was in his and he had never looked so threatening until this day. The fake smile on his face didn't help the image as a black aura emanated from his very being. Allen shrank further, and Cross continued. "Under normal circumstances I would kill you, but seeing as you've been infected by the virus and are already undead, I'm going to have to bring you back to life."

"You're helping me?" Allen blinked. Well, that didn't sound too bad. If he was brought back to life, then he wouldn't have to trouble himself with reattaching his limbs. Then he thought the implications that came out of being resurrected and didn't look forward to the vaccine in his master's hand.

"Hell no," Cross hit him on the head. Allen scowled at his master and was hit on the head again. He could hear insane laughter from above him so Allen turned away when the needle closed in. He really didn't like needles. "I should shove this syringe through your eye for what you did. I saw someone do it in a game once," he commented 'innocently.' Cross could be creepy when he wanted to be. "I'm going to bring you back to life so I can kill you again myself."

_That doesn't surprise me that you would think of that kind of revenge._

"But you told me to always tell the truth!" Allen protested and dodged the needle that nearly stabbed him in the neck. Cross's other hand held his head down to prevent further resistance. Allen thought this was all unnecessary. He could always inject himself, but he bet his master would just respond by telling him he was a zombie and could not be trusted.

"I never said you had to open your mouth though!" Cross snapped and struggled to give his apprentice the cure. Allen tried to bite his master and hopefully infect him, but to no avail.

"You're not denying the accusations…"

"Shut up!" Cross ordered in a bark-like shout. Allen's ears rang painfully and his hands went to cover them. He squeezed his eyes shut as a headache came on. He didn't remember his hearing ever being so sensitive. Cross used this distraction to inject the medicine in his neck. Tim flew into Allen's face and was happy as the boy returned to normal. His limbs burned as his flesh healed and left no scars from his brief time as a zombie. Allen had a few seconds returned to life before he found the barrel of a gun pressed against his cheek.

Allen raised his hands in the air in hopes of negotiation. He backed up in the coffin but Cross moved forward to corner him.

"Can't we talk this out," Allen pleaded with a small squeak.

Cross put his finger on the trigger.

"Not unless you want to become part of the Innocence collection," he snapped and cocked his gun. "Violent death or deal with me forever. _Chose_."

"Is there a third option?"

"NO."

"… Violent death," Allen requested.

Cross tilted his head to the side and lowered Judgment from Allen's face. "Actually, I think I like the idea of having a third weapon. Now get back in the grave!"

Cross hit Allen over the head and knocked him out, shoving his body into the coffin. As Allen lost consciousness, he heard Cross muttering to himself about finding another pretty dress for his new "lady" friend. Allen's last thought was to curse his master to hell and swear to return with a vengeance.

._.

In Case You Missed It

Attempt: Hiding In The Closet

Ruined By: Coming out of the-

*More bullet wounds*

;_;

Ruined by: The window. Cross saw Allen through the window and grabbed him.

I don't know what to think about this. I'm… I'm just going to go now. Review if you've favorited this story! :D

-leaves-


	19. Chapter 19

101 Attempts- Bedtime Stories

Title: I Think That Story Might Be Rated MA.

Based on Elfen Lied Chapter 68 and 69. You can read it at MangaReader if you want to follow along or don't know what Elfen Lied is.

._.

"... and then the serial killer brought his axe down to lodge the weapon into his victim's skull. The woman's last moments were in fear as her kidnapper murdered her in a grotesque fashion. The killer stood over the body with no emotion reflected within his cold eyes. He gave his victim one last glance before slipping out the broken window and into the night. The end."

Cross Marian concluded his bedtime story to a nine-year-old Allen Walker, who laid in bed clutching onto his sheets. The child broke out into tears and Cross patted him on the head. Satisfied by the positive feedback, Cross stood from his spot on the edge of the bed. He left the room silently and closed the door behind him to find a worried Mana Walker waiting outside. Timcanpy floated around the man's head in circles, hitting the top hat with his tail. The golem stopped and flew back over to Cross, who nodded at Mana to signal that he was done.

"Thank you so much for this," Mana sighed tiredly and rubbed at his eyes. Cross stood beside him and leaned against the wall as he took out his box of cigarettes. "Allen-kun has always had trouble getting to sleep, and nothing I tried would ever work. I have to say, Marian. You must be an amazing children's storyteller for your stories to take effect so quickly, and every time too!"

Cross smiled smugly at the praise. It was only expected of him to be able to tell mind-blowing stories. If he couldn't do that, then how could he call himself a General? He lit one of his cancer sticks while Mana continued on. Cross wasn't exactly listening since nothing that came out of this guy's mouth was ever important, but he kept one of his ears open to give Mana the impression that it was.

"Yeah, the kid liked the story so much he broke down in tears," Cross boasted. It didn't occur to him that Allen had actually been crying tears of fear.

Mana smiled understandingly. "Allen always has been the sensitive type."

The General hummed in agreement and ignored the terrified cries from Allen's room.

"I have a request, though," Mana spoke with a worried glance at the door, equally oblivious to Allen's suffering. Like Cross, he assumed it was because the boy was emotional. "Allen has been having nightmares lately. When we talk about them, he tells me all sorts of disturbing things," the responsible adult voiced his concerns to his friend. "The next time you come over to read him a bedtime story, could you chose the Happy Fluffy Rainbow Unicorn series? Allen really likes those books, so I think reading it to him will settle him down before bed."

Nodding and not making any important connections, Cross agreed to pick up some manga from the nearby bookstore. He had no idea what the hell Mana was talking about, but he was pretty sure he had told him to pick up "Elfen Lied." Cross remembered his first time reading the manga and watching the anime adaption. He had stayed up three days straight just to finish it all in one go. He had to admit; Mana had good tastes when it came to entertainment. Because of him, Cross had discovered Higurashi No Naku Koro Ni, School Days (his favorite part was the ending), Umineko, and stuff like Highschool Of The Dead. Cross liked the parts with the nudity, big boobs, and blood splattering.

Not that Mana even knew about those series. Cross had followed him to the bookstore once and into the adult's section. He wasn't sure what Mana had been looking for that day, but Cross assumed the book contained violence and death like all the others. Cross based all of his stories off of what he read in the store. The first time Mana came to him for help with Allen's refusal to sleep, Cross hadn't been too sure about reading blood and gore to a child. Allen seemed to like it though, since he always broke down in tears, so each time Cross returned with something more violent. He never told the brat's guardian about what he read and told him it was always about girly shit like flowers. Mana never asked questions, opting to wait outside of the room while Cross got Allen to sleep.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Cross bid Mana goodbye, leaving the small home behind him. He made a note to pick up the latest issue of Elfen Lied and disappeared into the night.

._.

The next day Cross stood outside of the small home that belonged to Mana and Allen. At his side, he carried a small paper bag containing tonight's bedtime story along with the receipt. He rang the doorbell and heard Mana's voice from inside the house. A minute later the door opened, Mana standing in the doorway with his usual polite smile. Allen hid behind his adopted father's leg shyly, and scurried away when he saw who it was. He probably was going to brush his teeth before bed or something. Cross exchanged greetings with Mana before the man left for his job.

"Make sure he gets to bed on time," Mana called out to the Exorcist. Cross grunted and waved at the retreating figure. He entered the home, removing his shoes and coat with a sigh. Rather than reading bedtime stories to a little kid, he wanted to be at the bar flirting with beautiful women. Until Mana returned in the morning, he wasn't allowed to do that. He didn't know when he had become a babysitter, but he went with it since Allen was a special case.

Allen was found in the living room at the window. The boy unlocked the window for fresh air, reaching outside for some reason or another. Cross grabbed Allen by his nightshirt and dragged him away. He closed the window and locked it since the house wasn't stuffy. Legs kicked out at him but Cross didn't set the child down.

"We're reading Elfen Lied tonight," Cross informed the boy, who stilled and fell eerily silent. Using Allen's reaction to his own advantage, Cross threw Allen onto the couch where they would have their bedtime story. "I also bought the anime as an extra. I hope you're mature enough; there are apparently naked women with pink hair and horns on their heads. Limbs also get ripped off in every battle scene."

With the warning over, Cross summoned Grave of Maria and used her mind control powers to keep Allen still. That kid had a tendency to run away during story time (for what he assumed was food). Cross would stop him each time and scold him about midnight snacking. While Allen was sitting frozen on the couch, Cross took out the DVD from his bag and inserted it into the movie player. He snatched the remote off of the table and sat beside his idiot to begin reading. On the television the main screen came on, and Cross clicked "play all."

As opening sequence played, Cross opened the latest volume and put his arm around his charge. Allen's head wouldn't look at the screen across from them, so Cross moved it for him. Allen grimaced but Cross didn't see his facial expression, too busy reading the text out loud and describing the action in each panel.

"Alright, so Lucy just got shot in the chest and she's still shouting 'nyuu' and that Nana chick is still naked and shit," Cross pointed to the first panel. Allen looked down at the paper to see what he meant, but glanced back at the television as if he wasn't sure which one to watch. "Chief Kurama is being emo, Lucy turned into the real Lucy, Nana is crying and the assistant woman is being a whore."

Allen tried to look away from both the TV and book, but Cross shoved the manga into his face.

"Lucy lives somehow, even though a bullet wound to the heart should have killed her," Cross explained. Then he flipped the page to speak in a woman's voice for the text bubble. "She says _'If I had woken a moment later, it would've been too late… It even reached my heart…_' and she's making scary faces, but then the Chief is like '_I'm so going to kill you_.'"

"But that's not what he's saying in the-"

"I DON'T CARE!" Cross shouted and Allen winced. "Then the Nana girl jumps in front of the Chief dude and she's still naked as hell. I mean, you can even see her-" he stopped himself, doubting Allen even knew what that body part was. "Never mind. Next chapter," he announced. "So Lucy is still making scary faces and Nana is still naked. Then the Chief's _biological _daughter, Mariko, snaps into her psycho mass murderer mode and it's totally awesome, but she's refusing to kill her dad."

"Why would she do that?" Allen exclaimed. "You haven't even read the first chapter to me! Why did you start at _sixty-nine?_ That makes no sense to start here," he complained, then motioned to the television. "Anyways, I don't even want to watch this..."

"Sorry, what was that last part?" Cross glared. "I couldn't hear you over the sound of limbs being torn off on the screen."

Allen scowled and went back to sitting back quietly, like a good kid. Cross resumed his retelling of the story and blocked out the terrified screaming of the characters.

"Mariko is homicidal again and her thirty vector arm things throw Lucy at the railing, but Lucy bounces back and calls the little armless pink-haired girl a piece of shit. Then Mariko beats the fuck out of Lucy. The cellphone with the deactivation code to the bomb in Mariko gets broken because of Lucy, so Mariko not only loses her legs, but she's about to go KABOOM!" Cross laughed, pointing at the legs that had been ripped off of the girl's body. "Isn't this the best manga ever?"

Allen did not deign to respond to Cross's rhetorical question.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Climbing out the window

Foiled by: Grave of Maria mind control

I hope you enjoyed Cross's re-telling of the "Most Gory Anime Ever." I thought a while ago about the types of manga each character would read, and I figured Cross would go for the violent ones with inappropriate content, then bother Allen with it. Thus, this chapter was born.

Also, this is what I meant by "the more violent" chapters O_o There's more of these and I have no other choice to post them, because I lost some of my files when my flash drive broke Dx (I'll have to rewrite them now... at least I have the rest of summer) ! I have some chapters ready on my computer, but since they were the violent ones, I'm editing them for posting. It's not too much trouble, though it's kind of annoying ._.

Review if you feel sorry for Allen :D


	20. Chapter 20

101 Attempts- 100th Reviewer Request

Title: Yeah, That's Not Going To Work Either.

Title #2: So _That's_ How Kanda Feels.

A/N: Sorry this is late Dx ! This chapter is for TheBeanButCallMeBee, who submitted the 100th review like… a long time ago ._. And no, this isn't slash. This chapter is an extreme act of desperation.

I'm so sorry, male readers who are still out there Dx ! Please forgive me?

._.

"Lavi, this isn't going to work," Allen Walker complained. He stood beside his friend outside of a club, their arms linked and the both of them in disguise. Behind them was Link Howard, Allen's supervisor, who didn't question what they were doing or why. Allen looked down at his attire and sighed, unable to believe that he would sink this low as to dress as a woman.

Yes, that's right.

He, Allen Walker, was dressed as a woman. His "date," Lavi, was dressed normally only he had dyed his hair and put on clothes to dance in. Desperation had driven Allen to asking his friends for help in escaping his master, but this had been Link's "brilliant idea." Allen hadn't wanted to put on the skirt, stockings, female button-up shirt, hair growth potion, _or _concealer to hide his scar, but agreed quickly when he learned his visits with Cross Marian would be become daily.

While it was good that the Black Order was trusting the two of them again, Allen really didn't want to see his master. Nightmares plagued his dreams of the growing mountain of debt, and prevented Allen from having a goodnight's rest. Often he woke up screaming and thrashing about in bed, only to be shaken awake by his temporary roommate. When Allen opened up to his guardian, Link (surprisingly) was the one to suggest they leave the Order for a daytrip and ditch Cross. After getting permission to go into the city, Komui advised that Allen wear a disguise. Komui explained that if he was going to hide, that he should change himself completely.

During the meeting, Lavi just happened to be passing by. When he overheard the plan, he had intruded to offer his assistance. With the help of the science division, Lavi returned moments later with a box containing Allen's disguise, and with a quick peek at the contents Komui quickly approved the outfit. Allen was then shoved into his room and told to dress up. He opened the box, but then he saw just what was inside.

It took him hours to finally submit and put on the clothes. The outfit consisted of a tiny black miniskirt, two chains that hung on the left side, a black long-sleeved and button-up shirt that stopped just at the rim of the skirt (much to his discomfort, flashing his slim waist). His left hand was covered by a skin-colored glove that made it seem as if nothing was wrong with it. The stockings he wore were fishnet, and the shoes… Allen didn't even want to look at them. With the science division's hair tonic, his white hair grew past his shoulders. He left it down, but the two clumps on the side of his head remained the same length, reminding him of his favorite character in the manga D. Red Girl*, and that other series, Pandora Legs**. Since he resembled both characters, and their names were both Alice, Allen changed his name to "Alice" for the rest of the day.

For once in his life, Allen was glad that he possessed a feminine figure ***. His form had caused him all sorts of trouble and confusion in the past, but today it was helping him. After Lavi and Link were satisfied that Allen didn't look like "Allen" anymore, and a member of the opposite sex, they left the Black Order to head into the city. Allen kept quiet the entire time since he didn't know how to imitate a woman's voice, keeping his arm linked with his "date" while Link tagged along as the "third wheel."

They discovered a club in the afternoon and Allen was begging Lavi not to take them inside, but the redhead ignored him. Allen doubted that Lavi was even trying to help him; he just seemed to want to party hard. The club was preparing for the dancing while the DJ set up his equipment, so they waited at the stools in front of the bar. Before coming here they'd eaten, so they pretended to be legal (at least Allen did) and ordered alcohol.

Allen sat between Lavi and Link, seeing as how the two were with him to "protect" him. Lavi sat on his right and Link on his left. Lavi kept his arm around Allen's shoulders to keep up their couple façade, whereas Link played the part of the neglected third wheel. Above them the TV showed the news and they got to discussing politics. Allen didn't understand what his friends were saying, but let Lavi and Link battle out their beliefs. It wasn't like anything he said would settle the two drunks. Earlier he tried to jump into the conversation, but he made it worse.

He sighed and sipped from his beer mug. The appeal to alcohol was and would forever be a mystery to him; it smelled strong and tasted bitter. With a quick glance at the clock, he saw that the meeting he's been scheduled with Cross (and ditched) started. Allen doubted Cross was even going notice his absence; Cross was probably busy getting hammered.

Clubbing music suddenly blasted through the speakers. Allen accidently choked on his drink but forced it down, Lavi's hand patting his back to help him. He muttered his thanks and wiped his mouth.

"Do you guys want to dance?" Allen intervened in the miniature politics war. He motioned towards the crowd that gathered on the dance floor. The normal lights dimmed and colors flashed above to the beat of the song.

"I'm not sure if that's a good idea," Link nudged Allen's side, pointing to the club's entrance. "Over there."

Allen turned around to look in the direction Link pointed in. Young adults filtered inside, couples and groups of friends chatting animatedly. However, there was one man who entered the club, sweeping his gaze across the room. Long red hair was tied back in a ponytail, the first few buttons at the top of his dress shirt unbuttoned and loose, wearing black slacks and accompanied by a golden golem was none other than Cross Marian. A scream bubbled up in his throat, but with the help of the two beside him, Allen was able to hold it back as he twisted his head away.

"Why is he here?" Allen whispered frantically as he ducked his head. Lavi scooted closer to shield his "date" while Link pretended he was unaffiliated with the "girl" on the stool next to him.

"He must be looking for you," Link answered quietly, but loud enough for Allen to hear over the music. "I don't see his bodyguards anywhere though."

Lavi glanced out of the corner of his eye to look back at the General. Cross leaned against the wall with his hands in his pocket, ordering Timcanpy to fly over the crowd. He waited, staring at the cluster of people as he took out his box of cigarettes. He glanced their way and Lavi looked away quickly.

"Your master is going to recognize us," Lavi told his friend, wrapping his arm tighter around him protectively. "He knows what we look like; he might realize you're-"

A yelp escaped Lavi when a hand grabbed him, throwing him away while a man climbed onto his seat. Allen froze when a hand grabbed his chin, tilting up his head to lock gazes with none other than his master. Allen smiled nervously, but Cross didn't seem to know it was him because he wore a flirtatious grin on his face.

"Well hello there, cutie," he wagged his eyebrows suggestively, eye glinting under the lights while Allen panicked. "I couldn't help but notice you sitting here all alone at the bar." Cross threw his arm around Allen's shoulders, hand planting itself on his side and sliding down to his hip where his fingers twitched. Allen shivered uncomfortably and suddenly understood how Kanda felt at times when people mistook him for a woman. Cross leaned in to bring his mouth to Allen's ear, minty breath blowing against it as he spoke. "What's your name, sweetheart?"

Allen was about to say that he wasn't alone, when Cross's leg kicked the inspector off of his stool. Link fell off the chair and joined a stunned Lavi on the floor while Allen sent them a pleading look. Cross recaptured Allen's attention by forcing his chin around, his face just inches away from his. The white-haired "girl" wanted to cry as he was pulled to sit on the man's lap, heart pounding painfully in fear.

"Err, my name is Alice," he lied in a higher-pitched voice. He hoped he at least sounded like a tomboyish girl. "And I wasn't alone, I was on a date-"

"With me!" Lavi cut in, standing and moving around Cross to sit beside the two, stealing Allen's hand to tug him away.

Cross ignored Lavi as if he were an annoying fly. He wrapped his arms around Allen's waist much to the boy's horror. His stomach did a flip, and he wasn't sure if he felt sick because of the harassment or alcohol.

"You look like someone I know," Cross mused, twirling Allen's hair with his finger. "Have you seen a boy with white hair and silver eyes like yours?" he questioned, releasing the stand of hair to collect information. "He has a scar on the left side of his face. Hard to miss."

Allen's face twitched but he shook his head in the negative. "Sorry, but I would have remembered a boy like that. Why are you looking for him?"

"We're supposed to see each other today," Cross answered, flagging down the bartender and ordering a beer. This made Allen wish he could faint. He really didn't want to watch his master drink.

He pretended to be interested. "Oh, I see," he smirked to himself. "You're divorced, aren't you? I'm sorry," Allen apologized. Behind him Cross tensed but didn't say anything. "You're not the only father out there whose child hates him. Don't worry too much about it; there's bound to be a strain in the relationship after divorce."

Allen glanced at the friend beside him and saw that Lavi looked like he was about to burst into laughter. He punched Lavi but Cross didn't notice.

"Something like that," he muttered after a while.

_Oh really?_ Allen thought smugly.

"You should just forget about him," Allen suggested with a smile stretched across his face. "If he doesn't want to see you, there's nothing you can do. He'll only hate you more than he already does."

"Hate me?" Cross questioned, reaching out for his drink when the bartender returned with his order. Allen was surprised that his words were getting across to his master for once, and decided to continue on.

"Yeah," Allen piped up cheerfully, praying that his plan would work. If he was lucky, he could get Cross to stay away from him. "There's a reason why he doesn't like you. You should stop pushing your debts onto him. Also, he probably wants you to be a little nicer. And stop drinking and smoking all the time," he added to his list of complaints.

There was a long silence on Cross's part.

"… How do you know I do all of those things?" he demanded.

Lavi quickly came to Allen's rescue. "Alice is psychic," he explained. "It surprised me too at first, but everything she says is true."

Link reclaimed his seat. Cross looked at him, then at Lavi, and then at the "girl" on his lap. Timcanpy returned from the crowd with a party hat on his head, chewing on a noisemaker and covered in confetti. He landed on Allen's shoulder, swallowing the toy. The golem stared at Allen with the intent to kill, opening his mouth threateningly. Allen was ready to run for dear life, but Cross was still oblivious.

"You didn't find Allen?" Cross complained. "He's your master, how can you _not_ find him?"

Timcanpy continued to stare at Allen.

"Uhm, I'm going to go dance now," Allen excused himself, twisting out of his master's hold before he could make the connection. His chest bumped into Cross's arms and he broke free. Lavi led him to the dance floor as Link followed close behind.

Allen sighed in relief when they merged with the crowd. He made a mental note to take a shower when he returned to the Order. Then he remembered how close Cross had come to his face (while under the impression Allen was a woman) and shivered. '_Make that ten showers_,' he thought with the urge to scratch off his skin.

He turned and almost jumped when he caught Cross still staring at him. Allen grabbed Lavi's hand and motioned for them to go further into the crowd. The mass was grinding around them, moving to the beat and thrusting their hands into the air. Allen's stomach did another flip when he saw just how the adults danced these days. Lavi didn't expect him to do that, did he?

"To the corner," Allen requested in a panic. He looked back again and saw Cross abandon his drink at the bar to follow after them. The General's face set into a scowl, glaring at the retreating backs of the trio. "Faster!" he hissed.

Lavi pushed past the crowd and took Allen to a booth in the corner. Allen slid into the booth so he sat on the inside. Lavi kept his back to the crowd and Link stood in front of them so they could pretend to make-out. Hands grabbed his face and Lavi leaned in so close that it looked like they were actually doing something. They faked love-making noises and Allen put his arms around his friend, hoping things wouldn't get awkward when this was over.

Unfortunately, Lavi was grabbed and thrown out of the booth. Cross glared murderously and picked Allen up by the hem of his shirt. Allen gulped, face bright red and guilty. Timcanpy hit him on the head with his tail, floating down to Allen's ear to whisper death threats.

"Allen, what are you doing in that stupid getup?" Cross snapped, shaking his apprentice and ignoring the fact he had just flirted with the "girl" moments ago. Allen felt himself shrinking in fear, and reached out for the Bookman and inspector.

"I know this looks bad," Allen stammered, "but I can explain!"

Cross drew Judgment from its holster and pressed the gun against Allen's forehead.

"You better," he threatened.

Timcanpy growled in agreement.

Allen gulped.

'_I'm so dead_.'

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Cross-dressing at a club.

Foiled by: Cross touching Allen's chest and realizing there was no… chest. You know what I mean.

* That would be our "D. Gray Man"

** "Pandora Legs" = "Pandora Hearts" In my defense, if you've read the series, Allen looks a lot like the White Alice but acts like the Black Alice (being gluttons, the age mystery, having memory issues, seeing suffering of monsters –Alice and the Chains, Allen and the akuma- not knowing who they are, and so forth. But then Hoshino made Allen a boy- remember Zone?- which makes them contrast) The similarity is so strong that I'm suspecting conspiracy.

*** Again with the cliché of "Allen Walker is effeminate." I know he was originally a girl, but still, it's ridiculous how many people endorse that.

A/N: HOLY CRAP I WROTE THIS UNDER FOUR HOURS! NO BETA READER EITHER 8D !

Not that I even have a beta reader, lol.

Review if you are impressed ;)


	21. Chapter 21

101 Attempts: Cross vs Socalo

Title: That's Not How You Play Rock-Paper-Scissors

-Uploading because I have six chapters written and ready to post-

So this idea came about when I thought of an alternate universe where Socalo was somewhat like Cross and had a soft interior under his spiky shell of steel doom :\ He's still scary though.

Alright, I admit it. The beginning of this chapter isn't very funny. Just wait until the end, though :O

FALCON PUNCH

._.

Allen Walker was crying.

Not that this wasn't normal for him, but he cried harder than usual as he ran deeper into the forest that he and his new master had been training in for days on end. He was only recently turned ten years old, but this crazy man had expected him to be fast enough to dodge bullets. The first time Allen had nearly lost an eye and had his brains blown out. His master, Cross Marian, began to fire without warning while cackling sinisterly with his golden golem hot on Allen's tail. Even if he escaped his master's range, he would still have to worry about the golem eating him. As time passed the training worsened and by the time he snapped, Allen could barely stand on his own two legs. Cross had called for a short break, and an angered Allen had punched his master in the stomach before ditching the doubled over man. At that point the child had been ready to break down and so he did as he ran away. He didn't even understand why they were doing this or why he had gone along with whatever that redheaded demon had told him for the past few months since Mana's death. Today, though he should have realized sooner, that his master was the very definition of "jackass."

Timcanpy hadn't chased after him in favor of mocking Cross, who swore at his retreating apprentice. This was Allen's first time running away, so he didn't think that his cruel master would bother going after him. Without worrying about being chased down, Allen escaped further into the dark forest as the sun set. Truth be told, he was a little scared of the world with no light. With the trees blocking the diminishing sunlight, panic gripped at him and urged him to get out before anything bad happened to him (like being shot at again). Allen stumbled over a tree root that protruded from the ground. He scraped his knee against the wood and he let out a yelp as he hit the forest floor. The boy struggled to get back up to his feet that were weak from the intense training. Using the trunk of the tree as support, Allen regained his footing to continue in his escape.

As the evening sun disappeared below the horizon, Allen could see the clouds painted a beautiful mixture of pink and orange through an opening in the sky. Allen slowed in his pace to admire the view as his crying subsided to small sniffles. After such a brutal training session, this was a sight for his sore eyes. He smiled weakly at the darkening sky and continued in his search for an exit. There had to be a way out of here; Allen was sure that they hadn't gone too deep into the forest for training. Though when taking in the distance run during the training, he wasn't sure where that put him. He sighed in frustration and wished there was a map he could use. He also found himself wishing he had never agreed to being Cross Marian's apprentice, but what good would wishing do? His only option was to keep going.

Allen thought of their location and tried to remember how far away the nearest city was. Upon reaching civilization, Allen planned on returning to his old life. Living on the streets or with the circus didn't bother him one bit. He had done it before and he could do it again! It would be easier this time around, because Allen had learned how to gamble and cheat at cards. Money wasn't something he would have to worry about as he resumed his lonely lifestyle. Allen pouted at the thought of being all alone again, but clenched his tiny fists as if tapping into his inner self for some sort of hidden strength. That was when the sunlight was eroded by the black sky and he curled into a ball on the ground. Never mind, he couldn't do it. He was weak and admittedly so. He used to be much stronger than this, dang it.

Now, at this point Allen was an innocent boy who unlike his master had manners. Allen modeled himself after his late adopted father unintentionally so his true personality was masked, but still. Ten-year-old Allen Walker at this time was a little boy who loved to eat, sleep, and make friends to ease the earlier lonely years of his life. He didn't know how to curse (but he was learning rather quickly courtesy of his master) and he didn't know about what a normal life was like. What he did know was very limited, as he had never received a proper education. He wasn't sure if street smarts counted as intelligence, but he had that if anything. All in all, Allen was (sort of but not really) like any other orphan boy (which there were many of) born and raised in London. He was only different because of his hair, eyes, weapon hand, and pretty much everything that made him up physically. Ignoring his outer appearance, he liked to pretend he was normal.

Yes. Allen was as normal as he could be until he met General Winters Socalo.

Little Allen tripped over another one of nature's traps that sent him crashing into a large man in heavy armor. Allen refrained from screaming when he looked up at the imposing figure towering over him. The man was wearing a scary mask covering his entire face, but he had the same golden stripes on his clothing as Allen's master, black clothing donning the same crest. On both shoulders sat two metal and spiked rings. There was minimal skin exposure, but the skin that showed was a dark brown. A hostile air radiated from the stranger and Allen at that moment wished he had just stayed with his master.

"I'm sorry!" Allen didn't hesitate to apologize as he scrambled to his feet, quickly excusing himself while his worn out legs protested against the movement. A gruff hand grabbed him by the hem of his torn up shirt to stop him from leaving. Allen was afraid that this man was in cahoots with his master, because they were both equally intimidating and wore about the same uniform. Allen was held from the stranger's face at arm's length as his feet dangled below him. Even the hold the two used were the same. Allen wasn't sure who he feared more as dark eyes inspected his battered form. He averted his gaze when their eyes met and kept quiet while the man burned holes into him. Allen bit down on his lip, a nervous habit of his that caused him to bleed.

The stranger was aware of his discomfort and seemed to be amused by it. Allen didn't see the twitching of the man's mouth behind the mask as he was violently swung around in the air. Allen screamed this time and was dropped to the forest floor once he showed his fear. Something told him that that was the exact reaction the stranger had been waiting for, because the hostile waves vanished while the buff man crouched down beside him. Allen's left hand was taken and rotated for closer inspection. Satisfied by what he saw, the stranger gave the tiny cross on the back of the child's hand one last look before releasing it.

"So who tried to kill you, kid?" the man inquired in a gruff voice that matched his appearance. He sat Indian style beside the runaway and placed his hands on his knees as he rocked back and forth slightly. Allen blinked at the sudden change in attitude but responded anyways. It wasn't like he had anything to lose. He would just need to be careful about what he said since the man before him was still a stranger.

"My master," Allen responded cautiously. He waited a few seconds for a response but received none. He continued. "We were training for the first time but he went overboard."

"And you abandoned him?"

Allen nodded.

"I don't like him at all. He's mean, he yells a lot, drinks like there's no tomorrow and makes me pay all of his debts," Allen complained with a small huff. He brought his knees up to his chest to wrap his arms around them. Thinking about his master made him angry and he couldn't help but resort to childish behavior. Allen flashed back to the man he had punched earlier and his stomach churned when he considered the possible punishments for resistance. He comforted himself with the fact that he _wouldn't _be found and that he had yet to be discovered.

The stranger nodded at him.

"He sounds familiar. What's his name?"

Allen rubbed his itchy eyes before answering. All that crying made him tired and irritable. "His name is Cross Marian. He's insane."

The man let out a bark like laugh that startled the small boy. "So that bastard is around here?" He shook his head and got to his feet, pulling Allen up along with him. Allen was thrown over the shoulders and he gulped at the spikes that nearly impaled him. "It's funny to think he actually tried to do his job. How did you get away from him? That bastard isn't _that_ pathetic to let a little runt escape from him."

Allen grinned, certain that this man didn't like Cross either. "I punched him in the gut and ran for it," he said proudly.

The stranger let out another bark like laugh that rang in Allen's ears.

"I like you, kid. My name is Winters Socalo, and I'm a general at the Black Order," the stranger finally introduced himself. "Since I've captured you, you are now my apprentice."

"Ehm, my name is Allen Walker," Allen greeted nervously. Apprentice? No, he didn't want to be anyone's apprentice anymore! Allen struggled to break free but was held down with ease. When he resigned, he at least told himself that this general was better than Cross attitude-wise.

The general pretended not to hear that.

"I'm going to call you '_runt_,'" he informed Allen. "You can call me '_master_' or some shit like that."

Ten-year-old Allen pursed his lips at the thought of calling anyone but that red-headed demon 'master.' The word was almost associated with evil now, and Allen knew his new mentor wasn't that bad. Even as he did begin to talk about killing and blood. Allen sighed but then an idea struck him.

"Master, can I call you 'Big Brother Socalo' instead?" he asked animatedly. He wasn't about to get his expectations too high here, but he never had the chance in the past to refer to anyone as such. Mana had been the closest, and now he was gone. Allen waited patiently for the General's rejection or approval, twisting his head around to see the other's face.

The general scratched his head but refused to make eye contact as he carried his captive further away from the center of the endless woods. Allen hung his head in disappointment and closed his eyes since he knew it would take a while until they found an exit. He shouldn't have asked. He berated himself for not having kept his mouth shut and scolded himself mentally when he heard the general clear his throat to speak.

"Y- yeah... Sure, whatever you want, runt."

Allen smiled.

._.

A month passed and to General Winters Socalo, his new apprentice changed drastically. Initially the runt had been spineless and prone to tears. Socalo hadn't liked that part of him, but during the first week as Allen finished Cross Marian's debts, Socalo discovered Allen's "dark side." While taking a break at a bar, Socalo bore witness to the ten-year-old boy gambling at cards and winning without much competition. Little devil horns had sprouted from his head and Socalo had never remembered being so proud of a pupil before. The way his pupil had outmatched and horribly humiliated men decades older than him had brought a smile to his face as Allen cackled a victory laugh. He understood why for once the redheaded General had taken up an apprentice when he had never done so in the past. Allen really could be a demon when he wanted to, hell he could _stay_ one if he tried. However, much to Socalo's disappointment, Allen kept the mask of an angel on during his everyday life. That was a shame.

Personality-wise, Allen was a devil in disguise but that didn't worry the Mexican general. In fact, he planned on exploiting the evil potential inside. Just the thought of setting the boy loose on the battlefield made him want to hurry up the training so he could watch the results. For now, he kept patient with the saying "patience is its own reward" in mind. If he was thorough in their training, Allen could become the devil incarnate. He would be this little kid striking his opponents down left and right as if they were pesky flies. _How cute_, he thought as he watched Allen win another round of cards and collect his winnings. He didn't know why Allen continued gambling, but Socalo had no problem with it since it brought in quick money. It was probably just a habit now, he convinced himself as he watched Allen challenge the losers once again. The idiots accepted the challenge and Socalo sighed from his seat at the bar. Those men just didn't know when to quit. Socalo waved the bartender over and ordered another drink.

It wasn't just the runt's personality that changed, but his appetite and tastes had as well. At first he had thought the eating was due to the parasitic Innocence, but Allen turned out to be a bit of a glutton. With no more debts to pay, Allen had been at a loss as to what to do with the cash that piled up. They certainly couldn't carry it around with them; there was just too much money. They donated to orphanages and hospitals; stayed in expensive hotels, and so on but none of that put so much as a small dent in the stacks of cash. That was when they began training and Allen ate more than ever. Socalo had pointed out that eat just vegetables wouldn't sate his hunger, and so he introduced Allen to the world of meat. Vegetables were for sissies and meat was for real men, in his opinion.

Feeding Allen meat may or may not have been a mistake. Allen had fallen in love with it instantly, much to his relief (he was NOT going to be teaching any vegetable-eating sissies). Socalo tried to feed Allen bloody steaks, but that always seemed to scare the boy for some reason. Otherwise Allen loved to eat it. He seemed to like pork the most at the moment, as he asked for it after long days of training. The kid would jump up and down with hearts in his eyes, screaming "Pork!" with a small trail of drool dripping from his mouth as they visited the butcher. He ate chicken, fish, beef and so on, forgetting about his love for greens to the point where he completely rejected them. Again, Socalo was proud of the apprentice he had stolen from his rival. Even though Allen ate so much that it was a bit of a turn-off, Socalo didn't mind because he understood the appeal of meat.

Overall, Allen was someone that even he, Winters Socalo, could enjoy just being nearby.

But _then…_

The door to the bar flung open and Socalo looked up from the game Allen was participating in. A man with long red hair stormed inside with a familiar murderous look in his eyes. Socalo grinned and activated his Innocence in response. In a split second, both men were at each other's throats and ready to kill. The customers screamed at the sudden display of violence, where as Allen used this distraction to change the cards in his hands to his advantage. He wasn't phased by the violence, rather he was so used to it that he probably considered it to be a regular part of his life.

Socalo turned his attention back to his opponent. Cross Marian had drawn his gun and kept it pointed at Socalo's forehead, while he had his own weapon ready to decapitate the general.

"If you're here for Allen," he began slowly, bringing his weapon closer as warning, "you'll be leaving empty handed. He's my apprentice now, and I plan on using him for world domination." *

"He's my property," Cross scowled. He pressed the gun's barrel against his forehead and tightened his finger on the trigger. "If you don't give him back, I can't be held accountable for how bad I'm going to mess you up."

"Oh yeah?" Socalo taunted. "Let's fight for him then."

"Loser never gets to see him again," Cross stated the loser's terms. "Winner gets the apprentice whether he likes it or not."

Allen looked up at this and was about to protest against being treated as an object, when the two generals simultaneously told him to shut up. The began to back out of the bar, while Allen stayed inside with the golem known as Timcanpy. The boy frowned but kept quiet, returning to gambling with his poker buddies.

"I'll be right back," Socalo told Allen.

"Okay," Allen chirped. "Good luck, Socalo-nii-sama!" **

Cross raised one eyebrow at the name. Socalo was suddenly glad that he was wearing a mask, because his coworker would have laughed at him, had he seen his expression. The Mexican man glared through the eye slits and dared Cross to say something. He didn't.

"Wait right here, brat," Socalo ordered. "Don't leave until we come back."

Allen nodded, and out the door the two generals went.

._.

Allen waited at the pub for three days with permission from the manager. He continued to play poker and successfully cheated each time, winning all of the money on the table in each game. Bored and tired, Allen took a break in the manager's office and was allowed to sleep in the recliner chair kept in the corner. The manager pitied him for being left under the care of two violent men (offering to even call the police) but Allen assured him that he would be fine. He was just worried about who would win.

Neither Cross nor Socalo returned from their battle so far, and today was the fourth day. Allen wondered how it was physically possible for two men to fight so long, but he supposed anything was could happen to those who wielded Innocence. He wished he could see just what sort of duel they were having. Since they were both powerful people though, being anywhere near their battlegrounds would be dangerous.

_That must be some epic battle_, he thought as he curled on the recliner chair. Timcanpy decided to be nice and nuzzled his face without the snarling or death threats. He was about to fall asleep, but then the office door opened. He stared through half-lidded eyes as two figures approached. They seemed to be verbally attacking each other, but stopped when Timcanpy growled at them.

A hand shook his shoulder to wake him up fully. Allen opened his eyes and rubbed them to see two beaten-up generals standing before him.

"What happened?" Allen exclaimed worriedly, sitting up and pushing Cross out of his face to rush over to Socalo. He tugged onto the man's torn up uniform and frowned when he saw the damage. He knew both men were powerful, but he didn't think they would come back _this_ hurt. At least, he hoped Socalo wouldn't; Allen didn't care about Cross.

Socalo sighed and knelt down to Allen's level, placing his large hands on Allen's small shoulders to deliver the bad news.

"I lost," Socalo informed the young boy. His pride was damaged from losing the battle, but it wasn't destroyed. _Like my heart is from being separated from my apprentice, _he wanted to add, but he threw that womanly thought out the window. _Only sissies think about that kind of shit_, he thought. Sissy thoughts weren't welcome in his head. "I tried, runt, I really did. But in the end, Cross won."

Tears welled up in his eyes and he hugged Socalo, crying into his torn uniform. Meanwhile, Socalo looked to Cross who was as motionless as a statue, hands still reaching to where Allen had been. He snickered at his rival's shock over Allen completely rejecting him.

"I-I'm just glad you're alive," Allen whimpered through heavy sobbing. "You were gone for _four _days! Four! Don't you need a hospital?"

"Look kid, weird shit happens when you accommodate Innocence," Cross said as he unfroze from his awkward stance, but Allen ignored him (again).

Socalo repeated exactly what Cross said and Allen listened.

"Really?" he sniffed.

Cross glared at Socalo but said nothing.

"Yeah," he nodded and ruffled the midget's hair. Allen at the tears in his eyes and clung to the Mexican general as he explained. "That was one intense Rock-Paper-Scissors match. We're lucky we both got out alive."

Allen was quiet for a long time, staring at Socalo in disbelief. When he spoke, his pathetic face changed to a nice, furious one.

"WHAT?" he screamed. "Are you kidding me? You nearly got killed playing ROCK-PAPER-_SCISSORS_?"

Allen couldn't believe this. The two strongest men he knew had almost died playing a hand game, a hand game that lasted over three days? How was that possible?

"Clearly you don't understand our version of rock-paper-scissors," Socalo shook his head and released the angry boy, who looked ready to murder the both of them on spot. "First, we shout '_rock'_ and whoever can survive Rebecca Black's 'Friday' on loop for the longest time wins. Cross won that one because cheated by using Grave of Maria. Then, we shout '_paper_,' and we try to flatten each other. Since that wasn't physically possible at the time, I burned off Cross's hair and I won that round. After we shout '_scissors,_' we play 'Just Dance' on the Wii to see who gets the highest score," he explained to a silent Allen. "For reasons we won't disclose, the winner has not been decided as of yet, so we've declared that round a tie."

"… Then how did Cross win?" Allen scowled at the mention of the winner, who stole Allen's seat and sat with his legs crossed on the recliner chair.

"Well, after you shout 'rock-paper-scissors,' you know what comes next, right?" Socalo waited for Allen to nod. "You say _'shoot_.' And since I didn't have a gun to shoot with, I lost."

"…"

Cross picked up Allen up from the floor and sat him on his knee. Socalo said his final goodbyes to the boy, though he was sure they would meet some time in the future at the Order. Allen broke down in tears again as the Mexican general left, leaving him all alone with the man he hated the most in the world.

Timcanpy settled on Allen's head and nestled in his hair. He swung his tail back and forth in front of Allen's face. Cross toyed with his now short hair and sighed. It would grow back eventually; he just had to make sure he didn't return to the Order anytime soon. Like… in a couple years. He made a mental note to get back at General Socalo when he got the chance. Lifting his knee, he sent Allen sliding backwards into him to sit on his lap. Allen didn't respond, too upset over being separated from Socalo.

Cross pursed his lips. Did Allen hate him _that_ much?

He sighed. That really couldn't be helped; he loved to torment the kid. Allen sniffed and cried, but not because of Cross. Well, that wasn't acceptable. He would have to change that.

"You never call _me _'big-brother Cross,'" he complained with a hint of jealousy in his voice.

Allen turned to look at him with those pathetic, wide, and crying eyes of his. He cried harder.

Cross smirked_._

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Punching Cross and being 'adopted' by General Socalo

Foiled by: Cross winning at 'Rock-Paper-Scissors.'

* Seems like something Socalo would want.

** "Big brother Socalo" :)

Alright… there isn't enough of Socalo's character in D. Gray Man to write him properly, but I took a chance and winged it. I hope it was okay.

I'm out of cookies right now. Could someone provide me with some? There are no more left in the cookie jar, and I need my cookies to write ;_; I'm lost and I'm scared. I don't even know where I am right now; I was ambushed and kidnapped by writer's block when I traveled to the kitchen by myself.

Please save me ;_;


	22. Chapter 22

101 Attempts – The Conspiracy Theorist

Title: It's A Legit Answer

A/N: This might turn into a two-shot… I'm not sure.

This is going to be a long one. If I get seven reviews in my inbox following the chapter, I'll double post. If I get fourteen in total, I'll triple post. And If by some miracle I get 185 + reviews, I will quadruple post. It doesn't have to be on this chapter alone; you can go back and review every chapter. People who review every chapter = instant love :)

-sigh-

._.

Lenalee was worried about Allen.

_Lavi _was worried about Allen.

Link was _somewhat_ worried about Allen.

Kanda didn't seem to care.

And it was all Cross's fault everyone was so worked up in the first place.

._.

Lenalee entered the cafeteria and ordered her usual meal from Jerry the cook. Upon entering, she found her friend sitting at the table closest to the corner. The white-haired exorcist sat beside the ever-present Link, but there was something strange about the scene, and she wasn't the only one to notice. The Black Order staff nearby the table whispered amongst themselves as if trying to spot the difference. The Chinese woman approached the table with a polite smile, deciding to sit with Allen today.

"Good morning," she greeted cheerfully. Allen dragged his head up from the tables and smiled weakly. "Can I sit here?"

She wasn't sure if there would be enough room for her, what with all of the stacks of papers. Link moved them aside silently and that was when Lenalee realized that Allen wasn't eating. She gasped and nearly stumbled backwards in shock, racing around the table to shake her friend's shoulders. Allen's body was limp, barely responsive, and under his eyes were heavy shadows.

The British boy yawned and rubbed his eyes. Lenalee looked to Link for an explanation. There couldn't possibly be that much paper for Allen to sign, could there? Allen had told her before that it had managed to keep him awake for two days straight at one time.

"Link-san, what happened to Allen-kun?" she exclaimed.

Allen's stomach grumbled loudly.

"That," the inspector answered. "He hasn't been in the mood to either sleep or eat."

Lenalee frowned and patted Allen on the head. Timcanpy snuck out from under Allen's clothes, flying up to her and settling on top of her head. The golem stared at his current owner worriedly, but didn't seem to know what to do. When she thought about it, Allen had been like this for a while. The youngest Exorcist hadn't been as lively lately, but Lenalee passed that off as stress from all of the sudden changes.

"Hey guys how's it-" came the casual voice of Lavi, that stopped midsentence to scream in horror at their table. "HOLY _SHIT,_ ALLEN ISN'T EATING ANYTHING! Get the stretcher, stat!"

Ten seconds later, the paramedics arrived to take Allen to the medical ward. Lenalee rushed beside the stretcher with Lavi on the other side. Link trailed behind them with his papers, while Jerry the cook was informed to make some food for his favorite customer. When they reached the infirmary, they were ordered to stay outside. Allen not eating was a serious matter.

Lenalee sat between the two males to keep Lavi from harassing Link, and waited patiently for the nurse to come out with the news. To their surprise, the redheaded general known as Cross Marian approached the room where his apprentice was receiving treatment. He was about to knock on the door when Link stopped him.

"You are not permitted to see Allen Walker. Return to your room at once," Link ordered.

The General glared. "He might die. Are you really going to argue with me when his _life _is at risk?"

"I see. So you were granted an audience with Walker before he dies," Link nodded understandingly. Lenalee didn't understand how he had translated that, but she went along with it. There was no time to think about trivial matters; Allen might die here. "Fine. You'll have to wait like the rest of us, though."

Cross pushed all of them off of the bench and forced them to stand by the door. He offered to let Lenalee sit on his lap, but she declined the offer since her brother would end up killing the General_. Though if Komui doesn't, _she thought, _Apocryphos will_.

"I wonder how this happened," Lavi hummed and childishly kicked out his legs. "He didn't even have a snack in front of him."

"Walker skipped his regular midnight snack, four pre-breakfast snacks, and his actual breakfast," Link informed them. Lenalee's breath hitched and her eyes widened, almost bulging out of her skull. That long? What was the inspector thinking! How could he let such a thing happen?

"You bastard!" Cross shouted angrily at the two-dot. "That's deadly for him. If Allen doesn't eat once eight hours, he'll _die,_" he stressed. "Allen will die if you don't feed him regularly. That's how the parasitic types work!"

"But Krory doesn't eat that much, and neither does Klaud Nine," Lenalee pointed out. If anyone, Krory would be the one needing food. He did have _teeth _as a weapon. The amount of food Allen ate compared to the other parasitic types was ridiculous. She was surprised Allen wasn't getting fat at the rate he was consuming meals. She decided to voice her opinions. "Isn't it possible that Allen is just a glutton?"

They took a moment to consider that.

"Nah," Cross drawled. Then he pursed his lips and reconsidered. "Maybe."

The door opened and the Head Nurse stepped outside to inform them of Allen's condition. Lenalee anxiously clutched her uniform while the others gave the old woman their full attention. The assistants flooded out into the hall behind her, which set Lenalee at ease when she saw their smiling faces.

"Your friend will live. Just make sure he eats his meals on time," the Head Nurse reassured them. Lenalee wanted to sob in relief, but she held the tears back as Allen had once told her to stay strong. Beside her Lavi seemed pleased, Link was still holding his papers and probably didn't even hear the news, even though he was supposed to pay attention to his charge; and Cross got off of the bench he hogged to stand.

Inside of Allen's room, the boy was hooked up to an unnecessary amount of equipment along with a feeding tube. He was unconscious and appeared to be suffering a nightmare of a sort. Lenalee's smiled faded and she went to stand over the sleeping boy. Never before had Allen been in such poor health. All other injuries, including having his eye ruined, heart stabbed, and losing his left arm were nothing compared to how he was now. She prayed that Allen would make it through this alive.

"How could this happen to Allen-kun?" she sniffed as the tears slipped down her face. She couldn't stand to see her precious friend like this. "Why didn't he _eat?_"

Cross stood on the other side of the bed with his arms folded across his chest. He scowled at his sleeping apprentice and decided to smoke, while Link recorded the act to report later on to his superior. She was annoyed that they wouldn't get along in the presence of their severely weakened comrade. Lavi on the other hand settled for harassing the white-haired boy.

Angered by the blatant disrespect everyone was showing, Lenalee vented her frustration on the nearest person who wasn't Allen, and kicked them in the face. The victim turned out to be Kanda, who she didn't even recall entering the room with them. He fell to the ground with a "che," and Lenalee apologized for the sudden display of violence.

Link cleared his throat awkwardly to catch the room's attention.

"As we are all aware, Walker-san has been neglecting his meals," Link began when everyone (except Cross) looked to him. "He hasn't been sleeping regularly either. I believe there is a connection to be made here."

"Are you implying that General Cross's debts became so heavy that Allen snapped under the pressure of trying to settle them all, and no longer has any time to eat or sleep, much less breathe?" Lavi exclaimed.

Link blinked.

"_What?_" he frowned. "No, why would you think that?"

"Well, I thought that would be obvious," Lavi muttered under his breath with a scowl directed towards the inspector. "What were you implying, then? That the Moyashi-chan experienced something so traumatizing that he lost the will to live?" he tried again.

"Lavi, where are you getting those ideas?" Lenalee shook her head in disbelief.

"What if the Noah inside of Allen is taking over and slowly changing his personality from the glutton to a normal person?"

"No," they all chorused together.

"What if Allen's loneliness made him lose his appetite?"

"No."

"What if Allen is really over fifty years old, losing and regaining his traumatizing memories from the past as he ages and rewinds his body's age? What if he's developed so many personalities that they're all struggling for dominance inside of his mind, DISTRACTING him from so much as thinking about eating?"

"NO!"

"What if his Innocence is evolving from a mindless parasitic to a being with sentience and is no longer demanding as much food than before?"

Lenalee hit Lavi on the head.

"Are you taking drugs, Lavi?" she demanded. The Bookman junior clutched his head and whined about Lenalee being mean. She kicked him where it hurt, an action that was way out of character for her. He got back up and jabbed Allen's cheek with his finger repeatedly, as if that would make him feel any better. Lenalee slapped his hand away from Allen's face and was tempted to step on Lavi's foot with her Dark Boots. High heels were very much capable of killing.

Lavi rubbed his head and sulked on the unoccupied chair beside Allen's bed.

"Alma Karma is alive, Cross isn't really a womanizer but he's most likely recruiting women for a miniskirt army since this series is very much similar to Fullmetal Alchemist, and he is considered to be a reference if you take off the 'C' and 'N' in his name, and the fact the corrupted higher up has set their eyes on both the master and pupil; Lenalee isn't really the Heart, but it's most likely Johnny Gill; the Innocence has known Allen for a long time and like Yuu-chan-"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

"- says in chapter 212, page 24 of D. Gray Man by Katsura Hoshino, _'I however, see it as a strange kind of attachment,_' this implies that Allen is special to the Innocence, further proven by Apocryphos trying to rescue him so he doesn't get sucked up by the Noah's memories!" Lavi continued on yelling conspiracy theories, though they all knew it was ridiculous and had no chance of occurring in the near future. "Cross Marian isn't human, either!"

Cross visibly tensed but no one took notice.

"How long do you think he's been alive? Why do you think he has no problems flirting on sixteen-year-old girls? Why do you think he knows all of those magic spells and looks so young for someone who was around during the time of the Fourteenth? He isn't human, I'm telling you guys! He's been along for longer than any of us can imagine. There's a reason why he's away from the Order for so long, too; it's so no one notices him_ not_ aging!

"Let's not forget how Allen came to be the host of the Fourteenth," Lavi switched the subject, standing up from the chair and climbing on top of Allen's bed while the general glared at him with the intent to kill. "This connects to my earlier claim that Allen is over fifty years old. That's the only way that Allen could have met the Fourteenth and still be this young. Then the Innocence, who is Allen's friend, decides that it doesn't like the idea of Allen dying, so it jumps into his body to preserve him since Innocence can choose its accommodators, and then calls Apocryphos to kill Neah, who is hurting 'Allen.' Remember that Allen is the '_transcendent one_,' and '_the one most beloved by God_.' Doesn't _any of this_ sound suspicious to you people?"

There was a long silence following Lavi's conspiracy theories.

Finally, Cross was the one to break that silence. He drew his gun from it holster to shoot the idiot redhead standing on his apprentice. Link, equally pissed, allowed this incident to go unrecorded in his journal. Lavi fell off of the bed and to the hard floor, while the boy he had stood on stirred from his rest.

Silver eyes opened and Lenalee nearly jumped on him in relief. Allen blinked the haze out of his eyes to look at them, though they seemed weary, as if they had seen a bad dream. When his eyes landed on the figure of his master, his eyes shot open in alarm. He tried to back up, but the g-tube* on his stomach prevented him from doing so, sending him crumpling in pain. **

"Allen-kun, you're finally awake," Lenalee cried tears of joy, embracing the exhausted boy on the bed while he secretly considered his plan of escape. The Chinese woman didn't notice him staring at the door. "We were so worried you wouldn't pull through. This is a miracle," she sobbed. "Y-you didn't eat for over _nine _hours. You nearly died, Allen-kun."

Allen awkwardly patted Lenalee's back to comfort her. Lenalee was ushered out of the room so she could get the tears out of her system, while Allen was left in the room full of idiots of different degrees.

"So what really happened to you, Moyashi-chan?" Lavi inquired as he rose from the ground. He grabbed onto the sheets covering Allen as he dragged himself back up to stand.

The boy blinked with a vacant expression on his face. Moments later he remembered the answer to the question everyone was asking. He smiled nervously, brushed away the hair that stuck to his forehead, and folded his hands on his lap to speak.

"That's easy," he chuckled. "It will take a while to explain though."

"We have time," Link informed his charge.

Allen sighed.

"You see, it all began when I tried to escape my master…"

…..

"_For the last time, master, I won't pay your debts anymore!" Allen screamed at the man sitting across from him at their table. Once a week they were permitted to see each other, but every visit Cross would bring debt along with him. Those papers were scattered on the floor after Allen had pushed them off of the table. Allen was sick and tired of having to take responsibility for his master. He refused to pay his debts anymore; it was about time Cross ended that delinquency of his._

_Cross sipped his wine, amused as his apprentice threw a tantrum. He opened his mouth to speak, but Allen abruptly stood to cut him off before he could say anything._

"_I'm leaving," he declared, "and I won't be coming back next week, or the week after that, or the week after that week. Not next month, not next year_. NEVER_. I never want to see your face ever again!" he screeched, scooping one of the papers off the floor and crumpling it in his hands. He chuckled the bill at his master, then turned on his heel to storm past Howard Link. His guardian (the two dot) followed after him wordlessly, recording their interactions into his journal._

_The bodyguards at the door prevented Allen from leaving. They stood firmly in spot, blocking Allen from reaching the door's handle._

"_You can't leave until the time is up," one of the guards informed the Exorcist._

"_What?" he exclaimed angrily. "Yes I can! Right, Link?"_

_Link didn't say anything._

"_That means yes," Allen assumed._

_The guards looked at him skeptically, but allowed him to pass regardless. Allen left the room, but heard an extra set of footsteps behind him. He turned around, only to see his master following after them with his hands shoved into his pockets. Allen picked up his pace but Cross's stride was faster than his. While Allen was running for dear life, Cross was practically speed-walking, and Link was just following them. _

_Allen cursed Cross for running so fast as he skidded around a corner. He was too busy concentrating on his sprint that he didn't notice the "wet floor" sign up ahead. He slipped on a small puddle and tripped, falling to the ground in what he felt was slow motion._

…..

"You can guess what happened next," Allen ended his retelling of the event days ago. Cross finished braiding Allen's grown-out hair and Allen cut the braid off. He scowled at his master and shooed him away. Link closed his journal and pocketed his writing pen, Kanda che'd, and Lavi memorized every last word and detail.

Lavi raised his hand and Allen nodded at him.

"So… how did you end up here?"

"Oh, I forgot that part," Allen grinned. Cross's hands reached to braid the clumps of hair that stuck out on both sides of Allen's head. He wasn't sure why his master was so insistent about decorating his hair, but resigned to let the general have his way. "Well, after nearly breaking my legs, master caught me. Thankfully our visit ended and he had to leave. But I was so scared about our next meeting that I started to have nightmares."

A light bulb went off in their heads, but Kanda's stayed dim because he's not very smart. It lit up a couple minutes later, though.

"Then you got tired and forgot to eat," Lavi finished for him.

Allen looked like he wanted to say otherwise, but he smiled politely and nodded in the affirmative. There was no use in arguing with this conspiracy theorist.

_Whatever you say, Lavi. Whatever you say._

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Running

Foiled by: Wet floor

* A g-tube is the same thing as a feeding tube, only it doesn't go down your throat. Look it up if you want, but the pictures that came up weren't very pretty ;_; Under normal circumstances he wouldn't get one, but because he's such a glutton and hasn't eaten in -gasp- nine hours, his life was at stake and they had no other choice.

** I would imagine sitting up with that thing attached would hurt…

Alright, so now Lavi is a conspiracy theorist. It actually seems pretty fitting for his character O_o Does anyone else here agree? He feels like the kind of person who would suggest something and then get immediately shot down by his friends, but turn out to be right later on.

Also, I found Cross's song. It's called "Rasputin" by Boney M. When I first heard that song, I was like "Yup, that's him!"... Just look up the lyrics and see what I mean XD Every line in that song can be applied to him. Review if you agree with me :)


	23. Chapter 23

101 Attempts – Gender Bender

Title: Wow, She's Worse Than Cross

You wanted a female Allen, D. Gray Man Fandom? WELL HERE IT IS, SO FUCK YOU.

Please remember that this is a parody, and that here I mock everything the D. Gray Man fandom does. One of the memes in the D. Gray man fandom is to have Lenalee turn into a yaoi fangirl. Then I thought: could it be that they're implying she's secretly a lesbian? I'll have to apologize in advance to my female readers (or anyone is who is uncomfortable with the thought of same-sex attraction) but I promise **that this is completely and utterly for comedic purposes ONLY. This is not actual pairing.**

Otherwise... enjoy! :)

._.

"We may just have the solution to your problem, Allen-kun," chirped the cheerful voice of Komui Lee. The chief waved a tiny bottle in the air and tossed it to the boy in the doorway of his office. Allen caught the container, surprised by the sudden news. He had been called to Komui's office, but he hadn't expected for the chief to help him this quickly.

The boy inspected the bottle suspiciously. Komui was explaining the science behind its creation, but Allen didn't care because the blue liquid inside of the clear glass looked delicious. He opened the bottle and downed the drink in seconds flat. An unpleasant shiver ran through his body. Nothing happened. Allen wondered what that was about, and decided to listen to the chief.

"-will change your appearance completely!" Allen tuned in to the bragging chief's words. He took a seat on the couch across from the desk in the center of the room. Behind him, Howard Link recorded his every movement (like a stalker).

"What do you mean?" Allen questioned. His body was starting to feel a bit odd, almost like something was moving underneath his skin. Ignoring the sensation for now, Allen waited for Komui to further explain.

Komui's smug smile broadened while idiot sparkles flashed around him. The Chinese man looked extremely ridiculous, but Allen didn't comment.

"That potion I just gave you is the perfect disguise," he boasted. Allen humored the chief by wearing a false smile. "Using our latest technology, we have developed a potion that switches the user's body to that of the opposite sex!"

Allen dropped the glass bottle.

Slowly, he stood up from the couch. His expression was blank as he turned away from the chief, wobbling over towards the door with Link close behind. Komui stopped talking and watched the British boy collapse to the floor, passed out while the potion took effect.

…

Allen had a feeling that he didn't want to open his eyes. Memories of the moments before he had fallen unconscious flashed in his head, and he _really _didn't want to wake up. Bright lights from above irritated him to the point where he gave up on playing the part of a sleeping person. There were others in his room with him, but he blocked out their voices to look down at his transformed body.

Where his chest should have been flat were two large bumps, and his sides curved in to give him a feminine figure. Allen didn't dare lift the sheets to check downstairs, because he was certain that the potion had worked. Instead, Allen sat up on the hospital bed, bringing up the crisp white sheets with him. He hung his head and long white hair fell into his face. Allen blushed and pushed it away, all the while thinking that the potion had been rather thorough.

"_I suppose I should change my name now_," Allen thought tiredly. (S)he glanced around and spotted a group clustered at the doorway while the Head Nurse held them back. Among the intruders was Lavi, Lenalee, and Kanda to begin with. He heard them demanding to know what happened to their comrade, and Allen moved his/her slender legs to hang off the side of the bed. His petite feet touched the cold ground, feminine hands moving his covers off of him/her.

Allen walked around the bed, feeling awkward with the new additions to his body. His upper body was heavier, hurting his back and nearly sending him falling over to the floor. He checked himself in the mirror and gaped, his hands shaking as they reached up to his face in disbelief.

"I really _am_ a girl now," (s)he whispered.

His body was curvy, big-breasted, and that of a woman's. Allen's eyelashes had grown out, his/her lips pink and plump, white hair down to his small butt. He still had the scar on the left side of his face and his Innocence, but everything else about him had been… feminized. _This is disgusting, _he thought with a scowl. He was a man, damn it! Why did the writers of FanFiction have to be so cruel to him? Her? _IT?_ Why couldn't they let him keep his manly pride?

_Because you were desperate enough to ask KOMUI, of all people, to help you escape your master, _a treacherous little voice reminded him.

Allen pouted but the voice had a point. Just the other day they had been granted permission to see each other regularly, and Cross had said something that scared Allen to the point where he actually tried to jump out the window. After that failed horribly, Allen went to Komui to complain. The chief had understood Allen's plight (not trusting the womanizing general and thinking no one should have to suffer at his hands), told Allen he would see what he could do.

Now here he was, stuck in the body of a woman for only God-knows how long. Allen stared at his reflection, wishing to curl up on the floor and die. He didn't know if this was worth it. Allen didn't think Cross was that much trouble, but when he thought back to that man's debts… maybe this was for the best.

"Moyashi-chan!" Lavi shouted past the Head Nurse. "Moyashi-chan, you passed out in Komui's office. Are you?-"

The Bookman stopped struggling to get past the nurse when he caught a full glimpse of his friend's body. Allen wrapped his arms around himself and stepped away, embarrassed at having to be seen like this.

It took Lavi a full minute to respond.

"STRIKE!" he shouted, hearts popping up in his eyes while a perverted grin stretched across his face. He tugged on Kanda's sleeve excitedly, pointing at the clearly female Allen Walker. "Moyashi-chan, you never told us you were a girl!"

The two other Exorcists ceased in their struggles and their eyes were piercing as they looked over their friend. Kanda's eyes widened comically, whereas Lenalee gave Allen a shocked look.

"Allen-kun," she breathed, bringing her hand up to her mouth. Her eyes glittered and a deep, red blush graced her cheeks. She pushed the Head Nurse away and ran to grab Allen's hands, leaning in close to stare him/her in the eyes. "Allen-kun," she repeated in a softer voice. "You're… a woman?"

Allen was so shocked that he didn't know how to respond to that.

Lavi crept up from behind Lenalee to tackle Allen, embracing him/her and shaking the gender-bended teen happily. Not what Allen had been expecting, but it was better than outright rejection. Lenalee's eyes continued to sparkle, her figure leaning over Allen's so that Allen felt intimidated by her. Lavi's arms locked around Allen's waist, rubbing his face into Allen's clothes and completely disregarding his/her personal space. Kanda continued to stand in the doorway with his eyes bulging out of his head.

"… No, I'm not," he denied, certain he would return to his original self. "It was one of the science division's experiments that did this."

Lenalee squeezed Allen's hands.

"Lenalee?" Allen smiled nervously. "Why are you looking at me like you want to rape me?"

Lenalee squeezed Allen's hands even harder, her wide eyes looking down at Allen in adoration. Lavi saw this and immediately released his friend, backing away several feet for his own safety.

"Help?" Allen sent pleading looks to the others, but they turned their heads on him. _Traitors_, he thought with a scowl.

"OI, IDIOT APPRENTICE!" a voice roared from outside of the room. Allen yelped and Lenalee used this distraction to push Allen onto the bed. Allen fell backwards and got back up, but the Chinese woman was lovingly rubbing her face against Allen's unprotected thigh. Allen screamed and tried to tug his leg away, but Lenalee dug her nails into Allen's flesh to prevent him/her from freeing himself.

Allen panicked and threw his body at the mattress, though Lenalee dragged Allen back so she could molest her friend. Lavi stood by, frozen with a nosebleed while Kanda and the Nurse had left. Great. For a moment he wondered where Link was, but remembered that the man was awkward around women. Link must have left him the moment he changed genders.

"Lenalee, please stop," Allen begged pathetically. "I need to get out of here before master finds me!"

Lenalee paused in the molestation to consider. Footsteps neared the room and Allen's desperation to escape grew.

"Please," he pleaded with the Chinese woman. He offered his other leg in negotiations, and the woman gladly accepted it. "Please, Lenalee! I'll let you do whatever you want- just DON'T let my master get to me…!"

Cross entered the room with a deep frown on his face, striding towards the apprentice lying helpless on the bed. Lenalee growled at the newcomer and released Allen's legs to challenge him. She activated Dark Boots while Cross pointed Judgment. Lavi continued to drool.

"You wanna fight?" Lenalee assumed a fighting stance to prepare for battle.

"Challenge accepted," he shouted and began to fire. Lenalee dodged the bullets (all of which nearly hit Allen), darting past Cross to deliver a kick. Cross blocked it and jumped back to shoot.

While the two fought pointlessly, Allen snuck away quietly. Lavi followed him with the excuse of protecting him/her, but Allen highly doubted that was the real cause. Cross's free hand grabbed him by the scruff of his neck to stop him from crawling to freedom.

"You're not getting away," Cross told his apprentice forcefully. "You still need to pay off my debts, woman or not!"

Allen sighed.

He should have paid more attention when Komui was telling him about that invention. No- he should have waited before he drank the potion in the first place.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Changing into a girl with the help of the science division.

Ruined by: Lenalee's flirting

I'm sorry about that.

… I think I just lost half of my audience. 0_0

Is anyone still there?


	24. Chapter 24

101 Attempts - …

Title: Kanda Is White and Nerdy

Oh god.

What is this?

._.

Allen wasn't sure who he wanted to run from more.

There was his master, Cross Marian, who Allen hated the most in the world. Cross Marian was known for his womanizing ways and his enormous debt. Allen should know that over anyone else; he was the one who always paid debt that piled up at an alarming rate. Lately it had been getting worse as part of that man's defiance at being holed up inside the Black Order, and it was causing Allen extreme distress. It wasn't just the money matters that was bothering Allen; it was the man himself. As Allen's master, Cross claimed to feel obligated to harass his apprentice.

Every day Allen woke up in the morning to find that man doing something or another in his room. To say the least, Allen did not appreciate this intrusion. Link never helped either; the inspector always stood by, recording everything that went on without ever intervening. Now, Allen didn't want to discuss the things he had caught Cross doing, but they disturbed him deeply. No matter what Allen did to escape his master, Cross would catch up and the harassment would increase tenfold until the sun set for the night.

Cross Marian was Allen's living nightmare. Yes, he was a bastard and Allen feared him, but as Allen entered the Black Order's hallway to head to the bathroom to brush his teeth, he wasn't sure if he feared Cross Marian the _most _anymore.

Why?

Because Kanda Yuu was riding on a Segway.

"_They see me mowin'  
__My front lawn  
__I know they're all thinking  
__I'm so White N' nerdy"_

Stunned into silence, the only thing Allen could do was try to inch around the slowly moving Kanda. The Japanese man turned his head Allen's way to glare venomously at the white-haired boy. Allen picked up his pace, but when he looked behind him, he saw Kanda trailing after him on his vehicle.

"_Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
__Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
__Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy  
__Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!  
__I wanna roll with-  
__The gangsters  
__But so far they all think  
__I'm too white n' nerdy"_

Convinced he was hallucinating, Allen rubbed his eyes and headed to the nearest bathroom. He pushed the door open with his toothbrush in hand, planning to wash whatever sleep it was in his eyes causing this delusion. Link recorded Allen's activities in the journal he kept on his person, but Allen was used to that. He was probably writing about what method Allen was using to wash his face. Allen turned the knob and cold water rushed out from the faucet. He leaned over the sink to splash the water onto his face, and after he felt adequately washed, he patted his face down with a nearby towel.

The door creaked open and the song that Allen had heard in the hallway filtered into the bathroom. Allen paused in drying his face but didn't remove the towel. He was afraid to look behind him. He didn't want to even use the mirror in fear of what he would see.

"_Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
__Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
__I'm just too white n' nerdy  
__Really, really white n' nerdy"_

Reluctantly, Allen set the towel onto the counter and opened his eyes. He slowly brought his head up to glance at the mirror, and counted a total of three people in the room. It was him, Link, and Kanda plus Segway. The Japanese man just stood there on his Segway, glaring at Allen but saying nothing.

"Kanda," Allen began slowly, closing his eyes momentarily to retain his composure. "What are you doing?"

No response.

The song broke out into a rap and Kanda's unwavering glare radiated a murderous intent. Uncomfortable with this, Allen returned to brushing his teeth as part of his daily routine. Pretending Kanda wasn't there and that the music wasn't playing, Allen went on with his hygiene upkeep. He spit the toothpaste out of his mouth, and then rinsed with water.

Allen left the bathroom with both Kanda and Link trailing after. He stopped by his room to drop off his toothbrush and change into his usual outfit. Since letting Link inside meant letting Kanda in, Allen slammed the door in their faces and quickly stripped while he grabbed for his clothes. He was so preoccupied with his changing that he didn't notice the man sitting on his bed.

Allen buttoned up his shirt after jumping into his pants, keeping his red ribbon in hand while he threw on his gray vest. He fixed up his outfit and when he was satisfied with how he looked, he turned around. Then he nearly dropped his jaw. Sitting on the edge of his bed and smoking was none other than Cross Marian. Allen screamed and the door flew open in response to his distress. Link was about to ask what was wrong, but he saw Allen's master and the alarm dropped from his face to morph into a bored expression.

"What are you doing in here?" Allen shrieked. He ran to hide behind his inspector, almost bumping onto the ever-present Kanda. The music generating from the Segway was booming loud when up close. No wonder Kanda hadn't heard him earlier, he thought exasperatedly.

Cross shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Well get out," Allen demanded. "This is my room!"

"I don't feel like it," the general retorted defiantly. "I want to spend quality time with my idiot apprentice. Is there something wrong with that?"

"Yes!" Allen exclaimed, balling up his fists and clenching them. "There is! Has the lack of women around the Order stooped you to this level?" Cross opened his mouth to respond, but Allen wasn't done yet. "I. Hate. You. _I hate you with a burning passion!_ I don't want you anywhere near by me, but this doesn't sink into that idiot head of yours!"

For a long time, no one spoke after Allen's rant. Kanda's music continued to boom from the music player installed in his vehicle. Allen glared at his master and the man stared back impassively.

Then the door flung open, accompanied by the cheerful voice of Lavi.

"Heyooo! Did I hear the sound of someone getting friend-zoned in here?" he beamed, entering the room and standing beside Allen. He glanced at Allen's scowling face, and Cross's blank one, and then flung his arm around the white-haired boy. "I see, I see what happened," he nodded sympathetically towards the general.

"Enlighten us," Link deadpanned.

"It's _soooo_ obvious," Lavi threw back his head and laughed. Allen threw the arm off of him. He wasn't in the mood for this guy's conspiracy theories right now. Lavi cleared his throat to explain himself. "You see, Cross knows he's going to be killed by Apocryphos soon, so before he dies, he wants to pass on words of encouragement to Allen!"

Cross shot at Lavi with his gun.

"I'm leaving," Allen announced. Kanda spun around on his Segway to follow while Link wrote down their interactions into his journal.

_They see me roll on, my Segway!  
__I know in my heart they think I'm  
__white n' nerdy!  
__Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
__Think I'm just too white n' nerdy  
__Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy  
__Look at me I'm white n' nerdy_

Allen looked back at Kanda and saw not only him, but Lavi and Cross as well. The two had started up a conversation over the blaring music. Kanda produced a helmet from out of nowhere and strapped it onto his head. Allen frowned at the group stalking him, and strode faster towards the staircase.

_I just want to get to the cafeteria so I can eat, _Allen thought as Kanda stepped off of his Segway, turned it off and picked it up to follow. The music stopped and that was a relief to his ears, but the chattering behind him irritated him. The others easily caught up with his slow pace much to his disappointment. Lavi and Cross put their arms around Allen, who resisted by stepping on their feet.

"Hoh, how cute," Cross poked Allen's cheek. Allen tried to bite his finger but to no avail. "The idiot thinks he can get away from us."

"Don't you people have anything ELSE better to do?" Allen snapped.

They stopped halfway down the stairs to think about that. Allen waited patiently for their answer. Kanda continued to descend down the stairs to flat ground. The silence ended with Kanda turning the Segway back on and resuming the music. He climbed onto the vehicle and turned to face the group lingering on the stairs, never uttering a single sound.

Lavi thought about his answer but Cross came up with his quickly.

"No," he replied. Then he grabbed his apprentice by the scruff of his neck, dragging him down the stairs with him.

"Seriously?" Allen glared. "Can't you do something productive?"

"… but I don't feel like it," Cross answered.

Allen twisted free of his master's hold, running past Kanda and sprinting to the cafeteria. The music didn't fade, instead it seemed to be getting louder. Kanda was hot on Allen's tail, literally just feet away. As Allen ran into the hall leading to the food area, he thought it was odd that a Segway was capable of travelling that fast.

"Stay away from me!" Allen cried. In his panic he missed the cafeteria, but when he realized that, he knew he couldn't bring the group following him into there. They would follow him into line and then sit at his table. First, he needed to ditch them, but the music from Kanda's vehicle was giving away his position.

He skidded around a corner, and bumped into a scientist. Allen apologized from his spot on the floor, then screamed as he was run over by Kanda's Segway. Kanda looked down at him, and put the Segway into reverse to run him over again.

_I'd like to roll with-_  
_The gangsters_  
_Although it's apparent I'm too_  
_White n' nerdy_  
_Think I'm just too white n' nerdy_  
_I'm just too white n' nerdy_  
_How'd I get so white n' nerdy?_

"Why do even have that thing?" Allen sat up, clutching his face and sitting on the floor in a curl.

Kanda che'd, drew a paper from his pocket and handed it to the boy on the floor.

Allen read it.

_Mission: Follow the subject #1 [Allen Walker] and observe. Discover relation between subject #1 and subject #2 [Lenalee Lee]._

_Equipment: Science division's new and improved Segway._

_Background information: Subject #2 has exhibited interest in subject #1 since the Gender Bender incident [see chapter #23 for full details]. Inflict pain on subject #1 if subject does not respond to questioning._

"Oh, that?" Allen frowned, ran a hand through his hair as he inspected the sheet of paper. "Lenalee likes girls, that's all," he informed the Japanese exorcist. "It was a one-sided, one-time thing. Tell Komui not to worry."

Kanda snatched the paper from Allen and ran him over again. Allen yelped, and the two red-headed idiots appeared to torment him with their talking. At this point, he wasn't sure who he feared more. Cross and his wanting to "hang out," or Kanda with his Segway of pain and suffering.

_They see me strollin'_  
_They laughin'_  
_And rollin' their eyes 'cause_  
_I'm so white n' nerdy_  
_Just because I'm white n' nerdy_  
_Just because I'm white n' nerdy_  
_All because I'm white n' nerdy_  
_Holy cow I'm white n' nerdy_  
_I wanna bowl with-_  
_the gangsters_  
_but oh well it's obvious I'm_  
_white n' nerdy_  
_Think I'm just too white n' nerdy_  
_Think I'm just too white n' nerdy_  
_I'm just too white n' nerdy_  
_Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!_

Regardless of how Allen felt, Cross picked his apprentice off the floor to drag him towards certain doom, and Kanda followed behind with his evil Segway.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Trying to go to the cafeteria

Foiled by: Kanda's Segway

I honestly don't know what to say about this chapter.

Your thoughts? ;_;


	25. Chapter 25

101 Attempts – Team Killing

Title: I-Have-**Ten**-More-Chapters -And-I-Don't-Know-What- to -Do-With-Them-So-I'm-Just-Posting-Daily

A/N: … Extreme OOC. Everyone dies. Yeah, that just about sums up this fandom. Can't wait to parody the others.

Warnings for Chaozii bashing and swearing.

Not that that's going to stop you people.

Also, is anyone else having internet connection problems? T_T Or is it just me?

._.

"I give up!" Allen screamed, jumping on top of his table and invoking Crown Clown. "I'm going to kill every last person in this room, right here and **right now**. I'm sick of this bullshit!" he cried, and leaped down to attack the nearest finder.

The finder fell to the ground and Allen turned to punch anyone who dared to approach him in his bloodlust. He should be attacking Cross, his master, if anyone, but that man was practically invincible. Allen had snapped after his master cracked a perverted joke for the hundredth time that day, losing his temper completely to vent out his frustration.

_If I can't get away from Cross in life_, he thought, _I'll just have to send everyone to hell and see how_ they_ like being stuck with him for all eternity._

Kanda Yuu tossed his Segway to the side and unsheathed Mugen from its hilt.

"Must. Kill. Comrades," he hissed while demonic fire radiated from the core of his very being. He joined in the manslaughter and swung his sword at passing-by Lenalee.

The Chinese woman dropped her tray of coffee, and the caffeine splashed on her outfit. Angered at the staining, Lenalee activated her Dark Boots to kick Kanda in the head. Kanda was sent flying across the room and crashed into Klaud Nine. Klaud had her monkey claw him in the face in response, and then chopped off Kanda's ponytail with her nails.

Lenalee's now soured mood caused her to lash out at the man behind her, who just happened to be another Exorcist. The two quickly engaged in battle while Allen was busy mowing down everyone else in the room.

A hammer hit him in the back of the head and Allen tumbled over a table. He spun around to see Lavi's hammer coming down to hit his head, but dodged at the very last second. He rolled to safety while the hammer split the table in two. Cross sat there anyways, ignoring the chaos in the cafeteria. He didn't notice his own apprentice being attacked by his look-alike right in front of him.

Miranda and Noise Marie entered the cafeteria side by side. Allen was about to comment on how cute they looked together, but upon entering the madness, they were sucked into it as well and started to fight each other. Allen dodged another one of Lavi's hammer swings, and made the mistake of bumping into Winters Socalo.

The Mexican general's rage was unleashed, and he hacked down anyone who got ten feet within him. Allen had forgotten he was an ex-death row prisoner. For some reason Socalo chose Allen as his target, so Allen was busy running from two Exorcists while cutting anyone else down along the way. Allen darted past Cross and cut his hair off in the process with his claw hand.

Cross's hair dropped to the ground and the man paused in his coffee drinking. Everyone paused in their brawling and a shocked silence filled the room.

The man set his coffee on the broken table, then reached for his now short hair. Allen backed away from his master and hid behind Chaozii, who will not be appearing in anymore chapters after this because he's an annoying fatass and I hate him.

_- "Oh shit, I wasn't supposed to say that ;_;_ "-

Every being in the cafeteria looked up to the heavens. The writer known as OrangeMoonGoddess grabbed her laptop and vanished into thin air, berating herself for breaking the fourth wall again, all the while apologizing to her wonderful and beautiful viewers.

While everyone else in the room was distracted, Cross drew his gun from its holster and began to shoot the people around him, Allen included. Fortunately Allen was immune to bullets after being shot at for the past five years. Unfortunately, that meant he would be the last one to be killed.

A cry escaped Lenalee's mouth as Komui entered and was immediately killed by Cross. With her eyes filled with hatred and sorrow, she charged towards Cross with the intent to kill.

"You killed my brother, you son of a bitch!" she shrieked.

Cross shot Lenalee too, and the Chinese woman collapsed to the ground in a pool of blood.

"Holy shit," Lavi whispered.

Kanda assaulted Cross in hopes of getting the next team kill, but as Lavi swung his hammer to avenge Lenalee's death, Cross ducked and the two clashed. With no opponent, Socalo materialized next to Allen and stabbed Froi Tiedoll, who tried to kill Lavi for attacking his apprentice.

The old man joined the increasing pile of dead bodies, and Socalo took Allen's hands to look him in the eyes.

"We're going to need to team up if you want to get out of this alive," he told Allen. "What do you say? Just me and you, just like the old days when we first met. You remember when you used to be my pupil in chapter 21, right?" he asked impatiently, killing Klaud Nine who tried to prevent the alliance.

Allen ducked another one of Cross's bullets and took cover behind a knocked over table. He and Socalo crouched down while the madness around them continued.

"You lost the bet though," Allen reminded his ex-master. "The loser isn't supposed to even make contact with me."

Socalo shrugged.

"It won't matter if we kill your master," he told the white-haired boy. Miranda Lotto and Noise Marie were both killed by Howard Link, but at least they died in each other's arms. Krory tried to kill Link, but died by some unknown cause. Meanwhile Chaozii duked it out with Apocryphos, and to everyone's surprise, seemed to be winning.

Allen considered the offer while Cross stopped firing at them to attack a resurrected Froi Tiedoll.

"Hmm," he hummed thoughtfully. "Can you kill my master? I just want to get away from him; that's why I started this fight in the first place."

"Hey, you don't need a reason to start a fight," the ex-criminal said.

"Okay," Allen nodded. "After this, how about we go order some ice cream from Jerry if he's still alive?"

"Sounds good," Socalo agreed.

With their alliance now in effect, Allen and Socalo emerged from their hiding spot. Allen slashed all the finders down while Socalo attacked the other Exorcists. Allen just finished the last of them and turned to see Kanda picking up his Segway and smashing Lavi's skull with it. The Segway broke, but it knocked out Lavi in the process.

Kanda gave the finishing blow by stabbing Lavi to death, and removed his sword after he was sure the rabbit was dead. He abandoned the corpse on the ground to jump in the fight between Chaozii and Apocryphos, breaking the stalemate by stabbing Chaozii in the back.

Chaozii coughed up blood and sank to the floor. His last words were his pathetic cries of "Anita-sama" but Kanda stepped on his face to shut him up. Kanda then challenged Apocryphos, who accepted the challenge.

Apocryphos was about to make the first move, but Jerry the cook snuck up from behind with his frying pan and Apocryphos was reduced to dust. Since Jerry wasn't an Exorcist, Kanda left him alone in favor of interfering in the three-way fight between Cross, Tiedoll, and Socalo.

Tiedoll accidently lunged his painting brush into Kanda's face as he got in between, and the paintbrush went through the Japanese man's head, instantly ending him. Tiedoll shouted after his apprentice, but Cross shot him in the head. With the only Exorcists left being Allen, Socalo, and Cross himself, they engaged in a battle to see who would emerge as victor.

Allen distracted Cross so he wouldn't get the chance to summon Grave of Maria, and Socalo attacked up close. Allen had forgotten about Link, but it was too late because the inspector had already snuck up from behind and snapped Socalo's neck.

"NO!" Allen screamed. He rushed to the dying Socalo's side and cried, remembering all of the times they spent together in the past when Allen was new to Innocence. Socalo's hand touched Allen's crying face, but fell to the ground as his body lost its warmth.

_Now what do I do_? He thought in distress, furiously wiping the tears from his face. Link then was murdered by Cross, who knelt down besides Allen to comfort him.

"It's okay, idiot, you still have me," he said, putting one arm around his apprentice.

Allen cried harder.

"But everyone is dead," Allen screamed at his master, turning around and hitting his chest as he broke down. "EVERYONE! EVEN _CHAOZII,_ AND **NO ONE** LIKES HIM!" he sobbed.

"Wait!" Cross held up his hand. "There's still Hevlaska."

Cross paused in his comforting and stood. Allen was left in the room with all of the dead bodies, sobbing over the loss of his friends (even though he had been the one to start the insanity). He regretted having starting the killing, but there was nothing he could do about that now. Everyone was gone. Some were gone for the better of mankind, like Chaozii.

Allen sniffed and looked up as he saw Cross putting the gun back into its holster, and suddenly had a bad feeling.

"I killed Hevlaska," Cross announced as he crouched down in front of his apprentice, pulling him into a comforting hug. "It's okay, idiot, you still have me," he repeated himself from earlier. "We're the only ones left, and you know what that means."

"No, I _don't_," Allen shouted at his master and tried to push him away.

Cross pinched the bridge of his nose, exasperated as if the answer to that were obvious.

"It means we don't need to be here anymore," he told his apprentice. "Let's run away and never come back. Ever," he emphasized the last word. "I even promise not to rake up anymore debts. So how about we start off on a new foot?"

Allen blinked in surprise at the offer.

"You mean… no more drinking or gambling?" he gaped.

"Yeah," Cross nodded. "I'll be nicer, too. So let's run away before-"

Somehow, Jerry the cook managed to sneak up on the both of them, and hit them on the head with his frying pans. Allen fell into his master's arms and they fell to the floor, dying.

"Looks like we're going to be stuck together until the end of time. I guess I'll meet you in hell," Cross rasped and took his last breath. Allen managed to stay conscious long enough to elicit a response.

"Yeah, I fucking hate you too, you son of a bitch."

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Killing everyone, Cross included.

Foiled by: Jerry winning the death match and damning Allen to a life in hell with Cross forever.

Jerry won. Holy shit.

This is the best chapter ever.


	26. Chapter 26

101 Attempts – Karaoke

Title: Howard Link… You Are SO Going Down

A/N: So Link is probably one of the most mature characters in the series.

…

Not anymore, he isn't.

Consider this a cool-down chapter.

._.

"Link, we need to talk."

Allen sat across from his inspector at their cafeteria table, surrounded by his food and Link's sweets. At last they were free of the constant partying of Cross Marian, but only because the man was in line waiting to order his coffee from Jerry. Lately that man had been harassing Allen more than usual, and Allen hadn't been able to sleep for one second over the span of three days. Allen was tired, Link was tired but eating his sweets for boost, and Cross was cheating by drinking caffeine.

The inspector continued to sign papers but kept his ears open. Allen sighed, knowing Link didn't mind the presence of the general because the man didn't interfere with his work. At the rate Cross was partying in _Allen's _room at the _middle of the night_, it would.

"You need to stop letting strangers into my room while I'm sleeping," he told the inspector seriously. He glanced at his master and saw him approaching, then turned back to Link quickly. "If you don't, they'll start to interfere with your work and we'll never get rid of those piles of papers. We won't get any sleep, and as result we'll perform poorly in work," Allen explained himself, and then added, "And I know how much you hate that."

Link looked up from his papers, but didn't respond as the crazy general reached their table to further torment his apprentice.

Allen really hoped Link had taken his words to heart.

._.

It was the dead of night when the TV in Allen's room turned on. The sudden noise woke Allen from his much-needed sleep, and he rubbed his tired eyes to see what was happening. He sat up in bed and blinked at the glowing screen, then at the figures illuminated by it.

_It's the usual intruders_, he thought with a scowl. There were the two Noahs that no one ever seemed to give a crap about their presence in the Order, Cross Marian, but today there was an extra visitor. Kanda and his Segway stood in the darkness of the corner, staring at Allen with the usual murderous intent. The Japanese man didn't say anything, acting as if he did this every night. Allen ignored him for now, moving his legs to let them dangle off of the side of his bed.

On the screen, the words "Karaoke 5" flashed on the screen. Allen glanced at the gaming console on the floor, and then to the pile of microphones stacked beside the system. Allen frowned and searched the room for Link, ready to berate the man for letting the weirdos in.

That was when he saw Link standing in the center of the Karaoke group, holding a microphone while a song counted down on screen to begin.

Then he opened his mouth to sing.

And Allen cringed. He cringed so hard it felt like his head was going to explode. Piercing the air was a horribly off-key voice that nearly broke his eardrums. He wondered why the others weren't suffering like he was, but he saw they were using the corks from Cross's wine bottles as earplugs.

"_I'm A Barbie Girl In The Barbie World _

_Life In Plastic, It's Fantastic!_

_You Can Brush My Hair, Undress Me Everywhere _

_Imagination, Life Is Your Creation"_

"MAKE IT STOP!" Allen screamed in agony. "MAKE HIM STOP!"

Cross looked Allen's way and offered two bottles of wine.

"You're going to need to drink these if you want a pair," he explained to his apprentice. "We don't have any glasses, so you'll have to drink straight from the bottle." He thrust the wine bottles into Allen's hands and sat down next to him. "Here, I'll help you finish it."

"I don't want to get drunk," Allen protested.

"Do you really want to listen to _that_?" Cross raised his eyebrows, motioning towards the singing inspector.

Allen opened the bottles without hesitation. He took both of the corks, shoved them in his ears for instant relief. He gave one of the bottles to his master and began drinking his own, figuring that he may as well get wasted. If he was lucky, he would either pass out intoxicated, or get to the point where he wouldn't be able to understand anything around him.

_Or maybe both_, he thought as Cross took out several more bottles for them to share.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Asking Link to keep Cross out of his room

Ruined by: Cross convincing Link to play karaoke in Allen's room

Sorry Allen, you really tried to keep the crazy people away. It's too bad Link didn't listen to you.


	27. Chapter 27: Thanks for the 200 reviews!

101 Attempts- Ouch

Title: We Got Censored! :O

Title#2: This Reminds Me Of Happy Wheels

Uploading because I reached 200 reviews :)

-another cool down chapter... just sit and be patient, I have a LOT of funny chapters coming up after I settle the series down-

Thanks for the constant support ^^

._.

Allen was so happy that he had finally escaped his master. The young boy panted and slumped against an alley's brick wall, sliding to the ground while his heart raced painfully. His body shook from the adrenaline boost from his sprint, hands shaking uncontrollably while he sweat. Allen coughed as he tried to regain his breath, legs wobbly and jelly-like. Using the wall as support, he brought himself back up to stand despite his body's protests. He glanced around his surroundings but to his relief, neither his master nor golem was in sight.

Taking deep breaths, twelve-year-old Allen Walker limped along the narrow alley using the wall as a temporary crutch. His face was flushed red from running and his head drenched in sweat that rolled down his face. His hands twitched with the urge to scratch but Allen ignored the irritation to instead wipe away the perspiration. The boy's eyes were heavy and his stomach was doing flips from within.

The nausea took over and Allen rushed to the garbage can at the corner, everything he had eaten earlier that day coming up his throat in chunks. The smell made him throw up harder. His eyes stung and he stumbled away, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. He groaned when he forgot why he ran away to begin with. Great, now he would have to continue to avoid Cross without knowing why. Allen remembered getting into some sort of fight, but that was as far as his foggy memory went.

He dragged himself out onto the streets without caring that he looked like a wreck. Strangers gave him pitying looks but he walked on. Until he remembered why he had run away, he planned to wander about aimlessly. Allen was so immersed in his thoughts that didn't notice the large object falling from above. Screaming brought him to attention and he dodged the piano at the very last second. His head spun from the sudden movement but at least he hadn't been hit. Allen let out a breath he didn't know he he'd been holding, and backed away from the scene.

Glass shattered before him and he skidded to a stop in front of a shop where an object was thrown out the window. Allen's heart leapt and he watched the item in question, a hard roll of bread, flew out into the street and broke a car's window. The car spun out of control and into another in a sort of domino effect. Deciding today wasn't his lucky day, Allen ran from the accident where bystanders rushed to help the victims. He had to find somewhere safe before anything else could happen to him.

Allen ran down streets without incident until his legs tired out again. He coughed into his elbow and was distracted when a hand grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him inside of a building. Alarmed but helpless, Allen was about to scream out when a hand clamped itself over his mouth. The man behind him was dressed in all black, and before Allen was what appeared to be a bank. An arm wrapped around his neck to restrain him in a chokehold, lifting him off of his feet and into the air.

"This is a robbery!" his captor shouted "Give me your money or I shoot the kid!"

There was a stunned silence.

Wondering what everyone was staring at, Allen looked up to find a finger gun pointed at his skull.

"That's not a weapon," he frowned.

The would-be thief jabbed the side of Allen's head with his finger. Allen continued to hang in the air while his legs dangled below him.

"Look, 4Kids Entertainment _localized_ me," the thief answered. "I used to have a gun, but now it's invisible. If you have a problem with it, take it to court, kid."

Allen narrowed his eyes.

"You know what? Maybe I _will_," he countered.

Now out of fear by being shot by the invisible gun, the bankers collected what money they could in bags and took shelter while the criminal had his friends collect the money for him. Allen was forcefully taken outside to where the van was, and thrown into the trunk. His hands were tied behind his back, mouth gagged and thrown into the corner across from one of the robbers.

The driver took off the moment the leader got into the passenger seat in front. The rest of the crew remained in the back with Allen, who (surprisingly) wasn't as scared as he thought he should be. Allen's body slid around on the floor at every sharp turn and bump, but no one did anything until it got annoying. To stop the tumbling, Allen was tied to a rolling chair that stood amongst random crates.

The van came to a sudden halt, tires screeching on the road. They must have crashed, because the impact sent Allen and his chair flying backwards. The van's backdoors swung open and Allen screamed into his gag while his chair sent him down a hill. Allen wanted to throw up as the rolling chair bumped into a car and caused him to go flying through the air (now free of the chair, at least). His body landed on top of a car, nearly knocking him out when his head hit the hard metal.

Allen tried to move his body, but his legs were numb. Frustrated, he tugged at his bindings but his Innocence wasn't responding to him. The car's alarm then went off to pierce his ears much to his dismay. Allen opened his eyes when he was sure that the horror was over, but saw an all too familiar figure approaching him.

Hands rolled him over and picked him off of the car (now complete with a dent) brushing off glass that had sprinkled over the hood when Allen crashed down. Allen groaned as a bright light burst before his eyes, lowering his spinning head into the man's shoulder. Allen's consciousness began to slip, but he clung onto the figure holding him as if that would anchor him to the world of the living.

_Am I dying? _He wondered.

Allen's heavy eyelids closed to let his mind shut down.

_If I am… I am SO coming back to haunt master._

Without further ado, Allen passed out.

…

"-_sorry, I'm not interested_," a female voice apologized. The sound of the woman's voice roused Allen from his sleep. Allen frowned, his mind foggy as he followed the noise to transport his consciousness to the real world.

His eyes opened but Allen regretted opening them so early, because the artificial lights from above hurt. He moaned, stretching both arms and legs to see if they were operable. His arms were heavy, and his legs mostly numb. Allen looked down at himself and saw large bandages around his lower half. Sitting on the edge of his bed was his master, Cross, who was entertaining himself by flirting with the nurse (who just left the room).

Ignoring the pain, Allen sat up on the hospital bed. Memories of the incident flooded into his brain, but he blocked them out to concentrate on leaving. He slid out of the bed carefully to stumble over to the window, glancing outside to see that he was too high up to jump out. Then he collapsed to the floor like a toddler, unwillingly catching his master's attention.

Cross turned around to stare at his apprentice. After a few moments, he stood to move around the bed so he could help him back into bed.

"Just what are you trying to do?" he muttered under his breath. Allen looked away in embarrassment as he was laid back down on the mattress. Covers flew over his body to cover him while his head sank into the pillow. The temptation to say '_running away_' was strong, but Allen kept quiet as Cross sat back down. The General ran a hand through his long hair awkwardly. "Why did you run away?"

_That's what I want to know, _Allen thought. Nothing could possibly be worth the pain he had gone through prior to arriving at the hospital. Instead of answering verbally, Allen shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, you _did_ get mad after I told you that you couldn't go on a play date," Cross grumbled. "I didn't want to think that was what made you run away like that, but I guess play dates are important to kids."

A play date?...

"_No, you can't go," Cross denied. "It's dangerous out there."_

"_Since when do you care? You're not my mom!" Allen shouted in a suspiciously high-pitched voice. _

_Cross looked up from his newspaper and frowned._

"_You can't go unless I'm there to supervise you," he told the pouting boy. "There are some crazy people in the city and I refuse to let any of those dirty bastards near my property."_

_Allen backed away from his master. The thought of Cross tagging along on his play date terrified him. Without thinking about the consequences, Allen ran out the door. His master called out after him, but Allen wasn't listening._

_There was _no way_ Cross was going with him._

_No way. _

_Not even to the park._

Allen sighed in resignation. He should have known better than to run away. He shifted under his sheets and relaxed since he was sure he would be stuck in this bed for a while. "How long am I going to be here?"

Cross lifted a bag from the floor and produced a Rubik's Cube.

"How long do you think it's going to take for me to solve this?"

"… a couple weeks at the very least," Allen estimated.

"Exactly."

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Running away after Cross told Allen he couldn't go out on a play date.

Ruined by: Allen's own bad luck.

A/N: Does anyone out there feel bad for Allen_ now?_

_Hm. _Perhaps I should mention at this point that I hate 4kids Entertainment...


	28. Chapter 28

101 Attempts – Avoiding

Title: Is That Seriously All You Had To Say?

A/N: This is a Façade reference. If you don't know what this is, it's a game dealing with a husband/wife relationship. The husband has a hatred for melons, and if you mention it even once, you get kicked out.

I would know.

._.

"What do you mean Cross has a weakness?" Allen asked Jerry the chef through a mouthful of food. He sat at his usual table with Link, but the cook had taken a break and decided to sit with them. Jerry had brought up an interesting fact that had taken them by surprise.

Jerry shrugged.

"I asked him if he wanted melon in his fruit cup, but when he heard 'melon,' he left the line and didn't come back," Jerry explained and waved his chopsticks in the air. "I can't possibly fathom the reason behind that, but he seemed angry."

"Melons, huh?" Allen muttered and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "That's weird. Master really likes those," he told the cook.

Link recorded that line into his book.

Allen ordered that Link erase that when he realized what exactly he said.

Link recorded Allen's order to erase it.

Allen gave up on the inspector.

"Perhaps he developed an allergic reaction?" Jerry suggested. Allen supposed that was possible, so he didn't delve too much into the matter.

However, he kept in mind that apparently his master didn't like melons. As he finished his meal, light bulb went off in Allen's head, and Allen knew how he could escape his master.

._.

"MELON."

Allen sat down in front of his master at the beginning of their scheduled meeting, folding his arms across his chest confidently. His master paused in his wine-sipping, staring at his apprentice with an undecipherable expression. Certain his plan would work, Allen allowed himself a smug smile.

Cross set his glass down on the table between them, standing and walking away from Allen silently. Allen watched in shock as his master approached the guards at the door, and left.

It took Allen a full five minutes to realize he was free.

"Link," Allen breathed, shooting up from his chair excitedly. "I'm free, Link! I'm free!" he shouted in joy. He threw his hands up in the air and fist pumped, then shook the inspector excitedly. He turned to the guards and stole Cross's alcohol. "Let's all celebrate," he invited the guards over. "We're all free!"

"PARTY HARD!" guard #1 shouted in agreement.

"Let's get a DJ in here," Allen grinned. "And call Jerry- tell him to make lots of food for the party," he told guard #2.

Guard #2 left to get the food. Allen called Komui and told him there would be a party, and exorcists quickly filled the room as clubbing music blared over the speakers. The lights flashed in the darkened room while the Black Order employees danced to the beat. Lenalee jumped on top of a table, and dove into the crowd.

Komui protested at such behavior, but after he was offered Lenalee's coffee, he quickly calmed. Lavi hung from the chandelier on the ceiling, yelling "strike" every time he saw a pretty lady in the crowd. Kanda hung out in the corner like an emo with his Segway, whereas Miranda and Noise Marie were having the time of their lives at the party.

The generals seemed to be happy that their comrade, Cross, had finally up and left. Socalo congratulated Allen for driving Cross away, and offered to be Allen's new mentor. Allen accepted since he doubted his master would ever come back. Froi Tiedoll created a portrait of Allen in his honor, and Klaud was simply grateful to have that pervert out of the building.

All in all, Allen was having a good time. He stepped outside of the room for some fresh air, laughing at Link's impersonation of a lamp. He left the inspector behind now that they didn't have to worry about anymore conspiracy. Allen breathed in the cool nighttime air, and stepped outside for the first in months.

_It's been such a long time since I've been able to leave, _Allen thought. Before he was able to go any further, a hand tapped him on the shoulders.

"Melon," the voice behind him said.

Allen froze and slowly turned around, only to see his master holding a gigantic watermelon in his arms. He jumped in surprise and stumbled backwards, falling to the ground with wide eyes. His master crouched down beside him and sat down on the grass, putting the watermelon between them.

"What are you doing?" Allen sighed.

"Melon," Cross repeated. "You wanted one, didn't you?"

"…."

"Jerry wasn't in his kitchen and I couldn't find the regular melons," Cross explained to his apprentice. "So I looked around until I found this huge watermelon. Close enough, right? They're related."

"…"

"I mean, it IS a big melon," Cross continued on, oblivious to Allen's shocked state. "Anyways, who _doesn't _like big melons?"

"…"

"We should eat it together," he said while an arm flung around Allen's shoulders. Cross scooted closer and pushed the watermelon towards his pupil. Allen didn't speak or move, allowing Cross to use Crown Clown to cut the watermelon in half.

Ignoring the misuse of Innocence, Cross ate the fruit without caring about the mess it would later leave. Allen looked down at his half, and his stomach growled in response. _I may as well_, he thought.

Allen tried to eat his share, but a bullet stopped him from taking the first bite. Allen yelped and scrambled backwards, dropping the watermelon to the ground. Judgment had been drawn and Cross used it to obliterate the fruit into nothing.

"What are you doing?" Allen shouted at his master.

"Just now," Cross growled, a black aura surrounding him while his one eye glowed a dark red, much like a demon. "Just now, that melon tried to do something funny."

Allen blinked. "Funny? Melons can't tell jokes."

"No." Cross shook his head and smashed the melon with his foot, smearing it all over the ground. "No. That melon tried to pull something _funny,"_ he put extra emphasis on the last word, "This is why I hate all kinds of melons."

"But didn't you just eat one?" Allen frowned.

"… That I did, that I did," Cross muttered to himself. He shot the watermelon's remains regardless.

"Why do you hate them again?" It seemed silly to hate a fruit, and Allen didn't understand it one bit.

Cross began to dig a small hole in the ground, pushing the leftovers of the watermelon into the grave. Dirt covered up the fruit quickly, and Cross stood to stomp on it. Judgment was drawn once again to shoot, and Allen wasn't sure whether he should stop his master, or walk away.

Eventually, Cross was satisfied with his hate crime against melons. He put Judgment away and turned to Allen, who _still_ didn't know what was happening.

"Master, I think you need a therapist," Allen voiced his thoughts from where he sat on the ground.

Cross sneered at Allen's opinion.

"Shut up!" he barked, hitting his apprentice on the head. Allen winced, but against his own discretion, spoke again.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Another punch to the head.

"NO."

"Are you sure?" Allen tried.

"_Yes_, now let's get the hell out of here before they realize I'm still alive," Cross grabbed Allen by the scruff of his neck, dragging him along in search of the shortest route to town.

Allen stayed quiet as he was kidnapped from the Order, but piped up when they reached civilization half an hour later.

"I'm always available if you want to talk about your melon trauma," Allen offered.

"… maybe later. Alcohol first."

Allen moaned and prepared his wallet, because he knew his master sure as hell wasn't going to pay.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Saying "melon" in hopes that Cross would leave like he did to Jerry.

Foiled by: Cross thinking Allen wanted a melon and returning with fruit.

When Cross said "that melon tried to do something funny," he was implying that the melon tried to (somehow) flirt with Allen. That right there was the return of Mama Cross, my friends :)

… This chapter just gave me an idea. You'll see.


	29. Chapter 29

101 Attempts – Return Of The Melon

Title: OH MY GOD WTF

Featuring the author herself. Enjoy :)

._.

The author known as OrangeMoonGoddess sat atop her favorite spot in the sky, typing away on her computer as she thought of ways to torment the being known as Allen Walker. She stared intently at the screen, determined to conjure up the funniest idea yet for her viewers. After writing several crack chapters and pointless battles, her audience was beginning to expect more and more of her. It was frustrating, but she liked a challenge.

Deciding staring at her laptop would do no good, she looked down from her cloud to spy on the characters of the universe she had created. Inspiration for hew next chapter was needed, and urgently. OrangeMoonGoddess liked to stockpile her chapters for this series so that she at least had ten on hand at all times. Inside her FanFiction account's Doc Manager were the next eleven chapters for her story, but OCD pushed her into writing even more. The problem was that after writing so much, she had used up all of the "funny" in her system, and she knew that she would have to replenish it quickly.

Down below she spotted her version of Allen Walker constructing a cannon of some sort. OrangeMoonGoddess leaned over the cloud to get a better look at the exorcist's project, wondering what her victim was doing. With a quick glance at the script, she noticed that building wasn't part of Allen's agenda for today. Alarmed, the writer lowered her cloud to further inspect the suspicious activity.

Unless her characters were determined, they never went out of line. She hadn't done much lately that would make any of them go against her will. Returning to her computer to verify that, she scrolled through her published chapters in the live preview of "101 Failed Attempts At Escaping From Cross Marian." There was content that would make other characters want to rebel, but when she checked on them, they were going about normally. So what was Allen doing, then?

_Well, they do seem to have memories of each attempt they're involved in, _she thought as she scanned her work. It was possible that Allen remembered every chapter so far and was having a mental break down.

But that would mean…

OrangeMoonGoddess snapped her head back to where Allen was building his cannon. She glanced at her computer screen, to the completed cannon, and then Allen's maliciously smiling face.

"Oh shit," she whispered.

Allen fired the first cannonball, and the projectile soared past the writer's face as she ducked. The writer was sent flying off of her cloud when the cannonball exploded behind her, nearly destroying her computer in the process. She clutched her laptop to her chest as she plunged to the ground, thinking up an object below that would soften the impact.

A gigantic marshmallow materialized underneath the writer. She bounced on the white treat, feeling dizzy from the fall and impact. Before Allen could reload the cannon to shoot her again, OrangeMoonGoddess snapped her fingers and created a staircase to get to the ground.

The disadvantage of using a cannon was that the target needed to be a certain distance away. OrangeMoonGoddess transformed her laptop into a pen, and from a pen she changed it to a sword. Confident she could defend herself should Allen attack, she closed the distance between them and leapt on top of the cannon.

"What are you trying to do, idiot beansprout?" she demanded. Recognizing that name as offensive and one the other creations used, she corrected herself, "Allen, I mean. Why are you trying to kill me?"

Allen smiled "innocently" and activated Crown Clown.

"Because if I kill you, then I can escape my master," Allen explained simply. "No hard feelings. I just think you're a bitch for putting me through this."

OrangeMoonGoddess chucked the sword at Allen and it changed into a bullet midair, hitting him in the chest. Instead of resurrecting this Allen, it would be much easier to kill him and create a new one.

Allen screamed and collapsed to the floor, clutching his bleeding chest.

"_No hard feelings_," the writer mocked the dying boy. "I just think you're a bitch for putting me through this."

The boy coughed up blood, but brought himself back up to his own two feet. He used the side of the cannon as support, staining the wood and metal with his blood. Allen glared up at the writer, somehow managing to jump up to attack. OrangeMoonGoddess blocked the attack, summoning her bullet/computer/pen back to her side and morphed it into a wand.

She waved her weapon in the air, and retreated as the man known as Cross Marian was summoned into battle.

"Kill the scumbag, scumbag," she ordered the general.

Cross used his magic fairy powers to bring a sleek and black grave out from the ground. The grave was smaller than it usually was, she thought as Cross removed the golden chains containing the exorcist Maria.

The grave opened, but instead of Maria…

"Master, what the HELL is that?" Allen exclaimed.

… was the watermelon Cross had killed last chapter.

"It's my new weapon, Grave of Watermelon," Cross proudly told his apprentice. "After you convinced me that watermelons weren't that bad with your therapy, I decided to make amends to the fruit I viciously murdered just the other day. Unfortunately it was already dead, so I brought it back to life to use its power without its permission!"

Allen was stunned into silence. Cross activated Grave of Watermelon's power after Allen didn't respond after a while. Vines shot out to restrain Allen, and OrangeMoonGoddess took this chance to escape to safety. She had faith in Cross; she knew he would kick his apprentice's ass.

As Allen suffered, OrangeMoonGoddess made note to make Cross the ruler of some country to reward him later.

Emperor Cross Marian McScumbag III seemed to be a fitting name.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Trying to kill OrangeMoonGoddess to destroy the series, and as result be able to escape Cross (who won't find him unless he actually tries).

Foiled by: Cross summoning Grave of Watermelon and stopping him while I get to safety :D

(This counts as an attempt, right?)

If this isn't original, then I don't know what is.

R&R? :D Reviews make my day like you wouldn't believe ^^


	30. Bonus Chapter 2: Pay It Maybe

101 Attempts- Extra

Original Song: Call Me Maybe

New Song: Pay It Maybe

A/N: Sorry Allen. But I had to. This is an extra chapter for everyone who has put up will me so far :)

._.

I threw that kid down a well,

He told me "go burn in hell"

I looked to Tim as he fell

And now I'm laughing hard

I'd trade that kid for a beer

His cries and screams for a shot,

I really didn't want him

But now he's in my way

Your glare was holdin'

Big tears, eyes were puffy

Nighttime, I was drinkin'

Where you think you're goin', moron?

Hey, I just met you

And this is crazy

But here are my debts

So pay them, maybe?

It's hard to look right

At you, moron

But here are my debts,

So pay them, maybe?

Hey, I just met you,

And this is crazy,

But here are my debts

So pay them, maybe?

And all the loan sharks

Try to chase me

But here are my debts

So pay them, maybe?

You took your time with the bills

I took no time to get drunk

You gave me no cash at all

But still, you're in my way

I drink, and drink, then get drunk

And I flirt with the girls

I didn't know I would feel it,

But I feel great

Your glare was holdin'

Big tears, eyes were puffy

Nighttime, I was drinkin'

Where you think you're goin', moron?

Hey, I just met you

And this is crazy

But here are my debts

So pay them, maybe?

It's hard to look right

At you, moron

But here are my debts,

So pay them, maybe?

Hey, I just met you,

And this is crazy,

But here are my debts

So pay them, maybe?

And all the loan sharks

Try to chase me

But here are my debts

So pay them, maybe?

Before you came into my life

I didn't drink as much,

I didn't drink as much,

I didn't drink much, at all

Before you came into my life,

I didn't drink as much,

Now you should know that,

I drink so much, much more

It's hard to look right

At you, moron

But here are my debts,

So pay them, maybe?

Hey, I just met you

I know you hate me,

But here are my debts,

So pay them, maybe?

And all the loan sharks,

Try to chase me,

But here are my debts,

So pay them, maybe?

Before you came into my life,

I didn't drink as much,

Now you should know that,

I drink so much, much more

Before you came into my life,

I didn't drink as much,

But you could pay my debts,

So pay them, Allen?

._.

Should I count this as an attempt :\ ?

Yeah, I probably will.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Trying to get away by any method (you chose)

Foiled by: Cross pestering Allen to pay his debts and always finding him.

Done :D

R&R for more? I think I'll post something like this every fifteen chapters. These rewrites literally take me five minutes to write, so I don't see why not. It's fun to parody songs :D I wonder which song I ruin next ^^

-Is in the mood for music-


	31. Chapter 31

101 Attempts- Assassination With Friends

Title: This Time, Every Character Dies

TEAM DEATH MATCH, **** YEAH!

Sorry, I just need to practice writing action. It's alright to tell me if it sucks (because I know it does ;_; )

I wanted to upload the chapter of Cross's melon trauma... but I wanted to upload this one more.

._.

"_Distract the target while I get into position_," the voice Howard Link whispered into Allen's communication device. Allen adjusted the earpiece and casually walked over to his master's unoccupied table in the cafeteria. He carried his usual order (everything on the menu) and sat down across from his master. The redhead looked up suspiciously and set his coffee down.

"It's not going to work," Cross informed his apprentice.

Allen feigned innocence with a false smile.

"What are you talking about?" Allen went on eating his breakfast, ignoring the disapproving look his master was sending him. There was no way Cross knew about the assassination. No way.

But he did.

"Don't play stupid with me," Cross sneered. "For one, under normal circumstances,_ I_ would be the one approaching _you._ Second, your smile isn't as idiotic as it usually is," he explained to his dumbfounded apprentice. "Three, I can see the earpiece."

Allen sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose when the bullet from Link's sniper rifle missed.

"Good luck with getting rid of me, idiot," Cross scoffed.

Cross grabbed a passing by Bookman and used him as a shield against the second fire. Bookman's body jerked upon impact and the old man coughed up blood. Allen screamed and backed away, abandoning his master as the second battle royale commenced. He had been at the last one, and he hadn't liked it one bit. Instead of trying to end the madness, he joined Link on the ceiling. The inspector was cursing as the attempt had failed, but he was saved from returning fire as a shout rang out from the entrance to the room.

"You killed Bookman, you team-killing fucktard!" *

Lavi, enraged over the death of Bookman, invoked his Innocence and swung his hammer at Cross, who jumped out of the way and shot at Lavi midair. A bullet lodged itself into Lavi's right eye, and the bookman junior let out a cry of pain as he collapsed to the ground.

Lenalee saw this and joined the battle, only this time she was able to dodge the bullets. In a split second she appeared beside Cross to deliver a roundhouse kick to his face. The general stumbled but regained his grounds, his attention now focused on the Chinese woman. He scowled and this time retreated, causing Lenalee's kick to go straight into Miranda Lotto's face.

Allen watched as his master summoned Grave of Maria, and knew they were in trouble. He about to stop him, but a Segway came flying through the air and impaled Maria's throat before Cross could send the first order. Cross's gaze darted in the direction the Segway had come from, but he already knew who the perpetrator had been. Kanda Yuu stood atop the mass of dying finder bodies, unsheathing Mugen to challenge the homicidal general.

"Asshole," Cross spat. He put his finger on Judgment's trigger, but forgot about Lenalee as her foot knocked the gun out of his hand. Cross reached for his gun, but a still-alive Lavi grabbed his ankles and held him in place while Lenalee smashed him into the wall. Lenalee dashed to the side and Kanda came forward with his weapon, thrusting the metal of his sword through Cross's right shoulder.

Blood gushed from the wound and Allen nearly fell from the beam he was crouching on. He was surprised that Kanda had actually been able to penetrate Cross's plot armor**. He wondered if Cross had dropped down from his spot on the recent popularity poll; that Segway seemed to be getting a lot more feedback from the audience than the rest of them were as of late.

Kanda made the mistake of leaving Cross on his own, and pulled his sword out of his body. The sword accidently flew backwards into Chaozii's face. Kanda pretended that didn't happen and reclaimed his sword, stepping over Lavi's body in the process.

"Hey, don't just leave me here," Lavi called out, dragging his body up and clinging onto the Japanese Exorcist's leg.

"Get the fuck off, stupid rabbit," Kanda ordered. He put his foot in between Lavi's eyes. Lavi's skull was crushed by Kanda's boot, and the bookman junior died on the ground with a pool of blood surrounding him.

"Wait, we're not supposed to _actually_ kill anyone," Lenalee shouted over Lavi's dying moaning.

"General Cross killed Bookman, Link tried to assassinate Cross, Allen actually used some of his money on something to benefit society instead of his master's debts***, and Mugen killed Chaozii. We're basically fucked, so we may as well," Kanda explained himself, and removed the sword from Chaozii.

"Good point," Lenalee conceded. "Only this time…" she spun around and shoved the heel of Dark Boots right through Jerry's skull. "Jerry won't win."

Allen gasped, and in a mad rage jumped down from his hiding spot.

"You can't kill the cook!" he berated Lenalee, activating Crown Clown and creating a triangle of murderous Exorcists. "You _never _kill the cook," he scolded. "Now we're all going to starve to death. Way to go, Lenalee. Now we're all **definitely **going to die."

"The author already decided that!" she shouted to her defense. "This time everyone is going to die; Hevlaska said so."

Two shots rang out in the air, and both Lenalee and Kanda collapsed to the ground beside the horribly mutilated Lavi. Allen stared at the bodies in shock, and then to the inspector still camping out on the beam. Allen turned on his communicator to shout at him.

"Why did you do that?" Allen demanded, glaring up at the crouching figure. He couldn't believe OrangeMoonGoddess was really going to kill everyone again. How would she be able to write anymore chapters with them all dead?

Link replied over their radio but showed no signs of remorse. "They were about to kill you, and it's part of my job description to make sure you stay alive."

"But not because you care or anything," Allen confirmed.

Link didn't deign to respond to that.

Allen sighed and turned off the radio, kneeling beside his best friends to pay final respect to them. More shots pierced the air, only this time it was Link who died. The inspector was knocked from his position and fell on top of Krory, who was crushed by impact.

"Gotcha," Cross grinned, limping beside Allen and using his apprentice for support.

"Why did you-"

"Because _he_ killed_ your_ friends," Cross said simply, not caring how his blood was getting all over Allen's brand new uniform. "Who says I can't take care of my idiot when he's upset?" Cross patted Allen on the head and slumped down onto one of the broken benches. He fished his lighter and cigarette box out of his pocket, taking the last stick and lighting it.

"… Had you been anyone else, I might have been touched," Allen deadpanned. "Have I ever told you how much I hate you?"

Cross nodded.

"Yeah, couple chapters ago I think," he said. "Then we went to hell, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember that," Allen scowled venomously. "You wouldn't stop bugging me as we were being burned alive by fire. Thanks for that, jackass. As if being tortured by Satan wasn't enough."

Cross shrugged and exhaled the smoke.

"What can I say? Harassing you passes the time," was all he said.

As Cross and Allen sat back, the madness ensued by Klaud Nine defending herself against an advancing Winters Socalo. The Mexican general decapitated the woman and spun around to stab Froi Tiedoll in the stomach. Apocryphos attempted to interfere in the manslaughter, but a paper star lodged itself in his chest, reducing him to dust.

Meanwhile, Komui engaged in mortal combat with Reever Wenham. The chief chucked paper stars at Reever, while the science head was throwing the rejected experiments that piled up over the years.

"You see these papers?" Komui shouted. "That's all the paperwork your division has caused me! NOW DIE!" he shrieked pathetically, throwing the origami stars at Reever's face.

"I don't think so," Johnny yelled. He appeared with one of Jerry's frying pans and hit the chief over the head, instantly killing him.

"Thanks Johnny-" Reever started to say, but was cut off by the other frying pan in Johnny's hand. Reever died as well, and Johnny moved on to his next target, Winters Socalo.

Socalo recognized the threat and an epic battle ensued. Johnny brought the pan up to strike Socalo on the head, but Socalo blocked the attack with his Innocence. Johnny used his free hand to bring the other pan around so that it hit the general in the stomach. Socalo doubled over and fell to the ground, but before Johnny had the chance to kill him, Miranda came flying out of nowhere to stop him.

Then again, there wasn't much Miranda could actually do so she died quickly. Noise Marie rushed to the deceased woman's side, but was taken out by Socalo's Innocence as the general got back to his own two feet. Johnny and Socalo resumed their fight, while the Head Nurse used her syringes to stab the Noahs that were infiltrating the Black Order. A piano fell from the sky and crushed her, making it impossible for anyone to heal.

Cross tilted his head to watch the Noahs crashing through the windows, and shot them each down one by one. Road dodged the barrage of bullets to tackle Allen, and tried to kiss the poor exorcist like she did back on the Ark. Cross saw this and didn't like the thought of anyone touching his property. Instead of shooting her, Cross stole a knife from someone's food plate and stabbed her in the back.

"Master!" Allen exclaimed. Road's corpse slumped to the floor, and Allen was forced to remove the top of his uniform because of the blood. He glared pointedly at his master, who took down Tyki as well.

"I think that's three," Cross muttered. "Help me keep count of how many people I kill."

"Well, you killed Bookman, Link, Road, and Tyki… oh, you have yet to kill the Five Generals and Malcom C. Lvellie," Allen added at the end. "You should probably kill them," he told his master seriously. "Should we spare that Timothy Hearst kid?"

"No one will be spared." Cross sounded determined to end the madness. "Except you; you still need to pay my debts. Then you can die."

"Fantastic," Allen rolled his eyes sarcastically.

"Of course it is!" Cross exclaimed. "This way you can watch all of your loved ones die."

"You're fucked up," Allen spat in disgust.

Cross was quiet for a full minute while every Noah around them died as Johnny abandoned his fight to assault them with Jerry's frying pan. Some of the Noahs escaped and killed all of the Black Order's personnel and other useless characters, saving Cross the trouble of hunting them down.

After a while Cross said something about women and left to assassinate the people on his list. The Millennium Earl was the first to go, actually wiped off the list by his fellow Noah. Cross shot the last Noahs, those being Lulu Bell and Sheril Kamelot. The other Noahs weren't important enough so they died to make room for new characters in the D. Gray Man series. The Third Exorcists died too by Lero, the pumpkin umbrella that blew up after the death of all of the Noahs.

Allen tagged along in Cross's killing spree, and witnessed his master nearly lose to the powerless Hevlaska at the end.

They returned to the cafeteria and found Johnny delivering the finishing blow to Socalo. The Mexican general slowly closed his eyes while taking his last breaths, and Allen screamed in distress.

"_NO!_" he screamed. "NOT AGAIN!"

Allen ran to Socalo, a flashback of chapter twenty-five replaying in his mind. Socalo tried to catch Allen's attention, but Allen wasted his dying moments by reminiscing the past they already knew.

As Allen cried over the loss, Cross slowly raised his gun to Johnny's head and shot him for upsetting his idiot. The death of the scientist ended the madness, if only temporarily. Cross picked his apprentice off of the floor, intending on bringing him with him. He threw Allen over his shoulders and killed Timcanpy as the golden golem approached. Then Neah died laughing inside of Allen's head, truly leaving Allen and Cross as the only survivors.

They left the Black Order and Cross killed The Gatekeeper on his way out.

"Now that you and me are_ literally_ the last people on Earth," he drawled as he observed the apocalyptic world before them. "What do you suppose we do?"

Allen looked up at the sky and saw a gigantic, flaming meteor heading their way.

"Burn it," Allen answered.

Cross raised one eyebrow.

"Speaking in fragmented sentences isn't going to help me understand what you want us to do," he told his apprentice.

"Let's burn it all down to the ground," Allen told his master. "Burn it with fire, drown it with water, strike it with lightening, nuke it, blow it up, and then leave it all for the Asia Branch to clean up, just like we always do."

"… Sounds like a good idea," Cross agreed with a slow nod.

And then the meteor landed on master and apprentice, sending them both to hell.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Assassinating Cross (aka Allen escaping him in death. But not his own death. Just Cross's)

Failed: Accidently having Link kill Bookman instead, starting the second battle royale. Then, at the end, being damned to a life in hell with Cross (again).

*A Red vs Blue reference :)

** Plot armor- basically, a character's invincibility.

*** By "benefit society," Kanda is referring to how Allen used his money to get rid of Cross.

Alright, I hope I killed everyone this time. Hoshino better not make more characters, because then I'll have to write a THIRD team death match. I might just do that anyways, but only because I enjoy writing these. How about next time we do a reviewer death match? Anyone that reviews can be put in the chapter and you can see how I kill you (after foiling Allen's escape attempt, of course).

R&R? :D Tell me what your favorite part was and why ^^ I liked the part with Komui and his papers :D


	32. Chapter 32

101 Attempts- Melon Trauma

Title: The Melons Killed My Family

Summary: Cross tells Allen about his trauma as a child.

A/N: I'm sick D: I have who-cares-what-the-fuck-it-is-because-I'm-sick-and-it-doesn't-matter :D

But seriously. I _am_ sick ._.

._.

"- and back when I was a brat like _you_," Cross slurred his words on his tenth drink, throwing his arm around his apprentice who wanted nothing more but to leave. "You know, we didn't even have those things back then. They were imported from some other country, part of a big trade or some shit."

Allen was too busy to listen as he was paying for Cross's drinks before the bill piled up.

Cross frowned when he realized his apprentice wasn't looking at him. To him the boy was a complete blur (and it didn't help that his vision sucked) but he knew it was Allen because of the idiot air the boy radiated.

"Listen, idiot," Cross ordered like a whining child. "Didn't you want to hear about my traumatic past?"

"No, not really," Allen admitted as Cross hit him on the head.

Cross pretended he didn't hear that.

"You see," he began while Allen tried to squirm away. Cross was offended by this, and summoned Grave of Watermelon to keep Allen still with vines. "Stop that! Why do you always try to run away from me?" the drunk man sniffed. "You're such an idiot, idiot."

With no other choice as the vines responded to Allen's resistance, the boy stilled. That didn't stop him from trying to reach for the knife nearby to cut the vines, though.

"Alright," Cross slurred and quickly finished his mug of beer. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand before he continued. "_As I was saying_," he glared at his apprentice, and then swatted away the hand that nearly grabbed the knife. "I used to be happy-go-lucky guy like… like I don't know. I forgot who I wanted to mention. You get the point, though."

Allen rolled his eyes but listened regardless.

"It was a hot summer day," Cross recalled. "We were all fucking miserable and the cat shit in the well so we couldn't get any fucking water." * Cross scowled as he remembered their pet, Diana. Stupid piece of shit- he had told his family that thing would do no good. "So we went out to the market to get some. That was when our mother found the melons.

"We didn't know what they were at first, but the shopkeeper was all '_You should buy these! Buy one get one free!_' so we were all '_okay_.'" Cross shook his head in regret as he further recounted that day to his apprentice. "We went home and we opened them, but then…"

Allen raised one eyebrow. It was obvious that he didn't believe a word Cross was saying, but Cross didn't notice his apprentice's skepticism.

The memory of that fateful day burned before his hazy vision. The screaming, the horror, the blood and carnage from that day were all too clear. Cross lowered his head and continued to tell his makeshift therapist about his trauma.

"The melons," he growled through gritted teeth. "Mother tried to open the melons. She tried to cut it open, but the knife was too weak." Cross took the knife out of Allen's reach, not wanting his apprentice to make the same mistake. He put the knife on his side so Allen couldn't get it. "The knife bounced off of the melon and straight into father's face. Father tried to pull it out with mother's help, but father died and mother accidently stabbed herself when she finally removed the knife.

"At the time, my older sister, Maria, was visiting home because she was in the area for a mission." Allen struggled in the vines out of desperation, but the vines squeezed harder to prevent escape. The boy was saying that he didn't care about Cross's past, but Cross did so too bad for Allen. "Maria slipped on the blood and was knocked unconscious, drowning in the blood of our parents. My little brother tried to exact revenge on the melon for murdering our parents-"

"But master, the melons didn't actually do anything-"

"I DON'T CARE!" Cross roared and nearly shattered Allen's eardrum.

Allen clutched his ears while his ears rang. Cross ignored Allen's pain and suffering to refocus the attention on his story.

"My brother tried to avenge our family by destroying the melons, but their armor was too thick for him to try anything. He used the gun father kept under his pillow, but the bullet he shot ricocheted and hit him, then took out my right eye," Cross pointed to the mask he kept on the right side of his face. "The police came and took me to the hospital at some point. They questioned me, but they threw me in the mental institution when I told them that the melons killed my family.

"The melons got off scotch-free," Cross remembered. "I learned magic from my roommate, Harry. He kept claiming to be a wizard at a place called Hogwarts, but I managed to ignore his rambling for two years. I broke out, found Maria's body after remembering she was an exorcist, and resurrected her."

Allen contemplated this new set of information and sat on his stool silently. The vines slowly unwrapped from around him, but tightened when he attempted to bolt away. Cross was too drunk to understand what his apprentice just did, so he assumed that Allen was tired and needed sleep.

Several more attempts at failed escaping later and Allen resigned for good. The white-haired exorcist sighed but didn't question Cross's story.

"Then after _that_," a familiar voice drawled from beside Allen, "you tried to get revenge on the melons by using your sister's powers. Then you became a scientist at the Black Order to defend the world against the evil known as melons. The Innocence recognized your resolve, and you became Judgment's accommodator!"

"Lavi," Allen narrowed his eyes and spoke his friend's name in a warning tone. "Get out of here."

Lavi gave Allen a mildly offended look.

"I went to find you when I heard your pathetic and desperate calls for help," he told Allen. "I thought you were in trouble so I came as quickly as I could, but then I overheard your master's story and realized you were just trying to escape again." Lavi shrugged and flagged down the bartender to order. He put it on Allen's tab. "You should really just stop trying to get away. I mean, he obviously cares for you."

Cross clapped his hands and shot up from his seat. "I agree!" he exclaimed. He almost fell over in his drunken state, but leaned on Allen's head for support. "You know, what with the debts, calling you an idiot, making your life a living hell and so forth. Isn't that what any other loving father would do for his child?"

Allen twitched.

"Okay, ONE," he directed his glare back to his master. "Don't you dare even try to replace Mana." Cross opened his mouth to speak but Allen cut him off. "Two, all of those examples of a 'loving' parent? Those are bullshit. And three, I fucking hate you. I want you to burn in hell."

"Hey, what about me?" Lavi teased and nudged Allen in the side.

"I hate you too," Allen hissed.

Cross smirked and patted Allen on the head.

Allen tried to bite Cross's finger.

The vines tightened.

Allen settled for glaring at his master.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words and looks won't kill me," Cross shrugged. "But Apocryphos will." He sat down next to Allen and rethought that. "Maybe."

Meanwhile, Apocryphos stood from his seat next to Cross and hurriedly left the bar. But not after putting his order on Allen's tab.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Trying to ditch a drunken Cross at a bar

Foiled by: Cross being stubborn and taking up Allen's offer to listen to the melon trauma.

* I died when I wrote that. I know, I KNOW it's disgusting, but… xD

Okay, so Allen has been swearing a lot lately. Keep in mind that this is a parody and isn't exactly meant to be realistic.


	33. Chapter 33

101 Attempts- Mr. Rhetorical Question

Title: There's Nowhere To Hide, Allen.

Warning: This chapter contains a copious amount of bullshit. Viewer discretion is advised.

Message me if you want to know where I got the jokes :)

._.

There was a time when Allen enjoyed his naps.

In his dreams, Cross Marian, the one man he hated did not exist. Because of this, Allen looked forward to the nighttime. In real life he could never escape from his master, but his mind provided the perfect get away, even though his dreams were short-lived and always forgotten in the mornings. He didn't mind, so long as he could get away from debts and all other money-related matters for a while.

For years Allen retreated to his paradise and emerged from his dreams refreshed. Upon joining the Black Order the dreams grew longer and he worried less about seeing his master. Then Komui sent them on a mission to retrieve the general. Allen began to worry again but didn't express his worries to his friends.

After nearly dying, almost losing his Innocence only to have it evolve into something else, losing all of his friends on the Ark and bringing them back, being assigned a bodyguard, returning to the Order with his master, and then rescuing the Order when it was attacked by a Noah and Level 4 akuma, Allen's sanity _somehow_ remained intact. None of these events triggered the nightmares that destroyed his happy place.

It was Tyki Mikk, Noah of Pleasure, who ruined Allen's one escape from Cross Marian.

._.

"_Alllleeeeeeeen!"_

_Allen Walker winced and turned around to see an idiotic-looking man rushing towards him, surrounded by idiot flowers and sunshine. Tyki Mikk waved from down the road, but Allen scowled in response. Unfortunately Allen didn't have control over this part of his lucid dreams where the nightmare began each time. Everything but this went according to Allen's will, and he had no idea why that was._

_His feet refused to move and Allen bent down to force them to. He tugged at his legs but to no avail. Behind him Tyki Mikk was closing in, smiling idiotically with a paper in his hands. Fearing it was some sort of debt, Allen threw himself at the floor to drag his body along. It didn't work._

"_Allen, I need you to quiz me so I can do better next time," Tyki bent down to the body on the ground, and showed the paper to the white-haired boy. Allen glanced over it and saw that it was a quiz of some sort. Every answer was marked wrong in red pen, the questions barely legible and the score at the top marked zero. Allen had to remember that Tyki never received a proper education and sighed._

"_Fine," he groaned. When he resigned, his body was set free and he was able to at least sit up. Tyki sat next to him and handed him the paper._

"_Alright, so my first question," Tyki began seriously. __"__If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?"_

You've got to be kidding me_, Allen thought exasperatedly. _Not this again_._

"_Of course not," he answered patiently. He only had to wait until Tyki was done with his questions, and then he would wake up. At the most Tyki asked ten, but there had been times when their "study session" went on for _hours_._

_Tyki pointed to the second question on the paper. The text suddenly morphed from a quiz to a paper with poorly-taken notes and doodles filling the gaps. Allen didn't want to know why that had happened or how since this was a dream. Most of what occurred was plain nonsense and a waste of energy to even wonder about. Even if gay cacti sprouted from the ground or antichrist unicorns pranced around in a field of dead bunnies, Allen refused to give a shit._

_Allen rubbed his head and scanned over the notes. It was the alphabet. He put the paper down and pinched the bridge of his nose, wanting to face palm so bad. This was just another bad dream. He could handle this. Soon Tyki would leave his dreams and never come back; Allen just had to bear with this for a little longer._

"_Boy, you were one-armed at one point," Tyki drawled. A lit cigarette materialized from thin air for him to smoke. "How would you go about handcuffing a one-armed man?"_

"… _You don't."_

"_If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?"_

"_How should I know?" Allen muttered under his breath._

"_If you drink Pepsi at work in a Coca-Cola factory, will they fire you?"_

Oh God, please kill me_._

"_I don't know the answer to that."_

"_Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?"_

"_So idiots like _you_ don't try to come back to life," Allen snapped._

_Tyki didn't hear him._

"_Can fat people go skinny-dipping?"_

"_Yes. It's called chunky-dunking."_

"_If there is a speed of light, is there a speed of dark?" Tyki fired off another question. Allen wondered which question they were on and if he could leave soon._

"_No, I don't-"_

"_What sound does a giraffe make?"_

"_I've never-"_

"_If you're in hell and get mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?"_

"_I-"_

"_If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Why is it called a TV 'set' if you only get one? Can a school teacher give a homeless child homework?" Tyki spoke so rapidly that Allen had a hard time keeping up with what he was saying. Allen stopped answering and let Tyki ask away. "Can you put a homeless person on house arrest? Do you think there's ever a day when mattresses aren't on sale?"_

I give up,_ Allen thought. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm himself. When he opened his eyes again, the image of Tyki Mikk was slowly fading away. Allen smiled in relief as he was hit with a blinding light, signaling the end of his nightmare. Without hesitation, Allen ran towards to the light and back into reality._

…

Allen woke in the middle of the night shaking and clutching onto his sheets. He sat up in bed and groaned as his throbbing head spun. Taking a few moments to calm down, Allen sat on his bed while his heart's beating gradually slowed. He rubbed his blurry eyes as the memory of the dream slipped away. That was good; he had a feeling he didn't want to remember anyways.

Shuffling from the other side of the room brought his attention to where three figures crowded around his dresser. Howard Link was wide awake and standing by Allen's bed, while the trio across the room scavenged through his clothes. Allen stared and pinched himself to make sure he was awake. Unfortunately he felt the pinch, meaning he wasn't dreaming, and that three strangers infiltrated his sleeping place to do God-knows-what while the supervisor did nothing to stop them.

"Who are you people and what are you doing?" Allen demanded. He shot out of bed to switch on the lights. The lights revealed an unexpected combination of people and Allen glared, folding his arms in disapproval.

The first figure was Road Kamelot, who held one of Allen's underwear in her hands. Allen didn't know what to think of that. Beside her was Tyki Mikk, still searching through Allen's clothes along with the third figure, Cross Marian. Allen looked to Link for an explanation.

"They come here and do this every night," Link informed his charge. "I thought it was normal."

Allen wanted to bang his head against the wall. He didn't know why these… weirdos came here on a daily basis to search his belongings. He didn't know how two Noahs were allowed to enter the building without anyone doing anything about the security breach, but quite frankly he was too tired to care about the Black Order's poor security.

"Idiot apprentice, come here and try this on," Cross ordered, waving a pink horror at his pupil. "Since you're awake we'd like your opinion. It's no fun dressing someone who doesn't even respond."

Again, Allen glared at Link.

"They told me they do that all the time," Link defended himself.

Allen let out a frustrated groan.

"You people are insane!" he shouted, turning on his heel to leave the room. Before he could twist the doorknob to escape, the room's occupants dog piled on Allen to tackle him to the floor.

"Sorry Allen, but you're not leaving until we say so," Road apologized.

"Yeah. You still need to try on those dresses Road brought along," Cross added. "Tyki even went so far as to bring a camera!"

"Which is your good side: left or right?"

"What's your favorite color?"

"I hope you like frills."

Allen was ready to pull out his hair as the trio bombarded him with questions. Road was trying force the clothes on Allen while Tyki was snapping photos. Cross seemed to be preoccupied by braiding his apprentice's hair. Link did nothing to stop the madness.

"… You know what?" Allen snapped. "Just do whatever the hell you want."

And so they did.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Escaping in his own dreams.

Ruined by: Tyki Mikk being a nuisance.

I like pie.

What about you?

Do you like pie?...

…

Please message me.

I'm very lonely. I hate being sick.

;_;


	34. Chapter 34

101 Attempts – Getting kidnapped again

Title: Don't Worry, He Gets Abducted As Often As Cross Drinks.

Title #2: Italicizing Your Words Means You're Telling The Truth

A/N: Shortest chapter ever.

Cool down chapter.

._.

Allen Walker woke up surrounded by darkness. His body lay against the metal surface of what seemed to be the back of a van. Groggy eyes opened while he flexed his hands uselessly. The darkness was too thick for him to make out anything past a few inches, and his hands were cuffed behind his back. Allen tried to sit up, but he fell back down when the van took a sudden turn. His body was tossed around in the darkness as the van bumped along the road. This irritated him, but he kept quiet as to not alert his kidnappers.

He didn't know what was going on, why he was here, or what he should do in this situation. Allen didn't make any noise in hopes of overhearing a conversation, anything at all, but the wall separating him from the front must have been soundproof. He could only hear sirens blaring in the distance and the rattling of the worn-down vehicle he rode in.

A light bulb went off in his head when he realized he could use his Innocence to escape. Allen said his goodbyes to his unknown kidnappers and invoked his Innocence. His left hand glowed green, illuminating the back of the van momentarily before fading away. Allen's arm remained red and deformed, his attempt at invoking his weapon failed. _'That's strange_,' he thought with a frown. _'It must be because of these restraints_.'

The van crashed and sent Allen flying into one of the walls. He groaned, head spinning as he heard angry shouting from the outside. The van rocked violently, as if a monster was knocking the vehicle back and forth. Light blasted inside the back when the doors containing Allen were ripped off their hinges. A dark figure stood at the entrance, but Allen couldn't see as the light blinded him.

"Oh, it's idiot apprentice," the stranger sneered.

Allen lifted his head as hands picked him up. The hands bound behind his back were freed, and Allen collapsed against the man he identified as his master. Cross was soaked in water, extremely pissed off, but regardless Cross carried his apprentice away from the scene.

"What's going on?" Allen's voice slurred. His eyes were heavy and he wanted to go back into the darkness, but he kept himself awake.

"That damn van splashed water on me," Cross explained with a scowl, though Allen had a feeling he was lying. "Don't know why you were in there, but I tried to loot it for dry clothes. Or money," he added quickly. Then at the last second, he added another item to the list. "Or booze."

"… That's so like you," Allen smiled tiredly.

"Shut up. It wasn't like I was looking for you or anything!" Cross shouted, refusing to look at his tired apprentice. "I wasn't worried, either!"

"I get the point, master," Allen said but Cross ignored him.

"You know, I wasn't offended at all when you ran away for a break to read your manga. I wasn't watching you from afar, either! And I_ definitely_ didn't care when you were kidnapped!"

"Master, that's enough."

"I mean, I'm totally telling the truth because I italicized a word in my sentence," Cross further failed to prove himself. "So I _absolutely _did _not_ try to run after you when you ran away."

"Master," Allen growled.

"I have _no reason_ to go after you. At all."

"Master…"

"I'm better off_ without_ you, actually," Cross continued lying despite the warning glare he received from Allen. "I don't need you; you need me. Because you're a child. Children are always dependent on adults. You're a child. That means you depend on me for everything."

That was where he drew the line.

"MASTER, SHUT THE _**FUCK**_ UP!"

There was a long and awkward silence. Cross stopped walking, and Timcanpy peeked out from under his hat to see what the commotion was about. Allen stared at his master's shocked face and quietly freed himself from his master's arms.

"I'm sorry," he apologized and lowered his head shamefully. "I'll go wash out my mouth with soap now."

Cross blinked and nodded slowly.

"Yeah, you go do that," he drawled. "I'm going… I'm going to go…" he trailed off, scratched the back of his head and looked for a place to go. Then he pointed at the park bench nearby. "I'm going to go over there."

Allen and Cross awkwardly parted ways. The next time they saw each other, they refused to make eye contact much less stay in the same room together. And it continued like this until Allen was abandoned in India to find the Black Order.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Allen ran away to read manga.

Ruined by: Getting kidnapped by strangers and then rescued by his master.

Finally, Allen stood up to Cross :O Maybe he went about it in the wrong direction, but still. He's got some backbone :D Even though the chapter ended uncomfortable for them O.o

On another note, I'm starting school on the 27th :( At least that's better than my little sister, because she's starting next week on monday. I'm so glad I graduated from that hellhole of a school o.o Anyways, I'll try to at least post weekly, but I don't know when I'm going to have the time to write. Hence the insane stockpiling of chapters. I have eleven more ready to post, so I'll be fine unless I get really busy during the school year.


	35. Chapter 35

101 Attempts- Justice Was Served?

Title: Order In The Court

A/N: I know courts are supposed to be serious, but I don't care :) Thanks for the reviews, everyone ^^ It always makes me happy when I see my inbox busy :D

By the way, what are your favorite three quotes (of all time) from this 101 Attempts? From any chapter xD

._.

"ORDER IN THE COURT, BITCHES!"

"Yeah!"

"FLIP OVER THE TABLES!"

"Yeah!"

"LET'S GET DRUNK!

"Yeah!"

"_Master…_"

Shouting at the top of his lungs was Cross Marian, the very same man Allen was trying to place a restraining order on. He stood on top of his table, with Lavi acting as his lawyer and being the voice that agreed after the general. Allen facepalmed from his side of the room, unable to believe those two weren't capable of behaving in what was meant to be a professional place. Link sat next to him filling out paperwork, and some random judge was seated behind the gigantic desk in front.

Allen had no clue what was going on. He had requested that Komui keep Cross away, but here they were in a sad excuse for a restraining order hearing. No one was taking anything seriously, and Allen may as well stand up to leave at this point.

Since the judge refused to do anything, Lavi took the liberty of taking over. He grabbed the hammer and compared it to his weapon, then threw the wooden hammer away in favor of his own.

"Dearly beloved," Lavi shouted over the obnoxious chattering of the crowd. "We are gathered here today to witness the joining together of Allen Walker and Cross Marian!"

Allen frowned. That introduction sounded familiar, but he kept quiet. He didn't know what Lavi was going on about. Weren't they separating them?

"SPEAKING IN ALL CAPS MEANS I AM IMPORTANT!" Cross roared. He drew Judgment from its holster and shot several bullets into the air to "prove" his point.

"Speak now, or forever regret!" Lavi continued.

"Can't I just have my restraining order?" Allen cried out in frustration, shooting up from his chair angrily. "I don't know what you're doing, but-"

Lavi produced a certificate from his pocket and presented it to the court. Allen squinted his eyes to read it, but he couldn't see the text from where he was. The bookman junior explained for him.

"This certifies that [Allen Walker] has been formally adopted into the Cross family by [Cross Marian] on the date of X," Lavi read the paper.

"When did that happen," Allen demanded, "and how?"

"Allen and Cross were good people. I can't say I knew them for very long, but they loved each other _veeeerrry_ much," Lavi changed the direction of his speech. "Allen was always smiling and Cross was always scowling. They were polar opposites, but somehow managed to fall in love. It's a wonder they managed to live together without killing each other for so long."

"Amen to that," Mr. Anonymous piped up from within the crowd.

"They left their children behind, just like the rest of us," Lavi sniffed. He rubbed his eyes while a few in the audience sobbed at the funeral speech. "I'm sure they're in a better place, now, though."

"I'm right here!" Allen protested with a frustrated cry, "and _WHAT_ children? Are you high?"

Lavi ignored him.

"Congratulations, Mr. Walker, it's a boy! What are you going to name him?"

"... Fuck you, Lavi."

"That's not a very nice name for your child," Lavi berated the annoyed "parent."

"You know what?" Allen snapped. "Go burn in hell. I give up."

Again, Lavi ignored him.

"Now if Allen and Cross would step forward for their award as 'Best Parent/Child Relationship,'" Lavi invited the two to the front.

Cross shrugged and stepped forward, dragging the pissed off Allen with him.

A microphone materialized out of no where in Lavi's hands. Cross accepted the mic and tested it.

"Uhh… yeah, thanks for the trophy," Cross ended his speech.

"Fantastic! Now what do you plan on doing now that you've won the lottery?"

"I won the lottery?" Cross raised one eyebrow. He scratched his head and thought about that. "Well, first things first. I'm going to go get drunk."

"Fantastic!" Lavi repeated himself and took the mic back from the general. "You heard him, folks. He's going to give it all away to charity."

"I am?" the general was confused.

Lavi didn't answer, but he switched topics.

"I remember the first time I witnessed Allen trying to escape his master, Cross," Lavi was suddenly nodding as if looking back at a fond memory. "Allen was being a glutton-"

"HEY!"

"-and Cross was being a bastard-"

"HEY!-" Cross cut himself off. "Oh, wait, that's always true."

"-but you could tell how much they cared for each other." The bookman junior clapped Allen on the back with a grin that stretched wide across his face. "To honor their sixth year of escaping from and chasing each other, we will be holding a party next week in Allen's room."

The announcement ended and Lavi put down the mic. He turned towards the flag in the corner, and began to recite the pledge with his hand over his chest.

Sort of.

"And now the groom may kiss the bride!" he shouted out loud. "In brightest day, in blackest night, No evil shall escape my sight! Let those who worship evil's might, Beware my power, Green Lantern's light! *"

"Lavi," Allen growled as Cross put his arm around his apprentice. "You're not the Green Lantern."

"-with liberty… and justice… for all! AMEN!" Lavi saluted the flag.

"Amen," the crowd chorused.

Allen was speechless.

Cross didn't seem to mind.

"So," he drawled after a stretched silence. "What's this about a restraining order?"

The white-haired boy glared at his master.

"You paid him to do this, didn't you?" Allen accused.

Cross quickly looked away and began to whistle.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he claimed 'innocently.' "I mean, it's not like I'm desperate for company or anything. The guards definitely didn't get pissed off, and there are _plenty _of women around the Order."

Allen sighed.

"Fine, I'll drop the charges," he pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. "You're such an old loner, master."

"No I'm not," Cross denied. Then he took out Judgment and shot all of Allen's friends to death. "We just have no friends. We need to stick together, you know?"

"… Master, why did you just kill my friends?" Allen asked tiredly.

"They were already like that," the general insisted.

The boy rolled his silver eyes as he was pushed out of the courtroom and to the nearest bar.

"Sure, master. Whatever you say."

"You're paying," Cross told him along the way.

"When am I ever_ not_ paying?"

It was a rhetorical question, but Cross didn't notice and answered regardless.

At least, he tried to.

"Umm... well, you see- ah! There was that one time when we were..." he trailed off uncertainly. "No, wait. You paid the bill that time too." Cross took a couple moments to think about this, but to no avail. "Actually, I don't think I've _ever_ paid for anything myself."

"Exactly."

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Getting a restraining order to keep Cross away

Foiled by: Lavi becoming the judge

*In case any of you didn't know the Green Lantern oath :)

Okay, so Lavi gave a eulogy, a wedding, recited the American pledge of allegiance, said the Green Lantern oath, and became some sort of award host. He was also a judge and a lawyer :\

How many of you people got confused whenever Lavi spoke? Just curious ._.


	36. Chapter 36

101 Attempts- Shopping

Title: Children Just Don't Like Shopping With Their Parents

A/N: And neither do I. This chapter is written from Cross's POV (so be prepared for swearing).

._.

"Master," (idiot) Allen complained, "please stop ramming the shopping cart into me."

(Emperor) Cross (McScumbag) Marian (the 3rd) pretended to cough and snickered into his elbow while crashed the cart into ten-year-old Allen Walker's little body. The boy yelped and tripped, falling to the floor face-first. As he got back up, Cross bumped the cart into his apprentice again. Allen pouted and got out of the way, glaring at his master poisonously. Cross coughed louder.

Instead of walking in front of the cart, Allen moved so that he was walking beside his master_. It's more like he's light jogging_, Cross thought as he compared their paces. _Do I really walk that fast?_

Deciding it would be funny to foil Allen's method of "staying safe," Cross feigned interest in the fruit stand and hit Allen from the side. Allen grit his teeth as he was nearly knocked over, settling for glaring at his master. He made another turn with the cart to hit him again, stopping in front of the mangoes *.

He stared at mango display and lifted one from the pile.

"Allen," he drawled, rotating the mango in his hands to inspect it. "Let's buy the whole goddamn stand."

There was a long silence from his apprentice. Cross looked to Allen for his opinion, and saw a stern expression on the boy's face. Allen glared up at him and then folded his arms, clearly disapproving of that idea.

"Che, I don't need your permission," he sneered, gathering the mangoes anyways and filling the entire cart with them. Another shopper tried to grab for one, but Cross shot him with Judgment and moved on as if that were completely normal. To the side Allen sighed, and then excused himself for the bathroom.

Ten minutes later when Allen didn't come back, Cross began to suspect that his apprentice hadn't gone to the bathroom at all.

_Maybe I pushed that thing with the cart too far, _he thought and scratched the stubble on his chin thoughtfully. He traveled further into the produce section of the grocery store for whatever had originally been on the shopping list.

Timcanpy peeked out from under Cross's hat and the general watched the golden golem drop down from his head and to his shoulder.

"Hey, Tim," he greeted. "You've been quiet for the past- what, fifteen chapters?" Cross turned around a corner and ran over a bunch of brats whose parents couldn't keep them in check. The parents yelled at Cross, but he thought they were to blame since they hadn't been paying attention to their kids. So he ran over the parents too and made sure to break a couple of their ribs.

Tim made a noise of approval at the violence.

"So what have you been doing?" he questioned, feeding the golem one of the unpaid mangoes. "I hope you're going to do something destructive in this chapter. The audience seems to love that shit. _Especially_ when you do it to Allen," he added.

"_Bitches love violence," _Timcanpy growled in agreement.

Cross frowned. "You mean '_bitches love rainbows_,'" he corrected the golem. "And by '_bitch_' I mean Allen."

"_Bitches love Allen?"_ The confused golem tried.

"No!" Cross exclaimed, grabbing Timcanpy by the tail and dangling him in the air. "No! Just… no!" he shook his head in disbelief. "No one loves Allen. And don't call the audience that; we're going to lose viewers."

Timcanpy floated back up but Cross kept a firm hold on the golden tail. It kind of felt like he was holding a balloon.

"Okay, well, don't call the _ladies_ that; I don't care too much about the dirty bastards," ** Cross told the golem.

"_Allen's a bitch, Allen's a bitch_," Timcanpy went off to repeat the phrase like a mantra.

The mention of the name caused Cross to remember that his apprentice was currently missing. He tugged on the tail again to catch the golem's attention, and Timcanpy fluttered down to listen to what he had to say.

"Tim, go find Allen," Cross ordered.

"_Find the bitch_," Tim growled and floated off in Allen's direction. Cross followed the golem across the grocery store's produce section. Along the way he ran over the other customers and was yelled at several times by the store's employees, but he just ran them all over with his shopping cart of mangoes.

The golem lead him over to a large crate of melons. Cross's lips twitched when he saw one of the melons move on the pile and roll off of the top.

"Master, I can tell you're thinking perverted thoughts," Allen called from underneath the melons. "Stop it."

"You're surrounded on all sides by melons," he grinned, beginning the process of digging up his idiot apprentice. "Normally that would be a pleasant thing, no? If I were in your position… well, let's just say that-"

"STOP," Allen intervened. "No, master, no melon jokes. Now hurry up and get me out of here. You don't need to remind me about how pathetic this escape attempt is."

Cross huffed and muttered about how Allen was no fun.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Hiding in the melon crate.

Foiled by: … Of course Cross wanted to look at the melons.

*A reference to lawlietlivesforever's story "When Cross Ruled." Go check it out :)

** Any male readers still out there… you've won my respect.

After you break the fourth wall, the only thing left to break is the floor and ceiling.

Well, I guess I'll just have to break that too.


	37. Chapter 37

101 Attempts- Taking Notes

Title: And He Has To Do This Every Day

A/N: This chapter is told through Link's observation notes.

._.

_Walker has woken up because of Cross Marian's partying. Subject is irritated, and has thrown the lamp at Cross, who is ruining Allen's social life by declaring him "homosexual" on Facebook. Cross has retaliated by hitting subject on the head. It is currently 5:51 in the morning. Walker is trying to go back to bed._

_Cross says: _"Wake up, idiot."

_He is rather rude, unlike Walker._

"Go away, please,"_ requests Walker._

_Walker has manners, even under the most pressing of circumstances. Even when his master is hitting him on the head like a petulant child, he retains his polite demeanor_. Is Cross Marian really a general?_ I wonder about that, but I have yet to see him in battle._

"Come on, I'm bored,"_ Cross complains and pokes Walker, who is trying to sleep under his covers._

"Fine," Walker sighs.

_Walker gets out of bed, still tired and appears to not see where he is going. Walker has fallen and he cannot get up. We don't call Life Alert._

_Subject is attempting to change, but he is too tired to lift up his shirt. Cross goes over to help him change. It seems like a gentle and loving family moment to me. Perhaps these two are closer than we think?_

_Then Cross takes Walker's shirt and randomly puts it over his head, strangling him. Walker begins to cry and Cross is laughing maniacally._

_On second thought, perhaps Cross is what they call a "douchebag."_

_Cross lets go and apologizes when Walker's face almost turns blue. Walker pouts but forgives him anyways. Had I been in that situation, I would have killed that man. I keep my opinion to myself._

_Cross is approaching me now._

_Abort. Abort._

"What are you writing?" _he questions me._

_I do not answer him._

"Hey, can you spell something for me?" _I don't know what he would need help spelling, but I accept._

"Spell ICUP out loud," _he requests_.

_That doesn't seem suspicious. _

"I… C… U… P-"

_Wait a minute._

_Cross breaks out into a mad laughter again and Walker blinks blearily at us. I can't believe I fell for that, but at least no one else is around._

"What a pervert!"_ Cross mocks and picks up Walker by the scruff of his neck._

Jackass. Bastard. Asshole. Jerk. Scumbag.

_Those are the words I'm thinking right now to describe Cross Marian, in case you are wondering._

_Most of the day consists of Allen eating, us filling out paperwork, and Cross harassing my charge. I tell the general to go away, but he takes half of Allen's doodled-on papers and begins to do them for him. I can't complain about that (since we can never get this general to work), but I wonder why he is working now._

_Is it possible that Cross is attempting to make up for the strangling incident earlier? Does he want Allen to get off work early to bother him more? Does this man want money? _

"Allen, I need you to do something for me later," _he tells Walker._

"What is it, master_?" Walker is in a better mood now that he has eaten_.

"Socalo put another melon in my room," _Cross explains._ "I can't go back until it's gone. You know how it is_._"

_Someone should get that man to therapy. His melon trauma is bothersome._

"It would be easier for you to just let me go." _Walker must be referring to Socalo's recent attempts to separate them. I don't know much about Walker and Socalo's history, but at some point they had been master and apprentice. Cross had won him back in a bet after Socalo lost at a violent match of rock-paper-scissors._

_Cross doesn't like the idea of Walker leaving him._

_Wait, that sounds gay._

_Let me rephrase that: Cross doesn't like the idea of Walker being someone else's apprentice._

"I'm not going to do that! You're _my_ bitch, Allen_," Cross protests, appalled by that suggestion_. "You're _mine._"

_Walker is confused by this statement._

"I thought I was Timcanpy's bitch_." Walker stops his workflow to converse with his master. I frown at this, because if we don't do something about that pile, it will build up and kill us._

_Cross has also stopped working. _"No, I put my name on you while you were sleeping! That means I own you, right?"

_This is pissing me off._

"Get back to work," _I (sternly) tell them._

_Why do I even bother with this job?_

_Walker quits bickering and goes back to work. If I don't get him away from the general, our paperwork will never go away. I suggest escaping to him as Cross leaves for coffee._

"Okay," _Walker smiles_. "Where should we go?"

"To the library,"_I answer._

_The library is the only safe haven in this god forbidden place. We are currently moving our papers from the cafeteria to peace and quiet. I will continue writing when we arrive there._

…

_I am in the hospital. Please allow me to explain myself._

_Halfway through our trip, General Cross caught up with us. I told Allen to run and I challenged Cross to a battle._

_I won't go into full detail, but I lost the fight. We then went to find Allen, who we found climbing out a window. As soon as Walker saw us, he screamed and let go of the windowsill. He didn't break any bones from the fall, since we had been on the second floor. We jumped out after him, but Walker tried to make a break for it._

_Cross summoned Grave of Maria to prevent him from running, and we were about to head back when I slipped on a banana peel. I tripped up the stairs and got paper cuts from all of the papers I dropped._

_I don't know where Walker and Cross are at this moment, but I would suggest that you assign Walker a new guardian when you do find them._

_Also, remove that melon from General Cross's room._

_Signed,_

_Howard Link._

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Climbing out the window after Link told him he could escape.

Foiled by: Grave of Maria.

There might be more of these journal entries if I'm too lazy to write a proper chapter.

I will respond to reviews later. I'm feeling a little down right now, so I'm not really in the mood to talk. Sorry if that comes off as rude; I'm just upset because of something that happened. It doesn't help that I'm starting school on monday, either.


	38. Chapter 38

101 Attempts- Really?

Title: Really?...

A/N:…. REALLY? :/

._.

Melons.

That was the first thing Cross remembered of his nightmare when he woke up at two in the morning. He sat up in bed and glanced around as if expecting to see the fruit that had killed his family, but relaxed when he saw that the only other person in the room was Allen, who had passed out at the table with the lamp's light on. Cross reached for his mask and glasses, then got out of bed for water.

Oh, and to wake up the idiot so he didn't end up with a sore neck or something, but not because he cared or anything. Cross leaned over Allen to see what he had been doing, and his lips twitched when he saw crayons strewn across the desk.

"What a brat," he sighed. Cross picked Allen up and proceeded to shake him awake. He needed someone to talk to about his disturbing dream, and even the hookers were asleep at this hour, so it wasn't like he could go and find one. Contacting his coworkers was out of the question.

Allen yelped at being harassed so early, and let out ineligible murmurs as he slowly came to. The boy blinked at him and it took a few moments until he started to kick at Cross to free himself.

"Master, what are you doing?" Allen whined childishly. "Put me down!"

"Melons," Cross answered. "I saw melons."

Allen frowned disapprovingly at his mentor. "Master, I don't think it's appropriate to tell a nine-year-old about the chest size of a woman you saw in your dreams."

Cross was tempted to drop his apprentice.

"No, _melons_," he clarified to the idiot. "Melons."

It took Allen a couple moments to understand what Cross was trying to say. He stopped resisting and stilled.

"Oh, I see," Allen nodded sympathetically. "You had another nightmare about that."

Cross hit Allen on the head. "Don't call it that!"

"Isn't that what it is, though?" Whether he called it a nightmare, a bad dream, or reliving a "traumatic" experience, it was still the same thing.

Since Cross was a full-grown man and refused to let go of his pride, he denied Allen's statement.

"No," he lied. "Anyways. You know what that means."

Allen glared.

"NO!" he shouted at his master. "For the last time, I'm NOT a teddy bear!"

"Exactly, you're _Allen,"_ Cross insisted. "Come on, you've done it before, right? This sort of thing shouldn't bother you…"

"But-" Allen stammered.

"Come on," Cross complained, "you're still young, so it's fine."

In response to Cross's request, Allen twisted free of his grip and started to run the moment his feet touched the ground. Cross easily caught him, although Allen struggled to get away from him. Luckily Allen was rather weak and any attempts to escape (like right now) could be easily thwarted.

"Just for tonight!" Cross shouted over Allen's panicked screaming. God, if this kid didn't shut up, the neighbors were going to think he was abusing him. Not that they already didn't, but he still didn't want them to get the wrong idea.

"No means no!" Allen bit Cross's hand but Cross didn't let go.

"Yes means yes," he countered as Allen tried to bite him again. "Just for a couple hours?"

Allen glared but didn't say no.

"You better not ask for this when I get older," Allen huffed. "Fine, I'll sleep with you, but only if you promise not to cuddle me too much. I'm not a stuffed animal; I'm a living, breathing human being." Allen frowned at his master, who hastily dragged him back over to the bed. Allen got under the covers and put a pillow halfway between to prevent smothering. "Meaning I need some air and space. Got it?"

Cross nodded and joined Allen under the covers. The shadow in the corner looked suspiciously melon-shaped, and Cross shot it with his gun to get rid of it. It didn't go away so Cross ducked under the sheets and quickly grabbed his apprentice.

"Hide me, Allen!" Cross whispered frantically.

Allen squeezed his eyes shut.

"Sometimes I wonder which one of us is the child," Allen complained. But he hugged Cross back regardless, which Cross was grateful for.

Because the moment those melon shadows closed in on him, they were going to kill him like they did his family. If that was going to happen, then he planned on taking someone down with him.

Allen sighed in his sleep and Cross knew that if he was going to take anyone to hell with him, that it would be his idiot apprentice.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Breaking free and running like the wind

Foiled by: Either Allen is super weak, or Cross has super strength. You choose :)

Double posting later to make going back to school easier for everyone out there! :D

Plus, I have 19 more chapters stockpiled in my DOC manager right now... so... yeah.


	39. Chapter 39

101 Attempts- Getting Sick

Title: You're Too Paranoid

A/N: What was I going to say?... :B

._.

Allen shivered under the covers of his bed and sneezed with a burning red face. His mind was foggy, his nose was a little runny, his throat was dry and he was very tired. Normally he would have gotten out of bed to take medicine, but they didn't have any and Allen was barely able to move, much less manage his way into the kitchen, where they kept said medicine.

Timcanpy growled and bit Allen's nose. The boy whined and pulled the sheets further over him to stop the violent golem. Little feet padded lightly over his head and Tim rolled around to catch his attention. Allen groaned and glared at the offender.

"Tim, no," he told the golem sternly. He sneezed into his elbow and his nose twitched after. Allen shut his eyes and put his head down, not in the mood to deal with the satanic golden snitch. Whatever it was.

Loud footsteps drew his attention from his misery and Allen sat up when he realized his master would be returning about now.

Allen took a moment to consider that.

Then he decided to make a run for it. If Cross knew Allen was sick, he would either be forced to work anyways, or Cross would put him on some strange drug. Either way, Allen would be screwed.

Allen pushed Timcanpy off of him, head spinning as he tried to sit up. Allen squeezed his eyes shut, then stumbled out from under the covers while his feet found the floor. Without thinking, Allen started to change into his normal attire, carelessly shedding his pajamas on the floor.

Just when he succeeded in buttoning his shirt up, the door swung open and Cross stormed inside. Allen watched his master plop down on his own bed, and then rubbed his sleepy eyes. He wasn't sure what to think of his master acting like a kid, so he turned away to continue what he was doing.

"Allen, I have a problem," Cross complained. He kicked off his shoes (which went flying into Allen's face) then crawled under his sheets. He looked liked someone had said or did something really nasty to him.

"Yeah?" the boy yawned and sat down on the edge of his bed to listen.

"I met this person today…" Cross peeked out from the human-shaped lump he created under his covers. "And it wasn't a girl."

Allen didn't know what Cross meant by that. He wasn't even sure of how to respond, but his master seemed deeply disturbed.

"Master, of course there are creatures other than women out there," he… comforted? his mentor. "There are men, women, and the in-between."

"No," Cross denied. "There are only women."

"What do you think you are, then?" Allen frowned. He could feel his headache getting worse because of this. "What do you think I am?"

"You're an idiot," Cross responded in a matter-of-fact tone.

Allen face palmed.

"And you? I'm sure you know the difference between yourself and women, otherwise we're going to need to sit down for a talk." That conversation would be pathetic, especially since his master was the one who was the most familiar with women. Allen hoped he didn't have to explain the "birds and the bees" to his master.

Apparently he did, because Cross stuck his head out like a turtle in its shell.

"… That would be nice," Cross agreed.

Before Allen could respond, he sneezed again and nearly sent himself flying through the ceiling. Allen excused himself to walk away on wobbly legs, aware of the suspicious look his master was giving him. He shuffled his feet down the hall, leaning against the wall to stop himself from falling over.

Timcanpy followed behind but didn't harass Allen like he usually did. The golem flew over to land on Allen's shoulder, gazing up at him as if asking where he was going.

Allen huffed as his face burned a brighter shade of red, and took a break in the doorway of their living room. He made a doctor's visit top-priority on his to-do list, because he felt terrible as he was.

"Allen, what are you doing?" Allen turned around to see his turtle-like master creaking the bedroom door open to stare at him.

"Nothing," Allen reassured the nosy man. His feet were heavy as he lifted them for each step he took, but Allen was determined to get away from his master before that man did something to him.

Allen practically waddled over to the window, not even considering using the stairs to leave. Sick people using the stairs was never a good idea, and Allen didn't want to get hurt. He lifted the window and smiled as fresh air filtered into the room. Without looking down below, Allen brought one leg outside and started to climb down.

"IDIOT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Cross roared and Allen opened his eyes. Hands grabbed him by the waist to bring him back inside hastily. Allen was dropped on the couch and the window was slammed shut.

"Wha…" Allen started to murmur, but Cross shook him by the shoulders to shake him out of his daze.

"You moron, we're on the top floor! What were you trying to do, flatten yourself to a pancake?" Cross glared as Allen panicked when it dawned on him that he had just tried to escape out a seventh-floor window.

"I didn't mean to!" Allen yelled in a fluster over Cross's rage.

Cross folded his arms and glared harder.

Allen shrank on the spot.

Then, Cross's face slowly morphed… and morphed…

And turned into a troll face.

"You're sick, aren't you?" Allen reluctantly nodded, while Timcanpy rammed into the back of his head to scold him for trying to leave. Cross let the golem bite his apprentice. "Meaning… you don't have much energy to do anything?"

"… I guess?" Allen frowned. He didn't like that face Cross was wearing.

"Alright, we're cancelling today's training," Cross informed him.

"We never train, though," Allen tried to speak, but Cross cut him off.

"I DON'T CARE!" he shouted.

Allen put his hands over his throbbing ears. He should have known better than to have tried to talk back to this man.

"First, we go see a doctor," Cross picked up Allen from the couch and threw him over his shoulder like he was luggage. "After that, we'll go to that restaurant you like. I know you lose your appetite when you're sick- _and by that I mean that you'll be surrounded by your favorite foods and be unable to eat them all_- so we need to fix that."

"Master, that's cruel." How would Cross like it if Allen threw women in his face but told him he couldn't flirt with them?

No, wait, Cross would probably do that anyways.

"After we get you some food, I'll take you to the nearest Chuck E. Cheese's, where you_ won't_ be able to be a kid."

"Can I at least go in the ball pit?" Allen requested.

"Maybe," Cross told him, "but **only** if you can survive six hours of Rebecca Black's song, 'Friday.'"

"I take it back. You're not cruel," Allen narrowed his eyes. "You're a horrible, terrible, and sadistic man."

Cross snorted.

"How long did it take for you to figure that out?"

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Escaping through the window

Foiled by: The window being on the very top floor.

I'm tired ._.

But that's monday for you! :D From now on I guess I'll be posting on mondays, since people hate them and have nothing to look forward to. Other than, you know, the episode releases of Red vs. Blue, which I just watched ;)


	40. Chapter 40

101 Attempts- Energy Drinks

Title: Red Bull vs Monster

A/N: So I've tried both, and I liked it. But then I thought:

If Red Bull gives you wings….

…then does Monster give you giant claws and fangs?

._.

Allen inserted a dollar bill into the vending machine outside of his room. The vending machine spit out the crumpled paper, and Allen straightened it out before trying again. The machine rejected the dollar, and Allen realized he had to put it so that the head was up. When the vending machine finally accepted his money, Allen punched in the buttons 'B' and '2' to select Red Bull, the drink that could give its user wings. The drink he wanted was pushed forward and was released from its spot to the bottom where he could pick it up.

Extracting his energy drink, Allen smiled and cracked the can open. Allen took a swig of the drink and sipped at the fizz that appeared at the rim. As he'd been promised in the commercial, wings sprouted from his back. Link's eyes bulged out of his skull and the inspector dropped all of his papers in shock. Allen waved goodbye to Link, and jumped up in the air to fly away.

He laughed as he began to free himself from the Order, and by freeing himself from the Order, he would be free of his master. If Allen escaped right now, when they were both forced to stay in this building, he could escape and Cross wouldn't be able to go after him. Allen bid farewell to his friends and created a hole in a wall for escape. Lenalee screamed after him, saying she would capture him and then slaughter him when she did. *

_Oh, that Lenalee. I'm going to miss her borderline homicidal ways,_ Allen thought with a fond smile. He glided over the forest as he made his way to the nearby city to pick up another can. Thoughts of leaving for somewhere nice and far away floated around in his head as he flapped his wings to keep himself above ground. Feeling cheerful, Allen even began to hum a little tune to himself.

Suddenly an explosion from below brought his attention to a clearing in the forest where trees had been knocked over. Allen wondered if the science division was testing. Curiosity took the better of him and he lowered himself to see past the dust that had risen to block his view.

As Allen approached the dust cloud, a gigantic claw shot out from the dust to grab him. Allen yelped as he was brought to stare a dragon in the eyes, his fists helplessly hitting the hand that held him captive.

"Oi, idiot, it's me," the red dragon snarled.

Allen nearly fainted when he recognized the voice. He looked over the dragon and saw half of its face concealed by a white mask, with glasses underneath. He stared, frowned, scratched his head, but was still confused.

"Master, what happened to you?" he gaped in disbelief.

The dragon tightened his grip on Allen, and waved him around in the air like a rag doll. Allen screamed and his wings disappeared. Crap. This was a bad time for his energy drink to wear off.

Cross the Dragon tossed his wingless apprentice in the air and hung him from his claws. Allen dangled high above ground, panicking when he saw just exactly how high up he was.

"I drank a Monster energy drink when the cafeteria ran out of coffee," Cross explained to his frightened pupil. "I didn't think it would actually turn me into one, though."

"Let me down," Allen glared at the dragon… master. Guy.

Cross tilted his head to the side.

"You know," he drawled. "I don't think I will."

"_What?_" Allen exclaimed. "Why not?"

"I feel like building a nest somewhere," Cross told Allen. "I have this desire to collect shiny things. Like gold, or diamonds, and alcohol bottles with the alcohol still in them. Stuff like that," he continued his mindless chatter. "I think I need to kidnap a princess and find an abandoned castle. Do you know where I can find any of those things?"

Cross stared at his apprentice, but Allen refused to respond.

"I suppose I'll have to settle for you then," the dragon sighed, hanging and shaking his head in disappointment. "This day sucks."

"Tell me about it," Allen complained. Then he blinked in a sudden realization. "Wait, weren't there other people who drank the Red Bull or Monster? Or was it just us?"

Cross considered that thought and turned his head to look back at the Black Order, which was surrounded by gigantic versions of the Komurin that were busy burning the building to the ground.

"No, just the Komurin," he answered. "They're the only other ones that bother with caffeine."

"Oh yeah," Allen nodded. The Komurin bots would do anything for caffeine, and that included resorting to energy drinks. "Everyone else wants either coffee or tea. I wonder why we even bother selling energy drinks if no one is going to buy them."

"Hell if I know." Cross set his apprentice next to one of the spikes protruding from his back and told him to hang on. Cross took off to go discover a place to store the "princess" and his future gold/alcohol stash.

Allen held onto the spike as his master took off into the sky, not caring that he was being kidnapped or that it was his master who was kidnapping him. It wasn't like this was his first time failing at escaping Cross. The fact that his master turned into a dragon didn't shock him either, because Allen himself had used a ridiculous escape method. It was only to be expected that he would fail by an equally ridiculous cause.

No, Allen didn't care about any of those things.

He just didn't want Cross to revert back into a human while in midair.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Flying away by drinking Red Bull.

Foiled by: Cross turning into a giant dinosaur dragon.

What the hell is this? O_o

Why is there so much crack T_T . There are no more normal (as normal as they get) chapters. It's all nonsense. I hope the crack doesn't make me lose focus of the actual point of this series xD


	41. Chapter 41

101 Attempts- Food Fights

Title: Food Fights Are For Middle School

A/N: I was in a Cosco when I thought of this. I saw nine melon crates all bunched together, and I was like O_O. Then I saw this guy that looked like Cross- except his hair was brown and shorter. And next to him was this little light-haired kid XD I was all "ohmigodit'sCrossandAllen!" The best part was when the guy gave the melons a funny look. I died when I saw that.

._.

Allen was inspecting a watermelon when something hit him on the back of his head. He had been looking over it because his master had a deep hatred for watermelons, but they needed watermelon for a recipe. Cross stood at least ten feet away, leaning against the wall when he saw his apprentice get stricken down by an apple.

The English teen was knocked forward and he dropped the melon as he fell over into the fruit crate. Cross blinked and slowly turned his head in the direction the apple had come. Nearby two brats were throwing apples at each other, and Cross narrowed his eyes angrily at them. He grabbed for a cucumber, and threw it at the kids for hurting his apprentice.

"TAKE THAT, YOU DIRTY BASTARDS!" Cross grabbed for another and chucked it at said bastards, craving vengeance for his fallen apprentice. The pile of cucumbers slowly disappeared, but the children and their parents retaliated by returning fire.

With a groan, Allen got back up only to see his master waging a food war against some poor family. He sighed with dismay and placed the watermelon in their cart, ignoring the chaos around him until a golden golem crashed into his face.

"Tim?" The golem snarled and barely spared Allen a glance as he handed ammo to his master.

Cross ducked behind a stand and stacked the ammo beside him while he glanced around the corner at his new enemies. Allen just barely had enough time to dodge an orange that came flying at him. Timcanpy glared at the offender, who turned out to be one of the store employee's.

Taking note of the newcomer, Cross scowled at them for attacking his apprentice. He lunged himself from his hiding place to go to Allen's side, pulling him down to prevent his idiot from getting hurt.

"Don't worry Allen," Cross put his hand down on Allen's shoulder and leaned in so that he looked his apprentice square in the eyes. Allen nervously moved back to create some space between them, but Cross only moved closer. His hand squeezed Allen's shoulder tighter as he spoke. "I won't let them hurt you."

Allen wanted to say that he hadn't been hurt to begin with, but his master released him to take a melon from out of the crates behind them. Cross muttered something along the lines of "_I can't believe I'm doing this_," which Allen agreed with wholeheartedly. That applied to anything Cross did or said, but Allen kept quiet as his master hurled the melon at the employee, who was busy attacking the family that had started the mess.

Other customers were quick to join in, and Allen awkwardly sat next to his master, who didn't hold back in his assault against said customers. At some point Allen decided he didn't want to be anywhere within fifty feet of his master, so he crawled away to find some sort of escape.

Apples, oranges, melons, and all kinds of produce flew through the air. Allen was questioning these people's sanity, and knew that there wasn't any when he slipped over a half-opened banana that had been randomly lying on the floor. The banana mushed on his face and Allen wiped it off out of irritation.

Unfortunately, Cross witnessed this and (due to his aversion to fruits) went into a mad rage.

"Oh, FUCK NO!" he roared, abandoning the food fight to take out Judgment. He aimed the gun at the banana, firing several rounds into it as Allen screamed.

"Master, what are you doing?" he yelled, scrambling to get away while his master chased after him.

Cross wasn't happy about the banana incident, because he stopped at the ruined banana on the floor. He took out his lighter and set it on fire. He watched the banana burn and he cursed at it, while Allen took this chance to get a good distance away.

He dashed down random aisles, knocking over other customers and jumping over carts as he searched for the exit to the store. Allen wondered where it was; he had seen it just minutes ago!

Inevitably, Allen ended up lost in the big grocery store.

Lost and confused, Allen opened up every bag of chips and ate them, leaving no snacks for the other shoppers. He also ate everything he came across, but mostly out of boredom.

Eventually Allen found a door, but it said "employees only."

Allen pouted and opened it anyways, stepping inside some sort of storage room. He grinned when he discovered more food, and was close to eating it when someone stopped him.

"What are you doing back here?" the worker demanded. "Employees only, little guy. If you don't leave, I'm going to have to call security on you."

The threat didn't stop Allen from eating the food.

"Okay, that's it!" the worker exclaimed angrily. "SECURITY!"

That was how Allen found himself handcuffed. He didn't mind; as long as he was away from Cross and was given food, he didn't care what happened to him. Although eating without his hands proved to be a bit of an issue, Allen convinced one of the guards to spoon-feed him.

Allen swished the apple-banana sauce around in his mouth happily, and the bored guard bumped the next spoonful against his mouth.

"I wasn't ready yet-" Allen was cut off and was fed anyways.

The guard rolled his eyes and scooped up the next bite for the prisoner. Allen chose to be friendly, hoping he would make a new friend.

"So what's your name?" he asked.

The spoon went in his mouth and it took a while for the guard to realize that Allen had said something.

"What?" he blinked. "Oh, my name is Malcom C. Lvellie. I'm the bastard who will make your life hell later on in the series."

"Hmm," Allen hummed thoughtfully. "Normally," he said, "I would be a little wary of you, but hey, you gave me food so you can't be so bad." He ignored the "make life into a living hell" part. Besides, it was rude to judge someone based on first impressions.

Malcom shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat, Noah-" he cut himself off abruptly, "I mean NEAH- I mean… A- Alleeeeen. Yes, Allen." The man nervously glanced around, and his moustache fell off. "_Fuck_," he swore under his breath. He quickly grabbed it and fixed it back onto his face.

"That was a bad pun," Allen told the "guard."

The "guard" shot him a dirty look.

Allen was saved from continuing the conversation when a knock on the door announced the arrival of the police. He sighed in relief as Malcom let the officer in, but his expression fell when he saw who the "officer" was.

"Master?" Allen gaped.

Because standing in the doorway, dressed in an obviously stolen cop uniform, was none other than Cross Marian.

"I'm here for the brat," Cross told Malcom, and proceeded to shoot him in the foot carelessly. Malcom crumpled in pain and Cross stormed forward to take his apprentice.

"Master, what did you do to the real-" Allen tried to demand, but was cut off by his master clamping a hand over his mouth to silence him.

"Shhh," Cross hushed. "Nothing suspicious happened," he spoke slowly and quietly, thinking that this would calm Allen. It didn't.

"Mmff ummmf mmf mm?" _You murdered him?_

Cross hushed Allen again.

Seeing as how this wasn't getting them anywhere, Allen gave up and let his master take him away. Allen finally found the exit at least, but he was unceremoniously shoved into the back of a (stolen) cop car.

Cross got into the driver's seat while Timcanpy sat in shotgun. The thief turned around to speak to Allen. "I'm going to have to take you in for questioning," he said seriously. Allen was concerned, but then Cross opened his mouth to say something completely stupid. "We've been informed that you were involved in a certain incident concerning a banana."

Allen groaned and pressed his head against the window tiredly.

"Do I have the right to remain silent?" Allen stared out the window while Cross started up the car to take him to God-knows-where.

But Allen already knew the answer to that question.

"Hell no, bitch." Cross tilted the mirror to look back at Allen. "But you _do _have the right to make me a sandwich."

"Ham or turkey?" There was no use in defying Cross when he reached this level of stupidity. Once Cross wanted something, he made sure that he got it. To make things easier, it was best to go along with him.

"… Peanut butter and jelly," Cross grumbled as he ran a red light.

While that wasn't one of the options, Allen nodded and promised to make his master a sandwich when they got back. He assumed their plans for dinner were cancelled since they had left the grocery store (without buying the food), so Allen sat in silence and spent his time trying to remember what they had in the kitchen instead.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Using the food fight as a distraction to escape out back and get away

Foiled by: Security showed up to arrest him, and Cross pretended to be a cop to get Allen out.

MALCOM, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE. I ****ING HATE YOU.

Sorry, he just reminds me of Hitler :P

Anyways, I'm updating today because I won't have time tomorrow. My updates will still be on Mondays, just not this Monday. So yeah. Early update :) I hope you guys enjoyed it.


	42. Chapter 42

101 Attempts- SUPER fun house

Title: He Might Be a Vampire

A/N: Happy Monday :)

._.

"Allen, I think I know why I've always liked wine so much," Cross mused at the carnival one day.

Nine-year-old Allen, who was handcuffed to his master, looked up innocently to hear what the man had to say. While he waited, he tried to steal the key that would set him free, but Cross had Timcanpy swallow it. Allen gave up.

Pretending Allen hadn't done anything, Cross went on. "Why I always wear heavy clothing that covers every part of me when I'm out in the sun… why I never seem to get proper sleep-"

"Isn't that because you're always hugging women at night?" Allen cut in.

"SHUT UP ALLEN," Cross's voice boomed in the little idiot's ear. Allen winced and kept quiet. "Why I like the color red and seem to hate garlic, and glitter in the sun… it's so obvious, I can't believe I never noticed it before." He stopped his stroll, causing Allen to bump into him. He looked down to his idiot to look him square in the eyes. "It's because I'm a vampire, Allen."

The first of Allen's reaction was to scream. Taken by surprise, he screamed at the top of his lungs and shattered the glass from the nearby funhouse.

His second reaction was to run. He hated vampires; he especially hated the ones that glittered! Unfortunately, he ran into the funhouse with the mirrors that just broke. He almost slipped on the glass on the floor, but he managed to stay alive.

Halfway through the funhouse, Allen stopped for a breath. When he looked up, he held back a scream when he saw he was surrounded by Cross's reflections. They were all just staring at him like they wanted to suck his blood and drain him and use his skin as a rug. Allen continued to run away.

When the reflections didn't go away, Allen glanced around warily for his master. Where was he? Could he see Allen?

"We can," the Cross reflections answered.

Confused, Allen stopped running.

No way.

But the "reflections" stepped forward, and suddenly surrounded Allen on all sides. The boy stood there, trapped in a tight circle of a hundred Cross Marians.

_Oh my God they're not reflections._

Allen felt like a deer caught in the headlights. The Cross clones grabbed for Allen, demanding money and beer and women. Because Allen didn't give them what they wanted, the clones started to call Allen an idiot.

"IDIOT ALLEN," they chorused. "IDIOT."

"Leave me alone!" Allen screamed at the clones. "Go away!"

The crowd parted and the original Cross pushed past his look-alikes to grab his idiot apprentice, who was quivering in fear. Despite Cross being a blood-sucking vampire, Allen broke down in tears and hugged his master. This was his worst day ever, and that was really saying something. He needed a hug.

Cross glanced at his clones and gave them a nod of approval. As if satisfied by the praise, the clones filtered out of the funhouse and left Cross alone with Allen, who was still crying.

"Can I have your blood now?" Cross asked awkwardly. "I'm hungry."

Allen sniffed and nodded. He was too tired to care about what his master did anymore. All he wanted to do was go home, eat, and then sleep. Then when he woke up, he would eat and go back to bed. That was the only thing he wanted.

While Cross fed off of his apprentice, he carried Allen away to find a spot where he could kill him. Before Cross was able to leave the funhouse, he was tackled down to the ground by one of his clones. Allen yelped as Cross's fangs sank even deeper into his skin - "I'm going to need stiches, master!" – aaaaand he passed out.

Cross glared at his clone and kicked him off of him. "What are you doing, jackass?"

The Cross clone returned the glare. "Hey, you can't call me a jackass, _jackass,"_ the clone insulted his original. "I'm you."

"Oh yeah, that's right," Cross nodded. "So what are you doing?"

Meanwhile, Allen was bleeding to death.

"You can't kill idiot apprentice," the clone told him. "We like Allen, remember? We just won't tell him because he's too stupid to understand."

Remembering that he did indeed care for Allen, Cross responded, "Alright, I'll keep him alive."

"BLEGH," Allen died.

"…"

Cross got out a new grave to carry around with him and prepared his magic. It looked like he would have to keep a third Innocence on him from now on.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Breaking the handcuffs and running away

Foiled by: Going into the funhouse, thinking he was seeing Cross's reflections, and then realizing they were all clones. Oh, and then dying.

This chapter is messed up. We have vampires, carnivals, funhouses and clones. I didn't know it was possible to fit all of these things into one chapter, but I did it. I've achieved the impossible.

You know, I should get a statue for this or something. Just saying.


	43. Chapter 43

101 Attempts- Appeasement

Title: That Won't Work Either

A/N: This chapter is told through speech, thoughts, and noises. You'll see.

Updating because I'm really happy right now :)

Happy wednesday.

._.

_I know what this idiot is trying to do._

"Allen, give me a massage."

A sigh.

"Okay, master."

Rub, rub.

"Allen, get me some more wine."

Another sigh.

"Yes, master."

_Allen's just trying to get some more "trust."_

_Does he really think he can run off the moment I look away?  
_

_-Pouring noises.-_

"… Allen, will you tell me a bedtime story?"

Flip.

"We left off at page 69, right?"

_I wonder why he hates me so much, anyways._

Snicker.

_Oh, wait. _That's_ why._

"… You're disgusting, master."

_Shut up, idiot._

Scowl.

"Are you going to read it or not?"

_At least he's _my_ idiot._

The book slams shut.

"Once upon a time, the end."

Applaud.

(Obviously a sarcastic applause)

_Maybe I should do something about his escape attempts._

"Hey Allen, can you solve this rubix cube?"

_Yeah, that'll occupy him for a while._

Twist, turn, frowning.

"Ummm… yes?"

Blatant lying.

_I wonder if I should get a pair of handcuffs or something._

Shifting.

"Hey Allen, I found this book yesterday. Help me find Waldo."

It's an order, and Allen has to say yes.

Small steps approach the man lounging on the couch.

_Idiot Allen is going to be turning ten next month... but he looks so small for his age._

"Uhh…"

He bites his lip.

_He definitely acts like his age, that's for sure._

_Well... his current physical age. And to think I'm still older than him both ways._

Cross holds back a laugh.

Not now.

"Why don't you sit with me?"

Confusion.

_Do I have to spell it out for him?_

_Even then, I guess he wouldn't understand._

_Maybe I should send him to school to learn how to spell and read or some shit._

_..._

_Nah._

"But master, there's no room."

_But master, I'm a whiny bitch and I need to shut-the-hell-up-so-we-can-have-afamily-moment._

_God, I sound like such a jerk._

Cross sits up.

_I should probably tell him his plan is failing._

_I mean... he's been at this for five months now._

Pat, pat.

He wants Allen to sit next to him.

Squeak.

_Why the hell is he so timid? Am I THAT scary to him?_

_I wonder if the anime adaption of D-Gray Man will spend an entire filler episode explaining Allen's inexplicable fear of me._

_They fucking better. I want my damn screen time._

"Umm, okay…"

Awkward silence.

_Oh, yeah, I should... probably tell him now..._

"It's not working."

Allen's head looks up.

"What is?"

_Idiot._

"Your plan. It's not working."

"…"

-_Crying noises_-

_Allen has a pathetic crying face._

"I thought you would have learned after the past year."

_I guess this can't be helped._

Cross puts his arm around his idiot.

_Stop crying, idiot, I'm making sure you don't run away for a reason._

_It's to keep you safe._

Sobbing.

_Whew, good thing I didn't say that out loud; my reputation would have been ruined forever!_

_Not that it already hasn't been._

"But… but…!"

"You tried."

Shrug.

"Now you know what _not _to do next time, right?"

Sniff.

"I guess…"

Cross smiles.

Maybe Allen isn't such an idiot after all.

_Now, while I'm at it..._

"So are you going to solve that rubix cube, or what?"

Groan.

"Fine."

_... Hopefully, that'll keep you busy until I figure out how the hell Mana managed to deal with you._

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Doing what Cross says while hoping that he'll be given more trust and will be able to escape

Foiled by: Cross knew what he was doing

So this is what a chapter looks like without the describing ._.

I kind of like it :) It's sweet, fluffy (ish) - OMG LIKE COTTON CANDY HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I WANT COTTON CANDY.

... I forgot what I was going to say. You guys can describe this- whatever this is, for me :) Tell me if you want more chapters like this, because they're really easy to write in my jam-packed schedule.

Review please? :3


	44. Chapter 44

101 Attempts- Bananas

Title: But They're a Good Source of Potassium!

A/N: Cross should really get a therapist.

I'm updating today because I have something to do on Monday, but don't worry about a long wait for the next chapter ;)

._.

… _so I'll eat French Toast, pancakes, waffles, eggs, twelve bowls of cereal, drink some orange juice and water, grab a few granola bars, eat a steak, some hash browns, sausage and probably some fruit, too. It won't be much of a breakfast, but I need to eat something quick before I leave._

Allen thought to himself as he left his room. He had been busy going over in his head what he needed for his journey, but when his stomach grumbled his thought process was interrupted. Rubbing his growling stomach, Allen traveled to the cafeteria where he would eat his last meal from Jerry. He made note to be extra friendly to his friends as he was never going to see them again.

First he got into line and chatted with some of the finders. He made sure to make them feel important; that was how managers got their workers to perform better. When it was his turn to order his food, Allen listed off his request.

Jerry hummed thoughtfully at the small order. "Are you sure you don't want more, Allen-kun? I hope you're feeling well."

Allen decided it wouldn't hurt to ask for a little more. "Okay, I'll have a bunch of bananas."

"Coming right up," Jerry smiled. He reached for the fruit bowl behind him and gave Allen the bananas first. "Your master is waiting for you, by the way. He mentioned something about letting you have more freedom?"

His jaw nearly dropped out of shock.

"R-really?" His eyes widened and he stared disbelievingly at the cook. "I… wow," he breathed. "I better go."

Jerry waved goodbye and Allen snacked on the bananas while he searched the cafeteria for his master. Allen found it hard to believe that his master was willing to even consider letting Allen off his leash. Eventually he found Cross in the back of the room, and waved to him.

Cross noticed Allen waving and was about to wave back, but he froze halfway in motion. Allen slowed in his pace, not sure of what was happening. Cross seemed… angry? That was weird; he had been content just moments ago.

A bullet whizzed past Allen's face and Allen knew that he had definitely done something wrong.

"BASTARD, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY BITCH!" Cross roared furiously and pointed his gun at Allen's hand. Allen looked down to see his bananas destroyed, then back up to his master, who had closed the distance between them to ensure Allen's "safety."

Meanwhile, everyone evacuated the building. Great, now he wouldn't get his breakfast.

Worried for Allen's "safety," Cross grabbed Allen by the shoulders and leaned down to look him in the eyes. Uncomfortable by the invasion of his personal space, Allen stepped backwards. Cross stepped forwards and glared venomously at the smashed bananas on the ground.

"Master?" Allen didn't know whether or not he should be scared or confused. He chose to be both.

"Those bananas," Cross growled. "They just tried to do something _funny_."

"But master, bananas can't-"

"Shut up, Allen," Cross ordered his idiot. "Just shut up, and don't talk anymore. You're grounded."

"WHAT?" Allen exclaimed. He couldn't believe his master was grounding him for speaking back.

Cross repeated himself after hitting Allen on the head. "I said you're grounded. Now shut up and go to your room."

"…."

"Don't look at me like that!" Cross scowled.

"… Why?..."

The look Cross sent him made Allen close his mouth.

"Yeah, that's right," Cross called out to Allen's retreating back. "And you can't leave until I say so! Got that?"

Allen kept walking away. His stomach continued to rumble, but he wasn't in the mood to eat anymore. He slammed his door behind him and sat down on his bed, forgetting about his plan to leave the Order. He was that pissed off.

After a while, the anger washed off of his face and he moved his head to stare at the door. He wasn't really grounded, was he?...

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Leaving the Order

Foiled by: Allen stops for breakfast

To be continued on Tuesday :)


	45. Chapter 45

101 Attempts- Poor Allen

Title: Being Quiet For a Change

A/N: This chapter started out as a "staredown" but then it transformed into… this.

Part two of the last chapter.

._.

It was a simple plan, really.

All this time, Allen had done the craziest things to escape his master. He had tried jumping out of windows, destroying the Order, killing his friends, using legal methods and so forth. Being just one person, Allen only got ideas for escape from himself and inspiration brought forth from events around him. When he finally sucked up his pride and asked for assistance, he was suggested the least complex thing in the world.

Honestly, he should have thought of it earlier.

The plan?

Walk out the door.

Allen didn't know how he didn't think of this, but when the idea was mentioned to him, he couldn't believe he had never tried that.

Glancing around his room and confirming that he was in fact alone, Allen hesitantly reached for the doorknob. When the voice of his master didn't yell after him, he twisted the knob and creaked open the barrier between his room and the outside world. And by outside, he meant the hallway. Still, it was like unknown land out there; Allen hadn't been able to leave his prison/room for _weeks_.

Stepping out into the hallway was like crossing a road with heavy traffic. Allen was run over by scientists the moment he shut his door, and ended up trampled by other personnel. Helpless, Allen screamed until someone grabbed him by the hand to rescue him from the madness.

His savior pulled him up from the ground and Allen accidently stumbled into the man's chest. Allen apologized for his clumsiness, but was saved from making the mistake of backing away into the stampede.

"I'm sorry," Allen said while his face burned in embarrassment. He couldn't even look up to see who his rescuer was, but he was sure it was some kind soul. Definitely not his master or anything. Though he did wonder why this person smelled of alcohol, especially in this heavily religiously-influenced organization.

The man didn't say much. "Hn."

Allen twisted his head around to look at his surroundings. The Order sure was in a panic today. Obviously he wouldn't know what was going on (because he literally had not left his room in a month) but the Order was always busy (and crazy) so he assumed Komui had done something to upset the science division.

Lavi and Kanda were the first of his friends to stop by, though they showed up with strange laser weapons. Lavi waved at Allen and Kanda che'd. Allen wanted to start a conversation, but they were occupied with destroying the Komurin that was running amuck in the building.

At the very least, Lavi took a quick break and pushed past the crowd to talk. "Hey Moyashi-chan, we haven't seen you in a long time," he said as he leaned against the railing. "Any reason?"

"Yeah," Allen sighed. "Master got upset after that incident with the banana in the cafeteria-" at this, the grip his rescuer from earlier had on him tightened considerably "- and he locked me in my room and didn't even let Link inside."

Lavi looked nervously at the man behind Allen, but then he returned his gaze to his friend. "Uhh… Allen? You master…" he trailed off.

Allen didn't get where Lavi was trying to get at. "I don't know where he went today though; I haven't seen him recently," he explained. "Lenalee visited me a week ago to bring me food and told me how I could escape. It took me six more days to get the courage to open the door."

The arm around him was squeezing him at this point. Allen coughed in discomfort. The crowd wasn't that bad; it was thinning, actually. Kanda was doing a good job with getting rid of Komui's robots, so the crowd was leaving. He didn't think it was dangerous anymore, and thought about asking to be let go.

"And… what were you planning on doing?" Lavi almost seemed scared to ask. Weird. "I mean," he glanced back and forth between Allen's rescuer and Allen himself, "if it took you six days to do something…"

Allen laughed. "Oh no, that was the plan," he smiled. "To open the door, leave, and never come back."

Lavi was surprised by this "plan."

"Wait, really?" he exclaimed. "I… I never thought you would do something that simple." He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, shifting in spot while he accepted the fact Allen tried a very different method than usual.

"Trying extreme methods always seems to result in a lot of suffering on my part," Allen shrugged while his rescuer started to punch him. "If I get caught this time, hopefully nothing too bad will happen."

Lavi fell dead silent. He stared behind Allen and frowned, then excused himself. Allen watched everyone in the area suddenly leave, and blinked in confusion. Why was everyone running away? And screaming, too?

When no one else was around, Allen was taken back to his door and thrown inside his room. Allen yelped as he hit the ground, then snapped his head to see who exactly had been holding him for the past few minutes (and trying to choke him).

Allen didn't like what he saw.

Or rather, he didn't like _who_ he saw.

"Master?" he squeaked.

_Oh no… he heard every word I said back there! _Allen panicked when his master gave him a look that clearly said "You're in a world of trouble."

"Allen," Cross growled. "I told you NOT to leave your room."

"Why didn't you tell me you were right there!" Allen shouted as he backed away.

Cross stormed over to Allen's hiding corner and picked him up by them hem of his shirt. Allen's legs dangled in the air, and Allen found it hard to believe how strong his master was. He was like superman or something.

"I heard that," Cross told Allen, who only stared blankly. Cross rolled his eyes and explained, "I put a chip in your brain so I can hear your every thought. This way I can know when you're in danger."

Allen found himself smiling. "Aww, thanks master!"

Clearly Cross wanted to tell Allen the real reason he had put a chip in Allen's brain, but he didn't tell him until after Allen showed his thanks.

"I'm only going to do this once," Allen told Cross, "and I have to say, I'm proud that you managed to improve your behavior. You used to be a total bastard, but now you're sort of…" he struggled to find the word and associate it with his master. "Sort of a nice guy."

Knowing his master was a "nice guy," Allen quickly kissed his master on the cheek.

Cross had to stop himself from going into Mama!Cross or Troll!Dad!Cross. He cleared his throat and turned his head away, and when he looked back at his apprentice, his face was a (as he preferred to call it) lightish red.

"Actually, Allen," he drawled, "what I meant… was that I put it in your brain to know when you were in danger from bananas."

Allen's smile fell.

"…"

There were no words to describe how the hell he felt after that.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Walking out the door

Foiled by: Cross stays quiet and doesn't let Allen see who he is until he gets pissed off

:D

Oh, an next time I'll be sure to post on Monday. It just gets really busy sometimes, because I tend to jam-pack my schedule ._.


	46. Chapter 46

101 Attempts- Chairs

Title: Which One is the Bride?

A/N: In this chapter, the viewer is the chair. Have fun.

._.

Allen Walker kneels down on one knee before you with a small box in his hands. You are happy, even more so when he opens the box to reveal a diamond ring.

"Will you marry me?" he asks you.

You are not sure of how to respond. Not because you don't know what to say, or because you've been sent into shock.

It's because you're a chair.

Chairs can't talk or have feelings, but you feel somewhat warm on the inside. Maybe that's because someone sat on you earlier, but you push that thought aside to focus on the British boy in front of you.

_I will, _you want to say.

You want to tell Allen how much you love him, but you have no mouth so you can't say a thing. Sucks to be you.

Suddenly, the door is knocked down by the man known as Cross Marian. You don't like this man, and neither does Allen. Defensively, you stick out one leg to protect him, and Allen cowers behind you.

The general gives you a dirty look and looks up to Allen for an explanation. He's like a hurt puppy, or a girlfriend who just caught her boyfriend cheating on her red-handed. Or like a mother watching her son going down the wedding aisle to a girl she doesn't like. Cross storms forward and Allen picks you up while he backs away.

"Allen, who is this?" he demands to know.

_Uh oh_, you think. You become nervous when you see Cross take out his lighter from his pocket.

"Master, I'm getting married," Allen informs his master. "I'm no longer a child; I'm sixteen! That means I'm legal in England." It also means Allen is an adult and is allowed to leave home, buy his own pet, join a Trade Union, demand minimal wage, and drive a moped. Allen dares to speak again. Poor fool. "Which I'm from, by the way. I think."

Cross is not happy with this defiance.

"You need your guardian's consent," he tells Allen. "And I do not consent."

Allen glances back and forth between the window and his master, then dashes towards it and uses you to break it open. As Allen is about to escape, Cross grabs him by the waist and pulls him away from the exit and blocks it.

While Allen gets up from the floor, you're helpless and without protection. Cross quickly sets you on fire while Allen only stares in horror.

"No!" he cries out in distress.

"Yes!" Cross responds to Allen's suffering.

Allen glares. "Master, why do you always do this to me? I'm allowed to love! I have RIGHTS!"

"No you don't," Cross tells Allen. "Anyways, chairs don't have souls. This is for your own good, too. Who knows how many people used that chair?"

"Chair wouldn't cheat on me," Allen sniffs and looks in your direction. "Right?..."

Obviously, you can't respond because you're on fire and have no way of communicating,

Oh, and because you're dying.

Again, sucks to be you.

"This is for your own good," Cross repeats to Allen. "Come on, cheer up. I know this hooker you might be interested in."

This doesn't cheer Allen up.

Instead, it does the opposite, and Allen breaks out into tears.

"There is no other," Allen sobs.

Cross shrugs, unmoved by Allen's pitiful crying.

Unfortunately, Allen's crying doesn't put out the flames that burn you alive. As you're turned to ashes, your last thought is the image of Cross walking Allen down the wedding aisle and scowling at you as you take away his daughter.

… _Allen is a girl, right?_ You think.

But it doesn't matter, because you're dead now. You were just set on fire by Cross Marian, destroyer of melons and chairs. I will say it once, twice, and one more: Sucks to be you, buddy.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Using the chair to break open a window and escape with it

Foiled by: Cross got jealous and burned the chair

Lack of inspiration ._. Sorry it's short.


	47. Chapter 47

101 Attempts- Free hugs

Title: Seems legit.

A/N: Yeah, don't be an idiot like Allen and enter a dark alleyway at night. Bad stuff happens.

._.

"Allen, I'm drunk," Cross announced to his sober apprentice at one in the morning. He stumbled into their shared room and collapsed on the wrong bed, falling face-first onto Allen's chest. Allen groaned at being woken so rudely, and let out a whine as he rolled over to ignore his drunk master. Cross didn't like being neglected, because he tried to catch Allen's attention by poking his face.

Allen whined, pulling the covers over his head to block the finger that jabbed his cheek. Cross shifted and for a moment Allen believed he was leaving, but then the covers were lifted and his master settled in beside him. Angered by his master's blatant display of I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-what-you-think, Allen kicked at the man and put a pillow between them.

"Master, I'm not a little kid anymore. We're not sharing a bed for any of that parent/child bonding you have in mind," Allen turned his back so he didn't have to look at the drunk face of his master. A hand tapped him on the back and Allen let out an annoyed sigh, moving his head to glare at his master. "What, you're still here? Go away!" he shooed Cross, "I'm trying to sleep here."

A growl emanated from between them, and Allen's eyes opened fully to find Timcanpy climbing out from under the pillow. The golem hissed at them and jumped onto Allen's hand, crawling up his arm to settle on his shoulder. The golden face stared up at them, and Allen apologized for accidently squishing Tim with the pillow Allen had used to split the bed.

Tim whacked Allen's face with his tail but did no more, returning to sleep while Allen sat up. He rubbed his eyes and let out a yawn before he got out of bed. Cross's curious gaze followed Allen around the room as he collected various clothing articles. Allen excused himself and went to change in the bathroom. Since he was self conscious, he told Timcanpy to wait outside.

"Date," Timcanpy growled from the other side of the door. "Allen go on date…"

Before Cross could react to that, Allen locked the bathroom door. He could hear Cross shoot out of bed and rush out of the room, and blocked out the sound of the general pounding on the door.

"Tim, what do you mean?" he roared. Allen rolled his eyes and changed out of his pajamas to wear his casual clothing. Since he was wide-awake and Cross was drunk off his ass, Allen decided to go out for a stroll.

"Allen no love master," Tim explained in a caveman-like grunt. "He leave forever."

_Oh god, Tim is completely taking advantage of the situation, _Allen thought.

"NO, IDIOT, DON'T CLIMB OUT THAT WINDOW!" Cross kicked the door and Allen zipped up his jacket, unable to believe his master was falling for this. "You can leave if you're trying to kill yourself, but if you're leaving me to find another master, you can't!"

Allen opened the window and escaped their ground-level apartment, putting his hands over his ears so he didn't have to listen to his master's shouting. He picked up the pace when Cross finally kicked the door down (when he could have gone out the front door) and disappeared into town to get away from his master's insanity.

It was surprisingly quiet without that crazy man around. Allen smiled and wandered the streets, happy to get away from the madness. After about thirty minutes of walking alone, Allen stumbled across a dark alleyway with the words "free hugs" spray painted on the entrance. Allen paused before the narrow alley, and watched as a stray cat shot out of said alley and hissed at him.

He stood there for a couple of seconds, and then decided that a free hug wouldn't be too bad. The offer seemed legit.

Aaaaaaaand, the audience face palmed.

The alley turned out to be a dead end with a group of delinquents setting a body bag on fire.

"Hey guys," Allen greeted cheerfully. They all turned to stare at him. "Are you here for the free hugs too?"

There was a stretched silence.

"Is this guy stupid?" one of them whispered.

Allen tilted his head curiously.

Timcanpy floated down to hit Allen on the head, and Cross arrived moments later to drag the idiot away from the dark alley.

"Allen_, I'm_ supposed to be the drunk one," Cross berated his apprentice when they were a safe distance away.

"I didn't get my free hug yet," Allen whined.

Cross dropped Allen on the sidewalk and glared down at him. Allen got back up to his feet, putting his hands on his hips and returning the glare.

"_I_ could have given you a hug," Cross scowled. "You weren't even going to get one in that alley, anyways."

"I don't want your hug; I don't like you!" Allen protested, defiantly sticking his tongue out at his master.

"Those brats back there probably had melons or something," Cross argued, "you could have gotten hurt!"

Allen blinked and considered that, but shook his head.

"They seemed friendly," he defended his earlier choice regardless. "They were even making a fire to keep themselves warm. I think they were about to invite me over," Allen smiled.

Cross raised an eyebrow at Allen's naivety. "Allen," he started hesitantly. He wasn't sure how to break down the news to his apprentice. "You do know what they were burning, right?"

"Yeah," Allen chirped and nodded in the affirmative. "They were burning leaves!"

Cross's expression changed to disbelief.

"There's only so far you can take your idiocy." Timcanpy agreed with Cross's statement by biting the boy's face. The general rolled his eyes and began to take them home, while Tim continued to attack Allen.

As they arrived back at their apartment, Allen remembered why he had run off in the first place.

"Master, I think I'll be sleeping on the couch," Allen informed his master. "You know, just for…"

"Tim ate it," Cross interrupted.

"… What?" Allen requested that Cross repeat that.

"I fed it to Tim," Cross shrugged. "I knew you would try something like that, and Tim was getting hungry, so I let him eat it."

With no other choice, Allen resigned to the inevitable.

"The pillow goes in between," Allen told his master firmly. "You really need to take care of that melon trauma of yours. I don't know what you saw at the bar before you came home, but…" he looked at the blank look on his master's face and stopped. "But you don't care, I know."

"I'll take care of my melon trauma at my own pace. _You,"_ he pointed at Allen, "need to be less of an idiot."

"Sorry master, I can't help it. I'm supposed to act like this as part of my contract." Allen glanced at the nearby camera crew. OrangeMoonGoddess motioned for her staff to move to somewhere less noticeable. "Speaking of which, you're doing a good job with yours."

Cross proudly took out his contract from his pocket and showed it to Allen.

"My only complaint is that there aren't enough women. If I was the one writing the script," he looked pointedly at the author at this, "then there would be ladies all over the place. Hookers would be on every corner, booze would be free, and you know what? Everyone would be a woman. Even _you_," he looked back to Allen.

Allen stepped around his master to enter their room, not bothering to change back into his pajamas. He removed his jacket and shoes instead, collapsing on his bed tiredly. He remembered to put the pillow in the middle before closing his eyes, though with his luck he would probably end up squashed like Timcanpy had been earlier.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Running away when Cross is drunk

Foiled by: The free hug distraction.

This chapter was inspired by a picture I saw on Memebase ;)

Oh, and before I end this, if anyone is interested I created a new FanFiction account. I'll be using it to post stuff and share with my classmates (found some Fanfiction and anime buddies :D ) but I won't dare show them this one O.o For, uh, obvious reasons *cough* Also, I started a spin off series (as I guess you would call it): 50 Reasons Why Allen Wants a New Master. Feel free to check it out, because if you like this then you might like the new story too :)


	48. Chapter 48

101 attempts- Popularity

A/N: This is why there shouldn't be polls.

._.

first place: Allen Walker, second place: Kanda Yuu, third place: Lavi, fourth place: Lenalee Lee, fifth place... Seventh... Ninth...

"Ah, here it is."

Eleventh place, Cross Marian.

Cross folded his arms and shook his head, unable to believe how far down the popularity list he had gone, and that idiot Allen was at the top. Even Timcanpy was more popular than him, especially after that incident in chapter 216. While Cross didn't hold a grudge against Tim for that, he did feel angry about how no one was paying attention to him anymore. It was like he'd been pushed into non-existence!

Suddenly, his spot at eleventh place dropped. Cross stared in shock as he fell all the way to the bottom of the list, even lower rank than the damned melons and bananas and all other produce.

Well, shit.

Meanwhile, Allen was laughing.

"Oh god, I can't believe I didn't think of this earlier," he clutched his cramping side and tried to hold back his laughter as Komui placed Cross at the bottom of the popularity poll.

"All done, Allen-kun," the director nodded cheerfully. "Now I won't have to worry about him hitting on my precious Lenalee!" Then, as if remembering Allen was there, added, "Oh, and pestering you too, of course. But not in a sexual way."

The yaoi fangirls sulked and left the room to return to 4chan.

"Yeah, that's right," Allen narrowed his eyes at the screen, "We don't want to see you did to us."

Kanda, standing in the corner with his Segway, nodded in agreement as he was usually the victim of extreme OOC, being turned feminine and whiny and girly and whatnot.

Oh, and Allen too.

But no one cared about Allen.

"So we shouldn't even think about him anymore, right?" Allen was eager to see how well their plan would work. If it didnt, it would at least piss off Cross.

Apparently it was working though.

"Who?" Komui blinked.

Allen's face fell as he lost his train of thought.

"What were we talking about?..."

._.

Cross eventually figured out no one could see him.

First he tested this out by shouting "NUTS" in the cafeteria. No one even looked his way.

Then he lifted up a book and walked around with it. People ran away screaming "ghost."

When he streaked around in the hallways after drinking ten gallons of beer and no one even knew he was there, Cross realized he had to do something about this.

He sat down (clothed, obviously) at Allen's computer and began the process of getting his life (and idiot) back. During his absence, Allen had found a new master, gotten married to that damn chair, solved all the world's problems, removed Neah, defeated the Noahs and killed all other antagonists. He'd also found a well-paying job and became president of the world after establishing world peace. He also solved that rubick's cube and found Waldo.

But Cross didn't like Allen doing those things. He tried to stop him, but Allen thought he was a ghost and called Ghostbusters.

Without further ado, he began to work on hacking the popularity poll.

._.

The next day, Allen woke up and noticed he wasn't in his president of the world bedroom. Waldo was gone, the rubick's cube was a mess, his ring was gone and Mrs. Chair Walker... gone? Allen frowned and sat up in the bed in his room at the Order, wondering if it had all been one dream. And for some reason, he wanted to give Cross a hug and buy him some alcohol.

No!.. Must. Resist.

Gritting his teeth while fighting the urge to do as his mind was suggesting to him, Allen quickly dressed to see what was going on. He had a feeling something happening. Something bad.

"Oi, idiot, I fixed all your problems," Cross told Allen.

Wait... Who was Cross?

Cross... wasn't that...

"I'm your master," Cross reminded him. "And now I'm on the top of the list. Forever."

Losing his first place spot on the popularity poll didn't phase him, but didn't that mean Cross would be the president of the world now?

"It does," Cross answered.

"..."

"There's a chip in your brain, remember?"

"..."

Cross handed Allen a print-out of the list.

"First place, Cross Marian," Allen read aloud. "Second place, Allen Walker..." surprised, he looked up at his master. "I thought I would be in last?"

Clearly Cross didn't like that idea. "No, I raised you to be better than that. Besides," he coughed awkwardly and looked away, "I... Love you. As family," he glared at the yaoi fangirls. He turned back to Allen. "I don't want anyone else in second place, or third or fourth. I don't like people."

It was weird to think of Cross of antisocial, when he was always... never mind.

"Well, I tried to get away," Allen sighed. "Just one question: did you change our character personalities? Likes and interests?"

The urge to hug kept getting stronger.

And of course Cross denied this accusation.

"No," he lied, rushing over to the open computer to close the page. Then he reopened it and quickly typed something in, submitted it, and then closed the page. Then he threw the computer out the window along with the plug after smashing it.

"Okay, maybe I tweaked them a little," Cross started as Allen glared. "Stuff like the behaviors. That's all."

All of a sudden, outside of the order there was an explosion. Alarmed and wondering if they were under attack, Allen rushed over to the window to see what had happened. His guess wasn't even close to what he saw.

There were several things wrong with this picture:

One: Komui was actually doing something productive and beneficial to society for once.

Two: He didn't care that Lenalee was streaking and that Lavi was looking.

Three: The Komurin bots were killing everyone and no one was caring.

Allen looked to his master for an explanation.

"… I just wanted them all to leave or die," Cross shrugged and sat down at Allen's desk. He took out a bag from under the bed and emptied the contents on the tabletop. Knitting yarn along with other knitting tools spilled out of the bag.

Allen sighed and looked away from what his master was doing. He had a feeling he didn't want to know.

"Oh by the way," Cross paused in his apparent sweater-knitting to look back at his apprentice. "You might experience de-aging… or go through some sort of, uh, mental regression."

Allen stared.

Cross stared back.

"… Master, what did you do to me?" Allen asked tiredly.

Instead of talking this out, Cross brought up the wiki page on his phone and showed it to him.

"Allen Walker: Cross Marian's bitch. Is nine-years-old, loves to eat, likes to sleep, enjoys reading manga…" he trailed off, surprised that his master remembered what he had been years ago. "This is mostly accurate, master. I'm impressed."

Cross nodded smugly but stopped when he noticed Allen had said "mostly."

"What do you mean, 'mostly'?" he demanded. He wasn't very threatening while he was knitting that sweater, but his glare was enough to make Allen nervous.

"Well, that part that says 'Cross Marian's bitch'… would you please stop saying that?" Allen didn't like the word. The viewers probably didn't either.

But Cross didn't care.

"Keep reading, there's more."

Allen frowned and looked back down at Cross's phone.

"… but he is a brat that needs to shut up and give his master a hug and stuff like that. He should also buy his master more booze, but he never listens and says that he has no money. But that's stupid, because in Cross's empire, alcohol is free everywhere- Master, what the hell is this," Allen halted his reading and threw the phone at the ground out of frustration.

It bounced back up and gave him a black eye. Stupid Nokia.

"Hey, be glad you're being allowed to live," Cross took back his phone from the floor. "All of your friends are being killed, you'll start de-aging again, and I'll be put in office of _President of the World_ within the next few hours."

"I guess I should say my final goodbyes to my friends, then," Allen started to leave, but Cross grabbed him by the sleeve of his shirt. "… I guess I should stay and let you take my measurements instead."

Cross took out the measurement tape. "I'm making two identical sweaters. One for you, and one for me. And maybe Timcanpy if he apologizes for eating all my hair."

Timcanpy hissed at Cross from the corner.

"Suit yourself," Cross grumbled under his breath. Allen lifted his arms so Cross could measure his waist. "What color should our sweaters be?"

"Master, that's-"

"Shut up, Allen."

"Not idiot?"

"Not today."

"… can mine be red?" Cross put down the measuring tape to scratch down Allen's measurements on a notepad. He grabbed for the red yarn on the table, then motioned for Allen to come over. Allen brought over a chair so he could sit next to his master, although he would rather be saying goodbye to his friends, since, you know, they would be dying.

Oh well. If Cross wanted to knit a sweater with Allen next to him while he was doing that, then he was going to get what he wanted, not taking "no" for an answer. He did wonder what everyone else's personality profiles said now, but he had a feeling none of it would be good.

Cross answered Allen's thought just as he remembered that there was a chip in his brain. He should probably do something about that, but it'd be kind of hard, what with his master knowing his every thought.

"None of your friends have any personalities," he told him. "They're only interested in dying off so I can have all of your attention."

"Master, you have issues," Allen shook his head in disapproval. "I'm pretty sure you have an apprentice-complex. Don't you want to go get that checked out?" _In which I mean you totally should. In fact, if you didn't have that complex in the first place, I would be able to get away from you and live a long a happy life with little trouble._

"I heard that," Cross scowled. "And no, I'm not going to, now that you said that." He pursed his lips to think about what he just said. "I mean, that you _thought_ that."

"Whatever." Ignoring Cross, Allen turned to stare longingly out the window. Outside, Lenalee had put her clothes back on but had killed Kanda, whose sword was lodged in Lavi's head.

Cross took notice of Allen's longing look. "Do you want to go outside and play with the other kids?"

"I'm not nine yet," Allen reminded his master.

"Yet." Cross stressed the word. "Not yet, but you soon will be."

Meanwhile, Allen de-aged to fourteen. Then thirteen.

Allen took another look at the chaos outside. "And no, I don't think I'll be joining them. I'd rather stay inside."

"That's a first." Something occurred to Cross and he stopped his knitting. "Shit, I should have taken your measurements _after _you finished de-aging."

"Pfft, knowing your memory," Allen's voice was suddenly more high-pitched and girly-like, "you probably remember that, too. Unless the alcohol finally got to you and, well, you know."

"Shut up Allen."

Nine-year-old Allen blinked because he wasn't smart enough to understand the order. Then it sunk in and he nodded slowly.

"Okay, master," he smiled. "Do you want a hug?"

"Oh, hell yes," Cross grabbed his apprentice and pretended like he didn't see stalker Link in the corner. He turned away so that his back was facing him. Stupid stalker person. Cross made note to change that guy's profile later, too.

"Let's go to the store and buy some alcohol," Allen chirped.

_Oh my god this is the best day ever._

"Alright, let's go," Cross abandoned his knitting project and threw his idiot Allen over his shoulders to carry him.

And Allen never thought about escaping ever again.

Until Link reset all of the profiles and turned everything back to normal. Which may or may not have made Cross kill him.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Making Cross non-existant

Foiled By: Cross found the internet. Namely, wikipedia.


	49. Chapter 49

101 Attempts- Democracy

Title: **** It. I'm Bored.

A/N: Foods class is going to be the END of me. I swear to god, there are so many things you shouldn't do in the kitchen that I'm going paranoid. If you don't clean up messes? You die. If you use the wrong knife? You die. If your pot's handle sticks out? You die.

Warning: Some of you readers may feel offended later on, so I'll have to warn you in advance that there is some FanFiction bashing.

._.

Allen peeked outside of his room at the dead of night at the Black Order. He looked both ways cautiously; afraid he would be caught before he tried anything. In his hands was his backpack containing his clothes, some cash, and other necessities to last him for two weeks at most while out on the run. He glanced back at the sleeping inspector, Link Howard, and confirmed that he was indeed asleep before daring to further open his door. Allen tiptoed out, slowly closing the door and letting it shut with a soft "click."

The building was shut down for the night and there wasn't a single person in sight. Normally, Allen would have tried to escape out the window, but Link had installed some sort of anti-Allen-Walker-escape system. That was actually Cross's fault, since he constantly intruded and caused Allen to try and break free. Jumping out the window to freedom, however, meant stepping outside of the building (which he was not allowed to do, under any circumstances. Not even if the Order was on fire). Because of his restrictions, Allen decided to use an alternative method to get away. By "alternative method," Allen was simply going to walk out the front door and never come back. The Black Order's security sucked, so at the least it would take a couple years for them to realize that he left.

Lately his master, instead of being the jackass who woke him up in the middle of the night to party, became the jackass who woke him up to be an ULTRA _mega_ jackass. Without the partying, and focusing more on the "jackassery." Allen didn't like this, so out the building he went. If Cross was going to be mean, well, Allen just wasn't up to dealing with that. Instead of allowing Cross to bully him, Allen was going to listen to the shitty advice teachers gave their students in middle school. Walk away, they said. Don't let the bully get their way, they said. _Just wait until someone gets a black eye, _Allen thought as he rolled his eyes. In this case going away would work, because Cross wasn't going to leave the Order anytime soon.

Technically, Allen wasn't allowed to leave either, but Allen didn't plan on going back. It wasn't just his master that Allen was angry with; he was angry with his friends as well for reasons he won't disclose. Allen slung his backpack over his shoulder and stepped over the papers the science division left cluttered in the hallway. Unfortunately, he didn't see some of the papers in the dark, and managed to trip over them. He went down while trying to muffle his yelp, holding his hands over his mouth as he skidded across the floor and over the railing.

A hand shot out to grab him and Allen winced as his unknown savior pulled him back up. He was brought back to safety and was dropped on the floor like heavy luggage. Grateful and somewhat offended, Allen looked up only to find his friends standing over him, arms folded and eyes narrowed accusingly. Embarrassed, Allen averted his gaze and awkwardly shifted in his spot until one of them spoke.

"Where were you trying to go at this time?" one of them demanded. It didn't matter which one of his friends it was, because they were pretty much interchangeable. Except for Lenalee, for obvious reasons.

No matter what Allen said here, it wouldn't make a difference. His friends weren't stupid; they knew what he was up to. Allen chose to be honest in his explanation, but in his opinion, what he did was none of their business. He didn't ask them why they did what they did, or question why they went to places when it was blatantly obvious. It was the same for Allen; why wouldn't he be running away?

Apparently his friends were none to bright, because even as he explained it to them, they continued to ask questions.

"But why?" Lenalee frowned. To make her anger with Allen clear, she knocked him over and stepped on his back.

"I just told you," Allen sighed exasperatedly, "I'm leaving because of my master. I don't like him, but as long as he's stuck at the Order, he can't go after me." He hoped his second explanation would get through to his friends, because he didn't think he could make this any simpler.

Lavi also stepped on Allen's back since it was the "in" thing to do. Kanda saw this and left for a few minutes, then returned with his Segway and rolled over Allen. The English boy barely noticed this, already used to being abused by his friends. An extra Segway or two wouldn't make a difference. He was just surprised he hadn't broken any bones yet.

"What about us?" Lavi asked as he pressed harder on Allen's back. Lenalee didn't like having to share space, so she moved her foot so that it had its own place on Allen's head.

Allen pursed his lips, ignoring the fact that his friends were treating him like a rug. Were they really asking him why he was leaving them? He wondered if it was normal for them to do this, but he supposed he was just very… rug-like.

"It's not me, it's you," Allen began, but then realized he phrased that horribly wrong and backtracked. "I mean, it's not you, it's me. And by 'it's me,' I mean that it's really you and that I'm sick of this _place and I'm never coming back_." He bit down on his lip timidly while he waited for them to respond.

Finally, to everyone's surprise, the silence was broken than none other than Kanda. "Kill teammate."

Lenalee's eyes flashed with excitement and Allen's stomach flipped at the thought of being murdered by his own friends. They wouldn't do that, would they? But Lenalee responded to Kanda's suggestion, leaving Allen confused. "I agree! We should all take a vote, and depending on the outcome, Allen will get to either leave or stay here with the rest of us for the rest of his life." She pressed harder on Allen's head with her boot.

Allen tried to protest, but every time he opened his mouth, Lenalee would further crush his skull.

"All those in favor of Allen leaving, say '_No, I'm not, I definitely think Allen should stay_'" Lenalee said, and waited.

No one said anything.

"I choose that one," Allen spoke up from his spot on the floor, but was ignored. His friends told him that his vote didn't count.

"Alright, all those in favor of Allen staying for the rest of his life dead or alive, say _'yes, I definitely think Allen should stay_.'" Lenalee quickly chose this option, and waited for the other two.

"Stay should Allen think definitely I, yes." Lavi answered backwards. Lenalee tallied the "stay" vote and turned to Kanda.

"Dead," Kanda answered, and ran his Segway over Allen. "I say we kill him."

Allen whimpered pathetically as the loud and booming voice of his master called out his name ("idiot apprentice") and meekly responded to his master, "Yes?"

Lenalee beamed at the trapped English boy. "So we're all in agreement, then!" she cheered. "Even Allen wants Allen to stay."

Cross flipped on the lights and pushed everyone off of his idiot, kicking the papers aside and protectively picked him up to shield him. Kind of like a wolf and its cub. To be specific, he was a very vicious wolf with a rather pathetic cub. Cross even picked Allen up by biting him, but then realized he wasn't an animal and that he was actually a human. He gave up on the biting and settled for stuffing Allen into a bag. Allen protested against this treatment, but Cross shot a couple holes into the container with his gun so Allen could breathe.

Allen looked out through one of the holes and slowly ripped at the cloth using his left hand's claw. From what he saw, Cross had already shot all of Allen's friends for "picking on his idiot." Allen wanted to object to that, but he was already a little upset with his friends. He kept quiet while Cross stole the notebook Lenalee had used to keep the tallies. The general skimmed over it and nodded slowly to himself, and then turned his gaze to the bag he carried his apprentice in.

"What's the meaning of this, brat." It wasn't a question; it was a _demand_. Allen shifted uncomfortably but responded over the pained moaning of his friends.

"I was running away, but I got caught and they voted on whether or not I got to leave." More like they gave him no other choice but to stay, but judging from the raised eyebrow his master wore on his face, he understood exactly what he meant.

Cross turned away to focus on where he was walking. Allen waited patiently in the bag, and wondered where his backpack had gone as he was carried along. He kind of wanted his money back… but he made note to find his belongings later. But if any of his money was stolen, there was going to be hell to pay.

Eventually Cross made his way back to his room, and dumped Allen out of the bag and onto the floor. Allen stretched, but Cross was quick to step on him to stop his apprentice from getting up. He should have known that would happen.

"I'm still not going to forgive you," Allen informed his master after a stretched silence.

Cross didn't know what Allen was referring to, since everything he did could be seen as offensive and/or sinful.

"Bitch, I don't need your forgiveness," Cross scoffed.

Allen rolled over onto his back, and Cross moved his foot to his stomach. It was kind of strange to be talking to just the floor.

"… Besides, I don't even know what I did," Cross admitted as he coughed into his elbow. He refused to look down at his apprentice, who was amused by his master's strange behavior.

Allen decided to share what was on his mind. "You've been really mean recently." He wasn't going to provide an example, seeing as how Cross would deny any accusations anyways.

As expected, Cross denied this too. "No I haven't! I've been my usual mean."

"Oh? Well you shoot my friends, you kill anyone I talk to, you burn any letters anyone tries to send me under the impression they're love letters-"

"Which they are," Cross cut in.

Allen glared but continued, "-you make my life a living hell, you've been racking up more debt than usual, and you also insult me daily. You think I _appreciate_ that? You call it '_constructive criticism_,' while I call it abusive and destructive. The only thing you've done right is kill the enemy, who just happened to flirt with me that one time."

Cross was quick to defend himself.

"It's not my fault you're an idiot." Cross easily returned the glare and this time stepped on Allen's face. The apprentice complained but gave up when Cross didn't move his foot. "Your friends are jerks, no one EVER bothers talking to anyone unless they want something-" he held up his hand before Allen could interject, "-which is true, so don't back sass me.

"The letters _were_ love letters, I make your life a living hell because that's how I roll, stop fucking it up; the debt is training, the insults, while harsh, are for your own-self reflection- and YES you are an oblivious idiot; and yeah, I killed that Road girl. You should be grateful or some shit." Cross finished by removing his foot, while Allen stood before anyone else decided to use him as a stepping stool.

As Allen stretched out properly, Cross stared at him like he wanted to say something. Allen caught on and stepped back. Cross stepped forward, and this continued until Allen was trapped in the corner.

"Oh come on," Cross frowned and pinned Allen where he was, putting his hands on the wall beside his head. Allen felt himself shrink and tried to look away, but Cross got in his face to stare him down.

Allen hoped the audience wasn't getting the wrong idea. They were perverts like that.

"Master, I'm too old for that," Allen whined.

Cross didn't buy that excuse. "We just had a fight. To top it off, you actually fought back for once. Then we made up," he blocked Allen from sneaking under his arms and killed the perverted fanfiction writers peeking through the window. He didn't want any _more_ strange stories to show up on that site.

"But-" Allen glanced over Cross's shoulder to see who he'd just killed, but Cross blocked his vision.

"Why not?" Cross nudged Allen teasingly. "It's been a long time since we shared a bed. I promise I'll put the pillow in the middle."

_Only little kids share beds with their parents, _Allen thought in a panicked state. _And Cross is definitely NOT my father!_

Cross saw the defiance in his apprentice's eyes. He frowned and Allen felt a bit guilty for saying no. "Isn't that what people do when they make up after fights?"

"Master, that's what COUPLES do. They don't cuddle, either. They…"

Cross hit Allen on the head before he could finish that sentence, and glanced nervously at the window where the fanfiction writers were.

"Piss off, we don't want to see any of your porn," he told them.

The fanfiction writers scrambled to leave.

"Don't give them any strange ideas," Cross scolded Allen. "Our fandom has to deal with enough gay shit as it is. If I see _one more_ of those stories, I cannot be held responsible for what I'm going to do to those people."

It was strange to think of his master killing the fanfiction writers for something so trivial. Allen didn't complain on that, however, because quite frankly, he was tired of the poorly-written stories (and smut).

A knock on the door caught Allen's attention, but Cross chose to ignore the shouts from the other side.

"General Cross!" Link shouted through the door. "If you don't release Walker, we will assume you are holding him hostage and break this door down!" The inspector knocked on the door again, only harsher. Allen could hear the voices of his friends from outside, and figured they must have woken Link up when they saw he was missing.

It didn't help that Cross had carried Allen away in what could be passed off as a body bag.

"Hey Allen," Cross suddenly had an evil smirk on his face as the knocking on the door grew louder. "Make them think you're dying. That'll get rid of them for a while."

Allen didn't like that idea.

"But master, that's dishonest."

Cross raised an eyebrow and hit his pupil on the head. "Says the boy who was about to run away."

"… Fine. I'll start screaming."

Allen pushed his master off of him and took his master's gun too. Cross watched him go to the center of the room, and then point the gun at the floor.

"Allen, what are you doing?" Cross didn't know why Allen had stolen his gun, and the absence of his weapon was putting him on edge. Before Cross could do anything, Allen answered by pulling the trigger…

And shot himself in the foot.

Now, Allen didn't scream. For a few moments he stood there as still as a statue. He didn't cry, either. Oh no, he didn't move or speak until his master (shocked that Allen had done such a thing) came forward to reclaim his gun.

That was when Allen finally responded.

He didn't scream. He shouted to the heavens.

He didn't cry. He sobbed so hard that he almost puked.

As for the speaking part?

"MOTHER OF GOD, WHY DID I DO THAT?" Allen screamed and collapsed on the floor, clutching onto his bleeding foot. "CALL AN AMBULANCE! I'M **DYING!**"

"Nice try Allen," Lavi's voice mocked. "We all know you shot the floor. Let's leave, guys."

Allen glared at the door and shouted after his friends. "I'm DYING! Do I have to spell it out for you people? Open the door and check yourself!" Cross kneeled down next to Allen to assess the damage. When he was certain that Allen was indeed dying, he left Allen's side to get the first aid kit.

Allen rolled on the floor, cursing himself for doing that. His master returned shortly and gave Allen a Band-Aid with little hearts on top. He stuck the pink Band-Aid on Allen's mouth to shut him up. The screaming stopped, at least.

With the source of the annoyance gone, Cross shoved the first-aid kit under the couch and punched Allen in the head to knock him unconscious. Cross shrugged and sat on the ground beside his apprentice, glad that Allen had shot his foot of all things.

_I guess he won't be running away anymore. I wonder if I can convince him to shoot his other foot?_

Recognizing those thoughts as wrong and disturbing, Cross shook his head. Still, it was annoying to see Allen constantly try to escape him. Maybe next time he should just build some sort of jail cell and throw the kid in there. Knowing Allen, though, the kid would eat his way out.

Allen's bleeding became a problem, so Cross grabbed his laptop and typed into the search engine "how to fix a bullet wound." One of the first results showed up on wikiHow, so he clicked on the link and waited for the page to load as Allen slowly died. He tapped his finger on the built-in keyboard impatiently and leaned forward when the page finally showed its contents.

Step One: _If you had enough time to get on the internet to look up what to do, the bullet wound victim is probably already a goner. Since you won't be able to do anything, tell them nice things before they die._

Cross pulled Allen onto his lap and did as he was told, only that last bit he didn't agree to. He insulted Allen instead, telling the unconscious brat how useless and worthless he was. Even though Allen was out cold, Cross was certain his message was getting through.

Step Two: _Make sure their last moments are peaceful and less painful. The victim, if they're still alive, will most likely be feeling tremendous amounts of pain. _

The general warily eyed the bullet wound and the blood on Allen's legs. His one good eye glanced down to where he kept his gun. Unsure of how to make Allen more comfortable, Cross decided to give him more pain to block out the other pain. That would do, right?

Allen, as if sensing Cross's intentions, frowned subconsciously.

Cross shot Allen's other foot, and the boy jerked in place. His eyes shot open but Cross hit him again so he wouldn't have to deal with his whining.

_Step Three: Put victim out of their misery. Trust me, you'll be doing them a favor._

_Created by: GiveMeYourSoulMilEarl_

Seemed legit.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Packing up and leaving the Order, knowing that Cross can't leave.

Foiled by: His friends voted that he stay, and then stepped on him. Allen didn't think to push them off and run away before his master showed up.

I hope you enjoyed the long chapter :3


	50. Chapter 50

101 Attempts - Halloween

Title: Boo

A/n: Happy Halloween for those in America :)

Also… you guys know what I mean by fruit, right? Before anyone gets mad at me for this, I'll apologize in advance: I'm sorry, but it's a parody and none of the characters in the series are actually gay (accept maybe Jerry). No pairings, no slash. There will NEVER be romance unless the pairing is official (which… I don't think there are any).

._.

Halloween was a fun time for children and teenagers. For adults, it was another excuse to drink. Either way, it was something to celebrate if you lived in the right area. Dressing up as someone else to masquerade around a block to ask neighbors for candy was one of the highlights. Another was going to parties in said costumes. Prizes could be distributed and so forth. Haunted houses would definitely be open, along with the last minute shops for costumes.

Unfortunately, the Black Order did not celebrate this holiday ever since _someone_ had TP'd the hallways, _someone_ had drank too much, and _someone_ may or may not have activated the Komurin to protect his or her little sister from the "scary monsters."

And by "someone," Allen meant: Lavi, Cross, and Komui.

Reason why Allen was staying away from them. Kanda, wanting peace and quiet, had agreed to lock them up so everyone else would be able to enjoy the day. Allen made note to bring him soba later (especially since he was going to have to put up with Cross).

"Allen," came the voice of the drunkard. The apprentice turned around to see his master behind bars, and sighed in relief. For a second there, he had thought Cross had been right next to him.

Cross waved Allen over, and reluctantly, Allen obeyed. The general sat on the edge of the metal bed in his cell, hands folded and feet firm on the ground. He seemed serious, as if he had something important to say for once. Allen decided to listen when he saw Apocryphos peek out at them from the cell one row down.

"Be careful out there, OK, idiot?" Cross stood from his seat and grabbed the metal bars separating them. He leaned as for as the barrier would allow him, and his hand reached out to slip past the bars. Allen felt like shrinking when his master started to pat him on the hair. Cross continued to talk, "And..." he glanced over at Apocryphos, who looked immediately away when they glanced at him, "If I don't make it out of here..."

Cross suddenly froze up in his actions and Allen looked at him to see what was wrong. The man's face was masked by his long red hair, hiding it from him. Allen checked his master's forehead to make sure he wasn't ill. Normal temperature, but he probably had a headache. There was no way Cross was embarrassed or anything.

But he was.

"... I just want to let you know," he took a deep breath and rushed out the words as if they were poison to him. "ThatIloveyoubecauseyou'remyidiotapprentice."

Allen blinked, having missed his master's message. He asked Cross to repeat it three times before giving up; Cross was clearly in a flustered stated and would need time alone before approaching again.

Awkwardly, Cross tugged at Allen's uniform to catch his attention.

"Can I at least see your costume?" Cross seemed too tired to ask for anything else (not even a beer) so Allen complied.

Earlier Allen had dressed into his costume for trick-or-treating with his friends. His outfit was simple: he was a banana.

"FUCK NO!" Cross shouted. "ALLEN, GET OUT OF THAT THING!"

Allen shrugged and walked away. He stopped in the doorway out of temptation. "Lenalee is a watermelon, Kanda is a grape, and the generals are going to walk around as a fruit bowl. You're not invited into their group because of your fruit trauma."

"You poor, sick fucks," Cross shook his head out of pity. "Allen, I swear I'll save you," he promised. "I'll take you away from this madhouse and we'll go anywhere you want. Just… take off the banana suit."

_Is master bargaining with me?_ Allen frowned.

"Master, it's just for one day," Allen tried to reason with his master, but Cross refused to listen.

"Fine, have it your way," Cross seemed angry that Allen wasn't going to obey him. "But I _will_ save you."

Allen rolled his eyes and closed the door behind him after letting Kanda in. Not his problem anymore.

._.

Cross was determined to rescue his idiot apprentice. Not because he cared, but because he cared. He glared out at the world before him from behind the bars that kept him inside the cell. The guard fell asleep and while that was all fine, Cross couldn't reach the key that would let him out.

He scratched his head in frustration, but then remembered he could use Grave of Maria to escape.

"Maria, make that bastard give me the keys," he ordered the corpse.

Soon enough the keys were passed over (while the guard was still asleep) and Cross used them to open the cell. He dismissed Maria and then exited the prison to see what was happening outside.

It was worse than he imagined.

Every person in the building was dressed up as fruit, which made Cross cringe. Why the hell was everyone in this building gay? He swore under his breath and prepared himself mentally before sending himself out into the raging madness of the Black Order. And Allen wondered why he hated coming here.

Being a straight man, Cross knew he would be singled out the moment he went outside. However, he was bent on saving Allen and god damn it, he was going to do just that. He pulled a finder into a dark hallway and mugged him for his costume, then grimaced when he saw that it was also a banana.

Reluctantly, Cross put on the suit and set out to find his moron.

First he blended in with the crowd as to not draw any attention. Cross knew he couldn't walk alone, so he used his womanizing powers on some random ladies and went around with them. He chatted with them but blocked them out after a while- they were busy gossiping about some coworker of theirs.

Step two: ask around. The younger portion of the Order was trick-or-treating, whereas the adults were either getting drunk or aimlessly wandering the hallways. One thing both groups had in common was that they were socializing. Since asking where someone was in this building wasn't strange at all, Cross questioned random strangers.

His third step came into effect the moment he spotted his moron. Allen was hauling a huge bag of candy behind him, looking even more like an idiot in that stupid banana suit. Cross scowled at the thought of his idiot being trapped in that monstrosity, and was driven to tackle said idiot to the ground.

"Wha?-" Allen was knocked down and Cross ripped off the banana costume on his idiot.

"Hold on, idiot, I'm going to save you!" Cross shouted over Allen's terrified screaming.

Quickly, Cross threw the banana costume over the edge and tore off his out of disgust. To stop Allen from resisting, Cross knocked him unconscious and stole his candy. He could use that later to get Allen to stay, although he wasn't sure how long it would last.

"Allen-kun?" Lenalee turned around to see Allen not only beat up, but costume-less and with his master.

Naturally, she was alarmed by this.

"Shut up Lenalee," Cross told the Chinese woman. "Go away, no one wants you."

Lenalee went away.

Now that there was no one to stop him, Cross threw Allen over his shoulder and began to leave the Order with the idiot. Mission accomplished.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Locking Cross away so he can get away for one day

Foiled by: Cross escapes to save him

Oh wow I feel a little bad for Lenalee at the end there xD

I planned on putting this one up on Halloween, but it I'm going to be out with my friends that day so I'm not sure if I'll even have time. In any event, happy Halloween and stay safe! :)


	51. Chapter 51

101 Attempts- Cornering

._.

Allen Walker was in trouble.

To backtrack, earlier he had been with Johnny at some shop during a repair. Suddenly his Innocence had activated, signaling the presence of Apocryphos. Allen had run away to confront his pursuer, only to run into the Millenium Earl. On top of that, Timcanpy wasn't responding to his calls. Basically, Allen was screwed. Apocryphos could show up any minute and there would most likely be a three-way battle, but Allen wasn't in the mood to fight. He had to get away somehow, but maybe he could run since the Earl was too fat to chase after him.

Unfortunately he was at a dead end, so unless he became Spiderman or grew wings, there was no getting out of this situation without a battle. Just like how in those Pokemon games you can't pass by someone without fighting. Allen hoped his arm would give him wings or something; they were feathery enough to pass for them. It was a shame he didn't bring his Red Bull. Because Red Bull gives you wings.

"Allen Walker," the fat guy started to say. Then there was a flash, a hole in the wall, and Allen was all alone.

Confused, Allen waited a few seconds in case anything else happened, but there was nothing interesting to see. He turned around to leave and find Johnny to tell him they had to go.

Just as he started to exit the alley, a Komurin- yes, a Komurin- got in front of him to block his way out. Allen went ahead and assumed something had happened to Kanda or Johnny that made them single the Black Order. With a sigh, Allen went the other way (where the Earl had gone flying) only to be surrounded on all sides by Komurin.

"..."

Allen wasn't sure what to make of this, but moments later someone came along to explain.

"NEAH!"

As Lady Luck had a vendetta against Allen for cheating that one time in strip poker with her, the person that showed up was one of the last people Allen had wanted to see.

A boot crashed into Allen's head violently from the direction the Earl had been sent flying. Needless to say he was knocked over and onto one of the Komurin. Lenalee had jumped onto him and was currently choking him and shaking him while one of the Komurin bots held a crucifix over his head, chanting "_the power of christ compels you._" Another one started splashing holy water on him for what Allen guessed was to "make the unwanted spirit leave." And by unwanted spirit, he meant Neah. He wondered who he should feel bad for; Neah, or himself.

He chose himself when Lenalee began to scream at him.

"NEAH!" she screamed in Allen's face, "How dare you possess Allen-kun! Give him back you bastard!" And then she took out mini-bible and struck the white-haired boy on the head with it, never giving Allen a chance to focus and push her off of him.

"Lenalee, it's me, Allen," he tried to insist.

Lenalee didn't listen to him.

"GIVE HIM BACK!" she wailed.

Allen sighed.

Before he could try anything else, there were several cracks like lightning in the air and all of the Komurin dropped to the ground. Lenalee looked up and her eyes widened. She was about to say something, but a hand picked her up and tossed her away, while Allen caught a glimpse of long and red hair. Nervously, he got up to get a proper look at the person who had just thrown Lenalee like a rag doll.

"Oi, idiot apprentice," the figure barked, "what the hell do you think you're doing?" Allen was pulled to stand and pushed along to leave the scene.

"You're alive?" Allen couldn't help but gape at his suddenly living master.

Cross broke the handcuff the Black Order had made but didn't say anything as he lead Allen out of the alley and into the streets.

The man glanced around and took Allen through several shortcuts (and by shortcuts he meant Cross blowing up walls to get through). They eventually made it to a train station, and Cross shoved Allen on and to the nearest available seat. He peered out the window to make sure they weren't being followed. Moments later the train made its departure and Allen was trapped beside his master. Awkwardly, Allen shifted in place while said master stared at him.

"... Yes?" Allen asked meekly when Cross didn't say anything.

"..."

Allen broke eye contact to avert his gaze to his lap. He thought about asking for the window seat when Cross randomly put his arm around him. Allen almost screamed but managed to keep his horror contained inside. He began to tremble when his master put his other hand on his forehead.

"I guess you aren't sick after all," Cross mused and took his hand away. The arm around Allen stayed, however.

"Why would you think I was sick?" Allen asked.

"Because you've been blushing really hard in all of the latest chapters," Cross answered bluntly. "I thought you might have a fever that no one was going to help you get through, so I decided to visit." Cross shrugged and leaned back in their seat. "I guess Hoshino is just turning you into a girl or some shit."

With nothing else to say, Cross fell asleep.

Allen glanced from his sleeping master to the door, and slowly stood. He took a step forward and froze in motion.

**TO BE CONTINUED**  
(Note from Hoshino: D. Gray Man will be on hiatus until January issue and we will only give you twenty pages to look at! After that will be a seven month wait with eleven pages!)

._.

Attempt: Making a run for it when Cross isn't watching  
Foiled by: He's stopped by Katsura Hoshino's habit to end chapters with cliffhangers, so he doesn't even really get a foot away until two or three months later.

Happy absent chapter 217! I know I'm glad about it... *sigh*

(I understand about that, but I really wish we'd been given a notice ahead)


	52. Chapter 52

101 Attempts- Did you forget?  
Title: See you in hell

A/N: Allen, you said it yourself before. Cross is the devil.

._.

Allen wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to do this or not.

By not doing it, he would be subjected to the rest of his life to suffering by the hands of his master, Cross. He could _not_ do it, and hopefully go to heaven when he died, whereas Cross would be sent straight to hell. While this was probably the better option, and the wait wouldn't be too long considering their line of work, Allen didn't know if heaven would accept him. He didn't even know if he would be reincarnated again or something. So, the other option, doing it and having a definite but somewhat painful result seemed more appealing.

Doing it meant that he could finally escape his master, but Allen felt uncomfortable summoning the devil in a heavily religiously influenced environment.

_It's a relief that Link-san is asleep_ Allen thought as he drew up his little satanic circle. As the book in front of him instructed, he sacrificed a living being, so with Lavi and Kanda's help, they killed Chaozii. It wasn't like anyone really cared about him anyways. Lavi allowed Allen to do this because he thought Allen's attempts to escape his master were amusing, whereas Kanda did it because he wanted to see Allen literally sell his soul to the devil. Allen was glad he had such wonderful friends.

He felt like an idiot, chanting to the mirror (that they had stolen from Lenalee), but soon enough a dark figure appeared. No, it wasn't that creepy shadow guy, but he was there too, making faces at them.

"So you're willing to sell your soul to the devil," the being rasped. Then he cleared his throat and took a drink of water. When he spoke again, his voice was much clearer. "Idiot."

The devil sounded familiar, but Allen nodded anyways.

"So what do you want, idiot?" the devil sighed. From what Allen could see, the shadow figure was sitting back on a couch with two women beside him.

"Allen, is that your master?" Lavi asked quietly.

"Don't be silly, Lavi," Allen smiled at his friend. "I know I said my master was the devil incarnate, but he can't _actually_ be a demon." He turned back to the mirror, where the figure coughed nervously into his elbow. Allen wondered if the devil could get sick. "Speaking of my master," he started to catch the figure's attention, "in exchange for my soul, I want you to keep him away from me."

The devil was silent for a few moments, swishing the wine in his glass around gently while he thought about Allen's request.

Eventually he nodded, and stood to find something. He came back with a paper, which he somehow handed to Allen through the mirror.

"If you sign that, you'll be free from Cross Marian," the devil put extra emphasis on Cross's name, "but _I'll_ be your master for the rest of eternity. You'll also receive immortality, a twenty-five dollar gift card for Target, a coupon for that pizza place nearby, and also a couple melons as a side. I can never seem to get rid of them, so help yourself. But," he pointed his finger at Allen, "you'll have to do whatever you say without complaints."

Allen had already signed the contract before the devil finished his warning. He had got him there, at the pizza coupon.

The devil was surprised that Allen hadn't figured out who he was yet, and let out a bark like laugh when Allen gave the paper back to him.

"There's also a small fee you have to pay," the devil snickered.

"How much?" Allen took out his wallet hurriedly.

The devil paused, unable to believe how dumb this kid was.

"Whatever you have on you, I guess," the devil shrugged. "I didn't really expect you-"

"Shut up and take my money!" Allen threw his wallet at Satan, who caught it on the other side. He opened it and sifted through it approvingly.

Once again, Lavi whispered his thoughts into Allen's ear.

"Allen, I _genuinely_ think that's General Cross on the other side," he looked at the mirror nervously.

"Lavi, he offered melons," Allen smiled at his friend's naivety. "Cross would never burden someone with those, unless General Socalo dropped off another crate in his room."

"Didn't you say General Socalo has been putting loads of melons in General Cross's room to scare him?" Lavi wasn't buying it, and Allen didn't know where he was going.

As if to prove Lavi's point, the devil abruptly stood to face someone else in the room.

"Socalo, get those damn melons out of my room!" he shouted at the other shadow figure in the background. Offended, the women got up to leave, and the devil was left all by himself with the melons. The devil let out a dejected sigh and sat back down, kicking the melons away from him. "Allen, you're starting your job tomorrow morning. Pack your bags and meet me outside your room at eleven."

The devil signed off and Allen stared at the mirror for a few moments, then decided to clean up the mess before Link woke up and realized what they were doing. Allen thought it was odd that the devil would want to meet him in person, but he kept quiet as they threw Chaozii's body out the window and scrubbed at the markings on the floor. He didn't care if he had to start work as a slave right away; it was better than having to deal with Cross.

...

As promised, Allen stood outside of his room with his luggage in hand. Link was behind him, recording his every movement into his journal. Allen shifted his weight onto one leg while he waited, and then to the other leg. Link wrote that down in his journal, and Allen told him to take a picture since it would last longer. Link followed up his suggestion, only he took ten. Then he started to scrapbook it into his notes.

At eleven, Cross showed up to grab Allen by the collar and drag him away.

"Master, what are you doing?" Allen demanded. "I'm waiting for someone!"

"Yeah, and here I am," Cross removed his black hat to reveal devil horns that protruded from his skull. "You sold your soul to me; now get to work."

Allen was confused.

"Wait, but the contract..."

"Agreed to keep you away from _Cross Marian_," he stressed to his apprentice. "But that's not really my name. So now not only did you fail to escape, you also sold your soul to me. Sucks to be you," Cross shrugged.

Allen bit his bottom lip to stop himself from crying. In the end, Lavi_ had_ been right about Allen's master literally being a demon. He should have listened to him, but he was used to shooting down any of Lavi's conspiracy theories that anything he said was immediately invalid.

"Do I at least get the pizza coupon?" he asked meekly. Cross dropped him in front of his room, opened the door and pointed to the stacks of melons sitting on his bed and couch.

"Get to work, idiot slave," he ordered. "Otherwise you sleep on the floor tonight."

Allen spun around just as Lavi materialized put of no where to make a perverted joke, but cut him off by punching him in the face.

"NO PERVERTED JOKES!" Allen shouted at his friend. "I'm sick of these sexual innuendos. I can't handle it anymore!"

"Bow-" Lavi began to say, but Allen stopped him by shoving him out of the room, locking the door so he couldn't get back in. Cross didn't seem to mind, but he looked nervous, what with being trapped in a room of melons. Allen opened the nearby window and started the toss the fruits outside. He watched as the first one landed on Kanda's helmet, splitting in half perfectly and falling to the ground. Kanda didn't notice and continued moving along on his Segway.

"So am I sleeping on the couch?" Allen inquired, ignoring the flashes in his face from Link's camera.

Cross rolled his eyes and answered sarcastically. "No, you sleep in the fucking closet."

"... Master, if that was sarcasm, you're not very good at it. You've made me sleep in the closet before, remember?" Allen frowned, unsure of whether he would be sleeping on the floor, or be trapped in the closet.

Cross scratched his head and sat down on his bed when Allen removed the melons.

"Yes, that was sarcasm," he clarified to his idiot. "Unless you want to pretend to be nine again and share a bed, yes, you're sleeping on the couch." He leaned back to relax while Allen got rid of the last of the melons. Allen didn't think this was too hard of a task, but if Socalo was determined, he would have to put up with this every day.

"I'll sleep on the couch," Allen rejected the idea. Then he glanced at it thoughtfully, recalling the scene from yesterday. "I'll have to sterilize it first, though. Who knows what you've done on there."

Cross wasn't put off by Allen's insinuation.

"The cleaning supplies are next to the dresser."

Allen did not deign to respond to that. Instead, he turned on the TV to have some noise on, because he didn't want to deal with his master's rambling.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Selling his soul to the devil in exchange for freedom from Cross...

Foiled: ... But not from the devil, who just so happens to be Cross.

Back to Link's scrapbooking. I think I might actually do something with that, but we'll see.


	53. Chapter 53

101 Attempts- Thanksgiving Chapter

Title: Bawk

A/N: Does anyone have the gravy? Oh, by the way- this is as serious as it gets. This was one of the earlier ones I wrote, before it turned into absolute crack- this one is like... 65% crack.

._.

"IDIOT ALLEN. IDIOT ALLEN," growled Timcanpy from under Cross's hat.

Cross looked up to the golden golem and sighed. Tim had been on about something or another for the past few hours, and he wouldn't shut up. Cross didn't know what an Allen was, but whatever Allen was, it was probably very stupid.

"APPRENTICE." Tim hit Cross on the head with his tail.

Remembering that stupid Allen was his stupid apprentice, Cross looked down to his side where the idiot was usually found. Nope, no idiot. Assuming Allen had run away and was never going to return, Cross continued in his search for beautiful women and wine. And Waldo, but that went unsaid.

_I will find you one day, Waldo._

The alcohol from earlier caused his head to buzz rather pleasantly. Cross enjoyed the warm feeling he got from drinking, but he also enjoyed the-

Stopping himself from finishing that sentence, Cross squeezed his eyes shut and changed direction. If he had gone any further, the story would have been rated M for mature. And Cross definitely wasn't mature, meaning he wouldn't be able to read it, but he _did _have a sexy face, so he was certain he would be allowed to read it regardless.

His narcissism prevented him from noticing Allen trying to catch up to him but failing. Allen fell behind and gave up on keeping up, instead choosing to walk away to the parade going on downtown. Tim watched Allen leave, and Cross watched himself in the mirror. Cross scratched his stubble, then nodded approvingly. Little did he know that the glass he used was a one-way window to a fertility center (1).

Confident that he did indeed look good, Cross shoved his hands into his pockets. It sure did feel good to look good. He pitied the poor dirty bastards out there that weren't him.

Noises from nearby drew his attention away from his thoughts. Stopping in his tracks, Cross listened from the direction of the disturbance. When he thought he pinpointed the source, Cross set off in that way without caring that he was jaywalking and setting a bad example for the younger generation. A couple cars crashed to avoid running him over when the probably should have (for a good cause: to prevent overcrowding in the skyrocketing population of the planet Earth) but Cross didn't look back at the disaster behind him.

He blasted a hole to get through a building he thought was the source of the noise, but stumbled across an illegal drug dealing. The dealers stopped what they were doing to stare at him, but Cross stood there and expected them all to drop to their knees and start worshipping him. When they didn't, he shot the ceiling like any other intruder would do as a warning shot.

Everyone in the room ducked for cover. _Close enough,_ he thought.

"You!" Cross pointed at a random unfortunate soul.

Random Unfortunate Soul looked up at Cross's request. The general kept his gun aimed at him, and made his request.

"Go make me a sandwich, bitch," Cross ordered.

"Yessir," Random Unfortunate Soul scurried off to do as told.

"NOW YOU!" Cross screamed at Random Unfortunate Soul #2.

"Yes?" Squeaked the cowering figure.

"Where is all that damn noise coming from?" Cross glared down at the man, stepping on his head as he extracted information.

"From the parade, sir," the man answered.

Cross blinked, but his glare returned and he knocked out Random Unfortunate Soul #2 just as the other came back with his sandwich. Moving to the other side of the room to see what this parade was about, Cross blew up the window to get a good view.

As the citizens outside moved to get out of the way (probably recognizing his greatness), Cross saw that there was, indeed, a parade.

To be specific, it was a parade for Thanksgiving, which was primarily celebrated in America. _This isn't America_, Cross thought with a frown, _this is Japan_!

_At least, I'm pretty sure that's where I am_.

Meanwhile, in another universe, there were Indians speaking Japanese in England. (2)

Bored with the intrusion and having finished his sandwich, Cross stepped outside onto the streets, resuming his every day life. Since it was a holiday, that meant drinking for the adults! Hopefully he would find some ladies at the bar; last time the "lady" had been a man in disguise, and Cross had been punched in the face.

Timcanpy flew in his face angrily, flapping his wings and trying to stop him from walking any further down the street. Cross glared at the golem and looked at what it was pointing at.

"What am I supposed to look at?" Cross yelled at the golden snitch. "Be more specific!"

"ALLEN," Timcanpy growled, baring his teeth at him. Cross stepped back before the golem could bite his face. "ALLEN BE SACRIFICED. TOWN SACRIFICE VIRGINS."

_Oh shit, I forgot about that brat, _Cross thought in a panic. _Man, Neah and Mana are going to be sooooo pissed off at me_.

With a second look at the floats, Cross saw that they were strangely themed and cursed himself for not noticing earlier. Timcanpy flew away and Cross followed him in a rush, and pushed his way to the front of the crowd to see his idiot apprentice at the front, knocked out cold and being carried by strangers amongst the other soon-to-be victims.

Thinking of how much he hated babysitting, Cross attacked Allen's kidnappers and shot at everyone until they all backed off and the crowd dispersed. The two strangers holding Allen tried to run off with the captive, but Cross shot them in the knees and lunged forward to catch Allen before he fell. While carrying Allen with one arm and his trusty Judgment in the other, Cross pointed his weapon at the people who had been about to kill his apprentice.

The bleeding woman looked up at him hatefully, but Cross's glare didn't waver. "Explain," he ordered in an icy cold tone. "What were you planning to do with the kid?"

"Why the f*ck should we tell you?" the woman coughed up blood following this, hacking up red onto the pavement below them. "The brat told us he was an orphan- he's not needed by anyone!"

Allen stirred to the shouting but didn't wake to hear that. Cross, angered by the citizen's words, didn't hesitate to finish her off. He pointed his gun at the other carrier, who'd tried to crawl away. In a mad rage, he shot the bastard in the foot.

"You people are sick," he spat at the pathetic figure.

_This is why I hate people._

"Who's in charge of this event?" Cross stepped down on the figure's hand, crushing it in the process.

"The Millennium E-Earl," came a terrified response.

No longer needed to interrogate these people, Cross finished the man off with a single bullet lodged into his forehead. Allen mumbled something under his breath and shifted. Cross looked down to his apprentice who had woken up at the wrong place and time, his mind coming up with bullshit excuses for the violence.

"Master, wha' happened," Allen yawned, rubbing his eyes.

Cross turned away and started to carry his idiot apprentice away to stop him from seeing at the people he'd just killed. Allen didn't need to think that his master was a drunk _and_ a psycho killer.

"You were in the parade," he lied. "Good job. I saw you on the float-" more lies "-and you waved. You definitely weren't knocked out to become a virgin sacrifice or anything like that. I mean, that's impossible since you've been living forty plus years or some shit. There's no way you can be a virgin, right?" Cross went off, mentally kicking himself for going on.

"What's a virgin?" Allen asked.

"Not me," Cross answered but without thinking.

"Am I a virgin?"

Cross stopped in front of a building and leaned against the brick wall, mentally kicking at and shooting himself for speaking. Doubting Allen would ever remember this if he got his memories back, he said what was on his mind anyways.

"Actually, you probably are," he shook his head. "I can't see you doing _that_."

"What's _that_?" Allen didn't care that his master hadn't put him down yet, dangling in the air while looking up expectantly for an answer he could understand.

"I'm not giving you The Talk," Cross grimaced at the thought of having to explain the birds and the bees.

_I'm going to leave that one for Neah to do_.

"Now shut up," Cross told his apprentice. "I'm tired."

_The first chance I get, I'm _so_ going to kick the Earl's fat ass. Bastard has it coming._

And years later, Cross did just that.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Ditching Cross to go to the parade

Foiled by: Being caught and almost sacrificed

(1) OH MY GOD. I used to do that when I was little on the bus ride home. Me and me friends thought it was just glass (we didn't know about one-way) and then we made faces in the mirror whenever our bus passed the building. WE DIDN'T KNOW, I SWEAR! Dx My gosh, there were probably women giving birth in that building and then they see these kids making faces at them... o.o

Sorry. Had to get that off my chest, because I just learned what that building was.

(2) That was a Black Butler reference ;)

Happy thanksgiving ^^


	54. Chapter 54

101 Attempts- Another melon.

Title: … Great.

A/N: This chapter is based on the journal chapter.

._.

"Oi, idiot apprentice!"

Allen groaned and turned around from where he sat, seated in the library with Link. He gave his master an exasperated expression and felt his good mood from earlier further sink. The redheaded general kicked Link out of his chair and sat down in the stolen seat, scooting his chair over to sit closer to his pupil.

"Allen, I need you to do me a favor," Cross requested. Allen sighed tiredly, not wanting to put up with his master so early. He had had a decent day so far, but now that his master had found him it was sure to go downhill.

Recently, Cross hadn't bothered Allen as much, and Allen woke up that morning by himself for once. It was nice, being able to sleep in. He had even gotten around to taking care of the massive piles of paperwork he was assigned, fed the starving children in Africa, gave jobs to the jobless and homes to the homeless, but now that his master was around it was all bound to be for naught.

Just before his master had interrupted them, he had been in the middle of a good book. Knowing he wouldn't be able to continue any time soon, he put his book marker between the pages and closed it reluctantly. He turned to face his master, because until he left, Allen was stuck with him.

"What do you need?" Allen asked with a frown. After all, it was odd for his master to come to him for anything other than money.

"General Socalo put a melon in my room," Cross started to explain. He gave the door a nervous glance and they spotted said man slink back into the shadows while laughing to himself sinisterly. The librarian hissed a "shh!" at the two generals. Cross winced and lowered his voice. "I need you to get rid of it."

"… Why would he do that?" What was this, preschool bullying? Allen pinched the bridge of his nose as his master shifted uncomfortably.

"He knows that I go to you whenever that happens," Cross whispered, glancing back and forth between Allen and the door. "He thinks that if I bother you too much, you'll hate me-" _too late for that_, Allen thought "- and you'll be his apprentice instead."

"So he's still on about that," Allen murmured to himself. Cross waited for his response, and the white-haired exorcist nodded. "Well, I don't want you anywhere nearby me, so I'll help you out. It's just one melon, right?" He folded his arms while his master shook his head in the negative.

"He left a note saying that he would come back with more." Cross mirrored Allen's frown, and produced said note from his pocket to show it to his apprentice. "He even told me how many he would put in my room."

"…"

Allen stood from his seat and re-read the note to confirm what he had just seen. If he _really _wanted to escape his master, he had to give his master somewhere to go when Allen ditched him. Maybe then he would be able to get back to that book.

But he doubted it.

…

"Is this your room?"

Minutes later they arrived at a door blocked with chairs to prevent entry. Cross nodded and Allen spotted a note on the ground. He picked it up and scanned it, then panicked when Cross looked over his shoulder to see what it read.

"FUCK," Cross swore loudly. He threw the chairs to the side and swung his door open, but melons came tumbling out to trample them. Cross dodged the fruits and they flooded out to crush Allen instead. The white-haired exorcist was knocked over, but thankfully wasn't hurt (too much). Cross stared at him worriedly, but after he was certain that Allen would live, he stepped over the melons to get inside.

The sounds of drawers opening and Cross cursing was enough to make Allen bother get back up. He pushed the melons off of him, then stood from the floor as his master stormed out of his room. The general was carrying several suitcases and Allen watched him kick the fruits to the side as he passed.

"I'm never going back in there," Cross announced at that moment. "Allen, I'm moving into your room!"

_Go ahead, you spend every moment of your day in there anyways..._

Allen tried to protest against this decision, but was wordless as his master left him behind. Link arrived at the scene, but didn't question the mess that had spilled out of the general's room. He stood there and began to count the melons as part of his "investigation," not asking why they were there to begin with. Sadly, he was used to seeing strange things.

A snort of amusement drew his attention to the side, where he spotted none other than the culprit himself. General Socalo appeared from behind one of the support columns, ready to burst out into a laughing fit. Allen glared and approached the Mexican general, giving him a disapproving look as he put his hands on his hips to show how angry he was.

"Socalo-nii-sama," Allen stressed each syllable. Despite his anger, the nickname from long ago wasn't forgotten. Socalo stopped snickering at the name and pretended he hadn't heard that, embarrassed to hear such an affectionate term applied to him in public. "What do you think you're doing?"

Socalo's amusement died off. "Nothing, runt."

Allen narrowed his eyes.

"Nii-sama," he hissed in a low tone so that the passing by staff didn't hear their conversation. Link leaned in to record everything they were saying, but they ignored the inspector. The general shoved him away, and Link was sent flying into the wall. Allen pretended not to see the act of violence. "Please don't do that! It's stressful."

Socalo shrugged and shook his head, shifting in place as he looked down at his somewhat-adopted-apprentice. "Nah. Sorry brat, but that's what he gets for cheating at rock-paper-scissors."

"It was just a game!" Allen exclaimed with a low hiss. He stood on the tips of his toes, glaring at the man he had once thought to be mature. "I know you don't like to lose, but this is just plain childish. You and Cross are acting like preschoolers," he complained, pointing at the melons for emphasis.

"No we're not," Socalo denied. He then shoved the melons back inside the room, contradicting his claim.

"… You know, it's a surprise my face palms haven't sent me into outer space yet," Allen commented as Socalo left to place the melons in "strategic" places. Like on Cross's bed, or in his closet. Places that Cross needed to get to and wouldn't be able to avoid just because there was a melon there.

Although, Cross had already said that he was moving out, so Allen didn't see what that would do.

"Wait, if you actually do that, would we have to call for NASA to get you back?" * Socalo pondered aloud.

"I guess?" Allen didn't know about that.

"Anyways," Socalo switched the subject. "Expect to see a couple melons in your room. Like, all over the floor so he has no where to sleep."

"That won't work," Allen told the Mexican general. "He'll take over my bed, and he'll just bug me all night."

Suddenly, Lavi appeared out of no where, stopping before Allen and panting as if he had rushed from the top of the building to where they were, near the bottom. He probably had, but Allen didn't question this as Lavi regained his breath.

"Allen-" he wheezed, coughing into his elbow and leaning onto Allen for support. He took a deep breath and calmed himself, clearing his throat but still out of energy. That didn't prevent him from finishing what he wanted to say, though. "I know-" he coughed "-I can tell you what else can take over your bed. Bow chicka bow wow." **

Surprised and put off by his friend's behavior, Allen shoved Lavi away from him and moved to stand beside Socalo.

"Lavi, that was disgusting," he complained.

Lavi didn't care.

"And you know what else will bug you all night?" he gave Allen a lopsided grin. Allen glared warningly, daring him to say it.

Lavi didn't say it, much Allen's relief, but the bookman junior gave Allen a smug look before parting. Having been silent during the exchange, Socalo turned to Allen to speak.

"Do you deal with that all day?" Socalo questioned the teen.

"Unfortunately," Allen sighed. "With my master, it's only ten times worse."

"Seriously, runt," Socalo pulled Allen to the side to speak privately. "Have you considered leaving your master? Because we could cause so much destruction, go on an epic killing spree, and then set the world on fire. It would be fucking awesome. It would be one gigantic bloodbath of death. Fucking _epic_." His lips twitched at the thought of the chaos he envisioned in his head.

Allen forced a weak smile and nodded slightly.

"I'll think about it."

And by "think about it," Allen meant "maybe," which in Asian culture meant "no."

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Getting rid of Cross, starting with giving him somewhere to leave to, so Allen can escape with ease.

Foiled by: General Socalo putting melons in Cross's room

*A conversation I had with my friend. I make her face palm a lot, and when we got past triple face palms, I asked that if she ever face palmed into outer space if I should call for NASA, or get a really tall ladder and give her a fishbowl.

** A phrase used after perverted stuff. It's known to be used in the web series, Red vs. Blue. I was pretty surprised when I heard them use it, because I thought no one but me actually said that O.o

You know, if the actual Cross Marian read this, I bet he would get so pissed off at me that he would actually hunt me down. I make him look like an extreme idiot in this 101 series, but if anyone asks, it was worth it.


	55. Chapter 55

101 Attempts – Tea

Title: There's A Reason Why He Doesn't Drink Tea Anymore

A/N: So I noticed that tea is popular in Japan (especially in anime o_e ). Then I remembered that I always have Cross drinking coffee (he seems more like a coffee drinker, sorry :P ) and decided to give him some sort of hatred towards tea.

._.

Cross hated having to contact the Order.

It wasn't because he hated the Black Order in general, or because he was too lazy to bother.

Well, actually, there was that too, but that wasn't the main reason. The reason why he didn't enjoy contacting his work place was because of the _method_ of contacting them. Since he didn't want his location to be discovered, he refused to go in person or use a phone. His only option was to write a letter, mail it and hope that it would be eventually discovered. Writing a letter, however, involved writing materials.

Yes.

Writing materials.

Pens, pencils, mechanical pencils, crayons, and sometimes even lipstick were used for writing, and Cross hated them all. They had a tendency to break when he tried to write anything. From letters to phone numbers, anything he tried to write would be cut off mid sentence by either a snap in two, or an object flying out the window. Or at his face. One time, a pencil had caused him to stab out his right eye.

Yeah, that had hurt.

Like, a lot.

Cross sighed and remembered to put his mask on. That pencil sure had left quite the scar. He looked down at his paper to see that he hadn't even started, and then realized that he forgot what he was supposed to write. Cross face palmed and banged his head against the desk, accidently breaking his glasses in the process.

"Son of a bit-" he started to swear, but a timid knock on the door drew his attention from the blank sheet of paper. He sat up on his chair and brushed the broken pieces of glass into the garbage, then cleared his throat. "Come in."

_I hope I didn't just invite an assassin inside_, he thought as the knob turned. There had been a lot of those recently. Whenever he interrogated them, they claimed to have been hired by a little boy and his golden snitch.

While that sounded somewhat familiar, he was pretty sure golden snitches didn't exist in this universe. Actually, he was pretty sure that was Harry Potter. So he labeled them all as delusional and killed them. He wondered if the neighbors had to deal with this.

The door creaked open and in peaked the little face of his apprentice.

"Master?"

_Oh thank God it's just Allen. I wasn't sure if I could handle another assassin. Need my glasses to do that. _Cross sighed in relief with this thought when he saw his apprentice standing in the doorway. He motioned for the nine-year-old boy to come closer (since he could barely see without his glasses).

When Allen was but feet away (and less blurry), Cross noticed that he was carrying a tray with a cup of tea and a small snack. The general blinked but accepted the offered tray with a small smile while Allen explained.

"You haven't left your room for a whole day," Allen told him quietly, wide eyes making contact with his as he shifted slightly in spot. He folded his hands behind his back and shifted his weight onto one foot almost nervously. "Tim and I got worried when you didn't even leave for your alcohol."

Cross set the tray on his desk and glanced at the blank sheet. If what Allen said was true, then that meant he had been staring at this paper for a long time. How the hell had he not written anything?

As Allen was about to go back to whatever he had been doing, Cross reached out and put his hand on his shoulder to keep him from going. Allen turned around a bit nervously, like he wanted to leave as soon as possible.

"Are you doing anything?" Cross asked.

Allen shook his head.

"Okay, good, then why don't you sit down with me?" Cross really didn't want to write the damn letter. Besides, what harm could a little quality time bring? After stalking Allen and Mana for about two years plus, he didn't know much about the kid. That was most likely because he had no notes to refer to. Because, you know, pens and pencils and the like. They didn't work for him.

The boy gave him a suspicious look, but agreed anyways.

"I'll go get my cup," he quickly excused himself.

A minute later Allen came back and sat down on the edge of Cross's bed, with his teacup cradled in his hands. Timcanpy followed in after, but instead of landing on Cross's head, the golem settled for sitting on Allen's shoulder. Cross took a sip from his cup and raised an eyebrow when Allen refused to look at Tim, who was staring at Cross.

The golem seemed to be glaring at him for some reason, but the general wasn't even sure if that was possible. He definitely felt a murderous intent radiating from Tim. So they sat there rather awkwardly in silence until Cross finished his tea.

"We poisoned it," Allen blurted out.

Cross dropped his teacup in shock.

"… What?" Cross couldn't believe what he had just heard. "Can you repeat that?"

Timcanpy hit Allen on the head and bit his face violently. Allen's eyes began to tear up but he didn't resist Tim's attacks.

"We poisoned your tea," Allen quietly repeated for the dumbfounded general. "Tim told me to escape from you, and said he would help me."

Betrayed, Cross glared at the golden golem.

"What are trying to do, Tim?" he shouted at the golem. He grabbed it by the tail and shot up from his seat, dangling Tim in the air while Allen seemed to shrink below. "The hell?" he shook Timcanpy angrily, and he could swear he was feeling whatever drug they had used on him taking effect. "And since when can you _TALK?_"

"Allen not your bitch," Timcanpy snarled and bit Cross's finger. The general cursed, accidently releasing the homicidal golem. "Allen my bitch." Tim fluttered back over to Allen to torment him. Then he added, "F*ck you."

"Sorry, master," Allen apologized sincerely, "but Tim said he would rape me if I didn't do what he said."

Cross nodded understandingly. "I'm not sure if that's even physically possible, so I wouldn't worry about that." Despite the fact Allen had poisoned him, Cross sat down next to him and pat the kid on the head. Then he added, "Unless someone decides to write a weird fanfiction about you. Which they might."

Allen eyed the golem warily.

"At least, I don't _think _it's possible," Cross corrected himself and scratched the back of his head. "So, since I'm going to die-"

Allen collapsed halfway through his sentence and fell to the floor, letting go of his teacup in the process. Brown liquid spilled onto the carpet that would surely create a stain (not with OxiClean, though). Alarmed but not concerned about the carpeting, Cross knelt down beside his apprentice to take his pulse. He was still breathing, but Cross was worried that Allen's tea had also been tainted.

"Poison no kill," Tim snarled. "Poison just knock out."

"What are you, a caveman?" Cross demanded, angrily grabbing the idiot golem.

Tim hit Cross on the head with his tail.

"Poison whole batch," Tim continued to snarl. "Bitch took tea. Told bitch not to."

Cross wasn't given the chance to respond, because the poison took over and knocked him out. But when he woke up, Tim and Allen were SO dead.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Timcanpy tries to help Allen escape by poisoning Cross.

Foiled by: Tim failed to tell Allen the whole batch was poisoned.

FAIL.

Alright, I'm really sorry for not answering your reviews in a long time. I only go on the computer once a week for the weekly updates (always Monday) so I don't get to do much. And when I'm on, I forget to log onto Fanfiction to answer your comments. I'll get to that eventually (hopefully) but thank you for all of your support. I doubt I would have made it this far if it weren't for you guys :)

(Which is why I love you guys)

...

(but shhh, don't tell the other readers)

(They might get jealous)

(but I love you guys the most)

(I love my regular readers too. You guys are beautiful)

(Everyone here is beautiful. Especially on the inside. The outside doesn't matter)

(Being beautiful on the outside helps too though)

(But we're all beautiful. No matter what you say, you are beautiful)

(unless you're super ugly on the inside, which by default makes you ugly outside and inside)

(but we're all beautiful here. every one of you)

- Whispers: Have a nice day ;) -


	56. Chapter 56

101 attempts- Dancing

Title: But I don't feel like it…

A/N: No sir, no dancin' today.

._.

"Aren't you going to dance, master?"

Nine-year-old Allen Walker approached his master, Cross Marian, as he saw that his master was being what people called a "wallflower." This behavior wasn't normal coming from Cross, who always took whatever chance he could to socialize with women. Even Allen was being more social than Cross at this point, and he was the quiet one! Something was up, and Allen wanted to know what that was.

Cross only stared longingly at the group across the ballroom, and sighed as he took a sip from his glass of wine. Cross's free hand shoved itself into his suit's pocket and the man shifted in spot, leaning back against the wall while he observed the group. Allen wondered if Cross saw some acquaintance and wanted to talk but felt too awkward. Because his master was definitely awkward (in his own way).

Concerned about the extra-awkward, Allen tugged on his master's sleeve even though Cross had told him before not to touch him. Finally, Cross snapped out of whatever world he had been in, and looked down to his apprentice with a blank face. While this was more like his master, Allen was still worried.

"Master?" Allen repeated after a long silence. "Are you okay?"

His master gave the group a glance before returning his gaze to his apprentice. Cross finished his wine glass quickly and handed it to some servant, then pulled Allen aside to speak privately. Cross took Allen's wrist and dragged him along despite Allen not wanting to go anywhere.

When they were away from the crowd and on the balcony, alone, Allen was close to jumping off the edge and running away. Cross knelt down to Allen's height to look him in the eyes, placing his strong hands on Allen's small shoulders. To say Allen was intimidated was an understatement.

Cross was straight to the point in telling Allen what he wanted. "Let's dance."

And Allen was straight to the point in telling his master that he didn't want that.

"No," Allen denied Cross a bonding moment.

Dissatisfied with Allen's response, Cross stood and took Allen's little hands, lifting him up so Allen's small feet stood on his shoes.

"Come on," Cross urged his apprentice to say otherwise. "Just one dance? The others were doing it back in there…"

A light bulb went off in Allen's head at that. "So that's why you were staring at those people!" he exclaimed. "Master, if you want to dance, there are plenty of women out there…"

Allen's suggestion was cut off by Cross shaking his head.

"I know, but…" he trailed off to search for the right words. "I've always wanted a kid of my own, but I've been busy."

Busy getting…

Allen didn't dare to finish that sentence in his head. Gross.

"I mean, master and apprentice?" Cross shrugged and started to dance without Allen's consent. "Close enough. We're not really related by blood, but I'm still your guardian. I think. Actually, I'm pretty sure I kidnapped you. I don't know if I had your consent; you never stated whether or not if you wanted to come with me. Did you?" Allen wasn't given the chance to respond. "Well, that doesn't matter. I can't exactly go back in time and do anything about it."

As his master went on, Allen tried to free himself. He tried to pull away, but no matter what he did, Cross wouldn't let go of Allen's hands. The man's grip was really strong- it was like he was glued to him!

After checking their hands, he saw that yes, he was indeed glued to his master.

Cross continued to talk about family matters. "I've always wanted a kid to have tender moments with. And since we're already sort of close…" Close in the sense that they insulted each other with each chance they got. "Maybe we could… have a moment?"

Allen froze in shock, surprised that his master was asking this of him.

"I don't think that's a good idea," he blurted out loud, "I'm a lesbian. And you're too old! I'm pretty sure I'm nine years old and you're fifty, but with the way the manga is going I'm not so sure anymore! And also, I'm a boy! And I hate you!"

Using Cross's shock and confusion to his advantage, Allen tore his hands off of Cross's. He freed himself from the super glue, turned around...

…and tried to jump off the balcony.

Cross rolled his eyes and caught Allen before he fell. He brought Allen back up and set him back on his feet. To make sure Allen didn't run away, Cross promised candy later. Like an idiot, Allen believed him and agreed to dance.

_Only for the candy, though,_ he told himself.

He never got that candy afterwards.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Getting away from dancing with Cross

Foiled by: Cross bribes Allen with candy

Sometimes parents will let their children dance with them, but by letting the child stand on the parent's feet :3 I got to see this recently, and I was so moved that I made this xD

One of these days I will use gizoogle translation on one of my chapters. Just an ordinary escape attempt, modified by gizoogle. I want to see what happens. -snickers-

And I ain't talking about chicken an' gravy, biatch.

(I would highly recommend taking a wiki page and translating it with gizoogle)


	57. Chapter 57

101 Attempts – Greetings

Title: It's Normal Over There…

A/N: Warnings for extreme Mama!Cross

._.

Cross was very suspicious.

Why?

Allen was off on his own for once, having demanded "me time" and proceeded to storm out of their shared hotel room. Allen's sudden possession of any free will had surprised Cross, so he had kept quiet about the matter and followed Allen around instead of straight up asking what the hell his problem was.

The white-haired brat entered some dark alley and headed down to the heavy metal door at the end. Cross changed his position on the rooftops so he could get a better view of his idiot apprentice.

He watched as Allen knocked on the door and shifted in spot while he waited. Allen seemed nervous, even more so when the door open.

Being ignorant in this area's customs, Cross reacted poorly when he saw his apprentice being kissed on the cheek, and then the idiot returning the gesture that was obviously friendly. His hair set on fire from the anger that he was radiating, but Cross didn't bother putting it out. He was so angry that he nearly took out Judgment to shoot that bastard who had just "hit on" his apprentice.

Cross jumped up when Allen entered the building, and wasn't sure whether he should follow Allen inside, break in to kill everyone, or wait for further information. He didn't know what to do, but he felt the need to express his anger through violence.

_Anyways… I didn't know Allen was on that side of the fence. _Cross glared at the cameras filming them from nearby. _I'll bet this is FanFiction's fault. I should find those yaoi writers and kill them._

When Allen came out, he was carrying a small bag and a couple papers. The moment the door closed, Cross jumped down from his spot to ambush his idiot apprentice.

"_IDIOT!" _Cross roared and tackled Allen to the ground. Allen shouted in surprise at nearly being crushed, but his anger was drowned out by Cross's more intense rage. Allen quieted down into his meek self and waited for his master to get off of him. Eventually Cross realized their position was awkward and he wasn't going to have any of that fan service shit, so he got off.

Allen sat up and let his master go first.

"What are you doing?" Cross demanded.

"I-"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING," Cross repeated in a louder voice. "AND WHY DID YOU KISS EARLIER?"

"Master," Allen tried not to shy away from his master's shouting. "You need to turn off the caps lock."

Cross blinked, looked at his keyboard and saw the green light lit up. He pressed the button and turned off caps lock. He felt better instantly, but he was still angry that his idiot apprentice was sneaking off and doing things without his permission.

Allen cleared his throat to speak, but Cross thought he was choking so he did the Heimlich maneuver on him. Tim hit Allen on the head while thinking that would somehow save Allen from "dying" and even bit Allen's face. Allen looked like he wanted to cry, so Cross took out a tissue for Allen to blot his face.

"… thank you," Allen sniffed pathetically.

"NOW EXPLAIN!"

Allen flinched at his master's booming loud voice. "Okay, okay!" he took a deep breath and settled back down. "So the kiss- that was a European greeting, but I guess you wouldn't know. You're not… Europe-y. " Allen shrugged. "I went to go get a false ID so I could run away from you. I guess I'll have to try again a different day now."

Cross appreciated that his apprentice had at least told the truth to him, but he was still angry.

"Allen, I'm angry," he admitted. "Distract me so I don't kill something with Judgment."

With lives on the line, Allen chose to calm his master down by doing yoga. Cross started to laugh at him, but got bored after a while.

Meanwhile, people passed by the front of the alley like they didn't care that there was some random kid doing yoga in front of a possibly drunk man. A teenager on crack stopped to point and shouted "stripper!" but no one cared. The guy left since he wasn't given any reaction.

"Got anything else?" Cross was itching to go on a mad rampage and kill everyone in town. That was always fun.

"Uhh- uhmm…" the boy bit down on his bottom lip, but his eyes lit up when an idea came to mind. "I can run away from you!"

Then Allen stood up and dashed out of the alley, leaving Cross all by himself. Cross stared after and took out the remote he always kept with him. In times like these…

"Oh God WHY!" came Allen's pathetic screaming voice.

Cross put the remote away and snickered to himself when Allen shuffled back into the alley. The kid looked like he had just been in an explosion (which he had) but Cross didn't care; it was too damn funny. For some reason.

"You forgot your false ID," Cross told the idiot.

Allen started to cry.

"You do a lot of that," Cross commented while he looked through the papers Allen had come out with earlier. Nothing interesting. He peeked into the small bag and said, "What the hell is this?"

Allen cried harder.

"ALLEN! ANSWER ME!" Cross accidently turned on his caps lock. "ALLEN!"

Allen scooted over to the corner to curl up and die.

"ALLEN. WHAT THE HELL? ANSWER ME!"

Naturally, Allen didn't bother.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Talking to the "businessman" and getting a false ID

Foiled by: Cross seeing the European greeting

I'm really happy right now ^^ I managed to write three chapters in one day :D

Also, I learned today that there is such thing as a 7-up cake. It's like a lemon cake, only 7 up soda.


	58. Chapter 58

101 Attempts- 2nd Sneaking attempt

Title: It didn't work the first time, why would it work a second?

A/N: I will love you forever if you catch the references in here.

Warning for long chapter and clawfoot bathtubs. And a bunch of shit that doesn't make sense.

._.

Towering over the eleven-year-old form of Allen Walker was a tall, white, and solid object that prevented him from reaching his destination. He wasn't quite sure what this thing was doing here, but he suspected that his guardian had put it there to stop him from walking out the door and to freedom.

Curse his custodian! He knew that Allen was just about the most pathetic little boy around and was incapable of lifting heavy objects. Despite his guardian rudely exploiting this fact with his random placement of refrigerators, Allen kept his thoughts to himself since he was certain his master would be able to hear it anyways. The guy was just sort of weird like that.

Since standing around in front of this gigantic refrigerator- seriously, where did he _get_ all of them?- would accomplish nothing, Allen chose to walk away from the door leading to the exit. There was no getting around that accursed obstacle and he wasn't about to try moving it, which would _surely_ alert someone and thwart his attempt to escape.

They were currently staying in some manor of one of their supporters in India, but while his master could have stayed in any room he wanted, he chose to stay in the one that just so happened to be attached to Allen's. That man was one sneaky son of a gun. He claimed he was sleeping there because he wanted to be away from the servants and that this side of the manor was quieter, but Allen suspected that he was just trying to get on his good side again.

Speaking of which, his master, Cross Marian, was currently doing a crappy job with that. If he wanted money or alcohol or women, all he needed to do was ask him because Allen would be happy to get any of those things (or in the last case, people) as that would mean his master leaving him alone. Not to mention that making Cross happy made Allen happy, but Allen thought that should be a given that only women would be able to pick up on because of their intuitive nature. The male readers were on their own.

Anyways. The only reasons that Cross was on Allen's bad side was because one, the refrigerators, and two, he never let Allen outside because he claimed there were assassins out there to get them. In all of the time Allen had known Cross, there had never been a single assassin who'd tried to get them. Honestly, Allen thought he was being kept inside because Cross was embarrassed of him or something.

Now, Allen could take insults from people. He was used to being hated and rejected, but to try and shield him from that- or to treat him as though he were a freak of nature that needed to be hidden- was about just as bad. It created some nasty interactions between them, and Cross could definitely sense Allen's hostility. With this hostility present, he tried to "fix things" which led them back to where they started: with Cross putting refrigerators all over the place to "protect" him from the outside world. Upon realizing what he'd just thought, he realized how ridiculous their relationship was.

Oh well.

Allen continued to wander around while searching for an exit. He avoided being seen by the servants, as his custodian had asked that Allen be watched over in his absence. Knowing their patron, that meant that the servants would be on guard 24/7, working even when they could be on break. The servants employed here were loyal to their boss like that.

Quietly, he slipped into the lobby and with a quick scan, he saw that the only servant was going up the stairs and unaware of his presence. When the worker was out of sight, Allen made a dash for the double doors just meters away. If he could get out these doors and make it to the gate, maybe he could hop over it and run off of the estate!

Just before his hand could reach the handles, there was a white flash in front of him and Allen immediately jumped back before the object could crush him. The first thing he noticed about the white object were the colorful letters attached to it, forming the words **"hai thar."**

Allen didn't know what that was supposed to mean.

He looked behind him and saw the same person from before retreat into the hallways. He narrowed his eyes after the perpetrator and kept his thoughts to himself, though he wanted nothing more than to go after the servant who'd somehow managed to drop the heavy appliance in front of him.

Sometimes he wondered if these servants were even human. They were super strong and super fast, but those traits were just about applicable to nearly everyone he had met. Once again Allen was marked as the odd one out. Hopefully one day he would be just as cool as everyone else.

Until then, all he wanted was to go out into town and socialize a bit. Playing with the servants here was fun and all, and sure there were a bunch of odd foreign toys he could play with, but he'd been inside for the past month and he wanted out.

As he wasn't doing anything better at the moment though, Allen rearranged the colorful letters on the refrigerator.

"**Sup mah homie**"

Then he turned away from the oddly-placed home appliance. There was nothing else more to do here but check in later to see if it had been moved. Surely the inhabitants of this estate would need this door to get in and out; unless they were all magical fairies and could appear out of thin air. That would certainly explain many things, but then raise more questions about what sort of world he was living in. It was strange enough as it already was.

_I suppose I should try the backdoor next,_ he thought with a tired sigh. He knew that somewhere one of the servants was watching him from the shadows (or from wherever) and was careful about choosing his path. He thought it'd be better for him to stay on this floor since the servants did strange things like hiding in trees and clinging to the top of ceilings. It certainly kept Allen on edge and helped him to expect the unexpected.

He snuck around the corner and into the hallway from which he'd come. He kept an eye out for any servants- probably looking at him from within the bushes outside of the windows here and there- and tiptoed over to the nearest room. The first door he saw was just a little down the way and to the right. With a glance over his shoulder and further down the hallway, he made sure that no one was around before making a beeline for his target.

Just as Allen dashed into the room and to safety, the door slammed shut behind him. Startled, he whipped his head around to see if another refrigerator had been put in place. There wasn't one behind him, but he opened the door and was greeted with white, and then the colorful (but taunting) letters hung up on the door of the appliance.

"**You a bro?**" it read with a smiley face at the end.

Seriously! These people were mocking him. It was cruel and unjust. Allen scowled the message and created a new message.

"**Hell. **

**F*cking.**

**Yes."**

Of course he was a bro. What else would he be? He nodded in satisfaction at his work and backed away to admire the rainbow-colored message arranged in a neat line with the extra letters floating around them like the unwanted parts of a soup brushed away to the sides so the better part could be eaten by itself save the broth.

That was such a weird comparison. Nevermind.

Since Allen knew that some of the audience would be unable to understand these obscure references, he ceased these jokes immediately. It wasn't funny unless everyone knew what he was thinking about. For some reason. It could always be funny to just him or a small group of people, and everyone else could be left out, but Allen decided to be nice by explaining the abrupt end of the references by breaking the fourth wall.

The readers rolled their eyes and continued to scroll down the page.

The refrigerator that blocked his path forced him to take drastic measures. Allen didn't have any desire to stick around and pass the time by breaking the fourth wall and telling lame jokes, but he simply couldn't move this accursed kitchen appliance.

So, he did the next best thing.

He made an overly dramatic leap out the open window and crashed into the plants outside before anyone had the chance to put another fridge in his way.

There wasn't anyone outside, thankfully, though Allen didn't doubt that he would have workers chasing after him for this. At least the window hadn't been closed, in which case his action would have been less dramatic as he'd be required to open the window and lose time, possibly ending up with another contraption in his face.

The gate surrounding the estate was quite the distance away but easy to pass by. The iron bars stood only a few feet tall and with gaps in between. His only worry was the pointed top, but he could hop over that without a problem. All he had to do was to make it from point A to point B.

It was a shame he wasn't the fastest person around, but his training with his guardian was enough for him to be able to reach the gate untouched. In a rush, he accidently tore the material of his black pants and cut himself on the sharp edge. He winced but forced himself to the other side, then ignored the blood that rose up to the surface of his skin and started to trickle down his thigh.

As he ran from the estate, he could only think of how disgusting it felt to have the blood going down his leg. The next message he left on any refrigerator was going to be this:

**Ew**.

For the longest time he was running down the long road and to wherever it was leading him. After about fifteen minutes the sight of tall buildings came into view and a smile spread across his face when he saw the busy marketplace and was hit with a breeze that carried pleasant spices throughout the city. He followed the strongest scent and slowed his pace to a stroll, forgetting about his injury while he wandered into the market.

Exotic fruits and colorful fabrics popped up at him from every side. He wasn't paying much attention to them though, because whatever he was smelling- this sweet, strong spice- was blocking out most of the other scents.

His wandering led him to a fruit stand after a while. He couldn't place where the aroma was coming from, but he decided to give up on it for now. He had plenty of time to explore and didn't want to spend all of his time chasing after one things. Plus, he was pretty hungry right now, even though he'd had refrigerators shoved in his face on every turn. He probably could have taken a snack from one of them.

He stopped in front of the random fruit stall when he realized that he neither spoke the language nor did he have any money.

Maybe this was why his guardian had wanted him to stay inside. But when Allen thought about it, Cross spoke English and Drunk, then a little level one Spanish, but that would do no good in India and he was wandering around by himself. He didn't have any money either- _like, ever_- so he figured he would be fine no matter what he did.

He chose to admire the produce instead. He didn't have the heart to steal; stealing was wrong (but that didn't stop his master).

He also chose not to be like his master.

Someone bumped into him from behind and Allen's first reaction was to apologize for being in the way. He turned around but had to stop himself from screaming when he saw who- or rather what- it was.

It was another refrigerator.

"**Brofist," **it said.

He immediately arranged whatever letters he could to make his message.

"**STOP STALKING ME!"**

He ran out of exclamation marks so he just used a bunch of number ones. Then he decided to get away from scene, even though chances were that the servants from the manor were most likely going to be walking beside him the entire time.

Even before he could start running, he bumped into something else and fell backwards. He was expecting to see another refrigerator (curse those household appliances) but was greeted with a familiar face. Or rather, the heavy uniform and then the mask that covered the face, but he was sure he'd gotten his point across.

"Hey, watch where the hell you're going, brat!" the man barked at him.

Allen only grinned up at the figure.

"Big Brother Socalo?" he got back up to his feet and gently tugged on the black and gold uniform of his custodian's rival.

The man had been close to moving on, but he looked down at the "brat" he had just knocked over, leaned in and blinked, then pulled Allen back up almost violently. The white haired boy squeaked in surprise, but kept quiet while the general continued to pull him along.

He wasn't sure where they were going, but he was at the very least certain that Socalo knew where he was headed. He seemed to be familiar with the streets so Allen wasn't about to complain, but he wished that the man would stop dragging him around as though he were a rag doll.

He was taken to a side of the market that was less innocent, so to say. The buildings became rundown and the townsfolk less friendly, some of them actually scowling at them.

Suddenly Allen felt that he should have stayed inside.

"I didn't expect to run into you here by yourself," Socalo commented as he made a sharp turn around a corner.

Allen was almost pulled into the corner of the brick building they'd turned around.

"I suppose I should have, though. All of the generals were called here because we think we may have a lead on the Heart," he made another turn and this time Allen's forehead smacked against the building, causing him to stumble. Socalo didn't notice. "You know, I honestly didn't think General Cross would take his work seriously."

Allen took this chance to ask a question that was in need of being answered.

"By any chance, have you had any run-ins with assassins?" he asked, remembering his guardian's serious attitude regarding the subject.

The general shrugged. "Yeah. They're not too hard to take out though."

_I didn't think he was actually serious about that, _Allen thought as Socalo listed the people he had killed off for trying to take him out. He didn't think that his master was actually concerned for his welfare; he always _assumed_ that it was all some part of an elaborate prank to mess with his head.

Above all things he'd decided to ignore about his master, he just had to choose to ignore his warnings about going outside because of assassins. Seriously- he had said some messed up stuff before, things about clawfoot bathtubs and fruits. Allen had thought his master was just plain losing it.

But the revelation of his master telling him the truth for once sent Allen into a form of shock. He couldn't believe this. He just couldn't believe it!

Maybe what his master said about wanting to protect him was true, then! Maybe what he'd claimed about caring about him, something he'd babbled about while drunk, _wasn't_ nonsense? That the melons really did kill his entire family? That one should never trust barrels or claw-footed bathtubs?

The thoughts distracted Allen from noticing the refrigerators that appeared out of nowhere. Socalo came to a stop at last and approached the household appliance, glancing around while the white-haired boy was having a crisis.

He frowned at the huge, white block and tapped on it. He moved around the refrigerator and pulled Allen with him, and noticed something odd about the already strange appliance.

"Allen, have these things been following you around?" Socalo used Allen's name instead of brat, which Allen normally would have picked up on had he not been in the middle of an over-dramatic revelation.

Lodged into the back of the refrigerator was a bullet. The general removed it from its spot and rotated it in his hand for inspection. He narrowed his eyes and scanned the area for any suspicious figures, his gaze passing over the tops of roofs for any snipers. He didn't take a second look anywhere; a failed assassin wouldn't be caught dead in the spot of his or her initial site.

Meanwhile, Allen was panicking because of his entire image of his master being turned around into something… something weird. Like a fatherly figure! Ewww!

Bad images of Cross in their first few days together flashed in his head. Allen shuddered as he remembered Cross feeding him soup.

No. BAD BRAIN. STOP. STUPID _STUPID_ _**STUPID **_BRAIN STOP-

Back to Socalo.

For some odd reason, his rival's pupil was pulling at his hair and rolling around on the floor screaming at the heavens to strike him down with lightning. Socalo pocketed the bullet and seeing as how Allen wasn't going to stop freaking out anytime soon, he picked up the brat and threw him over his shoulder like a sack of beaten up potatoes.

Or a sack of anything, really. Vegetables, presents, etcetera.

For a moment Socalo considered putting on a red and white suit and attaching a white beard to pretend to be Santa Claus. He had neither an outfit nor did he possess a white beard, so he cast that notion aside. It wasn't Christmas at any rate, and even if he did dress as the holiday figure, he would be ridiculed by his colleagues for acting outside the boundaries of his murderous, volatile, and tough-guy character. Because seriously, how ridiculous would it be for him to dress up as Santa?

It would be absolutely stupid and a waste of his time.

Socalo quickly pushed the entire matter to the back of his mind where it would never be able to resurface.

At last Allen had ceased with his nonsense, but it seemed that he was sleeping. Socalo didn't care too much that he was carrying around a sleeping brat, but with all these assassins and falling refrigerators, he knew that he would have to take the kid somewhere safer.

He took some time to look around for a decent place to leave the exorcist brat. While he was still sore about losing that game of rock-paper-scissors back in chapter twenty-one, he wasn't about to break the losing terms by trying to steal Cross's apprentice again. True, it would be like old times if he did, but he kept his promises. Right now wasn't a good time to stir up trouble anyways.

If they were going to find the Heart, then their rivalries needed to be forgotten until then. Meaning: no apprentice-stealing.

_Better leave him somewhere safe_, Socalo thought. _Now where to?..._

He supposed finding out where Allen was staying from none other than Cross would be a start. The man was his guardian and Socalo would assume they were traveling together, unless Cross had ditched him to run away from his debts. He'd apparently done it before. If that was the case and Cross was still doing that, he was going to yell at the man. Who in the right mind would make a kid travel by himself and pay off debts?

Cross Motherfucking Marian, that's who.

Speaking of that douchebag…

….

Four generals stood atop a tall building in the center of the heavily populated city to which they had been assigned. Each general had his (and her) own pair of binoculars, searching said city for suspicious activity. Regular level exorcists were scouting the city by foot, while finders accompanied them.

The generals had been standing there for the past few hours without many words said between them during that time. One of the original five generals had gone to get food for them, but he had been gone for longer than necessary, so they were beginning to suspect he had ditched them to find hookers or something. But that was to be expected more from the red-haired general known as Cross Marian, who was currently insisting that Socalo was actually off looking for "hos."

"I'm telling you, he probably just got lost- the city is big," Klaud Nine said calmly to the fuming general.

"And I'm telling _you!_" Cross snapped at the blonde woman with the monkey on her shoulder, "he's probably off looking for a ho!"

The still-alive General Kevin Yeegar put down his binoculars for the moment to give his colleague a disapproving look. Being (apparently!) the only one with social etiquette, he did not say a word concerning Cross's behavior and word choice, and only looked down at the man for using a derogatory word to describe women. Since glaring was also considered rude, he looked away and brought back up the binoculars to resume lookout.

Froi Tiedoll suddenly put up his hand.

"I see him! He's carrying a kid," he called out, "probably saved him from one of those crazy assassins or something. What a cute kid," and of course Tiedoll just had to add that last part.

Cross frowned and hurried over to where Tiedoll stood, making a face at the mention of his rival. "Boy or girl? How old? IS IT A HO?"

Tiedoll sighed.

"Boy, probably eleven or twelve, no he's not a ho," he answered in a dull tone, lowering his set of binoculars in exasperation.

Being the stubborn general that he was, Cross started to search for his rival to further scorn him. He didn't find him.

About fifteen minutes later, the trapdoor leading to the roof of the building they were staking out on opened and up came the person they had been previously discussing. With him came a bag of groceries from the market, which he set down first before getting up.

"Seriously, Socalo, what the hell have you he been-" but Cross cut himself short and his jaw dropped, face going pale as his hairs seemed to stand on end.

Socalo had brought the kid with him.

The other three generals didn't know why Cross was having such a bad reaction to this.

Really, they didn't understand a thing that drunkard did.

They didn't question it though.

"OH HELL TO THE _FUCK_ NO!" Cross exclaimed, and threw his own pair down to the ground, stomping on the device in a mad rage. He started to charge at his rival, but the three other generals abandoned their posts to hold him back.

Klaud Nine was the first to try and calm him down. "For Christ's sake, Marian, pull your shit together!"

Albeit her method wasn't very calming (or charming with her _language _taken into account) but Cross looked over his shoulder at the woman to answer.

Even though he hadn't calmed yet.

"FUCK NO!"

Socalo stood a safe distance away from the scene with the boy he had brought over, while Cross continued to spit out profanities at his rival. Everyone else was only trying to get him to be quiet so he wouldn't wake up the kid.

Cross's insane shouting just grew louder.

Socalo shrugged, not really caring, and took out a bag of chips. He sat down next to the kid and opened up the snack bag, reaching inside for the first chip.

"First," he taunted Cross, and took the first bite.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

Again with the pointless drama.

"Oh my god, someone shut him up," Klaud groaned in exasperation, "or knock him out. Can we knock him out?"

"SOCALO YOU DIRTY BASTARD!" Cross screamed. "ISN'T IT ENOUGH THAT YOU STOLE MY APPRENTICE?" The three generals accidently let go in surprise at this, and Cross tackled down the Mexican general angrily "I KNEW YOU WERE OUT LOOKING FOR A HO!"

This shouting woke up the boy, who was –according to Cross- an apprentice.

And a ho.

As Cross initiated a sissy-fight with his rival, the boy began to stretch and let out a single, tired yawn. He glanced once at the fighting pair nearby, but as though it were normal, he looked away as he stood.

With nothing else better to do, the three other generals approached the child. Tiedoll spoke first as he was used to dealing with children.

"Hey there little guy, what's your name?" he asked kindly, crouching down to the kid's level to make proper eye contact.

The boy was just about as strange as his master appearance-wise. He had short white hair, a red scar that ran down the left side of his face, silver eyes that sparkled with innocence, and a left arm that… _did_ have Innocence?

"Oh, you're a parasitic type," Klaud took an instant liking to the boy and crouched down next to Tiedoll to inspect the hand. "I am too. I mean, my monkey is. His name is Lau Jimin."

The monkey jumped onto the child's shoulder, knocking aside General Cross's golden golem and instantly became the most popular character in the 101 Attempt series, surpassing Kanda's Segway on the popularity poll by about six hundred votes.

"My name is Allen Walker," he offered his other hand to the nice lady. "Do you work with my master?" he gestured towards the red-haired idiot fighting with Socalo.

"Unfortunately," Yeegar answered with a glance at the idiot pair and shook the hand of the little boy. He said more while Allen exchanged greetings with the other two. "We've been searching for something for a whole month, but so far nothing has shown up."

"Oh, okay," Allen smiled, showing a spark of interest in the topic. "What are you looking for? Can I help?"

Cross heard this suggestion and made his thoughts very clear.

The comment was so rude and profane that it was removed from the story; Allen's ears covered, and made the generals force Cross to wash out his own mouth with soap.

His comment, filtered to the point where it only vaguely resembled the original comment, and written over by 4kids, was something like this:

"_No, I do not think you should do that. You might get hurt. I think you should return home right now, young lad. Make sure you start the kettle and make me a cup of tea. What was that? Sugar or no sugar? Of course I want sugar. What monster would drink their tea without sugar. You are silly. And if you would kindly make me a sandwich in the kitchen as well, that would be much appreciated. Also, go to your room and I will tuck you in later for bed_. _Remember, daddy loves you! Hugs and kisses_."

To get an idea of what Cross just said, look at the message and turn it into the most dirty, violent, and profane thing you possibly can.

Then, take that ten times worse and try it with Gizoogle. Maybe one of you will get it (1).

What's that you say?

You want me to stop breaking the fourth wall?

Well, if that's the case, I won't be writing anymore!

How about them apples?

You don't like apples? You prefer melons?

_Nuh-uh._

I'm definitely not continuing this now.

I can't believe you would choose melons above all fruits.

I'm out.

Definitely out.

And I'm not coming back!

Not even for next Christmas! Nor will I return for the New Year! Or Martin Luther King Junior Day! Or Valentines! Or Saint Patrick's! Or-

The characters and readers of the story got fed up with the writer's bullshit and hunted her down, then proceeded to lock her in the basement with only a computer and keyboard.

_(They didn't even leave her with any cookies to feed herself.)_

Moving on, now.

General Yeegar took his hands off of Allen's ears when he was sure that his master was done shouting. Everyone but Allen glared at the man for his previous outburst, while Cross went back to his work, not wanting to look at his apprentice.

"I'm so sorry about that," Tiedoll apologized to the apprentice. "It's just that _some_ people don't have manners!"

He emphasized the last part and Cross growled at him in response.

Allen didn't seem to mind the outburst. He was about to say something, but was cut off when a flash of white separated him from the generals. The boy luckily jumped back in time so that he wasn't hit, but it was a close call as the heavy object was mere inches away from where he stood.

His eyes darted around in search of the possible perpetrator, but he saw nothing but the-

A second refrigerator dropped down from the heavens and crashed on Allen's right, creating a corner with little space between the two household appliances. Well, that wasn't such a problem. He could just walk out….

… and nearly get hit by a refrigerator on his other side.

Because that was fun.

Totally.

No,_ really_, it was his favorite pastime.

Getting hit by refrigerators and whatnot.

"Allen!" Cross shouted from the other side of the barricade. Allen found it strange that he was the first to respond. Then he remembered his shocking revelation from earlier in the day and thought that no, him being the first to respond wasn't that strange at all.

Unless Cross was still going on about being "first" for everything.

Since there was at least one way out, Allen backed away from the refrigerators and maneuvered around them, only to see that the generals were preoccupied with the assassins Cross had mentioned. Bullets rained down on them from every side, and Allen had absolutely no desire to enter the fray.

A bullet whizzed past his head moments later, nearly taking him out.

Needless to say, Allen moved back to his littler refrigerator shelter. A fourth one dropped down and closed him in completely. He was suddenly thankful for the servants and made a mental note to apologize for his earlier behavior.

Maybe he would need to apologize to his master, too. For misunderstanding his intentions and whatnot.

But after what Cross had said earlier, Allen wasn't sure if he should be the one apologizing.

….

At some point the violence died down and Allen tried calling out to the generals.

"Hello? Is anyone there?"

Seconds later the refrigerator in front of him was moved back and pushed over to the side. Allen stepped out into the light, and took a glance around at his surroundings. Bullet shells laid around and General Yeegar was in the process of cleaning up the site with a broom, whereas Tiedoll and Klaud had returned to whatever they had been doing prior to Allen's arrival.

General Socalo picked Allen up and held him at arm's length, inspecting him for any damage. He gave the refrigerators an incredulous look and placed Allen back down, now staring at the makeshift shields like they might do something else.

While Socalo was busy staring at the refrigerators, Allen was left alone to have a "moment" with his master. The eleven-year-old not-yet exorcist shifted awkwardly in spot and with a side-glance at his custodian, he saw that the man was doing the same.

There were a few moments of awkward silence between them until Cross suddenly moved. He jumped at Allen for whatever reason, tackling the boy to the side with a shout of "look out!" and he saw a blur of white before he heard a loud crash.

"_Getoffofme!-_" Allen choked when Cross didn't get off.

Cross had fallen asleep.

Annoyed, Allen turned his attention to what he assumed would be another refrigerator. He had to move his master a little so he could see what had caused this, but his eyebrows shot up when he saw that the object that had flown at them was instead a clawfoot bathtub.

He was only able to say one word, one word alone, the one word he was able to use to convey his confusion to everyone else.

"WHY."

_Why are there clawfoot bathtubs trying to kill me._

_WHY._

_THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE._

Allen proceeded to have another insane revelation about his master and dealt with the new information that yes, clawfoot bathtubs are evil, and no, his master wasn't lying to him and is actually trying to protect him. This time more dramatic because come on, who the hell tries to kill someone with a bathtub?

"Should we help him?" Tiedoll asked, watching Allen flail about like a fish without water, trapped underneath a giant rock. And by rock, he meant Cross.

Klaud gave the pair a glance but said nothing. Lau Jimin stared at the filming camera with wide eyes, and the recording crew, disturbed, turned away and focused back on the main characters.

"I don't think anyone would want Marian passed out on them," General Yeegar supplied, and without further ado, abandoned his task at the moment to assist Allen.

Allen was currently going into shock again and clearly wasn't about to come out anytime soon. General Yeegar took pity on him, and then kicked Cross to the side. Allen, no longer pinned down, gasped for air. He shot up and dodged the new threat- the clawfoot bathtubs- and resorted to drastic measures.

It took them all a few seconds to realize what the boy was doing. He had taken off in a sprint, but where to?- and then was moments within reaching the edge of the building.

Of course the generals realized what was happening and stopped Allen from jumping off the building. They weren't heartless, you know.

Four out of five of them were at least.

Cross had woken up after his brief nap, and seeing his coworkers dogpile his apprentice was a cause for concern. He didn't understand what was going on, but he knew that Allen would be crushed underneath all of the weight. He had done many things to that brat, but he had never crushed him before. That was just plain cruel (and weird). Should he do so it would be to stop Allen from doing something stupid like jumping off of a building. But Allen wouldn't do that.

Thinking of no justifiable reason for his colleagues to dogpile Allen, Cross stormed to the spot where everyone was, and then kicked each general off of Allen and over the edge of the building.

"The nerve of some people," he scoffed and shook his head in disappointment for his colleagues' behavior. Allen was panicking and didn't seem to have heard him. "I guess I better get you home now. I think I might need to put a couple of locks on your door and put iron bars on the windows. You know, the refrigerator thing isn't exactly working, but they _do_ work as excellent shields…"

Cross continued to babble on, but Allen wasn't listening because he was still panicking.

He really didn't want to talk to Cross anymore; everything Cross said turned out to be true, and if he said something like "The Mayan Apocalypse won't really happen" or "fanfiction will write many bad stories about you" then he didn't want to be around that man. He wasn't sure if he wanted a crazy, drunk, bullshit future-seeing man for his master. In fact, he would rather try and escape right now, but he couldn't because he was preoccupied at the moment.

His last coherent thought was something along the lines of: _I only wanted to go out into town._

But no, he was assaulted with refrigerators and clawfoot bathtubs, was stalked by ninja servants, and then a bunch of other stuff happened that he didn't remember.

There was only one word to describe how he felt about all of this.

FML. (2)

…

With the characters and readers of the story glaring at her, the author decided to end the story there as the word count had already surpassed the five thousand mark where she usually refused to write anymore. She had gone past six thousand to make up for the late update, and chose to stop now before the story got any longer and complicated.

Pushing her chair away from the desk and saving her document, OrangeMoonGoddess ceased typing before anything else could happen in the random chapter.

The moment everyone turned away, though, she rushed back over to the computer and typed in as the closer to the chapter:

AND THEN EVERYONE DIEDaksjdkasjfaTHEEND

_(But this wasn't the last the readers would hear of the author_.)

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Sneaking out of the manor and running into town

Foiled by: Heavy objects are put in the way, the generals get in a huge fight, and then Cross saves Allen from a clawfoot bathtub. Allen goes into shock and snaps, then Cross wakes up and takes him home.

(1) Leave in the comments what you think Cross said :) I want to see who comes the closest! :)

(2) FML stands for, incase someone here doesn't know, "f*ck my life"

(On a side note, I wonder how many times I've broken the fourth wall in this series)

Alright, so this chapter was _definitely_ different. I don't know if future chapters will be like this, but chances are that they will be longer and with stuff that sort of makes sense. I'm sorry I didn't update earlier, but my computer broke and I didn't have anything on my flash drive at the time. Meaning I had to rewrite everything save for the chapters I'd uploaded onto my account.

At any rate, I hope everyone had a merry Christmas and will have a happy new year :) !


	59. Chapter 59

101 Attempts- Keys

Title: Cross Has Issues

._.

"Master?" Allen meekly spoke up and tugged on the sleeve of his master's dress shirt. "Can you unchain me?"

Ten-year-old Allen was practically dangling in the air as he was dragged along by his master, who didn't care how his apprentice felt. He was still angry that Allen had tried to run away earlier and was even angrier that he had to resort to wearing handcuffs. The man stopped in his tracks and took a turn, as if he were searching for something on a map and was reading the map upside down and in a different language.

Quietly Allen looked up at his master, and then noticed the keys peeking out from his master's pocket. He tried to reach for it but Cross was quick to swat his hand away. He moved the keys and attached them to his belt. To be specific, close to the buckle. Which made the keys dangle in front of somewhere Allen would rather not mention.

Allen huffed in annoyance, and glanced at Tim for help.

Tim growled and refused to assist the white-haired boy.

"Yeah," Cross rolled his eyes, "good luck getting away from me _now_."

"What if we get attacked and I get in the way?" Allen asked. "I thought you needed to use both hands when shooting."

"How about I just shrink you," Cross suggested sarcastically. "Does pocket sized sound alright to you?"

Just by hearing Cross's words, Allen felt like he was getting smaller. He didn't say any more since his master was extremely annoyed. That may or may not have been because Allen had tried to run away for the ninth time that week. His last attempt had included a fruit stand, and for some reason Cross got angry seeing his apprentice buried under a pile of melons. That had actually been days ago, and Allen was sure he would have tried to get away more often if he hadn't been under intense interrogation.

Interrogation had been complete nonsense. Cross had asked him questions like "what were you doing with those melons" and "did they offer you money or candy or something" and "what do you see in them that you don't see in me" and "why won't you answer me." Allen refused to talk since he knew his master was just jealous of the melons since Allen had "favored" them over his master. What an idiot.

Today they had finally been able to leave their inn (for groceries only) and Allen was desperate to break free from his master. Ever since the melon incident, Cross hadn't given him any free time (or space). The man was practically suffocating him! Allen groaned when he was dragged into the market and Cross went super-speed mode past the fruit stands. Since most of the stands were fruit stands, they ran for a few minutes until Cross decided they were a "safe" distance away.

"Finally, a normal stall," Cross exclaimed and approached… a jewelry stand? Allen went along with it and let his master buy a ring for whatever girlfriend he had at that time (and buy letting his master buy something, Allen really meant letting his master steal cash from him).

"Allen, what's your ring size?" Cross took Allen's right hand and showed it to the old woman behind the booth.

Allen looked at his deformed left hand, and then to his right. He honestly didn't know so he let the woman take his size. One of the little plastic rings used to take sizes nearly got stuck on him, but Timcanpy ate it to get it off. Cross conversed with the shopkeeper for a while and then took some money from Allen's wallet. Then he gave Allen the ring.

"Master?" Allen was pretty sure he wasn't a girl.

Unless Fanfiction had done something to him again.

"Just wear it," Cross snapped. "You'll see what happens."

Obediently, Allen slid the ring on his finger. It made a beeping noise. Warily, Allen looked to his master for an explanation.

Cross seemed to be more at ease now that Allen had put on the simple ring. He didn't remove the handcuffs though.

"It's a tracking device," he told his apprentice, "the stalls on this side of the market sell these kinds of things. Great, right?" Cross thanked the old woman and moved on to the next stop.

"Master, isn't that going a little too far?-"

"Just you wait and see. I'll show you what _overboard _means," Cross promised.

Cross stole more money from Allen's wallet to buy a stuffed animal. Allen refused to carry it around, but Cross shoved it in his arms and taped it to him. He didn't explain what it was for. After that, Cross bought weird hats for them both. Allen didn't want to know what they were for but he refrained from asking because he was pretty sure he wouldn't like the answer either way. Then Cross purchased a box of toothpicks and was about to explain something, but Allen gave up on him completely and blocked him out.

Then Allen remembered he could use his left arm and activated it. He didn't know why he hadn't done this in the past fifty or so chapters, but he supposed common sense had kicked in today. So he broke the handcuffs and made a run for it.

Unfortunately Cross ran faster than him.

"NO DON'T LEAVE ME I'M LONELY!" Cross shrieked in a womanly manner.

Civilians turned to stare at the strange man who'd just tackled down an equally strange child. Cross then saw them staring and hesitantly said "sniper?" which caused the civilians to run and scream in fear.

Allen was not amused.

Cross was.

"Can I leave now?" Allen glared when his master didn't get off of him.

"…"

"Fine, I'll stay."

" :-) "

"Master, you can't speak in emoticons. That's against FanFiction's regulations-" Allen started to say but got cut off.

":-( "

"Omfg," Allen rolled his eyes. "U r so immature."

"I lub u 2 baby," Cross said. When he realized what he just said, he then pulled at his hair in frustration. "Dammit spellcheck! I wanted to say '_Abby_' not '_baby_.'"

"Wtf my name is Allen," he complained.

Cross didn't hear him. "Let's go home Abby."

Allen didn't want the chapter to get any stranger than it already was, so he put his phone away and followed his master home. Since they were used to communicating via texts, they awkwardly walked home side-by-side without knowing how to socialize in real life. They were strange enough as they were by wearing sombrero hats and with Allen's teddy bear strapped to his arm. They didn't need anything else _weird_ to happen.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Taking the key to the handcuffs, then later breaking free by using his arm for once.

Foiled by: Cross is too fast for Allen

What the hell ending.

Wat r u doing.

Stahp.

Anyways, sorry I didn't update last week! I know I probably disappointed some of you guys (who are still bothering to put up with this shit) but I've been having some problems with my computer and in real life (to which all of my writing has even been affected by me writing the most depressing things imaginable... at least on my other account). I don't know for sure if I'll update next week, but I have Finals by then so I have a feeling that I might not. I just thought I'd let you guys know ahead of time so I don't let any of you down :x


	60. Chapter 60

101 Attempts: Baby, baby, NOOOO.

Original song: Baby – Justin Beiber

New song: Master

A/N: Allen sings to Cross about how much he hates him

._.

"You know I hate you, you I know I do

I shout 'piss off,' but you are there

I try to run, I try to hide,

You say we'll never, ever, ever be apart

Are you a bastard? Master, stop flirting.

'You're my bitch,' what are you saying?

Said 'you're my bitch,' and looked right in my eyes

My master hit me on the head for the first time,

And I was like master, master, master, nooo!

Like master, master, master, no

Like master, master, master, stop

Please get Tim off of me, me!

Master, master, master, stop!

Like master, master, master, nooo!

Like master, master, master, no

Please get Tim off of me, me!

For you, I have to pay whatever

And I just can't believe I'm here with you,

And I wanna get away, think I'm losin' you

Oh, I'd try anything, to get away

And when I'm hiding, please don't find me

Don't you dare try to wake me from my nice dreams,

You're going down, down, down, down

And I just can't believe the bills that you stack up

And I'm like 'master, master, master no'

Like master, master, master, no

Like master, master, master, stop

At least get Tim off of me, me!

Master, master, master, stop!

Like master, master, master, no

Like master, master, master, stop!

Please get Timcanpy away, away!

When I was just ten, I had my first master

There was nobody that was as evil as my master

And no one could ever compare, no one was that mean

He had me going crazy, oh I had bloodlust

He drank so much daily, don't need my consent

He made my heart pound

I throw up a little when I see him on the street

With his arms around a woman

And at the Order in the café

But I don't really wanna see him in the café

He knows he has me going crazy, he's such a bastard

And now I'm going crazy, but I just keep saying:

'Master, master, master, stop!'

Like, master, master, master, no

Like master, master, master stop,

I just wanna get away, away

Master, master, master, stop

Like master, master, master, no

Like master, master, master, stop

I thought that you were dead, dead

'I'm leaving'

(yeah, yeah, yeah) x2

'I'm _really_ leaving'

(yeah, yeah, yeah) x2

Never coming back!'

(yeah, yeah, yeah) x2

I'm definitely not going to be captured again!

Never again."

…

There was a dead silence. Cross Marian stared at his apprentice from his seat in their meeting room, arms folded and not amused. Allen stood on top of the couch they had been sitting on, holding Link's microphone from that one horrible karaoke night_ that will never be mentioned again_. He didn't care what his master thought; the man had asked him to entertain (as there was a lack of women in the building), so he did.

Just not in whatever way his master had been expecting. He liked to be creative.

"What did you want me to do, show you my clown tricks from my circus days?" Allen rolled his eyes and climbed back down to sit next to his master. A hand smacked him on the back of his head and Allen winced.

"Yes," Cross answered petulantly.

"Too bad." Allen punched his master's arm. "You can't be picky, master."

"Yes I can!" Came the most _original_ retort ever.

Obviously.

"No you can't," Allen countered, narrowing his eyes for extra effect.

Cross considered that.

"No I can't?" The general tilted his head to the side. He seemed to be at a loss as to what to do after being told he was wrong. Cross wasn't used to that. He was so used to screwing the rules that he had forgotten what the word "no" meant.

It was probably the alcohol that made him forget. Allen wondered if Cross could get so drunk that he would forget he had an apprentice. That would be awesome; Allen would be able to do so many things with his master gone. Like get Katsura Hoshino to update regularly.

_But that would take a thousand miracles to accomplish_. _We'd be better off using our miracles on finding Twinkies and lower gas prices._

Realizing that he was supposed to answer instead of getting side-tracked by random fourth-wall breaking, he answered a simple "Nope."

"Not even a little?" Cross tried.

Allen shook his head. Remembering the purpose of his song, he stood from the couch and headed for the door. As he reached out for the handle, a body flung itself at him and tackled him to the floor.

"Wait!" Cross shouted (drunkenly. So it came out more like: "_Waaaaiiiiiitss_"). "Don't leave!" ("_Dun leab_!")

"_Why?_" Allen exclaimed as he tried to struggle free. His stubborn master kept him pinned on the floor and refused to let go. "Why would you say that when you know how much I hate you?"

Cross gave Allen a wounded look that made the apprentice actually regret those words.

"But I get lonely," Cross told his idiot through fake tears. "You're the only one that I'm allowed to visit! The guards got pissed off and left, and the women here don't like me."

"That's because you're an asshole!" Allen shouted. He didn't care that he had uncharacteristically swore, but it didn't matter because most of this story (if you could call it one) was already fucked up. So HASHTAG YOLO. "Now get off of me, or I will NEVER. COME. BACK," he stressed each syllable in his threat.

The man rolled off of his apprentice but his hands continued to hold Allen down.

"Do you really mean that?" Cross asked skeptically. "Are you really going to come back if I let you go?"

Allen didn't want to, but agreed anyways.

"Oh okay, good," Cross sighed in relief. He dragged Allen back over to the couch and produced a random pair of handcuffs from under the cushions. "I get really bored with no one to bother all day, and when you're here it's like you're part of the room. You never talk," Cross complained as he handcuffed them together. He took the key and fed it to Timcanpy in front of Allen's very own eyes. "It's too bad we lost the key," he shrugged as if he hadn't just destroyed said key. "Looks like we'll have to get used to each other until we're free."

"Master, we could get the science section to-"

"Killed them."

Allen blinked. "What?"

"I killed them," Cross repeated himself. "I killed them all."

"Well, I could use Crown Clown to-"

Cross shot Allen's left hand with Judgment. Allen screamed and fell over in pain, clutching his bleeding hand to his chest.

"Sorry, my _finger _slipped," Cross 'apologized' as he started to put his gun away. "Looks like we'll have to get used to each other until we're free."

"You just said that though-"

Another gunshot to the hand, and Allen finally got it through his thick skull that Cross was desperate enough to resort to these matters. _This is what happens when you drink, kids._ He groaned started his search for the first aid kit, because Cross sure as hell wasn't going to help him.

"So about that song," Cross spoke up as Allen cursed him for shooting him. "Is that really how you feel?" he asked. Allen thought about nodding, but any answer that didn't appeal to the man would automatically be rejected. With a bullet.

"… No," Allen lied.

"Good," Cross hummed in approval. "Otherwise I would've killed you, too. Then I would have to make a third grave to use in battle. You know, it isn't exactly easy to carry those things around." Then he added, "They're heavy. Do you think I should have Socalo carry them? He looks strong..."

Allen believed a facepalm of the highest possible order was in need of being delivered. Right now.

_I should have just shown him the damn clown tricks._

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Leaving the room after promising in the song that he would leave

Foiled by: Cross handcuffing them together and feeding Tim the key

Did you think it would be just a song? The quotation marks at the beginning should have hinted that it would be something more ^^ Anyways, sorry for not updating in a long time. I've been feeling sort of down and lost my inspiration for a bit, but here's the new chapter and I hope you all enjoyed! I don't remember how the song "Baby" goes but I'm pretty sure that I nailed it.

Next chapter, Cross will speak in all-drunk and Kanda will do a funny little dance with the Segway back-up dancers. Link will be singing karaoke, Allen will be on stage amusing us with his suffering, Lenalee probably won't be present and Lavi absolutely won't be present because they didn't buy tickets to the goddamn show. The Komurin bots will be at the entrance and might let Lenalee inside anyways, but they absolutely not let Lavi inside because according to the recent chapters of DGrayMan, he doesn't exist, therefore cannot buy a ticket and go inside. Should he try, they will think he's a ghost, and will call GhostBusters. Then I will proceed to take off all of my clothes on stage, lounge sexily on the floor and ask you to draw me like one of your French girls (to which you will have reactions ranging from disgust, to lust, to HAHAHABOOBIES), where you will say yes and draw me a crappy picture.

Happy Monday, guys :)


	61. Chapter 61

101 Attempts- Witch hunt!

Title: Now That's Just Overboard.

A/N: Okay, this chapter is mostly Cross being a paranoid guardian and thinks that everyone is gay. So heads up for Mama Cross.

Or thumbs up ;)

._.

Cross hated it when people tried to flirt with his apprentice. Not because he wanted the attention, but despite putting Allen through hell, Cross was very protective of that kid.

Before Cross had become overly protective, he had just been like, the best fucking parent of forever. He and Allen went to movies together, Cross read bedtime stories to Allen, Allen would make drawings for him and they would put them up on their fridge, would see Allen off to school… and so on.

And by "go to movies together," he meant that Cross forced Allen watch all of the violent anime he had illegally downloaded on his computer.

By "bedtime stories," Cross would tell Allen about his days in the war.

As for the "drawings on the fridge," Allen wrote letters to the neighbors in a desperate attempt to get help, and Cross found them before they could be delivered, and he burned them in the fire, then roasted marshmallows over that fire while Allen watched hopelessly.

"Seeing Allen off to school" was code for: lock the brat in the closet and not let him out until he did what Cross wanted.

Yeah, best fucking parent ever. Cross wondered why he hadn't gotten an award yet or some shit.

Anyways, he let Allen play with the girl next door one day, and went to pick him up after he decided he had spent enough time socializing. Allen had whined about the "play date" being too short, but Cross had only heard the last half of that sentence. One hour was ample time to flirt with a lady!

Allen had protested, asking for five more minutes, but Cross wasn't going to take any of that. So he picked Allen up by the scruff of his neck (like he always did). That was when the little girl tried to flirt with Allen one last time before he left.

Cross hadn't been able to believe that his apprentice was getting popular with the ladies at such a young age. At first he thought he had been jealous, but then he realized the jealousy was because someone _else _had his idiot's attention. He was used to having the idiot cling to him (with no other choice), and to suddenly see the idiot going off on his own made Cross feel like he was watching Allen go down the wedding aisle or… something like that.

Either way, it had been fucking depressing, Cross had felt old, and he had finally understood how Komui felt about his little sister. Cross hoped he hadn't developed some strange apprentice-complex, but chances were that he had when he decided to call up a hitman to get rid of Allen's love interest.

With the girl out of his way, Cross had been able to relax for a while. He'd let the matter go, but the rage returned when he caught Allen holding a watermelon with a cat on his shoulder. He had been so pissed off that he killed both the fruit and the animal on spot. Stupid bastards trying to flirt with his apprentice… one day, he would just kill them all.

This was where the over-protectiveness finally came in. From then on, every time Cross saw Allen doing anything remotely romantic, he would jump in and kill whoever Allen was socializing with. Which led up to today, the worst day of the year.

Valentines day.

_Or given what he was about to do with all of the bastards, perhaps he should say: Violentines Day._

Which of course he started out with drinking out an entire liquor store.

Cross didn't care that he was ruining Allen's chances at a normal, happy life. He just didn't give a damn. Was this how Komui felt? Cross pondered that while he waited for the idiot to wake up.

"General Cross, I'm going to have to ask you to-" Howard Link (the stalker inspector) tapped Cross on the shoulder to tell him to leave, but he wasn't going to hear any of that.

Cross glared his signature glare.

For totally obvious reasons, he shot Link in the brain and killed him. The sound of murder and destruction woke Allen up, and the poor soul screamed when he saw the dead man on the ground. Cross distracted him by throwing Timcanpy at the kid. While Allen was busy removing the golem from his face, Cross threw the corpse out the window and covered up the blood by moving the carpet.

Allen pried Tim off of him, and then looked to the spot where Link had died. He frowned and rubbed his eyes, clearly suspicious of Cross.

"Master, where did Link-san go?" Allen asked as he got out from under his covers. He made his bed, thankfully not alarmed by the gunshot moments ago.

Seeing as how telling Allen that Link had been killed for flirting would go over horribly with the brat, Cross decided to lie. "Oh, he uh, had work to take care of." Allen stared at him skeptically and Cross tried harder. "You know. Inspector stuff, like recording the numbers of bristles you have on your toothbrush."

Allen believed the blatant lie. "Okay!"

_Genius Cross strikes again._

Cross sighed in relief and shut the window behind him. Allen changed into his usual clothes and Cross noticed there was a little red stain on his sleeve. That could only mean one thing.

'_Allen must have a girlfriend!' _He thought._ 'Damn it, how many women does he know? Where does he find them? Did he go to his fans in the real world or something? Shit, I'm going to have to kill them all at this rate.' _Cross worriedly paced back and forth in the room. '_He must have learned how to womanize from me. Crap. I should have been a better role model. Instead of being so open about it, I should have just hid in the fucking brothel.'_

"Master, is everything okay?" Allen tossed his pajamas into the hamper and was about to step outside. Cross stopped his pacing and followed after the idiot, grumbling under his breath.

"Let's just go get breakfast." He shoved his hands into his pockets to find his cigarette box. When he did, he took out five and lit them all at the same time.

_Lung cancer you say? What's that?_

Allen's friend Lavi approached them, though he wasn't as cheerful as he usually was.

"Moyashi-chan!" Cross narrowed his eyes. Moyashi?_ Chan? _Oh hell no, not this guy too. Why was the Order filled with so many gay people? Was this the effect of having no women around? Cross made a mental note to hire some hookers for the Order later and then to give Komui the bill. That idiot would probably just be happy that there were less people ogling Lenalee.

Cross was certain Komui would be in favor of notion.

"Lavi, is something wrong?"

Judging from the expression on Lavi's face, yes, something was wrong.

Or maybe his face was always just like that.

"Two-dot was found dead outside! Someone shot him in the head," he told his obvious love interest. Cross began to take out his gun from its holster while Allen distracted him.

What a good kid.

"That's terrible," Allen put his hand over his mouth in shock, though he should be happy that his stalker was gone. Cross hated how that guy had always been following Allen and taking notes. That was just plain fucking creepy. If you asked Cross, that was totally head-over-heels love.

… Or it was just Link's job, but it was kind of too late to go back now.

"How did this happen?" Allen sniffed and wiped the tears off of his face.

_Oh, son of a bitch, _Cross swore in his head while Allen cried. _Were they a couple? FUCK._

"Actually, I came here to look for your master," Lavi said as he pat Allen on the shoulder comfortingly. Cross immediately scowled when their eyes met. Oh yeah, this guy was SO going to die.

"Allen, go on without me," Cross told his crying apprentice.

In other words: Gtfo.

"Alright," Allen whimpered (pathetically).

The moment Allen was out of sight, Lavi turned to speak to Cross. But Cross didn't want to hear about any fucking marriage proposals or his crack conspiracy theories, so he shot Lavi too. He then proceeded to shoot the filming camera and threw all bodies involved off the ledge of the Order and into the abyss below. Cross whistled and walked away when people began to investigate.

When Cross arrived in the cafeteria, he found his idiot surrounded by a harem. At least, it looked like a harem to him.

"Allen-kun, do you want me to get you some tissues?" Lenalee held Allen in a tight embrace, quickly landing her on top of Cross's to-kill list.

Allen only cried.

"Hey idiot, your friend with the eye patch is dead." Cross kicked that vampire guy off the bench and took his seat beside Allen.

This made Allen cry harder.

"General Cross, what do you mean?" Lenalee gasped.

"What do I _mean?"_ Cross sneered and hit Allen on the head to end his bitching. "I mean that he's dead. Do I have to spell it out for you morons?"

"How," Allen sobbed, "why is everyone around me dying?"

Lenalee released Allen, who fell backwards off of his seat. Cross glared at her and was sure that she had gotten the message. Which was, incase it was unclear: Fuck. Off.

"Allen-kun, if everyone around you was dying, we would all be dead," Lenalee attempted to reason. "Maybe everyone around your master is dying."

Allen quieted down to listen.

"Well, Cross was in the room when Link disappeared, and he was the last one to see Lavi," he hiccupped and accepted the hand Lenalee offered to help him back up. He glanced warily at Cross and backed away reflexively when he saw the hostile glare. "I-I think you're right, Lenalee… but that means…"

Cross face palmed. It wasn't that everyone around him was dying, necessarily, just that he was killing anyone who knew Allen and was left in his presence while Allen wasn't looking. There was a huge difference between the two!

"I'm going to die next," Allen screamed like a little girl. "I don't want to die!"

"Allen-kun, wait! –" Lenalee called after the idiot who ran away, but Cross fired his gun and she fell over.

The occupants of the cafeteria panicked at the murder, but Cross didn't want to be sent to prison so he killed them all to stop anyone else from finding out about the murders. When they were all good as dead, Cross pursued his apprentice.

Along the way, Cross shot down everyone he saw in the hall. They were all looking rather flirty, what with their heads down and going through papers and whatnot. They were all probably going over their love letters for Allen before they mailed them! Cross killed them too and made a mental note to later bribe the mailing companies, and then kill them so that Allen would never get another love letter.

He also made note to grab some more booze after this was all over. He was simply not drunk enough for this crap. And by "drunk" he meant "possibly seven servings of alcohol."

_A man needs his booze in hard times._

Pathetic wailing lead Cross over to a training room. Cross kicked the door down and opened his mouth to scold his apprentice for his little-girl-crying, when he was faced with Allen crying while the two other generals talked to him.

_Oh hell to the fuck no, _Cross thought angrily. He stalked forward and put himself between Allen and General Tiedoll and Socalo.

It looked kind of stupid, with him flailing his arms to prevent his two colleagues from viewing his idiot. But the two men thought he was up to his usual wasted antics and ignored him. Socalo tried to shove Cross to the side, but he planted his feet firmly on the ground, all the while using Allen as support as he drunkenly jabbed the guy with the heavy armor on the chest with his finger.

"I see what you're trying to do here," Cross slurred accusingly at Socalo and Tiedoll. "I'm gone for _ONE MINUTE_, and you two come along to try and replace me as his parent," he accused. "Don't you dare try to pull that '_we were just trying to comfort him_' shit, because that's a load of bull."

Tiedoll adjusted his glasses nervously.

Socalo rolled his eyes.

"While that may be true for _him_," Socalo gestured towards the old man, "_I_ was just trying to replace you as his master."

_I knew it, _Cross further narrowed his eyes. _Everyone in this building is in love with Allen! It looks like I have no choice…_

Cross shot the two men, but thankfully Allen didn't see that. The arm Cross had rested on his head as support kept his face towards the ground as he sobbed.

"Master, don't get near me," Allen pleaded. "I don't want to di-" he stopped midsentence when he saw the two generals collapsed on the floor and surrounded by blood. "What happened?" he shouted. Cross grabbed his arm and moved him around the corpses. _That's better._ "Master, why is everyone dying?"

"Because you keep trying to run away from me," Cross further lied. If he was going to lie, he may as well go full out. "Don't you get it?" he paused for dramatic effect. Allen's eyes widened as he listened. "It's a rule of the universe or something. Every time you try to escape, one of your friends die as punishment. It's not you; it's just that God hates you or some shit"

Allen bit down on his lip and the waterworks started again. Cross was just glad that the brat had believed him.

"I'm sorry," Allen apologized, feeling genuinely guilty in his gullible state, "I won't run away again."

_Holy crap, this day is turning out way better than I expected. _Cross was stunned by how well things were going. He had thought the day would be spent beating off Allen's various and questionable love interests with a stick.

As Allen clung onto him while he vowed to listen to him from now on, Cross decided that today was definitely a great day.

_A great day to kill everyone, that is._

"Say, Allen," Cross drawled as Allen continued to sob. "How about you and me go hire some hookers for the Order instead of mourning over these losers?" He gestured towards Socalo at this specifically. "That way everyone will stop paying attention to your freakishly weird self and instead be focused on the gigantic boobs of the hookers that we should totally buy for this reason and this reason alone. Not because I want to flirt with them or anything. What do you say? Good plan? Right?"

Allen didn't know what hookers were.

He was sort of slow like that.

"Okay, nevermind," he shook his head in dismissal of the plan. "We'll go get you comfort ice cream instead since your buddies all died in a freak accident."

Allen frowned.

"But master, didn't you say-"

Cross glared.

"We're not having this conversation again," he told the idiot. As they- or just Cross- wobbled out of the room with double vision as an effect of heavy drinking, a couple of Order members just so happened to come in line with Cross's gun when he just so happened to pull the trigger. Allen gave him an accusing stare, to which Cross said, "uh sorry. Gravity." And continued with his speech. "Listen up, alright?" he slurred, "This is going to be the best damn speech ever spoken. I should like, get an award or some crap. SO. We have agreed, that I will never, and _have_ never, cared about what you have to say because I'm too drunk to understand it anyways. So shut up, get in the kitchen, and make me a sandwich."

He waited for Allen to speak.

"What did you think? Award-worthy?" he prompted.

Allen applauded sarcastically with a sour look on his idiot face.

Then another one of Allen's friends "mysteriously" died as they turned the corner.

The clapping stopped.

"... I think I'd like that ice cream now," Allen sniffed.

Cross hit him on the head.

"Then get in the kitchen and make that sandwich!" he shouted as if the solution were totally obvious. "Come on, we don't have all day to be standing around here like sniveling little morons. There are people to kill, and idiots to be taken care of," he said while pushing the crying brat along. "MOVE IT!"

His shouts raised to bellows that shook the entire foundation of the very building they were in, damaging Allen's ear drums forever and straining his vocal cords. One could only shout so much after all. He coughed into his elbow. "See? This is all your fault," he said as the boy recovered from the blast in his ear. "This is what happens when you don't get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich!"

"Oh god, I can't wait until the chapter in the manga where you die," Allen complained with his hands over his ears, shutting his eyes in pain. "How about I bake Apocryphos a thank-you cake for killing you like we all should have done at the beginning of this stupid fanfiction, huh?"

But Cross wasn't paying any attention to his apprentice, as he was putting his gun back in its holster while his foot nudged a couple bodies off of the railing nearby one by one. He looked up as he lit another one of his many cigarettes.

"What were you saying, brat?"

"... Nothing," came the heavy sigh. Allen's shoulders slumped and he lowered his head tiredly as he moved on. "I'll go make that sandwich now, I guess..."

"Make sure you don't touch the fruits in the fridge," Cross called out after him. "And when you're cleaning up the dishes afterwards, don't drop the soap! Don't say I didn't warn you!"

Allen ignored him.

To make sure nothing weird happened in the kitchen, Cross went after his apprentice and abruptly demanded a piggy back ride as an excuse to tag along. Despite being a complete whimp, Allen didn't question him and went with it, because he knew he would get the single response of: "I don't care."

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Screaming like a little girl and running away to stay alive

Foiled by: Cross killing all of Allen's friends while under the impression that they all were in love with him, then lying about why they died.

Heads up, but I won't be able to post for the next two mondays so on the 11th and 18th I wouldn't expect an update :( I'm really sorry about the lack of updates, but I promise that I have the chapters written and ready. I just won't really be able to access a computer for those weeks :(

On another note, Allen should probably go make that sandwich now. He's been holding off on doing that for too long.


	62. Chapter 62

101 Attempts – Doctor's Office

Title: Technically, He Was Telling The Truth

Title #2: I Didn't Know You Were Certified

Title #3: WHO THE HELL LISCENSED YOU?

._.

Allen sat on a chair in the waiting room of a hospital with a clipboard of papers on his lap. He twirled the borrowed pen in his hand as he scanned over the information he was obligated to provide. While these visits to the doctor required a guardian for minors, Allen had called his regular physician in advance to explain his situation. He wasn't even here for any specific health-related reason. Since he was here and searching for a place to hide, he figured he might as well have a checkup. It wasn't like his master ever took him to checkups anyways. The jerk didn't even tell him the stuff he needed to know on this paper, but Allen managed to fill out the sheet regardless.

Earlier in the morning Allen had excused himself from today's lesson with the excuse of being ill. His master, Cross Marian, had planned on taking them through a tour of the nearest red-light district. Since that kind of lesson was absolutely useless and inappropriate when taking Allen's mere eleven years of life into consideration, Allen decided to take the day off. He had been aware of this lesson for quite a while, but hadn't been sure how to squeeze his way out of this one. Allen went for a walk to think about how to proceed, when the hobo throwing up in the alley had inspired him. So he thought that if he got sick (or pretended to be), then he would be excused from the upcoming horror. Thus, Allen had called his doctor friend to schedule a "check up."

Now here he was, waiting in the "well" waiting room with his paperwork completed. He had filled in his name, current address, emergency contact information, his health history, and so on. At least he'd had something to do in the past fifty minutes. Allen didn't mind the wasted time; that was why he was here in the first place. With nothing else better to do as he waited for his appointment, Allen used the pen to draw little doodles on the edges. He hoped his doctor friend wouldn't mind.

"Mr. Walker? We're ready for you now."

Allen looked up from his paperwork and smiled at the assistant that had come for him. He stood from his chair and stretched a bit before handing over the information. He followed the assistant out the door of the waiting room to enter a long hallway. They moved to a door halfway through and on the right. Allen was ushered inside the treatment room and sat down on the exam table covered with hygienic paper. The assistant left after telling Allen the doctor would be there shortly.

_There's _more_ waiting time? Really? _Allen nodded and thanked the assistant regardless, dangling his legs over the edge of the table childishly. They should at least put some form of entertainment in the rooms while the patients waited, because leaving them to their own devices wasn't the best idea. His doctor friend had informed him of incidents in the past where patients destroyed the exam rooms out of boredom. Allen didn't think sitting still was so bad, but maybe for those who didn't know how to keep themselves busy.

The door opened and Allen's doctor friend entered with the standard uniform. Allen smiled; it had been a while since he had seen his friend in person.

"Hey Dr. Doc," Allen greeted.

Doc nodded at Allen and sat down on one of the few rolling stools that had been pushed under the counter. The man had joined the hospital's staff a year ago and helped Allen after he developed insomnia from overworking himself. Grateful towards the doctor who put him back on the right track, Allen had become quick friends with Dr. Doc.

"So, we're here for just a checkup?" Doc looked up from his papers to the boy sitting on the exam table across from him. Allen responded in the affirmative and watched the doctor grab for the stethoscope in the equipment drawer. "Alright, then we'll start off by listening to your heart. You don't look ill, so I doubt we're going to have any problems but I have to check, as procedure requires me to." The doctor scooted over on the stool while the wheels scratched against the floor. He took the stethoscope and plugged the pieces into his ears. To press the bell side of the stethoscope against his chest, the doctor's hand removed Allen's trademark red ribbon and unbuttoned the first few buttons on his dress shirt.

The doctor listened in for a few moments and was satisfied by what he heard. "Your back is next. Can you turn around really quick? After this we'll check the head and neck."

Allen turned and the cold metal pressed against his back. He shivered, but took a deep breath as instructed. He breathed out and was told to repeat the action for the doctor to listen for any respiratory problems. The metal pulled away and Allen sighed in relief; he really hated that tool. Allen moved his legs to hang them over the edge of the table while the paper beneath him crinkled slightly. Doctor doc rolled away on the stool back over to the counter to scavenge the drawer for a pen he could use on the papers he had entered with.

"So how's your family doing?" Allen asked to start a friendly conversation. His friend smiled at him and capped the pen. That awkward smile reached his brown eyes and the doctor scratched the back of his head. To be honest, he was jealous of how regular people were able to display their emotions so genuinely and carefree. Ever since he had become an apprentice, he hadn't been able to let his guard down once. It was relaxing for him to be around people who had that privilege, though.

"My wife started up something called yoga and the kids are running around like miniature devils," Doc answered with no haste. The awkward smile turned to a kind expression as he set his hands down to fold them on his lap. "How have you been? You look tired. I hope your master hasn't been racking up too much debt again," he spoke cheerfully. Allen's mood plummeted to the depths of despair upon the mentioning of money that Cross owed to people around the world.

Doc didn't seem to notice Allen's mood change, because he continued to speak. "I remember when you used to come here because of your sleep deprivation. You always told us these crazy stories about your methods of repaying the debts that guy would shove on you." Allen curled up into a ball and pretended to die on the exam table. He really didn't want to talk about money right now.

Allen was saved from that conversation soon enough. A knock on the door caught Doc's attention, and the man stood from the stool to answer. Allen's eyes followed his doctor as he opened the door to speak to the assistant outside. Since whatever it was probably didn't concern him, Allen looked away and played with the red ribbon from his outfit. He idly wrapped the ribbon around his thumb then began to put it into fun shapes like hearts and stars. As he waited for the checkup to continue, Allen buttoned his shirt back up. He didn't think he would have to take it off again.

"Allen, I'll be right back," the doctor promised. He stepped outside of the room and closed the door halfway to throw in a couple more words. "This shouldn't take more than a couple minutes, so sit tight."

"Okay." Allen sighed. He laid down on the exam table with his back flat against the cushioned surface. The door closed all the way with a small click, leaving Allen to himself once again. He shut his eyes momentarily and noted how heavy they felt. Maybe he should keep up these doctor's visits; Doc had gotten him through his insomnia and he could certainly do it again.

A year ago, insomnia had stricken Allen hard. Days on end were made of Cross drinking uncontrollably with a harem always on his back, whereas Allen was busy trying to pay for all of the expenses. During his work and during his sleep, Allen would always think of ways to permanently destroy the rock of debt. Then he had discovered a new method called gambling. Allen didn't tell his master, but his money making method brought in lots of easy cash. He knew his master was going to catch on at some point (Cross had already taken note of Allen's lack of yawning and complaining) so Allen used his free time to stay up reading manga.

It was easy to keep up his façade, because Cross never came home until seven in the morning doing God-knows-what. Timcanpy went with him, so Allen guessed they were either at the bar getting drunk, or hunting for akuma. There were times when Tim stayed with Allen, but Tim didn't mind Allen's nighttime activities. Unsupervised, Allen used a huge chunk out of the night to read all of the recent chapters in manga magazines he subscribed to with his extra money. He didn't let the issues stack up as Cross would notice at some point in time, if ever. Allen let Timcanpy eat the older chapters so he could make room for the new ones.

Being young and left to his own devices, Allen developed even worse sleeping habits. He was unable to sleep during the night, but when he wanted to sleep it was during the day at work. Since this was an improvement from his older lifestyle, Allen didn't take notice until it began to bother him. His employers suggested he go see a doctor after Allen collapsed during jobs, so Allen had taken a trip to the hospital. Not understanding he would need an adult with him, Allen tried to schedule an appointment only to have the process explained to him.

At a loss as to what to do, ten-year-old Allen at the time had almost gone home when Dr. Doc passed by and happened to overhear his predicament. From there everything had been sorted out, and Allen's health restored. Not only had he been suffering a type of insomnia, but he hadn't been eating enough either. That was blamed on his parasitic Innocence, while the roots of all of his other problems traced back to his master. It didn't take too long to get Allen back on the right track, but when he did it was noticed by everyone around him. Despite Doc's warning, Allen shortened the amount of time he spent up at night by only a half. He got more sleep and that was enough to keep him awake during the day, but tired enough so his master didn't catch on.

A year passed quickly and now here he was, back in the doctor's office but for a checkup only. The doorknob rattled and the door flung open. Allen snapped out of his thoughts as he was taken by surprise by the sudden violence. He remained lying down on the exam table, tilting his head to look at a somewhat familiar man in a doctor's standard white coat. Allen rubbed at his eyes when he saw the doctor slam the door behind him and lock it. Now alarmed, Allen began to sit up when he noticed vibrant red hair tied back into a ponytail. As the "doctor" turned to face him, Allen saw that the right side of his face was covered by a white mask with glasses sticking out from underneath. A dark eye stared back at him impassively to Allen's complete and utter shock.

There was a long silence in the exam room. Allen was half-risen on the padded table with his elbows propping him up. A mixture of rage, confusion, and disbelief was displayed on his face as he stared. The "doctor" stood there with his hands in his pockets, not saying a single word to the boy across from him. It was Allen who broke the silence.

"Alright," he started cautiously, eyes narrowing with suspicion. "Who let you in, and who did you mug for that coat?"

Cross shrugged.

"Your doctor," he answered without caring that he had just attacked one of Allen's few friends. Cross picked up the paper from the counter and scanned them over. After reading the information, he broke open one of the locked cabinets for the equipment. Allen sat up to stop his master, but he was pushed back down while Cross decided to explain himself. "You told me this morning you would be going to see the doctor. I was too tired to even understand what you were saying; just that you had opened your mouth to say something unimportant. Just like everything else you say," Cross told him. Allen glared and Cross went on. "I went to bed and when I woke up I was ready for our tour around the red-light district, but you weren't there and _then_ I remembered you mentioned going to the doctor."

"So you followed me here, attacked my doctor, and came to take me back for the lesson," Allen finished in a flat tone.

Cross shook his head. "No, I was going to fix you myself. You're my property, and I need you alive to pay off my debts. I don't trust you with anyone who isn't me."

"You're not licensed to do this," Allen protested. "This isn't legal."

"Nothing I do is legal," Cross pointed out and hit his apprentice on the head harshly. Allen winced and clutched his now throbbing head. "So what do you need, a band aid or some shit?"

"GET OUT OF HERE!" Allen roared at his master, grabbing the nearby reflex hammer and chucking it at the man, who caught it with his hand. "This is a checkup; I don't _need_ or _want _you in here. I need someone with an actual degree." *

Cross tilted his head to the side and stood over his apprentice menacingly with the hammer in his tight grip. A dark and murderous aura radiated from the man, and Allen regretted having opened his mouth. Allen backed up when Cross moved forward with the hammer raised and ready to strike.

"Why don't we check your reflexes first?" he suggested "innocently." Allen scooted away and was quickly trapped against the wall. The hammer came down but Allen dodged just in time to avoid impact.

"I think my reflexes are working just fine, thank you very much," the boy told his master. He jumped off the edge of the exam table and nearly tripped over one of the rolling stools. He almost collided with the door but he regained his footing to try to unlock it. Before he could, Cross's hand grabbed the collar of his shirt to prevent him from escaping. Allen was dragged backwards and thrown against the wall with a thump.

Allen gulped when he saw his master approaching with the hammer once again.

He should have just kept quiet.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Going to the doctor.

Foiled by: Cross beating up the doctor and taking his job.

* That right there, my friends, was master being rejected by his own apprentice. Since Cross is accustomed to having things go his way without anyone ever speaking back to him, you can imagine how poorly he would take to resistance.

Alright, I'm sorry for the lack of updates but my computer is getting really old and it keeps shutting down on me :( I'm trying to get a replacement, but it's kind of hard when you don't exactly have a job. I'll try my best to update (maybe from school if I have to) but there might be some days when I can't do anything. Also I've looked back at the initial chapters and think they're kind of crappy in comparison to now, so I'm going to go back and edit some of them (but when I have time).

Again, sorry for the lack of updates :( I really hate to let you guys down, but there's not much I can do about the computer issue.


	63. Chapter 63

Title: A normal day of the normal exorcist.

._.

Klaud Nine was the most normal person in the Black Order. Despite being a wielder of a parasitic innocence, which was highly uncommon, she was_ indeed_ the most normal person in the work place. To further explain her normality, and ignoring the gigantic scar across her face and her huge bust size, the Director of the European branch was a complete nutcase. His workers, the people he supervised, were just about as insane as he was. The science division was constantly creating useless inventions, the medical ward was the only part of the building that really was of any use but crap still went down in that area because of the people who occupied it, the finders were good for only scouting, the exorcists were all stupid and volatile, and the food? Well, Jerry knew how to cook, but she was highly suspicious of how he managed to cook so much in such short times. In fact, sometimes she suspected that Jerry guy was an accommodator of some sort. Which was saying a lot about how crazy this place was.

The only spot where it wasn't insane was the library. The good old, quiet, mildew-smelling library, with shelves after shelves of endless reading material that she could read in a relaxing environment where there wasn't any shouting or random explosions around every corner. There was no blown out of proportion drama, and neither were there any madmen running around trying to bully his or her coworkers in a preschool-bullying fashion. There weren't any alcoholics, and all boring old men were absent. In other words, it was just her, and her fellow generals weren't around to disturb what little peace was available. Especially those two blockheads, Cross and Socalo. They were the loudest and the most obnoxious out of anyone here.

Since she knew that at the most she would only be able to spend ten minutes in the library without being disturbed, Klaud quickly chose one of the available plush chairs and sat down with her current book. Lau Jimin, ever present on her shoulder, made himself comfortable. As she opened up to where she last left off, Lau looked down to read along with her. She didn't know if Innocence was capable of comprehending human literature, but if it could, then by all means they could pick up all the books they wanted. All of them.

Her book was about how to deal with rowdy coworkers. It provided guidance as to how to calm the alcoholic and direct him to the nearest counseling office, and for the bloodthirsty psychopath, how to show sympathy for his atypical childhood of being forced to tend the watermelon fields, and later expressing his pent-up frustration by continuing that life secretly and forcing the watermelon way onto those who feared such lifestyle. Klaud immediately realized how ridiculous her situation was, and how absurd the history was of some of these people, no names mentioned, as she continued on reading the written advice.

It told her, for the first one, to bring the alcoholic to his senses. The first step was to take away the alcohol, and then it instructed to smack him across the face and leave the poor boy with the white hair alone. Klaud paused. That sounded familiar, didn't it? She glanced at the front of the _How to Deal With Your Coworkers,_ and saw that the author went by the name of… Alan Runner. That was obviously a false name. Allen Walker, not _Alan Runner_, must have gotten fed up with them and written a book for anyone else in his situation. Klaud suddenly felt a lot more respect for the British kid. She kept on reading his advice.

The third step was to then take the alcoholic out of any public place he was occupying, but it warned the reader that there might be some trouble with that. It said that in case of resistance to lie and say that there was booze somewhere else. The fourth step: trick the alcoholic into going to an AA meeting with the promise of more wine, and then take him to more rehab, possibly get him in a mental institution and abandon him forever while knowing escape is impossible, and that he will break out regardless of where he is put. The fifth step: come to terms with the fact you will never get away or be able to change the alcoholic's ways, and send him off into the world equipped with enough alcohol to last him at least three weeks before he tries to return.

Klaud wasn't sure if she wanted to pay for Marian's alcohol expenses, but it that was what it took to get him to leave, then she would consider it. She really didn't like having him around, and was actually waiting for Apocryphos to come along and off him just like everyone else in the Order. Everyday they thought "God, when is he going to leave?". Unless that conspiracy theorist Lavi was right, and by some odds Cross was Apocryphos. But this was highly unlikely and she cast aside that thought the moment suggested. She wondered if the theory had come from the crack pits of hell of the D. Gray Man fandom, which she tended to ignore. There were all sorts of strange things in the crack section.

_How to Deal With the Bloodthirsty Psychopath. _She was looking forward to this one, because Socalo was one of the reasons Cross was so insane to begin with. Socalo, having come from Mexico where there was plenty of farming, had admitted to growing up as a farmhand to a farm that specialized in the handling of the cucurbitaceae family. So from cucumbers, to pumpkins, luffas, and squash, every day he had dealt with the care of these produce. The cucurbitaceae family also included watermelons. Klaud didn't know what happened to make Socalo snap and lose his sanity, but it didn't take much imagination for what it would take for a man like him to somehow end up on death row, and be discovered by the Black Order. She had heard that Socalo managed to slash fields upon fields of watermelons during his angry rage with the Innocence he was found to be compatible with.

From there, Socalo was taken to the Black Order where he eventually rose to the rank of a general. Socalo had at first been some crabby guy that no one really wanted to work with, but then Cross made his aversion towards watermelons apparent. Socalo took note of this aversion and because he grew up around the produce that they both hated, he must have tried to become kindred spirits with this melon-hating soul. This offer of friendship included a box of melons for them to both smash, but Cross took it the wrong way and thought that Socalo was mocking him.

The two had been rivals ever since for that stupid reason.

The first step was to sympathize. Tell the ex-farmhand how much you hate melons, and suggest you both go out and destroy a field or two. Then realize you both need therapy and attend the same session as the alcoholic. The instructions were fairly simple for this one, but in all honesty Socalo was far less problematic than Cross. Klaud Nine looked over the alternative methods of dealing with rowdy coworkers, and kept some of the advice in mind. She had a feeling that she might have to follow this guidance in about two paragraphs or so after the author was finished with her self-insertion.

OrangeMoonGoddess ceased said self-insertion and pretended that she hadn't done anything. Klaud was forced to face her realization much sooner than she would like to admit.

Six minutes after sitting in the library, an explosion nearby grabbed her attention. Placing the book down, she reluctantly left her seat to open the door leading to the hallway.

The Order was on fire. The ground was cracked and broken in some places, and scientists were running around trying to stop another one of the Komurin robots. Klaud stepped out of the library and closed the door behind her, trying to assess the situation properly while some of the exorcists screamed at each other (something about a Segway) but she didn't understand much. Not that she ever understood what these lunatics were up to.

The author of the How-To book was hanging from a plank half-attached to the floor above this one. Klaud hoped the Order was willing to pay for repairs, because they just got this new building and there were already several damages. Did they have insurance? With all of the destruction in the past she was sure that the Order must have done something to reduce to costs…

"ALLEN!" called out a familiar voice. Klaud and Allen simultaneously groaned, and on Klaud's floor stumbled in red-haired man who also held several bottles of wine in his hands. He cracked one open and downed it in a few seconds flat. Klaud and Allen looked on in horror. "ALLEN," he called out, waving the now empty bottle, "ALLEN, I TOLD YOU THAT I NEED THOSE DEBTS PAID."

"But I hate you!" Allen exclaimed, and glanced back at Klaud, "please help me, I don't want to die!"

Another red head entered the area, who Klaud recognized as the conspiracy theorist.

"Allen, I need you to help me record stuff. Us bookmen are constantly watching you, remember?" he called out, "Come on, back to recording!"

Lavi was promptly cut off by a Segway crashing into his face.

"But I was supposed to kill him and wake up the 14th," Kanda Yuu interjected, "you can't record him today; he's supposed to be busy getting stabbed."

"Bow ch-"

"NO!" they all shouted.

Lavi sulked and shut up.

"What the hell is going on this time?" Klaud demanded. The three idiots (being Cross, Lavi, and Kanda) stopped what they were doing looked to her as though they had forgotten she was standing between them all. Seeing as how Allen might break his hands if he hung onto the floor above them any longer, she helped the British boy get down and shooed him away into the library.

With Allen out of the way, that left her and the three idiots. Lau Jimin looked down disapprovingly at them, silently shaking his head at the mess he was sure they had caused. Klaud didn't notice the evil face it made as it pointed directly at Cross, who would later in life develop a phobia of monkeys.

"They're having trouble deciding who gets to do what today," a female voice called out from the upper level. A chinese woman jumped down through the hole in the ceiling to greet them, at which Cross flipped the fuck out in his drunken stupor. "Lavi wants to do his Bookman thing, but Allen has to pay General Cross's debts quickly otherwise those loan sharks will come here. Then there's Kanda," she gestured over to the impatient samurai, "who wants to hurry up with our drawn-out storyline so he can stab Allen and get to the next arc."

Klaud sighed.

"I think that last one can do a little more waiting," she told Kanda. The samurai shrugged, took his Segway and dragged it with him out the door. She turned to Lavi, who was nursing the side of his face that was hit by the vehicle. "And you, can't you observe him while he's doing some debt-paying?"

Lavi shook his head in dismissal. "No, that's too boring."

Cross joined the conversation with drunken slurs. "But Allen's doing stuff like cheating at poker and gambling. How is that not exciting?" They could barely understand what he said, but they managed to comprehend and they were certain that this was what he tried to say.

Unsure if he'd heard right, Lavi responded. "Well, he gets kind of scary. That's all."

"He isn't berry!" Cross shouted, and chucked his wine bottle at the poor bookman. "Don't call him a fucking _fruit!"_

Klaud was certain that this was where Allen's advice came in. Following the instructions she'd read earlier, Klaud quietly walked away from the insanity, picked up the nearest phone, and called for the mental institution to come pick up their runaway patient.

Two hours later when they finally arrived, Cross managed to scare them away so she had just wasted her time with all of this.

Maybe it was better to just hide in her room, where no one else could go inside. Her neighbors were a bit loud- as her room was unfortunately between Socalo and Miranda. Socalo was constantly killing things and devising insane plans to cause hell for everyone else, and Miranda was constantly apologizing for every little thing that went wrong.

Klaud soon enough forgot about poor Allen's advice, forgetting why she even bothered as Cross went in search of his apprentice. She didn't care enough to save the boy when she heard his horrified screaming, or his pleas for someone to help him escape from the lunatics, but she did feel bad that she was leaving poor Allen to the mercy of the worst drunk ever. To apologize, maybe she would get an appropriate card from Hallmark and bake a banana bread. Otherwise, interfering would mean taking part in this madness, and she wasn't about to lose her title as the most normal person in the building. She had a reputation to uphold.

As such, Allen was left to suffer, thus completing another chapter 101 Failed Attempts.

And it was good.

._.

Attempt: reaching out through his book

Foiled by: Klaud's indifference

Okay, I feel like I've actually accomplished something today. *goes to sleep*


	64. Chapter 64

101 Attempts- Oh God

Title: No, Allen, don't do it!

A/N: It's all a lie, Allen O.O … Also, this chapter contains underage drinking. Just to warn you :)

._.

"Are you sure the akuma is over here?"

The voice of Cross Marian spoke into the communication device that allowed him to speak with Allen, who was currently sifting through the refrigerator for food. Allen hummed a positive response, and peered into the back of the fridge to look for something good to eat. When he saw there was nothing too appealing, Allen shut the door but moments later opened it again, because that's what people do when they're scavenging the house for food. He was really hungry, but his master wouldn't let him rest for a single moment to satisfy his growling stomach.

Under the impression that Allen was where he claimed to be, Cross split the town for their patrol. Cross got one half, while Allen took care of the other. Allen didn't want to do that, so he had lied and sent Cross on a wild goose chase while Allen got to relax at home. Allen had a feeling that he would land himself in trouble for this later, but for now he didn't care.

"Allen, there's no one here. The alley you told me to go to is a dead end. There's also graffiti all over the walls," Cross sounded annoyed at being led around. "Where are you right now?"

Allen Walker laughed into his hand. The phone was on speaker so that the entire party in the background could hear, and they all knew what Allen was up to for today. After assembling various friends- usually he lied and said he didn't have any, but who could possibly hate Allen Walker? He was just too adorable to hate- and hiring the hookers, not one but many hookers, he had informed all partygoers that today he was ditching work and assigned someone to look out for the angry drunk red haired man with an eyepatch in case he figured out what he was actually doing.

Right now he was keeping his cover. His guardian would call him on the occasion for information, and Allen would supply false info and suggest Cross keep moving north. It was genius.

It was also kind of stupid because that was exactly what he had told his master for the past ten hours. The party started ten hours ago, and was still going, because damn it the party don't stop.

He coughed to disguise his amusement. "Umm, I'm in the market place nearby all of these food stalls. I got kind of hungry-" which was true "-so I'm taking a short break. I'm on the west side of town." He took grabbed last night's leftovers and avoided the junk food from the party. The leftovers were slid onto a plate and put in the microwave, then set for one or two minutes to heat. Allen looked into the still-open fridge and took the container labeled "TOTALLY NON-ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE."

Which was totally an alcoholic beverage. Cross tried to hide the alcohol around Allen after recognizing he was being somewhat of a bad role model. His methods of making himself look a little better involved replacing the labels on any drink so they said other things, and taking the hookers elsewhere. Allen wasn't stupid though. He knew what his guardian was trying to do and while he appreciated the thought and effort, it was still a crappy job.

Normally, the only time Allen touched alcohol was when he was amusing himself by throwing the empty bottles out the window and trying to see how many civilians he could hit. Today he was just plain bored and didn't want to be the goody two shoes Allen Walker, and planned to get extremely drunk just to amuse the audience with intoxicated antics.

That was exactly what he did the moment he hung up on Cross.

-...-

He had no idea who these people were. At some point in the party, his friends had been kicked out by some weird people claiming to be exorcists. They wore the same coat as his guardian- the black uniform with trimming- only theirs was silver so Allen assumed that while the gold meant the exorcist dealt with demons, that the silver meant these exorcists specialized in werewolves. Allen didn't complain when they barged in. His only annoyance was that they kept trying to advance the D Gray Man storyline by breaking the fourth wall.

Being drunk also had something to do with him not caring too much, but he ignored that for now. He had other issues to attend to. That being the weird vampire dude named Krory who was crying about some woman named Eliade. Allen wasn't sure what to do with that, but he put his arm around the Romanian exorcist and showed him over to the bodacious women who he had hired before these strange people invaded the party. Krory quickly shut up as the hookers led him away, leaving Allen alone with the others.

"Allen-kun, don't you remember us?" Miranda Lotto, who had never once had any actual dialogue before, spoke up nervously and fidgeted like a complete wreck as she glanced around at the borrowed upscale motel room. It was a very nice room, mostly clean save for the mess of alcohol bottles (Allen's fault) rolling around on the ground in a makeshift bowling game, with the bottles as the pins and some random household object as the bowling ball. The couch was occupied by Allen, some Chinese woman, a Japanese swordsman, some bald guy named Noise Marie, and a weird guy with two dots on his forehead. It was pretty crowded on the couch, especially with Allen squeezed between the woman and the swordsman, and he would offer the woman a seat but it was already crowded enough as it was.

Behind the leather couch stood more of the intruders. There was a guy that nobody liked called Chaozii Ham, a brat called Timoppy Hurts, and a super buff guy with the gold lining of a general who he thought was named Summers Zocalo. The names went something like that; Allen didn't care enough to get them right. These were people he would probably never see ever again, and he pretended that they didn't exist.

Lurking near the door and speaking in low voices to each other were two other people with the golden trimmings. One was a young woman with blonde hair and a scarred face with a monkey. Allen had been introduced to everyone as they walked in single-file, and her named sounded something like "Cloud Nine." What an embarrassing thing to be called. And the other guy was a somewhat old man with old white hair and a funny mustache. His name was Kevin Yeegar.

There was one more guy in the corner making a picture, but Allen didn't notice him much because he was quiet. The noise from the makeshift bowling behind them was too distracting. He looked over his shoulder to see Zocalo destroy yet another wine bottle. He shrugged and turned back to the polite woman.

"Nope!" he answered merrily. So many sentences had passed in that briefing by the author that he had forgotten what the original question was. Also, the booze might have a hand in that, but he blamed it on the author instead. "Do you want some wine?" he offered a nice bottle that he found in the back of the fridge.

Miranda blushed furiously and refused the offer. "It's okay, Allen-kun! Uh, I'll wait until you remember us, and then we'll all have a drink or two," she promised. "Does that sound good?"

Allen agreed though he knew he would never touch alcohol ever again after this.

The samurai next to him secretly began to take out his sword to stab Allen out of some homicidal rage. Allen was about to comment on how shiny the sword was, but a young man with red hair and an eyepatch over the right eye came out of nowhere and stopped him.

Allen promptly flipped the hell out.

To explain his distress, the designated watchman wasn't at his post watching the door. That watchman was somewhere else in the room, in a darker corner playing poker with the hookers and hoodlums. The door had opened very abruptly, and then he had only seen the red hair and panicked. Because who else had red hair and a covered right eye? Also, since he was convinced this was Cross, Allen panicked even further because his master suddenly got younger.

"Cross, what the hell happened to you and your beard?" Allen shrieked. He stashed the alcohol bottles underneath the couch, kicking them into hiding spots while the others watched on in amusement. "And why the hell did you get younger? That's not how getting old works!"

The red-haired younger version of Cross took complete advantage of this situation.

"Oh on the contrary," he began,"as time passes, an individual will grow younger. You see, human beings are born as old and wrinkly elderly people in wheelchairs and nursing homes. As they drink alcohol, they get younger and younger! Without alcohol, one will continue to look old and wrinkly. This has been my secret throughout the years to looking so good, you know!"

Allen's foot accidentally broke one of the bottles.

"But yesterday I went on a huge drinking binge and I became super youthful," 'Cross' continued and then gestured at Allen's hair. "I've been slipping some alcohol here and there into your water so that you wouldn't warp into an old man," and at this, Allen nearly fainted, "but I see that you've actually been doing some drinking yourself! I was so worried that you weren't getting the right amount because your hair was still white. I see a little red at the roots, so maybe you just needed a larger amount of alcohol, what with being a parasitic type and all..."

The drunk something-year-old continued to freak out as the not-Cross continued to sprout lies upon lies. Allen believed every single on of them because somehow in his intoxicated stupor it all made sense, and clung onto every word that this guy was saying. The other exorcists didn't know what to think of this idiocy.

One hour later they gave up on following the story, but Allen was still listening.

"-but this is where the author comes in. Her name is OrangeMoonGoddess, and she's been fucking with all of our lives," he said, to which Allen nodded as he nursed an alcoholic beverage in his hands. "She's been doing all this weird time hopping and none of us can follow or create any sort of timeline because she's constantly hopping around with her so-called story."

"I'm a butterfly," Allen slurred and hiccuped. He lowered his head to rest it on the floor. "Pretty pretty butterfly."

"Yes, yes, of course. So my proposal is that we locate her headquarters. We need to know where her base of operations is, and then we can start planning how to take her down and make her abdicate her position as author of the story. What we want is normalcy, peace, and tranquility! We don't want any of this nonsense and fourth-wall breaking she's been spewing out."

"Pretty butterflies,"Allen giggled.

"The moment she abdicates, Kanda will take over as the writer of the story," the not-Cross promised. "He's one of the most normal and same people around, and he will be collaborating with Klaud and Tiedoll. They're fairly stable people I think..."

Allen stopped listening and joined the hoodlums and hookers over at the gambling table. It was much more interesting than his master's dumb ideas. At first he had been intrigued by the entire "alcohol makes people youthful" thing, but then not-Cross went into this whole conspiracy theory and it went downwards from there.

The front door opened again, and Allen glared at the designated doorman. He punched the doorman in the shoulder, and the force of the punch sent him flying into the wall. He glared even harder when he heard who walked in.

"Allen," came a low, angry growl.

Allen swore and stumbled over to the corner where Tiedoll was. He motioned for everyone to hide, but they had all recognized Cross's voice and scurried to the safety of under the couch. Allen noted that the couch would be an excellent place to hide sometime. As the bottom of the couch was occupied, he pretended to be a lamp in hopes he wouldn't be noticed.

Unfortunately, Cross knew what was going on right away.

"Allen, what the fuck have you been doing these past twelve hours?" he shouted and immediately went for Allen's disguise, tearing off the lamp part and leaving poor Allen exposed. "You haven't been working at all, have you?" he bellowed, and gestured towards the hoodlums and hookers playing poker in the corner. "Then you go and throw a party without my permission!"

"Butterflies," Allen slurred through bubbly laughter.

Cross rolled his eyes.

"Oh, and of course you're drunk on the one day that I decide not to be!" he then cursed under his breath, turning towards the couch. "And I can see all of you under there. I'm not stupid, you bastards."

The entire D Gray Man cast came out from under the couch. Allen meanwhile hopped onto Cross's back for a piggyback ride, ruining the angry man effect to a degree.

"Seriously, why the hell does shit go down the few times I decide to be serious?" he exclaimed and tried to shake off Allen, giving up when the white-haired not-yet-somewhat exorcist refused to let go. He gave in and allowed Allen to ride on his back, but only this once. "And why the hell are you assholes messing with the storyline? You're not supposed to be here!"

The not-Cross spoke up and introduced himself first.

"Okay, I know this looks bad. First, my name is-"

"I DON'T CARE!" Cross raged.

The other went on. "My name is Lavi, and I'm a bookman. We came here to request that you start collaborating with us instead of blindly following the Author's orders." The red-haired junior bookman then backed away from the angry general, along with the rest of the crew.

Allen continued to laugh and talk about butterflies.

Speaking of butterflies, and other completely unrelated subjects and intruders.

The Noah family, which hadn't been in the story for a very long time, freely let themselves inside Cross and Allen's lodging. First came Tyki, then came his weirdo brother, then came Road, the Jasdevi freak, then Lulu Bell, Wisely, and then the rest. Oh, and the Millennium Earl. The author forgot the rest of the Noah family and didn't bother herself with trying to look them up. Only a few of them were actually relevant to what little plot there was.

That being Tyki, Road, and the Earl. The rest were unimportant.

"Guyyyysss," Allen whined, "the room is getting too crowded. Can some of you like... go away maybe?"

But nobody wanted to leave because they all considered themselves important.

"The hookers stay by the way," Allen added.

The hookers rejoiced.

Everyone else merely stood there.

"All minor characters out," Cross ordered the crowd. "All of you! Even the hookers- I don't care who you are or what you've done or what this idiot says; I want you all to get the hell out."

The hookers ceased their rejoicing, sulked, and departed with the hoodlums. The other minor characters whose names Allen didn't bother to remember from earlier then left. Chaozii Ham, Timoppy Hurts and Summers Zocalo, and then some of the Noah family and other exorcist exited the motel.

They were probably loitering about outside while they waited for their friends, though, so Allen stumbled off of Cross's back and began to chuck empty bottles of alcohol out the window, trying to hit the minor characters with them and failing as his vision was impaired by his intoxication.

"So why are you here?" Cross looked to the present Noahs. The exorcists were ignored completely.

The present Noahs were the most popular of the bunch. The Earl (being the villain and therefore kind of really important), Road the psychopathic little girl, and Tyki who was often made fun of for his title as the Noah of Pleasure and for other, various reasons. They stood on one side of the room, whereas the exorcists were huddled around the couch.

From earlier, the Chinese woman, the homicidal man with the sword, and then Lavi. The generals had all left, and Allen was currently chucking alcohol bottles at them (as they were, essentially, minor characters). The room suddenly had a bit of a vacant feeling, but the space had been occupied by about thirty plus people when it was meant to hold at the most twelve.

"Allen invited us," Road answered for the three. "It's too bad he's drunk right now though."

Lavi stepped into the conversation. "Actually, no, he's been drinking because alcohol makes us normal-exorcist humans live longer." The woman and samurai beside him face-palmed, but the Noahs turned their full attention to the bookman.

Allen, meanwhile, was tuning everyone out.

"Oh no. NO," Cross shook his head, "we are NOT doing this again."

The exorcists were then booted out of the motel.

"So you're only here because Allen invited you," Cross confirmed. He was looking at the Noahs like they might attack him or his apprentice at any given moment. He kept an eye out especially for the girl, who kept staring at Allen. "If you're going to try anything funny- like trying to wake up the Noah inside of him-"

"Allen is a Noah?" Tyki echoed. "Since when? Which one?"

"Fourteenth, Neah. But if you-"

The Noahs didn't hear any of that, however. They were only interested in that one detail.

"HOLY mother of..." Road suddenly smiled and now looking at Allen in a different light. "Allen's a Noah?"

Cross face-palmed.

He rushed over to Allen and pulled him away from the window. The Noahs were talking amongst themselves, and so he used this time to grab their things and skedaddle. There was no way he was going to let anyone advance the plot line. He was under direct orders to keep things at a stalemate, and he intended to do his job for once.

He shoved their things into their suitcases and allowed Allen to wander the room as he did this. He was still pissed off that his apprentice got drunk the one day the he wasn't, then threw a party and invited everyone inside except for him. Cross grabbed Allen again and dragged him out of the room, where they were stopped by the three Noahs in the hallway.

Tyki was holding a pot of coffee. Cross knew where this was headed.

"We made some coffee to help wake up Neah- I mean help him get sober," Tyki lied and failed.

"That's not how it works, numb-nuts."

Cross took Allen's coffee for himself, stepped around these blockheads, and dragged Allen the hell out of the motel and past every minor and secondary or helping character.

Then he absconded the hell out of that place, because he simply wasn't drunk enough for the crack that would ensue if the chapter went on for any longer. With Allen drunk, Cross not drunk, and every character from D Gray Man congregated outside their motel and now following them, he didn't want to risk anything else going wrong. This fanfiction was already strange enough as it was, and he didn't want it to become any more so.

Again.

He wasn't drunk enough for any of this.

incase you missed it

attempt: pretending to be a lamp in hopes that Cross would miss him and he could later slip away

foiled by: really?

Closing statements now.

Allen Walker is a butterfly.

Flutter flutter.

Now that would be a complete twist if Allen was the one constantly getting drunk O_o Can you guys think of what he might say or do?


	65. Chapter 65

101 Attempts: Uh Oh, Is that a PLOT I smell? Oh dear lord no, someone up a window quick!

A/N: I just looked back at all the other chapters and realized how insane they were. Worth it. It was SO worth it.

._.

OrangeMoonGoddess enjoyed brief self-insertions into her stories. She did it mostly out of boredom, and when she wrote, she usually wrecked up a complete mess for the others involved in her written work.

For example: Allen Walker.

Poor Allen Walker was almost always the victim as bullying him resulted in over-the-top reactions and extreme drama. The drama wasn't caused by Allen Walker himself, but the idiots around him. They weren't the real characters, but based off the very same ones from their original world, D Gray Man. They were the more exaggerated versions of the characters, and then poor Allen who was less-exaggerated. It wouldn't do to have herself interacting with these newer versions of a series that rarely updated, rather it would be better to have them speak with someone somewhat normal that they knew.

Hence Allen's somewhat-normalness. Allen, being the most sensible of the characters, quickly figured out what the authoress was up to. This was a problem for the authoress, as Allen intervened with her plans and on one occasion, attempted to off her to end the madness.

But the authoress was the one writing the story, so she solved this problem by creating 101 Failed Attempts and giving the poor boy the worst luck known to mankind. She reversed and forwarded his age (even once considering turning him into an old man) and jumped around to destroy any sort of storyline Allen would be able to follow, making things all the more difficult for him, and she had also enlisted the help of the drunkard.

Hiring the drunkard- coincidentally the boy's guardian- was a huge advantage. Being a drunk, no one questioned him for anything he did. He acted as the scapegoat most of the times, and did an excellent job of fucking shit up for Allen. He knew when to act serious and was actually a hard worker. The only problem was that he got drunk far too often. She let this slide because of his cooperation.

With Cross Marian working for her, and using the other characters to stomp on any chance of rebellion on Allen's part, OrangeMoonGoddess was able to write as she pleased.

Sometimes she forgot why she bothered entirely, though.

Oh wait.

She didn't have anything else to do to keep her occupied.

Other than schoolwork. She hated schoolwork and presentations and other annoying students. How she hated this. She hated this just as much as characters who tried to fight the system.

That said and done, OrangeMoonGoddess ended her self-insertion and continued to write freely. She wasn't allowed to interfere much with her story, and when she was, it was only to a certain degree.

That degree being the x in the unknown degree in the damned geometry problem she was trying to solve.

God how she hated math.

._.

The plan was to tell Cross that he had a job on the other side of the world and that no, I can't tell you, it's a secret, and hope that his master would let him leave.

Unfortunately, all of the odds were out of his favor.

"How the hell did you manage to score a job in this economy?" Was the very first thing he said to Allen.

Allen forgot about that detail honestly, but he ignored that. "No, no, it's on the other side of the world. In uh, Antarctica, I think."

"You _think?" _Cross frowned and narrowed his eyes. Eye. Only one of them was visible; the other was covered by a mask.

Cross wasn't buying any of this. Allen could only blink in disbelief; his master was supposed to be drunk right now. Why wasn't he listening to him? Allen was certain that he had seen his master crash into the liquor store with that horse- while claiming he wasn't technically drinking and driving- rob said store, and later down every last drop with those hookers he hired.

"I don't know; I'm pretty sure they said it was Antarctica," Allen further lied. He actually purchased a ticket on a nice cruise ship headed to some place warm. "I hope you don't mind me leaving for a while…"

Act polite, Allen.

"… but it pays well, so I agreed to that offer."

His master's eyes were still narrowed, obviously skeptic about Allen's claim. Allen sighed; he hated it when his master wasn't drunk. Life was so much easier when he was, and when he wasn't, he was extremely critical and hard on his apprentice. His sober behavior made Allen feel uncomfortable. It was as though he was being analyzed every moment in the man's presence. It was like he was a criminal and his master was the psychologist making his psychological profile.

Seriously, Cross scared him when he was sober.

Allen tried offering alcohol, but Cross looked at the clock on the side and shook his head, dismissing the offer because it was the morning.

Allen was completely, utterly shocked.

Cross is refusing a drink?

"Master, are you feeling okay?" Allen asked. "The time of the day usually doesn't stop you…."

"I'm not constantly drinking, idiot!" Cross shouted, causing Allen to jump in surprise and back away at the man's sudden outburst. Cross had been lounging on the couch- and as always, not leaving any room for anyone else- but now he was sitting up straight and frowning deeply.

He knew this was supposed to be a parody with chapters that were extremely crack-ish, but this chapter was getting kind of serious. The white-haired boy didn't know what to think about that. He was already treading in dangerous waters as it was.

Awkwardly and uncertain of what he should do, Allen coughed into his elbow and began to walk away. Maybe he should just start packing his bags and vamoose. The departure was the next day and it was never good to pack at the last second. He had learned that from all of time times he'd been forced to pack his belongings and run after wherever his master had gone (after paying the debts, of course). Packing hastily always resulted in some forgotten items.

Most of the time, those important items were things like his passport, fake identities (useful for when running away from Cross's loan sharks), and his money. Or he would lose his money because Cross stole it to buy alcohol or hire hookers. Same thing.

As Allen didn't want to lose any more money, he left the living room to go to his own. His cash was the first thing that he secured in his suitcase. The second was his last box of Twinkies. Those things were near extinct, and he definitely didn't want to leave his poor Twinkies to Cross's mercy. Who _knew_ what that man would do? Once Allen had left his groceries unattended, and he returned to find all of the produce smashed. It had been a mess trying to clean up the mess of bananas and watermelon. Cross must have been trying to make a smoothies or something. Allen didn't even want to get started on what his master did to the cucumbers. He suspected his master had been on a heavy alcohol binge that day. But with that said, Allen didn't trust Cross with anything he owned, and would rather not see good food wasted.

At any rate, he was packing his belongings by their importance. Money, food, clothes, comics, strange hats, colorful gloves, rolls of ribbons (it was better to have more than one, since his nice red one sometimes got dirty), and then the least important being his actual ticket, passport, and fake identities. He was going to get on the boat either way, ticket or no ticket.

As he packed with his back to the door, Cross peered into his room and quietly slipped inside. Allen was just about finished and going over what he had when he realized he didn't have his toothbrush. God dang it! He always forgot the toothbrush. He turned around, but screamed like a little girl when he saw who was standing over him.

"FUUUUUUU-" Allen quickly covered his mouth and backed away, red in the face from embarrassment. "Master, don't do that!"

Cross only kneeled down to open the suitcase. The Twinkies spilled out first, to which Cross said nothing. Then he went straight for Allen's wallet. Allen's shoulders slumped, and he was about to comment when his master took a good look at a certain ticket.

Which… also had his actual destination.

"Yeah, job," Cross looked up at him after a sarcastic roll of the eyes. "Allen, this is a one-way ticket to a Hawaiian island. Not Antarctica."

Busted. Busted, busted, busted.

"…"

"Allen."

"…"

Freaking busted.

"You're grounded. For life."

Allen shrugged again.

"Is this where I say it was worth a try?"

Cross responded to this by calling over Timcanpy and telling the golem to watch over Allen. The golem nodded and settled itself on top of Allen's head, glaring down at the boy demonically. Allen bit his bottom lip as his master left the room, wanting to scream for the man not to leave him alone with Tim.

But he didn't, because he knew Cross wouldn't do anything either way.

Meanwhile, Timcanpy started to bite at his ear.

Correction: his _bleeding_ ear.

._.

Attempt: Lying about work and intending to never return

Foiled by: Cross saw the actual ticket.


	66. Chapter 66

101 Attempts - Plane Ticket

Title: These Methods Are Becoming More Realistic

._.

"Master, I'm leaving."

It wasn't the "I'm leaving for school" kind of goodbye, neither was it a "I'm about to die so I'll never see you again" kind of bye, not even a "I'm going out to get groceries" goodbye. It was the kind of goodbye that said: I'm moving and I'm not telling you where I'm going so you can't stalk me.

Cross didn't like any sort of goodbye to begin with, so his first natural response to his sudden loss of apprentice was shock and denial.

"What?" he exclaimed. Cross shot up from his seat at the table and grabbed Allen, who didn't resist being dragged up into the air. "You're not leaving! You can't leave me," he frowned at his apprentice and shook him back and forth.

Allen rolled his eyes.

This pushed Cross into his second stage of loss: guilt.

"Oh god, this is all my fault, isn't it?" Cross dropped Allen and the boy moved away from him quickly. "I knew I shouldn't have taken the last Klondike bar." Nervously, Cross paced back and forth as he went over his wrong-doings. "I shouldn't have made you pay my debts, either. I should have let you live a normal life of TV-watching laziness instead of an action-packed life of epic."

Third stage: Anger/Bargaining

"You ungrateful little brat!" Cross swore and picked up Allen, who filed his nails as he waited for Cross to stop his drama show. "All I wanted to do was to make sure you paid my debts! God, Allen, you're so high-maintenance and selfish!" Cross complained. "What do I have to do to make you stay?"

Allen looked up from his nails. "Money," he answered. "I'll do anything for money. I'll stay if you give me money," the boy promised.

It was too late, because Cross had already moved onto the next stage: Depression

"I am depressed." Cross shrugged, not knowing how to display this emotion.

Having lost interest in the conversation, Allen freed himself from Cross's grip and went to get his luggage. The plane was going to leave in two hours, but he had to be there way earlier. He dragged the suitcases to the doorway, but only succeeded in bringing his stuff halfway through the hall.

Cross saw this and decided to help. Quietly, he picked up the luggage and Allen smiled. _What a nice guy_, he thought. Then Cross put it back in their shared room, stepped out of the room and took Allen too. Allen could only think that he should have known better that his master wouldn't just let him leave.

Allen let out an annoyed huff of air, then resigned and sat on the edge of his bed. Figuring he may as well see what his master wanted, Allen let him say what he wanted.

It took Cross thirty minutes to understand what Allen meant by "leaving," and it took fifteen more minutes for Allen to realize that his master was actually stalling for time. His master first seized the ticket in a demand to know what it said. After about a quarter of an hour later, Allen asked to have it back because the drunken general was only staring at the ticket, his eyes not moving at all. Allen had taken it back, but then Cross jumped at him, demanding to know what it said.

"What does this word say?" Cross asked, pointing to the small text on Allen's plane ticket.

Allen looked down to see what it said. "Destination… Liberty City*…"

Cross nodded. He pointed to another random point on the small sheet of paper "I see. And this word?"

"Master," Allen frowned. "I need to leave."

A smug smile fit itself onto Cross's face and suddenly Timcanpy crashed through the windows. The golem tackled Allen to the floor and growled at him, almost as if he knew Allen had tried to get away from them.

"Bitch," Timcanpy growled. He burped and a scrap of metal flew out of his mouth, hitting Allen in the head.

Warily, Allen looked up to his master.

"Master?... Did Timcanpy just…"

"Tim ate the plane like I told him too," Cross confirmed. "Looks like you'll be staying for a little longer."

"…"

Allen was so upset by this that he took his luggage, threw it at his master, and then set himself on fire in his mad rage.

To the side, Cross watched his apprentice vent out his anger. Remembering their conversation from earlier, he took out his wallet and waved a dollar bill at his idiot. The fire put itself out and Allen was calmed instantly. He was back at his master's side in less than a second after seeing the cash._ Just like a hooker_, Cross thought.

Cross put the money in Allen's face, then hid it from sight. Allen lost interest. Cross took out the money again, and Allen's gaze focused on the money put in front of him.

"I'll give you this if you stay," Cross offered.

"Deal!" Allen shouted and grabbed the money. He put it in his pocket, but then Cross made a hole in Allen's pants to take it back.

Allen didn't notice.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Buying a plane ticket to some place

Foiled by: Timcanpy eats the plane

*Apparently that's a real place.


	67. Chapter 67

101 Attempts - The Island Part 1

Title: This Is All Your Fault. Yours, too.

Summary: AU-ish world. So their boat may or may not have sank because of Cross's drinking. Allen is stranded on an island with these idiots and starts to build a raft for himself to escape, whereas Lavi mass-produces SOS signs but he doesn't even remember what it means anymore. Bookman is mostly useless.

._.

For every tear Allen had shed on this island, Lavi the Bookman had created a distress signal. Which was a lot, the white-haired boy thought as he watched the redhead draw another 'SOS' signal into the ground with a stick. For every frustrated scream Allen let out, Cross had harassed him out of boredom. This included hanging Allen upside down from trees, waking him up in the middle of the night only to find his master practically on top of him, constantly adding "that's what she said" to the end of every phrase that left Allen's mouth. For every "that's what she said," Bookman was absolutely useless. The worst of all of this was that they were stranded, and would be until someone did something.

That someone would have to be Allen, because none of his companions were doing anything to help them escape. They had become stranded since Cross may or may not have thrown the captain overboard for being a "dirty bastard," while Bookman didn't do anything to warn them about the oncoming storm he was looking out for. Then the storm came, the ship got wrecked, and then they ended up stranded. Days on end for Allen were thus spent gathering materials and constructing his one-person escape raft. He didn't care about the others, because they actually seemed to be enjoying themselves (Cross in particular- the ship's supply of alcohol had unfortunately come along with them to shore). Allen didn't see what was so great about being trapped on a large tropical island with nice weather, no other people, abundant resources, and a vast sea one could swim in without the fear of sharks approaching.

Wait.

Allen paused his building as he re-thought that. Well, under normal circumstances this would be pretty nice (he hadn't had a vacation in a long time) but the people he was forced to share the island with made living here unbearable. Allen continued his construction and made sure to keep quiet since his master was behind him with the local hookers. There were always hookers around. Everywhere they went, the hookers followed. He wasn't sure what to think about that, and assumed that this would become a normal part of his life.

Allen wiped the sweat from his forehead and rolled up his sleeves. A heat wave had hit them just the other day and he didn't know how long it would last. He hoped not long, because the heat was starting to make him feel sick. As if his body were trying to prove that, he sneezed.

"That's what she said," Cross said and poked Allen's cheek.

"That doesn't make sense!" Allen snapped at his master as he spun around angrily to face the man. Because of the heat, Cross had taken off his heavy coat and was now using it as a beach towel. His heavier layers of clothing had been put to the side somewhere.

Cross shrugged. "That's what she said."

'Guy's a broken record,' Allen thought to himself privately, frowning at his master before returning to his raft construction.

Only the raft and supplies weren't there. He looked up to see that Lavi and Bookman had started a bonfire for the setting sun, roasting captured fish on sticks. He fell to his knees in shock, his hard work over the past two weeks ruined. His one chance at escape had been destroyed. For a fire. The eleven-year-old boy heard his master roar with laughter at his misery and the others join in.

Allen screamed and pulled at his hair.

"That's what she said!" Cross clapped his hands and stood as he tried not to double over laughing. Allen started to cry and roll on the sandy floor as he pulled at his hair, throwing a temper tantrum. He screamed louder and Cross laughed so hard he nearly fell over. "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

Allen abruptly stood and clawed at his own head as he stormed away. He practically ran into the jungle screaming to the heavens for being so cruel to him. Why did he have to be trapped here with these people? Allen was so occupied with his fuming that he didn't see the obvious pitfall and stepped on top of it. He fell into the hole and twitched when he saw his master and the others crouching over the edge up above.

"Alright, who built this?"

"That's what she said," Cross whispered.

Allen twitched. Lavi looked to Bookman, who shook his head. For a moment he thought it may have been Timcanpy who built the trap, but the golem had left to find the nearest town for assistance. Allen sat up and brushed the twigs off of him, and noticed a tunnel just across from him. He crawled over on his knees to get a better look, and saw that there was a small light coming from inside. Allen went inside and ignored his master's snickering as he disappeared into the tunnel.

The ground was damp and Allen got mud on himself as he went deeper inside. Maybe being stuck down here wasn't so bad, he thought. At least he was all by himself. He blinked through the darkness and finally entered a small cave. A little flickering lamp hung from the low ceiling but Allen was able to stand without hitting it. Against the wall was a treasure chest, and out of curiosity he opened it and gaped. Inside of it...

...

Inside... was...

Allen closed the chest and pulled a face. He wrinkled his nose in disgust but remained in the cave, not wanting to go outside to face those weirdos. He wrapped his arms around himself and banged his head against the wall he faced. The treasure chest creaked open and Allen glared at none other than the redheaded Bookman junior whose face instantly heated up at the findings.

"Hey, Allen, do you think you can leave for a while? These findings need to be- uh, recorded," Lavi asked of the suffering white-haired boy who couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You know. Because I'm a Bookman, and I read all sorts of... literature."

Allen hightailed it out of there after punching Lavi in the face. His master sat outside waiting for his apprentice whose hiding place was about to be made unholy. Allen sat beside him with a terrified face, knowing it would be a while until the Bookman made a ladder they could use to escape. Until then, Allen was stuck down at the bottom of this trap with the two people he hated the most in the whole world. There was no place for him to hide. Nothing was sacred.

Cross put his hand on Allen's shoulder as if reading his mind.

"That's what she said," he comforted his now crying apprentice.

Allen sobbed harder.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Trying to escape into the jungle

Foiled by: Pit fall

Sorry Cross, you only get one line.

It gets worse next chapter.

Review? ._.


	68. Chapter 68

101 attempts island part 2

In case you don't remember, Lavi and Bookman traveled with Allen and Cross for awhile to observe the Destroyer of Time. They didn't really do anything back then either.

Oh, and by the way.

This is the shittiest story yet.

._.

Eventually Bookman managed to craft a ladder so they could escape. It took him about two days what with him being distracted by the hookers and all, and only managed to get to work when Lavi convinced Bookman to shove all of the whores into the hole with them. To which Cross muttered under his breath as each hooker fell "that's what she said." Allen could only look on with dismay. He personally thought it was ridiculous how much time was consumed on a single ladder. Even then, looking at their makeshift ladder, it definitely shouldn't have taken that long. The "ladder" was Lavi's hammer, which had earlier fallen apart, and all Bookman had done was reassemble it with glue and thrown it down to them so they could leave. Cross was amused by how a few of them were forced to climb the pole, but his snickering had them realize what exactly they were doing and so they were pulled up instead of climbing on their own.

After getting out of the pitfall, Allen continued to storm away from the group. That was probably a stupid action since the last time he had done so, he had ended up trapped with the two people he hated the most at this time, and so he _walked briskly_ instead. The hookers looked after him, as though they wanted to follow him across the island. Hookers tended to do that. And seeing as Allen was the one with the money- which he always was- they abandoned Cross and went after the money.

Allen asked the nice ladies to scatter themselves around the island to distract anyone who may try to follow him. He was sure that Lavi at the very least would try; the weirdo had no one to talk to that was his age. That meant that Allen was forced to try to strike conversation, however awkward, so that Bookman and Cross didn't need to talk to the chatterbox. They wouldn't exactly talk, though; it was more suffering than conversing.

As he hid himself in some tree, Allen compared said chatterbox to a Jigglypuff. That obnoxious, light red creature from Pokemon that insisted on singing to everyone and was guaranteed to scribble on their face if its audience fell asleep, which was always. Like the Jigglypuff, Lavi wanted to talk to everyone. Should the person he was talking to fall asleep, he would draw on the poor sucker's face and walk off with a smug satisfaction. This had happened to Allen once, long ago when he was older and on a train during a filler arc in an anime. He was basically trying to tell the audience what a giant prick Lavi was.

Only part of that explanation made sense. Allen recognized that as he climbed up the tree and made his way up to the higher branches. He dangled his legs off the edge and made sure he was safe before daring to relax. Hopefully he would get at least a few minutes to himself up here. He had no idea how the others always found him. It wasn't like he had a tracking device on him.

Wait, he didn't have something like that on him, right? Allen warily looked himself over and at the inside of his shirt, searching for any possible transmitting devices. He found no such things on his person, to his relief. At least as far as he knew, there wasn't anything on him; he had a hard time trying to check his back.

Moments after his search, a golden golem rose to his level, flapping its wings as it swung its tail back and forth. Allen sighed and looked beneath him, where everyone else trapped in this hell hole congregated around his tree of safety. It was like an obnoxious social gathering of monkeys literally feet beneath him, each one chattering very loudly, hands reaching upwards as though demanding the bushel of bananas that he didn't have.

He hated it when these people did this. Allen scowled down at the faces beneath him, hissing at them to go away and amuse themselves some other way. Under normal circumstances, he would have thrown something into the mass to distract them, but there was nothing to sacrifice other than himself. Allen tried to point away from himself, screaming "look everyone, it's a monster!" but no one seemed to hear him, and he was ignored as the grabbing hands seized the trunk of the tree, shaking it to scare him into coming down.

What the heck did these people want? Allen had already (reluctantly) handed over whatever money was on him. He tried to show the others the inside of his empty wallet, even tapping out the dust that had collected over time, but to no avail. They didn't care that he didn't have any cash for them to take. They must be trying to get him for another reason currently unknown. Unless they were trying to hurry up and finish this pointless arc? Yeah, that must be it.

Allen was well aware of each chapter's contents. He knew each one always resulted in him failing to escape his master's alcoholic or bastardly tendencies, or the obnoxious behavior of his peers at the Black Order. These were also things he wasn't supposed to be aware of at this point of time, but he knew anyways because he was the main character, Allen Walker: Destroyer of Time. Time had no effect on him, thus the author's time-skipping was utterly pointless. With his master getting drunk in every chapter- and also being an accomplice of the author- the timeline was irrelevant to him. As for characters who remembered past chapters, Allen assumed that their remembering was a sort of passive-aggressive irony on the author's part.

Speaking of time... Allen looked up at the setting sun with squinted eyes. It was starting to set now, and within two hours or so it would become dark. He wondered if he should just give up for the day and jump down, or try to stay in the tree and possibly fall out and crash down as a meteor when he tried to sleep and inevitably fell to Earth by gravity's pulls. Only less dramatic as he previously described.

Beneath him the crowd grew more rowdy. The tree was trembling from the crowd shaking the trunk, and Allen felt as though he were experiencing a 9.9 earthquake on the Richter scale. But if that were really the case, there would be more people dead, and less complaining coming from his mouth. Allen chose to stop exaggerating like a drama queen, because he was certain that it was getting annoying, and distracting the readers from getting to the point of the story.

Which was where Allen inevitably failed at escaping the madness. His mistake, in this instance, was forgetting about Timcanpy and his eating habits.

CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP-

Oh bonernuggets. (1)

The tree fell down, sending Allen straight into the crowd to be caught in the pit and carried away. Cross could be heard saying "that's what she said" amongst the chatting, and Lavi was strangely silent (though Allen later realized he was reading the "treasure" from earlier) while Bookman was being useless by observing this spectacle from a distance without any words to add. The hookers had all returned despite Allen requesting they give him some space. Timcanpy landed on Allen's head innocently, as though he hadn't just eaten half of the tree.

Allen knew not to ask where he was being taken. But what he did want to ask, was if there was something funny in the water here. There probably was.

._.

incase you missed it

Attempt: hiding in a tree

foiled by: Timcanpy ate the tree and Allen got carried off

(1) A word I guess I sort of made up. It's like saying "oh crap." Interpret the meaning as you please. Or don't please.


	69. Chapter 69

I swear to god, this better be the last arc I create. These things go way out of hand.

._.

It turned out that this wasn't a mosh pit around him and that he was in fact being carried up to a volcano to be thrown inside.

Yeah.

FML.

"Why are we doing this?" Allen sighed as the group continued its trek up the volcano. He had stopped resisting after five minutes after realizing how stupid this all was, which forced the previous chapter to end earlier because of his lack of cooperation. He wasn't going to give anyone any satisfaction; his current goal was to do absolutely nothing. That was what he was doing at this very moment.

He was doing nothing.

Doing nothing was actually harder than it looked. As much as Allen wanted to scream at these people for acting stupid, and as much as he wanted to, one, make that mask on Cross's face a complete one (coughcooughpunchhisfacecough), two, slap some duct tape on Lavi's mouth to get him to shut up, and three, yell at Bookman to do something for once, Allen was determined not to do anything at all because that would be giving the readers exactly what they wanted. Doing nothing was his best choice, but it was taking a large portion of his energy to stay put and silent.

He was hoping that by going along with whatever human sacrifice this was this time, that he would- however morbid the thought may be- be free via death, and cheat his way out of hell by tricking the devil into playing cards with him or something. That should work. Hopefully all of this time and chapter hopping would render Cross's status as Satan useless. Allen was certain that he was about fifteen a couple months ago, and since Cross started his new "job" when Allen was maybe... eleven? He didn't know when Cross had become "Satan," but whatever. The point was, that since Allen technically hadn't sold his soul yet, and Cross may or may not be the devil, he had a chance of striking an offer with the retired-not-yet devil.

The retired devil was probably so old that Allen could literally walk out the door from hell and no one would ever know. And he would be free. Unlike in certain TV shows where escaping hell required supernatural assistance (1), but that was beside the point. Allen's plan of doing absolutely nothing was so elaborate, so ingenious that someone should fork over the genius award right now.

"Doing what?" Lavi echoed. It didn't look like he was aware of what he was doing (as in, carrying him up the volcano for sacrifice).

"Sacrificing me! This is the second time this has happened!" Allen snapped and kicked down below- whoops, he nearly sabotaged his "do nothing" plan with that little stunt- at Lavi's head, hoping to snap him out of whatever daze he was in. "What are you people thinking?"

"Thinking what?" came another intelligent response. Totally no sarcasm here.

Allen bit down on his bottom lip to prevent himself from screaming in frustration. Moments later when he tasted copper, Allen realized how bad he was at doing absolutely nothing. He had one job, the easiest job in the world, and somehow he was screwing it up.

"Idiot," came Cross's sneer. Allen blinked in surprise that he was finally speaking like a normal person. "That's what HE said."

Cue sigh.

Allen kicked at Bookman's head, though it took a bit more effort because Bookman was very short. "Bookman, you know things!" he said. Bookman sagely nodded his head at this. "Can you tell me why they're trying to kill me?"

Bookman was quiet about this.

He considered telling the boy, but he wasn't sure if he was allowed to, what with being a Bookman and all. He didn't want to interfere with the sequence of the story, but then again, what story was there? There was an actual plot line with Katsura Hoshino, the creator of their very existence, but he was in truth unable to actually effect that plot in any way. He was allowed to do stuff here, he supposed (seeing as how there was no story), but he was a Bookman nonetheless and this was something he could possibly influence.

He chose not to say anything instead. He didn't need to even explain; everyone knew that he was a Bookman and had his excuses.

Meanwhile, Allen gave up on asking questions. Boy, doing nothing was absolutely taxing! He decided to take a nap; doing nothing was wearing him out.

._.

"So what are we supposed to do?" Lavi questioned once they reached the edge of the volcano, all holding up Allen and ready to throw him in. Arms tired from holding up the soon-to-be sacrifice, they dropped said sacrifice onto the rocky floor.

The group looked between each other, from Cross to Lavi to Bookman to the hookers, and to the fat man with the mustache and the strange smile.

"Oi, fatty, what are you doing here?" Cross didn't seem surprised by the Earl's appearance, rather, he put his arm around one of the hookers and took out his pack of cigarettes and began to pollute the environment like the alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking, and gambling douchecanoe that he was.

Later his pollution would cause thousands upon thousands of innocent little kittens to suffocate in the tainted air he left behind.

The Earl handed over a sheet of paper to the group. It was a set of directions on what they were supposed to do for the rest of the chapter, which Lavi read with disinterest whereas Bookman soaked up the information like a sponge (but neither to share the knowledge nor do anything with it). Cross tore up the paper and used the smaller-portioned strips as rolling paper to create more cigarettes. Another kitten died that day.

"What did it say?" Lavi asked with further disinterest.

Bookman didn't respond because he wasn't sure how this would effect the storyline.

Cross looked at the side of his new cigarettes and shrugged.

The Earl seemed all too willing to give them their instructions, but everyone stopped caring at this point. Lavi was sighing, Bookman was quiet, Cross resumed his daily activities with the hookers (or should we say nightly? Har har), and Allen was sleeping on the ground. No one was listening, and no one wanted to do anything.

In other words, it was just another work day for them.

"Well... if you're all going to just stand around..." The Earl slowly inched over towards Allen, and began to push him into the lava. As he did this, everyone pretended not to see until Allen was ready to fall in.

"Hey, stop that," Cross barked at the Earl. The Earl stopped. "I need him to make me money. And sandwiches!"

The Earl understood Cross's protective behavior and for once, backed off. Money was important. Money bought food, and food was used to make sandwiches. Sandwiches were very important. The Noahs could relate to this, so with this understanding, the Earl left, and everyone went home.

Meaning, there was no point in creating this arc in the first place if all they did was walk home. So to make things interesting, the sky had forty seven tornadoes that day, and the sea was rampant with hurricanes, and the one sailing the ship home was Lavi, who heroically saved everyone from the islands when **_METEORS CRASHED DOWN FROM OUTERSPACE, CARRYING A MUTANT DISEASE THAT COULD POSSIBLY END ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT, AND ALIENS TO BOOT, FORCING LAVI TO TAKE THEM ALL ONE BY ONE WITH HIS BARE HANDS, AND LIKE THE GENIUS HE WAS CREATE A VACCINE THAT WOULD SAVE THEM ALL BECAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY HOW YOU GET RID OF A MUTANT ALIEN DISEASE-_**

-buuuuut... this story was for another day. What is this, _101 Attempts at Saving Everyone's Ass?_ Methinks not.

So, the meteors pretty much killed everyone else who didn't leave the island.

Except Cross and Allen, who Cross actually waited for to wake up after shooing everyone away with the insistence that the boy had a delicate mind and was prone to flipping the fuck out when surrounded by strangers. When Allen woke up he nearly pissed his pants as he saw his master standing over him (plus the fiery meteors looming overhead), but the intimidating man patted him on the head and reassured him that there weren't any hookers, no crazy bookmen, no meteors (when they were all clearly right there, behind them) and that it was only a fat man that wanted to kill him because he had a freakish left hand. That didn't calm Allen down at all.

Cross pretended to be concerned, but in reality, all he wanted was for his apprentice to make him a sandwich. One percent of him actually cared- cared about anyone at all, actually- about Allen's wellbeing, and ninety-nine percent of him was hungry and wanted food. He made the one percent the main focus so he could get to the food.

He really,_ really_ wanted a sandwich right now. Dining on coconuts and seafood was nice and all, but being trapped on an island with tropical fruity fruity fruit- shit like bananas, and mangoes or whatever- was slowly driving him insane with all of the sexual innuendos. All he could say on the matter was "that's what (s)he said!" and try not to laugh at all of the nonsense going on around this mad place. Just looking a bushel of bananas made him awkwardly avert his eyes to the floor. Seeing all those bananas bunched together like that gave him the weirdest feeling. But he stopped with this explanation, because if he went with this any further it would become an M-rated story and some of the readers would be forced to leave. You're welcome by the way. The only way for him to block all of this out was to use his trusty alcohol, which he was running out of. It was time to leave this place and make that damn sandwich.

And so they did.

(After escaping the island being stricken by meteors, but, whatever.)

"And I want the roll... with let's see... lettuce... tomato... american cheese... turkey-"

"We don't have turkey."

"Fine. Ham?"

"Yeah. And I want... cucumber- only one slice. And it must be separate from the pickles. And... I want my wine. Any bottle; I don't care."

"Sure. Anything else?"

"Hmmm... Nope, that's it."

Allen paused in his sandwich-making. He pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Master, were we supposed to be doing something?"

Cross ignored the huge time gap in between getting Allen off of that volcano and finding the nearest kitchen. If the readers were interested in that crap, then his answer was, as always, magic. But magic was fakey fake fake, meaning that his answer was a total lie. He just wanted the sandwich, going so far as to create a huge gap in the story with lots of lost details and information.

"Nah. Nothing about getting stranded on islands or human sacrifices or apocolyptic events," he dismissed any thoughts Allen tried to create in his head. "Don't think too much about it; you'll get a headache. Plus, you're not very smart since you're _Idiot_ Apprentice. Not _Smart_ Apprentice. Okay?"

Allen nodded and finished that sandwich.

"Okay!"

"Also, you're fifteen now."

"Okay," Allen responded in a deeper voice, as he grew a few inches and more masculine. "I will now go watch football and drink canned alcoholic beverages, and do other manly things like shave my beard!"

"You don't have a beard."

"... Shave my leg!" Allen corrected himself.

"You don't have leg hair. I don't think you're that far into puberty yet."

"... And use Axe deodorant? And be manly?"

"You're not very manly," Cross shook his head at the last part. "Actually, you're kind of pathetic. Everyone says so."

"Okay," Allen slumped his shoulder dejectedly as his voice became a more high-pitched.

With this over, Allen finished the sandwich and gave it to Cross, who sat down and grumbled to himself about how ridiculously long it took to finally get things settled out for this arc, and for him to get that sandwich.

He should have just gone to Subway or Jimmy Johns. But screw that, gas was expensive these days. There was no way in hell he was going to drive down the street to get to the nearest sandwich-making fast food place, because you know, walking or bike-riding totally wasn't one of his options here. It'd be easier to just wait a week or more and force someone else to make the sandwich for him instead of driving down the street. Then he realized how stupid this all was.

He ate the sandwich anyways.

._.

incase you missed it

attempt: doing nothing

foiled by: why am I still doing this.

1) Supernatural reference. I'm on season five at the moment if anyone is interested in chatting with me about the show :3

I don't even know what chapter this is, but I have a feeling people didn't expect for someone to actually complete one of these 100 ways things. Writers usually get three chapters in and then give up. As for the 50 Reasons and 69 Ways, I will start those again when I finish this series :3 Sorry for the wait in the meantime, but I really should have waited and posted each story one by one. Bluh. Whatever, it was going to get posted at some point in time.


	70. Chapter 70

101 Attempts: The Day Everyone Betrayed the Order

A/N: Merp merp merp. I'm so freaking bored.

._.

If Allen was known for anything, it was for his love of food.

He loved all sorts of food. Sour, sweet, salty, spicy, bland- he didn't care what it was, so long as it was edible he would eat it. He didn't even care if someone had already bitten the food and left it unattended; food was food to him. It was also probably his greatest weakness.

"God damn it, Allen."

Meaning that, if he came across an offer to join a certain Noah family in exchange for food, he would definitely take up that offer. It was better than sticking around a drunk man who racked up debts every time he looked away, better than the crazy bookmen who followed him around recording his every movement, idiots going around destroying the inside of the Order, and jerks who called him "beansprout" when his name was Allen.

Allen shrugged at the people he had just left behind, and continued eating from the bag of potato chips he had been offered moments ago. The negotiators- Road and Tyki- stood behind him, looking at him with bewilderment whereas across from them the said people that Allen disliked were all exasperated with his behavior. While these people were shocked and or appalled with his choice, Allen couldn't find himself to care at the moment. Hence the shrugging movement of his shoulders.

He didn't know why the Noahs were here or why they chose now to make the offer. They had visited in the past saying stuff about the Fourteenth (who he could hear mocking them in his head) but since they never made him any good offers, he always turned them down. They used to say stuff like "we'll kill you" or "you have no choice" but it was a smart move of them to think of food. Allen guessed they had only just recently discovered his love of food; he certainly hadn't let it on that he was a bit of a glutton when he was out fighting. Except when he had been on the ark- he had been looking at those dishes rather hungrily.

Yes. The Noahs had been _very _wise. This totally wasn't a last-ditch attempt or anything.

"Wait- you're not joking, are you?" Tyki frowned at him uncertainly, awkwardly scratching his head as Allen turned around to face him. The man looked completely and utterly lost. He was dumbfounded by Allen's I-don't-give-a-damn attitude towards jumping sides.

Allen tilted his head slightly to the side. "Were you joking when you bought me a year's worth of potato chips?"

"No," came his short but confused response.

"Then I'm in." Allen emptied the bag of chips and crumpled it up, walking over towards the closest trash can. He put it in it's proper place, thus saving the environment by not littering like everyone else was doing. In the corner of his eye, he saw Lavi throw a banana peel on the floor next to Cross, who shifted uncomfortably.

Road and Tyki exchanged glances.

"Oi, Allen," Lavi called out, "are you sure you want to switch sides?"

Allen watched as Cross downed another bottle of alcohol, and Kanda who gave him the middle finger from where he stood in the distance on his Segway. Cross dropped the bottle which shattered on the ground, and Kanda put on sleek sunglasses, slowly retreating into the shadows. He looked like a yakuza member, and would probably attack him the next chance he got.

Then he looked at the scientists, and while he loved them to death, they had set loose another Komurin which was currently burning down half of the Order. He could see poor Lenalee trying to dispose of it alone; everyone else was out here (save for the scientists) witnessing Allen betray the Order.

With another nonchalant shrug, Allen answered that he would indeed be joining the Noah family. Knowing they didn't really have any other option, the two bookmen also abandoned the Order. The Noah side then grew to a population of five.

Tyki protested against the additions, but Road hushed him by saying that having friends around would be good for Allen. She mentioned something about not being sure whether or not the food would last. Tyki suggested cannibalism. Road stomped on his foot and told him to shut up because everyone was watching.

That was when Kanda also decided to switch sides.

"What the hell are you doing?" Allen shouted as the man crossed sides slowly, inching across on his Segway. It took him two minutes to get there. He was now about a foot away from Allen, most likely glaring from behind his sunglasses. "STOP! GO BACK YOU IDIOT!"

He flailed about idiotically as Kanda proceeded to bump into him, as if trying to run him over. Allen tried to push him away, but only managed to pathetically flail his arms as he was pushed backwards.

Tyki again addressed this addition issue to Road.

"Look, I'm okay with having Allen and the bookmen, but I just don't know how I feel about adding complete strangers to our family! What will the Earl say?"

"Less than three."

Everyone jumped in surprise except for Kanda and Allen, Kanda because he was too composed for that, and Allen because he was busy being run over.

Tyki didn't understand the meaning behind the Earl's words. Thankfully, he was saved from speaking by Lavi's pointless questions.

"Does less than three mean that he wants less than three people? I understand it would be hard to add so many people at once- and then there's the matter of everyone getting along, and starting to go on family picnics and crap-"

"Less than three," the Earl repeated himself. When no one understood what he meant, he phrased his words differently. "Insert heart symbol."

And then all of the questions ever were answered. All of them.

"Oh, he's just doing the heart thing he does in the manga?" Tyki asked another completely pointless and rhetorical question.

"NO," Allen snapped, "NO! We are _NOT _doing this again!"

Allen wasn't sure if he wanted to stay with the Noah family anymore. He didn't like rhetorical questions. But... he did agree to join, and they had already bought the food. He didn't know if they could return it. Food was expensive after all.

The Earl, having earlier stated his desire to be close to the Fourteenth, stood about five feet away from Allen as he was being pushed around by Kanda's Segway. The Earl didn't want to get too close; he was actually nervous about being around Neah, but he didn't want to be too far away. Five feet was a good distance for him.

Road was still talking to Tyki (who was ignoring her) about how adding more members to the family was fine. Lavi, interested in the family's dynamics, jumped into the conversation. Bookman told him not to get involved, but Lavi complained about that not being very social. Lavi ignored Bookman.

As all of this nonsense was going on, Cross also stumbled over to the Noah side.

"Seriously, when is enough _enough?_" Tyki exclaimed. Cross slurred out several (and very vulgar) insults at the Noahs as he tried to get in between Allen and Kanda. He pushed Kanda over and took out a marker from his pocket, randomly writing something on Allen's arm.

And when he was done, he shot all of the Noahs including Allen and stumbled away. Allen screamed in pain, clutching his wound as Kanda finally ran him over. Kanda, having fulfilled his life goal, rode away into the sunset never to be seen again. But the tires of his Segway left a trail of blood behind him.

Cross returned about a minute later, hovering expectantly over Allen.

Allen understood what he wanted. He reached into his wallet and took out forty dollars of allowance for Cross to blow off on alcohol. Cross took it, but he continued to stand there.

"I think he's angry," Lavi suggested after an awkward silence.

"No, I'm waiting for him to get up!" Cross shouted drunkenly. "Stupid rabbit, tricks are for kids."

Lavi didn't answer this.

Road struggled to stand on her feet. "But you can't take him!" she objected, "He's a part of the Noah family now."

Cross pointed at Allen's arm.

"Dibs."

There was a silence. Then, finally:

"What?" Road was not amused.

Cross repeated himself.

"Dibs."

Everyone started to wonder what was up with weird men saying weird words or phrases that no one else could comprehend without there being an explanation.

Thus, Cross explained himself. "I called dibs. I put my name on him. Screw you."

It wasn't a very good explanation, but it was one nonetheless.

Knowing Allen wouldn't be able to walk away on his own, Cross grabbed his ankle and dragged the idiot away. He could be heard muttering about debts that needed to be paid, and loan sharks that needed to be avoided. He mentioned not wanting to be near the Order and needing a source of income on his next expedition around the world.

But in reality, he was trying to hold off this Noah bullcrap for as long as he could. Just like how he held off on paying his debts. Which he did by running away, like right now for instance.

_._._

incase you missed it

Attempt: joining Noah family

foiled by: the main characters switch sides and Cross writes his name on Allen, thus making Allen his property. Also, he called dibs.

By the way, have any of you ever read a Midsummer Night's Dream? I just posted a parody out of spite to my teacher. Titania basically goes ghetto, and there's lots of swearing, but that's nothing new for you guys. I didn't even know there was a section for shakespeare on fanfiction, but I guess it counts as a fandom too...


	71. Chapter 71

101 Attempts- Just keep falling

Title: Who BUILT this building?

A/N: This was written a LONG time ago. I think this was one of my first chapters, actually.

._.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME!"

The screaming of Allen Walker echoed throughout the Black Order in the middle of the night. None of the personnel still awake at this time bothered to rush to his assistance, seeing as how Allen's pathetic cries were common at this hour. Left to fend for himself, the white-haired exorcist sprinted down the hallways to avoid an unwanted encounter with his master. Howard Link trailed behind him with his stack of papers, not caring one bit how his charge was acting up this late.

In fact, every soul in the building was accustomed to the disturbances Allen caused while they tried to rest. At first they had been worried and would assist him, but after they realized how pointless that was, they stopped. Cross Marian, Allen's master, took advantage of this lack of manpower. It didn't matter whether or not the sun or moon was up; Cross was constantly awake and used whatever never-depleting source of energy he had to harass Allen. He claimed the energy came from 5-hour energy, but we all know those things don't actually give us energy; just condensed vitamins that make you more alert. So his claim was fakey fakey fake.

But anyways, Allen was unable to get any sleep because of this. He refused to sleep during the day as that would bring about bad habits, but sleeping when all of the lights were out wasn't one of his options either.

"Come back, idiot apprentice!" Cross shouted after him. For once Allen was ahead of his master, leaving him behind in the dust. After five years (minus four, plus three, add two months give or take an so on- however the timeline had gone here) of constantly running and failing at escaping, he had finally learned how to go faster. The Chinese exorcist known as Lenalee had given him a few pointers on how to boost his speed, which Allen had been extremely grateful for. Somehow Link managed to keep up (while carrying all of those papers) but as long as Link wasn't Cross, Allen didn't care.

The urge to turn around for a moment to taunt his master was strong. Allen knew that was a bad idea, but he had never had the chance to do so in the past. Since he had that opportunity now and would probably never have it again, he reconsidered. Against his better judgment, Allen stuck his tongue out at the man behind him.

Cross frowned and came to a halt, pointing past Allen to warn him. Allen looked to see what he was trying to show him, but found himself face to face with a pillar. Allen crashed into the support beam and was knocked backwards by the impact. He bumped into Link, sending the paperwork out of the inspector's arms and accidently scattering them on the ground with him. Allen's long and ridiculous fall didn't end there, rather he continued to stumble backwards while clutching onto his throbbing head. Luck wasn't on his side, Allen thought as he bumped into the railing.

"Son of a bitch," he swore as his body fell over the edge. He didn't know who had designed this place, but whoever the designer was obviously had no clue what they were doing. As Allen plummeted to the bottom, he didn't bother screaming or calling out for help, because the last fifty distress calls had been ignored. Allen folded his arms across his chest and waited for collision.

If lady luck was feeling generous, then his death would be quick and without him even knowing he died, but a pain in the ass for everyone else to clean up later. It was strange that out of all things, the Black Order's structural flaws was going to be his doom. Allen had always believed he would be taken out by either fighting the akuma or by his desperation to escape his master. Hell, he had a better chance of being struck by lightning (which had happened before) and being offed by that. But dying because of a design flaw? Man, what a lame way to go.

Just before the very bottom of the Black Order came into sight, Crown Clown activated and forced Allen to grab onto a random ledge. Allen was surprised that this didn't hurt him, as he had been falling very fast and to come in contact with any other object would cause instant death. His arm didn't even hurt from the strain, but since this wasn't the real world, he supposed this was all right. After all, anime characters could lose gallons of blood and still live.

Allen pulled himself up and climbed over the rail to safety. Shortly after Cross joined him, but only after jumping into the pit to follow. He wondered how Cross was even able to do this; wouldn't he be impaired by his high alcohol level? Wouldn't he be more likely to miss the railing and so on? Allen raised one eyebrow at this and Cross shrugged when he saw the question in the boy's eyes. Because drunk people are totally able to sense whenever people have questions and know exactly what they're thinking, word for word.

Totally.

"What?" the general exclaimed defensively.

"Master," Allen growled warningly and narrowed his eyes to glare at the general.

"Well-" Cross cut himself off and shook his head as he remembered that Allen had nearly fallen to his death. "OK, well, whatever. It was fun for me. Maybe not you, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion, right?"

Moments later, Link appeared on the scene with his stack of papers. The inspector had taken the sane method (otherwise known as the stairs) and resumed his observing duties. Cross watched the inspector write down Allen's actions in his journal and stared, then grabbed the notebook from him. He stole Link's pen, not caring that he was tampering with the inspector's work.

A few quick scribbles later and the journal was ruined. Link tore his notebook out of Cross's hands, but the paper binding was torn in two as a result. The scraps of the paper dropped to the ground in tiny shreds, sending the man into shock. The inspector was at a loss as to what to do with his journal now destroyed. Link stood frozen over the mess, and Cross took this chance to grab his apprentice by the scruff of his neck and drag him away.

Allen wasn't sure if he was allowed to go anywhere without Link, but Cross disregarded Allen's opinion entirely when he voiced his thoughts on the matter. The exorcist sighed as he was dragged up the stairs to wherever his master was taking him. At least he wasn't a trainwreck like Link without his precious papers.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Trying to run faster than Cross

Foiled By: Pillar

You know, the Black Order probably shouldn't build anything. Ever. I mean, that place is like a friggin' safety hazard (good thing they got a new base, but I don't know if it's any different). Someone could easily fall off and die O_o Especially if they're at the very top, but since it _is_ anime… I suppose it's possible for them to survive that fall. It's not very realistic, but I digress.

Next time, they should hire someone who knows what they're doing. I haven't seen much of the interior of the new Black Order, but who cares. It looks like it's just hallways so far, and then a few fancy rooms. Maybe the last designer was drunk when they created the previous Black Order... or high. Or both. Can you be drunk and high at the same time?


	72. Chapter 72

101 Attempts: The Day Everyone Got Drunk

A/N: I noticed that fanfiction writers pin Lenalee as one of their own. I think I might be able to use this to my advantage.

-…-

"Psst. KANDA."

"Allen, shut up," groaned an exasperated voice from the side.

"Hehehee," the voice repeated itself, in a more hushed tone. A finger repeatedly jabbed the other in the side without reason. "Hehehee… PSSSTT! Kaaanda! _I have something to tell you!_"

"SHUT UP!"

"Heehee..."

"YOU'RE _DRUNK_, ALLEN," Kanda roared, "GO TO BED!"

Said boy laughed again at an annoyed Kanda Yuu, who was about ready to take out Mugen and slash the white-haired boy in half. While Kanda was a somewhat self-controlled man, he was itching to kill this kid. For one, Allen wasn't even technically awake; he was actually half-sleeping while laughing. Kanda didn't know what was so funny, but the amusement must be coming from both the real world and Allen's sleep world.

It didn't help that Allen was also wasted.

Kanda scooted away from the sleep-laughing exorcist and moved to the other side of the couch. He had never imagined Allen to be a heavy drinker (or a drinker at all) but looking at the martini glasses scattered throughout the mysterious piano room, there was no doubt that Allen had consumed a hell load of alcohol. Kanda didn't know why he was bothering with this right now, or why the idiot beansprout was off getting smashed. He didn't even understand why he was enduring the nonsense, or what had made him even consider following after the beansprout.

A glance at the other drunkard in the room made him remember. Cross Marian, who was also probably very high, was calling out Allen's name and searching under the piano in a search for the boy. Kanda didn't know what happened, but Allen must have run away at some point, causing his master to look after him. Again, Kanda didn't know the purpose behind Cross looking after Allen as Allen stated clearly that he hated Cross, and that Cross was an insensitive jackass. He didn't get why Allen would willingly meet the man, or why the red-haired general would chase after his apprentice.

The search for Allen had started around three in the morning (Lavi could be heard shouting "bow chicka bow wow" in the distance), and Cross was discovered wandering the hallways of the Black Order, while shouting for his apprentice. Apparently the rest of the Order learned to wear ear plugs during their sleep, but Kanda hadn't and wasn't able to rest. He figured he would be able to once the drunken idiot found his stupid apprentice, so he started his own search for Allen with Cross following after him. Or, trying to at least. Cross had bumped into about every pillar and fallen down every set of stairs possible, slowing them down by a lot.

Eventually Kanda put two and two together and went straight to that piano room they discovered while on the arc. Lately, whenever Allen wasn't in the cafeteria, he could be found moping near the music room.

Upon entering the music room, Cross- who had destroyed his glasses because of his crashing and falling- had shouted even louder for his apprentice, despite Allen sitting on the couch in a small fortress of pillows he must have brought in with him. Kanda had stormed over to Allen while shouting that this was his fault, but upon closer inspection through his tired, squinting eyes, he saw that while Allen was awake, his eyes were glassy and seemed to be swaying in spot. It was what they mostly saw from Cross, meaning that either Allen was somehow drugged, or he was intoxicated.

It turned out to be the latter.

Allen claimed he was drinking because he was trying to show to his master what a terrible influence he was being on Lenalee (Kanda failed to understand this as well). The Chinese woman had been acting strangely, writing strange fanfictions about everyone in the building, and Komui knew exactly the cause of this. Cross had been doing some strange recruitment, and had approached Lenalee and asked her if she could help. She said yes. Her help involved her writing part of some parody with some other girl, and her main job was to proofread each chapter. But Cross had also done a horrible orientation, because Lenalee also believed that drinking was part of the job.

That was just about the situation in a nutshell. Cross was up to suspicious activity, Lenalee was drinking and writing, and Allen was drinking in a protest against Cross. Kanda couldn't believe how ridiculous this place was getting, but he refused to get involved in any of this. He was busy with other things. Like trying to go to bed, for instance.

As Allen reached for Kanda's ponytail and hid himself under the hair, Kanda rolled his eyes. He really didn't have time for this. When he was awake, he confined himself in his room and tended to his Segway. He would really rather be doing those things.

The Segway. His good, old and trusty Segway. He'd gotten it as a gift from his mentor, General Tiedoll. That was the only reason he tolerated that old man. Otherwise, he would have sliced him in half a long time ago. Kanda appreciated the gift and as others were around, he would feign meditation and the moment he was alone, he went straight to his vehicle maintenance. He often used his Segway to destroy his enemies, and it was no good for the wheels if gore was stuck in between…

Speaking of murdering.

He really, really wanted to slice this idiot beansprout in half.

"Shhhh," Allen hushed through an idiotic grin, one finger over his mouth, "don't tell him where I am! I'm hiding."

True, he was hiding, but he was hiding under Kanda's ponytail. And somehow, it was working.

Kanda didn't even ask. The two were drunk; of course Allen would do that, and of course Cross wouldn't notice.

"Stupid beansprout," was all he said in response to Allen's stupidity. "I thought you were supposed to be one of the _normal_ characters."

He didn't think he would ever break the fourth wall, but right now he was irritated and it was a question he had been thinking of anyways.

"Sorry," Allen apologized, suddenly sober. He brushed Kanda's ponytail off of him. "It's really hard to fight the script Lenalee has been making. I had a really good plan- to use the Ark- but I can't because they keep writing me as a drunk. It's kind of hard to stay in character."

Kanda blinked several times. Allen's eyes were tired and he seemed a little twitchy, and soon enough he reverted to his previous drunk state, just in time as Cross discovered him.

"HAH, I found youuuuu!" Cross slurred, grabbing his apprentice by the shoulders. He then fell on top of Allen, and the both of them crashed into the couch, completely crushing the beansprout. The general muffled out the words "I'm so fucking smart."

_Why am I still here._

Kanda sighed, and folded his arms as he leaned back into the couch. He could see this wasn't going to get anywhere, but leaving might cause Allen and Cross (worst drunk duo ever) to burn the place down. They were in clear need of supervision, and he was the poor sucker awake at this hour.

_God I wanna fucking murder these assholes._

._.

Attempt: Hiding underneath Kanda's hair

Foiled by: Allen left his hiding spot


	73. Chapter 73

101 Attempts: 73?

How many chapters do I have left?

I swear, this is the most drawn-out fanfiction on this entire site. But I did promise 101 chapters, so I guess I can't complain.

._.

Five hours earlier

_Instructions on How to Get All The Ladies._

Step One: _Smile. Every girl loves a boy with a cute smile, but make sure there is nothing stuck in between your teeth and make sure you have straight and white teeth._

The reader instantly memorized the first instruction as though his mind had taken a picture of the page of the book in his hands. For extra measure, he took out his phone- ignoring all friend requests from Facebook and glancing only once at his Tumblr dashboard- and took a snapshot of the instruction for later documentation.

It was kind of obvious who this reader was.

'Boy, being a bookman sure is difficult. We have to record all of the world's information,' he thought as he moved onto the second instruction.

Step Two: _Smell good. Don't be drenched in sweat all the time. Take you time to take showers and clean yourself properly and use a light smelling cologne. _He paused in the reading. Did the mean no more Axe? Irish Spring?

Step Three: _Have good hair_. _Your haircut is-_

He didn't even need to read that one. His hair was the best. Save for maybe Kanda or Cross Marian. Those two had pretty good hair. He wondered what kind of shampoo they used though.

Step Four: _Flirt. Okay, this step is obvious. BUT MAKE SURE THAT WHEN YOU ARE FLIRTING TO NOT BE CREEPY! Especially if you already have tendencies to fit in the phrase "Less than three" or "Bow chicka bow wow" or "Strike!" into your sentences._

"What the hell?" Lavi exclaimed. Then he realized his noise level was too high for such a quiet library. He quickly apologized and averted his eyes, pretending he hadn't just done that.

He looked to see who the author of this book was.

_GiveMeYourSoulMilEarl, _it read_._

Of course. Just like every other book in this damned place.

The doors to the library flung open and the occupants forgot about Lavi's earlier slipup. In rushed something-year-old Allen Walker. The boy with white hair and reversed and forwarded age multiplied by something years, subtract and add some, and square root the result and be off by about two mathematical significant figures by rounding incorrectly. Lavi was pretty sure he was fifteen maybe. Or maybe one thousand and five hundred years. A few zeros didn't make much a difference. In fact, he wasn't even sure if Allen was a boy or girl. In Zone he had sort of been a girl-akuma thing named Robin. Then some weird stuff happened and he/she became Allen Walker.

Whatever; he'd leave that for someone else to figure out. But he was pretty sure Allen was indeed male, despite how the fandom tended to portray him.

"Lavi, I need your help," came Allen's slightly out of breath request. The exorcist rushed over to where he knew Lavi would be- where else?- in the library. The red-haired Bookman could only sigh as his friend ducked behind his chair as though hiding. "Are you free?"

"That depends on what you need," Lavi shrugged and closed his book for now. He didn't need to use a bookmark; he already remembered the page he was on. He also recalled the ridiculous illustrations beneath each step in _How to Get All the Ladies._

Allen took a deep breath and sat down behind the plush chair after searching around first, making sure he wasn't being followed. When he saw that he wasn't, he made himself more comfortable. He brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them to himself, all while leaning against the back of the chair to relax a bit.

He didn't speak for a while, but when he did he pulled up the hood to his exorcist uniform. He didn't look at Lavi at all even while he spoke.

"I just need to hide for a bit. That's all."

Lavi felt a surge of sympathy for Allen. Normally he was off either trying to pay off his master's debts, or running from the man himself. He didn't have to ask to know that Allen was doing the latter as of this moment.

"Allen, if he really bothers you that much, you know you can just… tell him, right?" he suggested.

"No, no, it's not that!" Allen denied, lifting his head to look up at his friend. "I just got overloaded with paperwork again."

"… Really." Lavi folded his arms and gave his friend a look of disbelief.

Under the intimidating stare, Allen relented.

"Okay, okay, yeah I was trying to hide again," Allen averted his eyes in shame. "Things just got a little out of control."

It didn't take much to know that the exorcist was upset enough as it was. With that in mind, the Bookman junior decided to offer distraction. He handed his friend the book without even caring that him handing over _Instructions on How to Get All the Ladies _was inappropriate in this situation.

Three minutes later of reading, Allen realized what exactly he was reading.

"Why are you reading this?" he asked with a slight, disapproving frown. "The advice in here is terrible! Why does it say to kill white-haired exorcists by the last name of Walker?" he returned the book and pointed at the mentioned passage. "Also, why are you resorting to how-to books? We all know you're naturally smooth with the ladies."

"Meh. Not as I used to be," he admitted. "I think everyone thinks that I may or may not be annoying. Saying 'strike' all the time was kind of lame when you think about it."

"But it was your thing!" Allen let Lavi take the book back and folded his arms on the chair's armrest, putting his head down to rest. "You know, this book is entirely opinionated and none of it has any factual basis. There's no point in bothering with this thing."

Lavi almost pulled out the "I'm a Bookman" excuse out of the hat, but he knew that was complete bullshit.

"Also, the only women around are Hevlaska, the nurse, Lenalee, and Miranda. Sometimes Klaud Nine I guess," Allen added after a little thought. "So even if the advice does work, who are you going to hit on? I don't really think Hevlaska is human anymore, but she would love the company, I'm sure…"

"Lenalee is cute and all, but her brother would rather kill me first," Lavi continued for his friend. "Also, I would never flirt with that crazy nurse. She's fifty times my age and she scares the hell out of me. Miranda? Um, I think she and Noise Marie are together or something. Klaud acts kind of cold anyways, so she's out too."

"Exactly." Allen stood and claimed the chair across from Lavi's. He glanced out the large window to their side, then to the coffee table that separated them. There was a small pile of books that Lavi had borrowed from their respective spots on their shelves.

Similar to Lavi's first love-advice book, there were other ridiculous instructional guides such as _How to Bombproof Your Horse, How to Avoid Work, How to Cook Delicious Food, How to Cheat at Everything- _Allen took this book and noted to check it out later- and _How to Survive a Robot Uprising._

Lavi ignored Allen's questioning look.

"You got to know these things when you're a Bookman," he claimed and continued with his reading. "GiveMeYourSoulMilEarl writes some pretty decent stuff. Did you know he has over a thousand works published? He's very successful, too."

"But this one is really weird," Allen commented as he skimmed the page of the book in his hands. It was the cookbook with the creepy clown-like figure on the cover.

"Really? It should just be a cookbook…"

"The recipe calls for… well, I think it's supposed to say 'pepper.' It might just be a typo."

"…"

"It says '_four chopped green people_.'"

"Oh."

After that short response, Allen closed the book. He placed back on the table without giving it a second glance. He tiredly rubbed his eyes and began to view the other instructional guide in place of the cookbook gone wrong. It was probably Betty Crocker sponsored anyways, just like everything else out in the food market. Like Fruit Gushers and Hamburger Helper meals.

No one bothered to confirm that fact because they were certain that it was true anyways.

"So," Lavi tried to talk to Allen again after a few moments of silence. The exorcist reluctantly paused in his reading.

In the background the library's double doors could be seen opening. Lavi didn't pay as much attention as he should have to the newcomer, who stumbled around quite drunkenly.

"Yeah?" Allen waited for his friend to continue.

"So, what exactly made you run away this time? Debts? His insane drinking? Usually you go on a mad rampage and flip the fuck out. Normally you don't resort to hiding," Lavi continued, bringing the conversation back to Allen's desire to hide from everyone else at the moment.

Allen brought his hood back down and let out a sigh. "I'm going to go return this book."

"I'll go with you,"Lavi volunteered, and stood as he set his own book back on the table. His hands shoved themselves into his pockets while trailing after, knowing that the younger/older boy/old man was trying to avoid this confrontation.

They went down a couple of rows before they found the spot where the book had originally been shelved. Before putting it back, he checked the call number to ensure it was in its proper place.

GiveMeYourSoulMilEarl had an entire section devoted to his works. Sometimes it got a little annoying with all of the displays out, but every once in a while there would be other books out for readers to learn about. That was just once in a while, though. And "once in a while" wasn't very often.

This meant that, being an avid reader and frequent visitor to this library, Lavi was familiar with this author's published works. From cookbooks to how-to-instructional guides, biographies and joke books, the author had many kinds of content available. He hoped to meet this writer some day; Lavi kind of liked his books. He found them either completely ridiculous and laughable, or actually helpful. It would be interesting to see what kind of guy GiveMeYourSoulMilEarl was, but he already had an idea. The guy was probably a nutjob.

"What's with all of these books?" Allen muttered under his breath. The books were packed together tightly; the entire section was devoted entirely to this writer, and glancing over the books' spines he saw some fairly outlandish titles.

"Well, he's a very popular writer-" Lavi began, but was cut of by his friend finally confessing what was wrong.

"Cross was making dead jokes again," he interrupted.

"…" Lavi didn't quite know what to think of that.

"I don't know- it's just, I don't like all these jokes about dying and stuff. Especially with Apocryphos," Allen told him, "It sort of makes me… _sad._ Really sad and upset to hear you guys joking about a person's death."

"…"

_Isn't this supposed to be a parody?_ Lavi thought with a frown, wondering if the mood was getting too serious for this series.

"I think all these dead people jokes might be upsetting Tim, too," Allen admitted as he went on with his confession, "I haven't seen him around much, but when I do, Tim doesn't really do anything. He's quiet now. I really think you guys are being insensitive to him, and maybe even m-…"

"IDIOT APPRENTICE!" roared a voice from behind. The two jumped in surprise, Allen's face draining of color while Lavi's eardrums nearly exploded.

Meanwhile, Noise Marie winced in pain on the other side of the building. Sometimes it sucks to have super hearing.

"Master, please don't scream so loud-"

"IDIOT!" Cross repeated, grabbing Allen by the shoulders to shake him obnoxiously. "So what? We can make jokes with innuendos, we can apparently marry chairs, fucking cross-dress and pretend to like dead bodies, but we're not allowed to joke about character death? What the hell is your deal!"

"Well-" Allen tried to speak, but was again cut off.

"Seriously. You're _killing_ me, kid."

"I-"

"Come on, Allen. You're boring me to _death._"

"Master, cut it out."

"Over my dead body."

"…"

"Though I do understand on some level," Cross allowed. Then he smirked. "This humor is getting too _grave_ for my tastes."

"Master, stop that!" Allen snapped, and unable to help himself due to his frustration, he slapped the general across the face. Lavi's eyes widened and he backed away immediately, taking several steps backwards and almost bumping into one of the displays. Cross blinked in surprise as Allen threw his hissy fit.

"I mean it!" Allen shouted before Cross could open his mouth. He lowered his voice while attempting to hold back his rage. "Please, I… I really don't want to joke about this."

Still in shock over Allen's outburst, Cross only stared at his apprentice as he stormed off and out of the library, slamming the doors behind him. The library was dead silent, not a single person daring to make a move. Lavi and Cross awkwardly exchanged glances, unsure of what to do next. They weren't used to this kind of behavior from Allen. Neither was the viewing audience.

After several minutes of the uncomfortable silence, Lavi commented on this outburst.

"What a _dying_ shame that he put an end to your puns. I love _cryptic_ humor."

The two instantly became Best Dead Buddies* Forever after that.

"In all honesty though, I do wonder what my grave is going to say," Cross mused aloud. "Maybe something like: _A one-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupil_.'"

"I _see_ what you did there." Lavi nodded. He looked over at the double doors Allen previously stormed out of. "Should we follow him?"

Cross shrugged. "Probably."

-Current Time-

"- and he wouldn't stop talking about being dead. He kept making all these horrible puns," Allen sighed. "Sorry for bugging you, Kanda. I know you want to be doing vehicle maintenance right now."

"Hn."

Kanda continued with his meditation. He didn't enjoy having his room invaded, but whatever. He wasn't going to cause a ruckus over this. He was cool with it. Besides; he let Lenalee complain to him. And Jerry the cook. And Johhny. Reever, Komui, Lavi, and so forth. He wasn't about to exclude anyone here.

"So how are things going with your Segway?"

"Hn."

"Oh, you added the LED headlights? "

"Hnn."

"Really? Was it hard to replace the comfort mats?"

"Hn."

"Well, that's not very surprising. You're good with vehicles. So about the integrated lighting system- did you choose the red and blue or the amber and white lights?"

"Hn. Hm."

"People usually do choose the red and blue lights," Allen admired the Segway. It had been glossed with a sleek, black color and it had a clean smell to it. "It looks and smells like it hasn't been used before. How do you do it?"

"Meh."

"I see. When I went traveling around with Cross, sometimes I took up cleaning jobs and every once in a while I'd get to use that product. It works really well on metal surfaces! I hate seeing grease on stuff I'm trying to clean. If you don't have the right product it takes so much longer."

"Yeah."

"Is that the i2 model or the i180?"

"Hn."

"God, that must have been expensive!"

"…"

"Gardening? It can't possibly be more expensive than vehicle maintenance."

Allen stood from his spot next to Kanda and Segway. He walked over to the computer on the other side of the room, pressing the power button and proceeded to wait for the screen to load. He entered the password- which was 'password'- and again waited for the icons and other screen items to load.

God this is boring, he thought. First he tried to use Safari, but that internet application was a piece of shit so he tried Google Chrome instead after downloading it. Google Chrome was only marginally better.

He typed a couple words into the search engine and chose the first link that came up.

"Here," Allen moved aside so Kanda could see. "It depends on where you purchase your materials. Some places jack up the price because they know that either you won't search for other options, or there aren't any alternatives in the area. It's complete bullshit, I know."

"The fuck."

"Also, when you're trying to plant, I figured out how to keep the weeds to a minimum without any of that spray stuff. And if you're interested, I can set you up with top quality gardening tools for cheap. I had to search really hard back when I was traveling."

"Hn."

"I don't talk that much about my travels," Allen denied with a slight scowl. Kanda raised one eyebrow. "But I did learn all sorts of interesting- and helpful, sometimes even life saving tips."

"Hn.

"Do I miss traveling? Hell no. I'm glad I'm here at the Order. But I still have debts to pay off, and there aren't exactly as many ways to earn income when I'm here or out on missions."

"Hmm."

"Sometimes I feel like you're speaking an entirely different language," Allen sighed.

"Kill teammates."

"What?" Allen blinked at the self-proclaimed master gardener. "I didn't hear anything…"

Just as he said this, the doors to Kanda's room flung open. Allen turned away from the computer and his jaw nearly dropped when he saw who the intruders were. Kanda, as usual, scowled at everyone and gave them the middle finger (just as he had when Allen decided to visit him from a lack of options).

"HEY IDIOT!" Cross shouted.

-Possible Future Time-

Kanda's room was absolute madness.

After throwing the doors open, Cross invited everyone in the Order inside and hired all the hookers he possible could. Lavi had taken Kanda's Segway and was currently riding it with an angered Kanda Yuu hot on his tail. Allen was immediately swarmed by the crowd that entered, and nearly blinded by the strobe lights that had somehow been installed, and nearly deafened by the blasting music that came with it. Judging from all the "wub" noises and the pauses and people saying "wait for it" as the exciting part came, the music was some form of the new genre, "Dubstep."

Alcohol was unfortunately free at this impromptu party except to all minors and Cross, because everyone knew how expensive that was going to be. Since everything was going to hell regardless, Allen met up with his friends and played a drinking game with his group. Allen ended up monopolizing the game and cheating everyone out of their money. A tip from that book in the library- _How to Cheat at Everything_- had showed him how to win every single time. Of course Allen wasn't about to share this advice with the reading audience; he felt there was no reason to. Either way, everyone else got drunk because of his winning, and he was somewhat content.

In the corner there was another group gambling. So one could say, at least. Allen glanced warily at the yakuza members and the table they had set up. He was almost afraid to be in the same room with them. His unease was intensified by the man doing the drug dealing in the other corner. And then there was the illegal arms dealer… and the person selling organs…

And the fact that Cross was right behind him, still using those horrible death puns. He just wished this hadn't happened to begin with.

Then the yakuza members got into a fight. The room began to burn down and the gang had opened fire on each other, causing complete chaos and dooming everyone as they became trapped in the room with homicidal others inside.

Then they all died. The end.

-Alternate Possible Future Time-

Cross stood alone in the doorway. Allen glanced back and forth between Cross- who was drunk as always and looking like he was about to pass out- and Kanda, who was fuming with murderous intent. Cautiously, the youngest/possibly-oldest exorcist- god damn it, the one with the freakishly white hair and scar on his eye- stepped away from Kanda and made himself scarce.

Making himself scarce involved him panicking and flailing his arms as he flipped the fuck out.

"Wait, Allen, don't…" Cross forgot what he wanted to say due to the alcohol in his system.

Meanwhile, Kanda had gotten on his trusty Segway and run both Allen and Cross over, ending the story by killing them both.

-Alternate Alternate Possible Future Time-

"Wait!" Lavi shouted at Kanda before he could run over Allen. He got in between Kanda and the panicking exorcist, slapping the white-haired kid to get him to his senses. He dragged Allen up to his feet and threw him at Cross, who only fell over due to his inability to function properly.

Then Lavi pushed Kanda off of his vehicle and kicked him where it hurt. Kanda fell over and crumpled in pain, his Segway falling along with him to the ground. Allen was the only one capable of speaking.

"Lavi, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

That was the only thing he wanted to know right now.

"Don't you see what's happening?" Lavi shouted at them. "It keeps happening! The time thing!"

"What?" they echoed in confusion.

"You see, you guys keep dying, but the chapter never ends!" Again with Lavi's conspiracy theories. Everyone chose to ignore him as he went on. "The writer and Lenalee are doing this! We need to stop them, come on," he urged them, but to no avail. "I mean it this time!"

Everyone just shrugged at Lavi.

"You're crazy," Allen told him.

And crazy he was. Because this time, the writer ceased with the alternate timelines, thus rendering Lavi's claim as false.

-Actual future time-

Lavi skimmed over the chapter Lenalee had written and nodded in approval.

"Yeah, seems fine to me. Is this the next 101 attempts chapter?" He handed back the script and the Chinese woman nodded.

"I need it finished by next Monday," she answered. "Thanks for your help!"

"No problem," Lavi said. "Let me know if you need me to go over anything else."

With that, Lenalee left to go help write the next chapter. Lavi glanced to the side where Kanda was polishing his Segway, and Allen was sleeping on the same couch where Cross was drinking again. Sometime after he and Cross discovered that Allen went to go hide in Kanda's room, they came only to see that the exorcist definitely alive and that Kanda wasn't killing him like they thought he might be, despite the end of Current Time's ending and before the beginning of Possible Future Time. He was just sitting there on the floor, polishing the Segway. And they entered without his permission, but he didn't mind anyways. Shortly after they entered Allen took a nap because he thought everyone else was being boring, despite Cross trying to continue with his jokes about death.

Cross wanted to wake up Allen so he could further torment his apprentice with lame and slightly- oh, who are we kidding, those were totally offensive puns. Lavi convinced Cross otherwise though, and the man settled for drinking until either he passed out, Allen woke up, or the world ended. Since hanging out in Kanda's room was now the cool thing, Lavi got out a sleeping bag and camped out near by the couch.

Shortly aft this, Lenalee showed up to ask Kanda to proofread her story. Kanda was occupied, so Lavi went over it for him and made a few adjustments. Then we saw Lenalee say thank you and leave, then we bothered ourselves by listening to the writer's rambling as she described what had actually happened after Cross stormed into the room. Then we went over her describing herself describing what happened, and then we went over her describing her description of the previous described events, and so on.

Because of this never-ending pattern in the story, the writer stopped there because should she go any further, she would be flagged as spam by her readers.

"Found you," Cross would later mumble in his sleep as he took up nearly all the space on the couch. "I'm so fucking smart."

Allen would later wake up crushed and unable to breathe.

But that's in the future.

._.

(one) Attempt (of many): Hiding

Foiled by: Of course Cross found him.

*Pronounced: "Dead Bodies"

Ugh. Long chapter. I'm finishing it here, but I will say that this definitely could have been a LOT longer. By 5000 words, even. I might continue this but I doubt it. I'm too lazy at the moment. You can't expect me to slave away in this heat :P


	74. Chapter 74

101 Attempts: Burn Her!

A/N: You guys are probably sick of me by now. Oh well. I'm never giving up on this 101 series; I'm freaking determined.

._.

_Dear viewers,_

_For the past year I have been trying to, as you know, get some free time and space for myself and have been repeatedly foiled by both the writer and her agents. You, the viewers, have some influence over the writer and with this in mind, I would like to make a proposal to you nice people._

_Please ask the writer to let me take a break. I barely have enough free time as it is- although Katsura Hoshino has been kind enough to give the cast breaks with these lack of updates- but every minute of every day, when I'm not part of D. Gray Man, I'm dragged here and have to put up with a hostile work environment, a cruel boss, and mean coworkers._

_In return for your cooperation, I will do anything for you. _

_I solemnly swear._

_I will paint your fence. Pay your debts. I'll help you roleplay! And I could do your groceries, or do your bills if you want. I can do the dishes, feed the dog, do your homework, and I can even be your boyfriend if you're a girl. Just please, please, help me. I won't ask for anything else._

_I know you're getting tired with the change in writing and the self-insertions. If you do something about this- maybe start a petition that will set me free- then I will do my best to hold up my promises._

_Also, I-_

**ACCESS DENIED.**

Allen Walker blinked at the computer with the flashing red words on the screen. When he typed again, the computer abruptly shut down. Alarmed, Allen tried to restart the computer, but it seemed that it was done for good.

That could only mean…

Angrily, Allen stood up from his desk and ignored Howard Link, who stared at him as he raised his fist at the camera he knew was recording him from the window and shook his fist furiously, face burning a bright red.

"CURSE YOU!" Allen shouted at the camera. Link ordered him to cease his nonsense and get back to work. When Allen explained that his work had been interrupted by the shutting down of his laptop, Link sighed, and pushed over a pile of paperwork to his side of the table instead. Allen's anger declined and he reluctantly returned to work.

He would try and finish that letter later, but he had a feeling that wasn't going to happen.

Attempt: Appealing to the viewers

Foiled by: Access denied


	75. Attempt: Foiled by foreign translation

Oh my fucking god you guys.

Do not use the Bing Translation.

(The first part is in english, untranslated. The purpose of this project was to see how horrible the translation systems are, and I proved my point. The story is re-told in the second part from english to japanese, and out again.)

(and yes I know I usually don't post on wednesdays, but this was just plain stupid. my god.)

**PART ONE: START**

101 Attempts: Doint Write While Dronk

Okay for this chapter I tried to make it as shitty as I could. First I pretended to be drunk, then I put the chapter through Japanese and out again.

God this makes my eyes hurt.

._.

Allen Walker had workeded all day long. He was tired and his eyes were poffy from not sleping. He walked home and sigheed becose he was tired and wanted to sleep but he knew he has to pay off the debts or else the reporseession men would come and take their stuf and the loanshaks wold cOME two his HOUSE AND axe him for the money he did not have.

Allen Walker sigheed again and tooked out the keys to the house and went inside. Allen Walker went to his room and up the stares and down the hallway two his room and opened the door.

But oh no!

Cross Marian was passed out dronk on the bathroom door connected to Allen's room that Allen left open. Allen Walker then thought "I wish he wold not do that" because this was his room and he did not like that because he wanted to sleep. Allen Walker frowned and went into the bathroom where Cross Marian was and kicked him.

"Get out of my bathroom," Allen Walker told Cross Marian.

Cross Marian was still dronk though so he did not answer. He snored very loudly and Allen decided that he did not want to be around Cross Marian who was drunk and on the bathroom floor.

"I hope my flower garden is okay," Allen Walker thought as he went out the bathroom door. He went out of his room and did not look back as he went down the hallway and down the stares and down the hallway to the door. He did not lock the door behind him because fuck that guy, he thought aNGRILY.

Angrily Allen Walker walked down the streets of his neighborhood and did not care that he was walking in the middle of the street. He did not care because he was angry and he hoped his master would stay dronk. Allen Walker looked up at the bright yellow sun. It wsa beginnh to get dark and he hoped he could get a bus at this time. he did not have money but maybe he could go to the train instead. he always went on the train and didnt pay because the ticket person never found him because he hide in the bathroom.

"i hate everyone," allen walker thought as the story continued to became even crappier. he noticed strait awey how the autocorrect stopped and how the words weren't not- were'nt being capitalized.

spoking of bad grammer and storyes...

in came the POORLY PLANNED SOLUTION to the nonexistant plot. it rode in on a Segwey and was glaring meanly at him,

"oh no it's kanda you!' allen walker said.

kanda yous ran over allen walker with his segway and allen walker moaned in pain as the tires crushed his lungs. kanda yuu did not care because he was mean and on his way to the grocery store to buy milk which was expensive. six dollars for one gallon! outrageus! kanda yuu was also angry because of the milk prices which were way two expensive for someone making his kinds of salary- none since he worked for a church- so he was very angruy

it wsant jsut allend walker and kanda yuus who wsa angry. the earl and rhode and tyke were also angry because their skin wash grey and ugly and their eyes looked like cats. they were all angry. and the earl said "LESS then 3!" and frowned as he let lose the akumas on the residential area thus causing lots of panic on the poor homeowners.

then cross marian woke up from his dronk sleeping! he was outside the house.

"allen walker I will save you!' he shouted determinededly and ran over to where allen walker was to save him.

cross marian then used his magic to mind control grave of maria into mind controlling the earl into controlling the akuma. the earl wsant happy but he was forced to stop the akuma because of the mind control three way combo. the earl sadly went away and let out the biggest sign because he couldn't control the akuma anymore.

rhode asked why she and tyke didnt command akumas for the earl. the earl still being mindcontrolled told her that they were leaving, since his word was final the earl and rhose and tyke all left and left allen walker alone with kanda yuu and cross marian

"okay allen lets go home" cross said suddenyl not dronk

but then Lavi the cop came by and stopped them from going home.

"sir have you been dronking" he asked cross marian who shrugged "take this sobriety taste now. we cant have you drivving whilt dronk sir."

"youre not a cop though." cross argued stubbornly.

"i am for plot purposes though," lavi full on sassed cross marian, who could not believe the nerve of this asshole "sir take the sobriety test now oberwise well have to bring you in"

"you aint got shit on me bro," cross marian said, grabbed allen and ollied the fuck outie.

lavi and kanda yuu stared after the figures as they disappeared into the sunset in an overly cliche mannert.

the end

**PART TWO: START**

01 Trial: did it burn while Dronk

Now, as I could, tried give a shit, later in this chapter. At first I was pretending to be drunk and put google through Japan, Japanese-converts back to English. Boy that's a lot of work!

God it hurts my eyes.

._.

And Allen Walker workeded all day. He made his eye from tired and not poffy sleping. He he was tired and wanted to sleep in or other reporseession who walked home with sigheed becose debt must be repaid him he is coming, he would two of his house with his money didn't have an axe loanshaks take that stuf and I knew.

-Allen key House a little again, Walker sigheed then went inside. Allen Walker opened the door went his room and corridor 2 my room look.

But, Oh no!

Marian cross dronk leaving Allen Facebook connect to the Allen room, passed to the bathroom door. "I thought Allen Walker" wish he wouldn't do it was his room, so he wanted to sleep, so he did not like. Allen Walker went into the toilet buy frowned upon, it was cross Marian, he kicked.

"From my bathroom Allen Walker cross Marian please".

He didn't answer dronk still is Marian cross. Then he drew a tremendous snore Allen decided he want around the Marian cross who was drunk, bathroom floors.

"My flower garden is hope," he thought Allen Walker went out through the bathroom door. Out of his room, he stares down hallway he, doesn't look back door into the hallway. ファック is man, so he does not lock the door behind him, he got angry and thought.

Angry Allen Walker is walking the streets of his neighborhood, he still did not like were walking in the middle of the street. Because he was angry he had and he would stay in his master dronk didn't care. I looked up at the Allen Walker bright yellow sun. It wsa beginnh and he is hoping he has at this point, you can get a bus. He didn't have money, maybe reach train instead he is. He went to train constantly, he not bathroom ticket who is on his never hidden.

"I hate everyone" and continues the story Allen Walker thought even crappier than. He was being AutoCorrect how to stop and Word capitalization noticed how not being not were'nt awey Strait.

Spoking storyes and bad grammar.

Inadequate planning solution nonexistant plot came. It's Segwey on the merits contempt was glaring at him

"Oh no it's your Kanda! ' Walker, says Allen.

Kanda you moan of pain and crushing his lungs tire moaning he ran to the Segway and Allen Walker Allen Walker. Yu Kanda he meant to buy milk on the way were expensive didn't food grocery store feel. At $ 6 for 1 gallon! outrageus! Kanda since he was angruy very Yu, he Church-working since his salary-angry made none and was two ways for someone more expensive milk price

It wsant just allend Walker and angry person wsa vines a Kanda. Their eye cats to their skin wash gray ugly looked so Earl and stray dogs in Rhode Island was angry. They were all the rage. Earl "the following 3! "He frowned thus lose cause residential akumas panic many poor homeowners.

Cross Marian he woke from sleep dronk! He was out of the House.

"Allen Walker to save! ' Where Allen Walker saves him and he cried the determinededly was over ran.

Cross Marian is Earl and demon-in control hearts used his magical mind control of Mary's grave. Wsant and are happy that he is Devil mind control 3 way combo for the was forced to stop. Earl sadly went away because he couldn't control the devil anymore let me sign up.

She why didn't stray akumas Earl commands and Rhode Island is asked. Yet Earl mindcontrolled left all his words was the final count and rhose Gee stray dogs they were leaving and left Allen Walker Kanda Yu and alone she and cross Marian

"You can" go dronk cross not suddenyl said okay Allen House

But Ravi cops came from home stopped.

"Sir dronking been" he who "asked cross Marian alcohol taste, now take the shoulder shrug. We can't drivving whilt dronk Sir. "

"youre not a policeman. "Stubbornly claimed the cross.

"For plot purposes but since Ravi who nervous this bastard could not believe Sir sobriety test taking oberwise also brings you now fully sassed cross Marian I"

"Me you aint got shit BRO," Marian grabbed a cross said, Allen and ollied intercourse an outie.

And is staring at the Kanda Yuu after numbers with Rabbi disappeared into the sunset in their overly cliché mannert.

Is the last

-END-

Just... please, please do not use the translation.


	76. Chapter 76

101 Attempts- Gambling

Title: You Have No Chance

A/N: Changing things up a bit.

._.

Lady Luck seriously hated him or something.

"Allen… I'm sorry. But that was just freaking hilarious."

The hand patting the shoulder of the white-haired and sulking teenager was swatted away. Silver eyes narrowed and glared at his friend, then looked away to scowl at the smug man sitting across from him at their table.

"Better luck next time, brat."

Allen stood up and stormed out of the room, his friend following close behind. His friend, Lavi, was still laughing at Allen for having lost a game of cards against his master. The terms were that if Allen won, Cross would leave the Order (Cross had no complaints) but if Cross won, he was officially Allen's pimp. Unfortunately, Allen, even after all of his cheating, had lost because the one who taught him how to cheat had been none other than his master.

Within thirty minutes he had lost the game. This led them here, where Allen was mulling over his loss as he went down the long hallways of the Black Order.

_I hate my life. I hate my life._

He repeated this mantra in his head until he finally came to terms with the fact he had indeed lost.

He was so angry that he didn't even bother thinking over the game or the conversations that followed. He wasn't going to give the readers anything to go over, because he was just that upset. Link, however, had recorded the entire match and was at the moment typing up his report for everyone to read on his blog. And Lavi, being a bookman, would remember this event for everyone else even if Allen tried to delete Link's soon-to-be-report.

The entire world would soon know about his latest blunder. All Allen could do was try and brace for the inevitable humiliation that would come.

._.

Incase You Missed It

Attempt: Gambling his freedom with Cross

Foiled by: Allen's terrible luck


	77. Chapter 77

101 Attempts: Show's Closed

A/N: So it finally happened. D Gray Man has been cancelled (or, put on extreme hiatus) due to Hoshino's progressing illness. I knew this would happen, and I'm sad that it did, but we should all continue to support the series and Hoshino herself. Me, I'm going to do something a little special for her while we wait.

To Hoshino :)

But seriously, don't you guys hate me yet?

._.

"Please Mrs. Hoshino- Miss? Are you married? Are you even a girl?- , please recover soon," begged Allen Walker out of complete desperation. "Please? Do you want some homemade soup? Medicine? Anything I can get you?"

Katsura Hoshino coughed and shrugged, sinking further under the covers for warmth. Allen Walker, the main character of her manga, stood helplessly by the bedside with a tray of food and several magazines. He winced when his creator let out a hacking cough, reminding him of how bad things were without her.

Ever since Katsura Hoshino had fallen ill, Allen had been subjected to the cruel works of one of her fans. It was just another way for the sick author to make money; allowing fans to borrow her characters earned her some income. It wasn't like she really needed this support, but it gave her characters something to do so that they weren't constantly hanging around her house as Allen was.

Honestly, Katsura was flattered by the attention and care that Allen was giving her. Though she did feel guilty that Allen was lingering here so he wouldn't have to go to one story in particular.

"It's okay, Allen-kun. You have to pay off your master's debts, don't you?" she reached up with her hand and patted the white-haired boy on the head, smiling to try and lift Allen's spirits. It didn't work.

Talking about debts seemed to make Allen feel even worse. Katsura didn't regret creating Cross Marian in that he blew off lots of money and became a total alcoholic, whore-mongering, chain-smoking gambler. Though that didn't mean that she was sadistic or didn't pity Allen.

Before Allen could respond, the door to her room opened and in came more of the cast. Lenalee for one showed up, holding in her arms a script that she had created. Behind her trailed in Kanda Yuu with his Segway, and then both Lavi and the source of most of Allen's troubles.

And of course, they were all overwhelmingly beautiful. Katsura Hoshino fondly regarded each and every one of them, never once worrying about how Kanda's Segway was leaving tracks on the flooring. Allen, being the ever faithful creation that he was, worked on removing the tracks straight away and telling Kanda to keep the Segway off the ground. Kanda begrudgingly did so, and Allen then took him off to the side to clean the source of the mess.

Katsura Hoshino could hear Allen telling Kanda how to properly clean up the Segway in the background. While those two were gone, Lenalee showed her what she had been up to in her absence. Katsura nodded approvingly at Lenalee's work, proud of the young woman for her accomplishments.

As she went over Lenalee's works, Lavi began to talk about a writer by the name of _GiveMeYourSoulMilEarl, _who was, actually, the Millennium Earl. Hoshino didn't break the news to him since she was sure that might just break his heart. Besides, she liked to give other authors than herself a chance to succeed. Even if they should be psychopathic murderers that take advantage of others and act completely batshit insane just like the rest of his cult-like followers, but whatever.

Lenalee left shortly after this to go off and write some more. Katsura called after her and told her "good luck" before she shut the door behind her to return to the Order, or wherever it was that she lived.

"So Marian, how are things going for you? Have you been featured in any interesting stories lately?" Katsura attempted to start up conversation with the man who was being mostly silent.

More silence.

"… Boy, your hair sure does look great today!" the mangaka's face twitched and she began to sweat nervously. Gosh, this man was intimidating. "What do you use?"

"…"

"Okay, just put your Segway over there-"

"Hn."

"Yes you can, Kanda. You can leave your Segway alone for a few minutes, can't you?"

Katsura was saved from the awkward silence by Allen re-entering the room. But unfortunately, the white-haired exorcist went straight to cleaning the floor that Kanda's Segway had ruined, and that left the mangaka with only Lavi to talk to since Kanda and Cross were giving her a dead silence.

But even then, she didn't know what to say to her other characters. She had never anticipated that they would come to life, and never once imagined that they would visit her like this and that she would have to speak to them. It was only in the past year that this had happened, and the only ones to show up were Allen and sometimes Lenalee.

Maybe she had taken Allen's presence for granted. It was so much easier having him around taking care of her and her living space, and now it was awkward with the others here.

"So, uh, Lavi- how do you like being a Bookman?" she turned the conversation towards the only one other than Allen who really talked.

That was about the worst question she could have possibly asked. Lavi proceeded to go on about his job and how much he liked it, never once pausing for her to speak back. She again glanced to the side where Kanda and Cross were. Kanda wasn't looking at any of them; he seemed to be glaring holes into the wall instead. Cross, meanwhile, had sat down and was simply ignoring her.

Then there was Allen, only cleaning and looking annoyed with Lavi's behavior.

The mangaka just wasn't sure what to do.

It didn't help that these four were extremely gorgeous. All of this was making her so nervous, that she fainted in spot.

"Hoshino-san?" Allen called out when he noticed the fainted mangaka. "Is everything alright?"

Hoshino had fainted and would remain fainted until a few months or so had passed.

"Oh god not again," Allen moaned.

Cross finally broke his silence with a snicker. "Good luck trying to get away from us now. You know, you still have those debts to pay off…"

"Don't remind me," Allen snapped and quickly finished his cleaning. He went to attend to Hoshino, checking her temperature and so on. "I know this brings in money and all, but it doesn't help that you keep bringing me more and more debts to pay off."

Cross gave Allen the middle finger.

"Come on, she'll be fine," Cross insisted as he stood from the bedside chair. "You have to go to that bar and deliver that payment, kid. I don't want those loan sharks going after me again."

"Then don't rack up debt!"

"Then make more money so it doesn't build up!"

"I hate you!"

"Fuck you!"

"I'm leaving," Allen ended this argument before it could get out of control. "Bye."

Cross followed after. "I'm going to stop by the bar and pick up the ladies."

Allen paused in the doorway. "Sure you are," he rolled his eyes, "you're just trying to make sure I don't run away and leave you alone with your debts."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say brat…"

._.

_Katsura Hoshino would wake up months later to find that Cross's debt had multiplied by the thousands._

Attempt: Nursing the writer back to health so he won't have to star in this series

Foiled by: Katsura is overwhelmed by how beautiful her creations have turned out and faints

I'm wasting so much space on this site. Why haven't I been banned yet? Why doesn't everyone hate me for flooding their inboxes? Have I been marked as spam yet? I bet no one's even bothering to read this anymore because it's so boring -.- I wonder how many people I've pissed off just by posting so many stupid chapters x(


	78. Chapter 78

101 Attempts: Misunderstandings and Minor Characters

I don't think we have enough Komui in here. The last time he showed up was in that second battle royale, when he turned his paperwork into paper ninja stars to throw at Reever for giving him so much work. I'm not sure if he's turned up since...

A/N: Have you ever had a conversation where you thought someone was talking about something, but it turned out they were really talking about something entirely **different?** And then you got really embarrassed because they found you out? Because... Yeah... It makes things really awkward between friends ;_;

Anyways, sorry for not posting! I forgot to tell you guys that I was going to finish writing all of the chapters before I resumed adding chapters :( I was planning on posting the way I did last summer- as in, one chapter a day- because I kind of want to finish this and start the other two series I started, and then some.

._.

"Allen! Debts!"

"Oi, Allen, where are you! I'm bored!"

"Hn."

"Allen-kun!"

"DEBTS!"

"Bored!"

"Kill."

"Allen-kun!"

"Debts!" - "I'm bored!" - "Hn." "Allen-kun!" "Debts, kid!" - "Moyashi-chan!" - "Moyashi." - "Allen-kun!"

The boy winced at the sound of his name being called repeatedly and slunk into a nearby dark hallway to hide from the ones searching for him. With a deep sigh, he leaned against the wall to wait for the voices to grow quieter as they moved away. When they finally did, he found himself able to relax at last.

For the past something hours, people had been coming to him asking for help. Allen tried to avoid everyone by not doing anything to catch attention. The only reason he was being pursued was because he was a main character, meaning he could _somehow magically solve everyone's problems because hey, that's what main characters do_. Allen had no desire to do those things though. For one day he wanted to be left to his own devices and slack off for once. Being a main character was tough! Especially in this kind of story. So he kept his hood up, ate normally, and tried to do minor-character things like being unimportant throughout his day so that he would go by unnoticed.

Unnoticed, except to one person.

"Allen-kun, please help me!" cried (pathetically) the voice of Komui Lee, sobbing (pathetically) and latching onto his leg (pathetically) as he threw himself at Allen's feet. Allen grimaced the incredibly silly man's sobbing caused a wet spot on his recently-cleaned uniform. "I don't want to go to work today!"

"... Do you want me to do your work for you?" Allen raised an eyebrow as the idiot's crying grew louder.

Komui's crying instantly ceased and the man stood. A stack of papers was shoved into Allen's arms and the exorcist struggled to keep them from falling. When he looked up, Komui was already running away in an extremely goofy manner.

"Thank you Allen-kun, you're so kind!" he shouted over his shoulder as he skipped off. And, predictably, "Lenaleeeeee! Your big brother is coming to find you!"

Allen sighed, adjusting the papers in his arms. He shouldn't have opened his mouth, but doing paperwork was better than doing anything important. Doing important things meant being an important or essential player to a plot. There were no complaints on his part as he changed his original course of direction and made his way towards the office he knew would be cluttered.

...

It didn't take an insightful mind to deduce that the state of Komui's office would reflect his own troublesome and disorganized self. Paperwork and coffee mugs were piled up on the desk in the center of the room, and books for reference behind the work station stuck out as if Komui hadn't bothered to shelve them back where they belonged. The couch before the desk wasn't a place for exorcists to sit as they were assigned missions, rather, it now a place to prop up a large fan to counteract the uncomfortably hot weather. There was little space for anyone to sit save for Komui's own chair, the only spot in the room that wasn't crowded by useless clutter.

Allen set down the papers he had been given carefully and began to sort what he could. Since he knew how to shelve books, he started with that. Most of them didn't seem to be work-related anyways, so there was no reason to have them strewn across the floor which hadn't been seen since the current director replaced the old.

The room looked significantly less chaotic after they were returned to their rightful places. Yet, the papers covered nearly every inch of the tiled floor. Allen wasn't quite sure how to sort these; how would he know which ones were relevant to the others, or if they were completely unrelated? Furthermore, he wasn't certain if he should even be handling some of these documents. Though he supposed if Komui was willing to let any bystander take over for the day, surely nothing here could get him in trouble.

With that in mind, Allen continued on picking up and sorting the papers. He was probably doing Komui -and the rest of the Order- a huge favor by making things nice and tidy in the most important place in the building. Hopefully the director would be able to find his papers when he needed them. It shouldn't be hard if he set up a proper filing system and labeled the folders.

A knock on the door stole his attention from his sorting after he had gone halfway through the mess. He didn't know if he should remain silent and possibly be dragged into something he didn't want, or if he should answer the door and explain that he wasn't the director. He quickly weighed his options, and the latter had the better outcome.

"Hello?" Allen called out. He paused in his cleaning, and when there was no answer he tried again. "You can come in!"

The door opened slowly with a creak and a small figure peaked inside. Timothy Hearst stuck his head through the space between the door and the wall, searching the room until his eyes settled on Allen. Surprised by the exorcist's presence and lack of the other man's, he blinked and entered the room entirely. "Where's the director?" he asked.

Allen would have offered a seat, but Komui's fan was too heavy for him to try lifting on his own. "Sorry, but he's ditching work today. Do you want me to leave him a notice?"

"... Uh..." Timothy scratched at his head and shrugged. "Well, I was going to ask if I could have a larger role in the series."

"Which one?" Allen automatically questioned. "I don't think you'd want to get involved with fighting, so I'm going to assume you want to cameo in the one hundred attempt series."

Timothy nodded. "Yeah, I mean, I've only shown up once!" He huffed and petulantly crossed his arms. "And even then, you guys got my name wrong."

Ignoring the fact he was the one to get poor "Timoppy Hurts's" name wrong, Allen stopped himself from saying anything on the matter and smiled. "Don't worry, we can figure something out."

Despite there being a large and expensive fan on the couch, Timothy knocked it over and took a seat. Allen nervously watched the fan fall over and the young boy prop his feet up on the air conditioner. He'd forgotten that the boy didn't give a crap about money, remembering the entire Phantom Thief G fiasco.

"So what are you doing here?" Timothy questioned, glancing around the room before his eyes lingered on the now-visible floor. "Usually it's the girl with the really short skirt in here."

_That must be Lenalee, _Allen thought. It was true that the Chinese woman's skirt continued to get short and shorter by the day, but no one really cared because one, it was a building filled with mostly men, and two, she wore shorts underneath so there was no indecent exposure.

Allen crouched down to gather a few more papers, seeing no reason why he should stop what he had been doing before. "I offered to take over for him and then he went off screaming after his sister," he told the young boy, who pulled a face as he imagined the director acting in his goofy way. "I was trying to hide anyways."

"Oh, from that Cross guy?" Timothy hadn't been introduced to many of the other exorcists save for Klaud, Kanda, and maybe Marie and Lavi. "Isn't he your pimp or something?"

He forced himself not to snap when he heard that.

"No, he's my teacher," Allen corrected what he hoped was a mistake. "He has some bad habits, like creating debts. I'm always the one to pay them, so you can imagine why I'd like to stay away from him."

Timothy snorted. "I bet I've stolen more money than he's gone into debt."

Allen recited the total debt that Cross had created and Timothy's face immediately went stark white.

"... I see," he muttered.

Allen was saved from delving further into the subject when there was a loud knock on the door. "Come in!"

This time the door flung open (and remained open) and Allen flinched at the sudden action. This time it was General Socalo, another minor character in the series. The general looked at Timothy who was still shocked into silence, and then to Allen, to the cleaned room, and back to the white-haired exorcist once again. He didn't ask where Komui was, assuming that the director had gone off to ditch for the day, leaving Allen- who was still cleaning- to take over.

Socalo took a seat on the couch beside Timothy. He folded his arms across his chest and locked eyes with Allen. "I wasn't sure I was in the right place without all of those papers lying around," he started. Then he shrugged. "The place looks so different without the mess, but it looks better this way. Did you do this alone?"

"Yeah," Allen answered, relieved that the general wasn't going to interrogate him on Komui's whereabouts. "So why are you here? I haven't seen you in a while."

As in, over ten or something chapters ago, but same went for Timothy.

"I was supposed to be assigned a mission today," he emphasized the word, and a muscle in his face visibly twitched in irritation. "Doesn't matter now, since the director ditched his work."

The general's face twitched again and Allen could only imagine how angry he could get after a while. He decided to change the subject. "Well, you can hang out here for a while if you want. Are you free?"

The general wasn't used to being asked to "hang out." He was silent for a good five minutes while Allen cleaned.

"Hang out," he repeated uncertainly. "As in... hang from something outside?"

"No, no!" Allen shook his head, knowing exactly what the general was thinking he was trying to say. "No, when someone asks if they want to hang out, they don't mean anything like that!"

"Well then what the hell does that mean?" Socalo shouted, startling poor Timoppy Hurts.

"I-" Allen frowned, trying to think of an appropriate explanation for the phrase. "It's what you ask someone when you went to... become close to that person."

Again, the general's face was blank for the longest time. It was obvious to anyone but Allen that he had taken the phrase the wrong way once again, but Allen, being Allen, didn't understand the hesitation to respond to his offer.

On the side, Timothy snickered at Socalo's stupidity and Allen's ignorance.

"Uhh... well, I... "

"Oh my fucking God, you guys are stupid," Timothy guffawed.

"We don't have to leave the Order if you don't want to," Allen told the general. "We could even stay right here in this room if that's your thing."

"Dude, he's probably thinking you were offering to go live a life of sin," Timothy continued, "Where the hell is Lavi? He would have a _field day_ with this bullshit."

Ignoring Timothy, Allen went on. "It might get too hot though. They haven't exactly fixed the AC."

"Lavi!" Timothy called out, "Dude, you're missing out!"

"Well, I think that... uhhh..." General Socalo coughed awkwardly into his shoulder and found interest in the floor. "I think that... is a... good thing? I don't swing that way though. At least- Katsura Hoshino never stated any of our preferences at least, so I can't act according to cannon. So maybe I could be? Do manga authors do that?"

Allen didn't understand Socalo's sudden inability to communicate properly, so he waited patiently for a (somewhat) composed answer.

"So... yeah," Socalo cleared his throat. "Uh, sure, I mean. I- Is this a... is this like a friend thing? Do you bring friends or something, or is it just two people?"

"Oh, great idea," Timothy interjected, "get a third wheel."

"We can bring friends," Allen smiled encouragingly. "So what would you want to do? I heard there was this movie that just came out- we could see that if you want."

"Ooooooh," Timothy's eyebrows proceeded to go out wildly of control.

"A movie? It isn't a romantic kind, is it?" Socalo wasn't into the whole romance genre. He wasn't even sure about the idea of "hanging out" but he was fairly open minded and you know what they say about not knocking it until you try it and he was pretty sure this was totally legal- the exorcist was most likely fifteen plus thirty-five years old give or take some, whatever, he didn't know what was up with the mystery around Allen because _Katsura Hoshino never got around to telling them_- and oh god, who are we kidding he's totally freaking out about this. Totally, completely freaking out. He wasn't really interested in this kind of stuff. He just wanted to fight- not do things that sissies did. But as he had a reputation to uphold and a viewing audience, he tried to keep his thoughts to himself and his uncertainty away.

Allen tried to remember what the movie had been about. He saw part of the trailer in a Youtube commercial before he skipped the add and went straight to the video he wanted to watch. "No, I think it's a comedy."

"Alright then," Socalo nodded slowly. "So... dinner afterwards? Is that what happens?"

Allen clapped his hands together in excitement. "Oh, yes! I like eating!"

"I wouldn't be surprised if I saw some oysters and red wine on that table..."

"And after dinner... is that it? Uhh... I've never 'hung out' before."

Timothy began to laugh through tears.

There was also another voice laughing, which caught Allen's attention to the open door, where every other main character other than himself was standing.

"Oh great, it's these assholes," Allen scowled at Lavi, who was cracking up so bad that Lenalee was trying to get him to breathe. After about a minute, she began basic CPR despite her brother's protesting. When that didn't work, she called for an ambulance. The paramedics were unable to revive Lavi, who died as the first person to literally pass away from laughing too much.

Beside the deceased and not really mourning, Cross was smoking in the background and complaining to Komui about how they needed to "_keep things professional in the work place, especially around minors by the name of Allen Walker_." Miranda was talking with Marie and Krory about maybe going with Allen and Socalo on that alleged "date" as third wheel.

And suddenly Allen understood why no one took him seriously.

"No, no, no!" Allen shouted in frustration as he began to throw a hissy fit. "No! That's not what 'hanging out' means, you _weirdos!_ What I meant is that _friends_ get together and they do things that _friends_ do!"

Everyone laughed at Allen (_including the recently deceased_).

"No! Stop that!" he pleaded.

Cross rolled his eyes at his apprentice and entered the room to grab the idiot. "God, you're so embarrassing, Allen. I can't believe you're a main character."

"It's not me, it's _you guys!_" Allen screamed as he was taken away.

Cross pushed Allen in front of him and sent Socalo the middle finger as he exited. Because screw minor characters and screw their filler plots that made no sense and held no relevance to the story line.

._.

incase you missed it

attempt: become a minor character and have Cross and everyone else lose interest in him

foiled by: get extremely side-tracked by minor characters and their filler plot

Okay, so I probably won't post again until all of the chapters are done. I might throw in a chapter here and there, but I'm not sure. Right now I only have five or so completed, but those are under revision.

On another note, I hope everyone has a safe and happy summer vacation! ^_^


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